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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 9/24/2008 4:40:25 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Tuesday went SO much better than Monday, and I am very grateful to God. Monday night, I wrote to the leader of the weight loss group and she told me "cheating is not an option" because it robs God of His glory. It lets Satan have the power in my life that belongs to God. I knew it wasn't a good decision to give into temptation and when I first read her email that said "cheating isn't an option" I was angry. I said to the email (like it could hear me!) "Oh it isn't? What am I... a prisoner? I am a human who is weak and I gave in. I may do it again, in the future because I am human. I can't guarantee that I'll never succumb to my weakness again so I can't guarantee that it isn't an option." I almost wrote to her and told her that I quit but I thought about it and I calmed down. I know she has my best interests at heart and so I wrote back and told her about some of my struggle. I explained some of the things I am going through. None of it is an excuse to rob God of His glory, but she was better able to understand why I am having so much trouble. Her prayers for me helped me to try again and re-commit my food plan to the Lord.
Yesterday I got a call from the boss at my new job, and she asked if I could come today for my orientation instead of waiting until next week. So, I did. It was more interactive than most orientation, but most of the stuff was pretty routine. I’ll go back tomorrow for my physical, and I’ll start working Monday evening.
I am hoping that having free time during the day (when Ed’s not usually up) and being away in the evening (the most common time for us to have disagreements about TV) may help. Of course, it means we’ll have little time to talk at all, and I’m not crazy about not being with Kyi during the evenings. But when I think of what a great summer we’ll have together, when I am able to be home with him every day, I tell myself it will work out.
I am still doing well on the food plan today (thank God) although I’ll admit it was hard. I was told that lunch was going to be provided, but I didn’t know what it was going to be so I carried my lunch. Although they had a delicious salad, my lunch came in handy because they didn’t have the right kind of dressing – and dessert was a chocolate éclair! Definitely not on the diet, so my grapes were my dessert.
This evening, the family is meeting at Olive Garden (MORE temptations!) for two of the birthdays. I’ve already been to the website and have some ideas about what I can eat.
That’s all for now. I will go to my weight loss group again tomorrow evening (I’m looking forward to it now, because I can definitely give God some glory for turning my head around!) and I’ll have to find a way to continue the program even though I can’t attend the meetings anymore due to my schedule.
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 9/26/2008 8:31:47 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Today and yesterday went well, including the dinner at Olive Garden. The service was terribly slow but I made good choices and God is helping me through each day.
The meeting was wonderful! I am so sorry that it will be the last time I could go to the meeting. We skipped the usual instructional video and just shared. I was so encouraged to find out that I'm not the only one struggling with the food program.
I've been scared of starting the new job on Monday. I chose it because it's closer to the house and because I won't have any on-call time, but between needing to switch to the evening shift and being worried whether I'll have enough hands-on work to do (the job description they gave me makes it sound like I'll be monitoring everyone else instead of doing any tasks of my own). That may sound like a dumb problem, but the worst thing to me would be if I were bored on the job.
I am such a worrywart! I know I have to "cast all my cares upon Him" and that He will take care of everything. I do want to do that.
I had a lovely two-mile walk today and continued doing well with the food plan, with God's help. Tomorrow I want to clean Kyi's room; that should be enough exercise for the day.
That's all for now
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 9/29/2008 10:24:42 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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The weekend was a bad one for me, and I am not sure why.
Nothing terrible happened. On Saturday I kept meaning to get up and clean Kyi's room, but I didn't. I did nothing. Sat on the couch and felt sad. Kept hoping for a miracle that would have Ed coming out of the bedroom and saying he'd changed his mind about letting us attend that other church. I was sad because Kyi was away; yet, I was grateful for the peace and quiet.
I felt lonely and kept wishing I had someone to talk to, yet, when Ed finally woke up after dinner I felt immediately angry with him. All day long I felt as though I missed him but as soon as he got up it was like "so why are you here, ruining my night?" It made no sense. And it also led to me going crazy with food, too.
Yesterday my food was no better. I did go to his church (and resented being there even more because he wasn't well enough to attend. Now, I am not mean enough to suggest that he go to church even though he is sick, but how fair IS it for him to insist I go to that church and when he isn't there?). I was too upset to even stay for Sunday school, so I came home and finally cleaned Kyi's room. I spent 3 hours loading garbage into bags and probably could have spent more time but I got disgusted and then it came time to pick him up.
Last evening Christina came over with a male friend from England. It amused me to hear him talk. I enjoyed meeting him. He seems nice, but I hope she isn't thinking romantically about someone so far away.
Today is the first day of the new job. My food isn't terrible today, but it's not on plan, either. I told my food plan leader, and I am afraid she may tell me she can't work with me anymore. Can't blame her for that.
I am just so confused about what I want and what I might find at the new job. I keep telling myself to give it to God... I know, I am a broken record.
Anyway, I am going to pray for a better attitude.
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 10/1/2008 7:17:53 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Yesterday was intense, but I felt physically better.
We had a very busy evening and sent two people to the hospital. So, I got a chance to do the paperwork twice and feel like I have a handle on that process. And, I definitely bonded with the team throughout the happenings that resulted in the hospitalizations.
I tried to rally the troops last night and I think they responded. I told them "people might say we are the problem shift, but if we work together we can make it so people begin to say we are the shift to copy. We are going to be the shift everyone talks about as the example for others."
I think they liked that. Basically, they do a good job but they aren't getting along with each other. So, I want to build their teamwork skills.
On another subject, Christina has been visiting with a friend from England. She met the guy during last summer's mission trip and he came to USA for a vacation and it turns out he'd like to be "more than friends". Christina isn't sure how she feels and they are going slowly with it for now. I am glad for her that she might have found a nice Christian guy, but concerned that she might be in a VERY long-distance relationship.
That's all for now
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 10/3/2008 6:43:42 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I am liking this job more and more. It's such a relief to be doing a job I like, again. The work is familiar, and although the paperwork seems a bit over the top, I can live with that.
The only real drawback so far is that I miss being home in the evenings, and seeing Kyi.
Tomorrow Kyi's Scout troop is doing a Civil War re-enactment over at the place where I recently worked. He will be playing his fife and dressed in Civil War duds. I am looking forward to watching him, and to resting for the rest of the day. He's a bit behind in his homework and he and I have been working together to catch up.
Nothing else much new, although I have pretty much given up on trying to stay on my food plan.
Sigh.
I do know I need to lose weight, and that God wants me to be as healthy as I can be. There's just too much stress in my life right now, and I need to adjust to all the changes in my life.
That's all for now
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 10/4/2008 9:10:45 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Oh, boy. Christina called me today and told me she is now feeling like she and her English friend are headed for romance. I do like him, and he is a strong Christian, so I am happy for her. It's just that I know from personal experience how hard that is. And it will be even harder for her because her guy is across the ocean!
There was a used book and video sale at the library. I got a whole bag of books and three family videos for $3! Woohoo!
Today I watched Kyi's Fife and Drum group play and it was very nice. He came home exhausted and although I was hoping for time to help him catch up with homework (and maybe share one of the movies I bought) but he conked out early, so I hope we can do it tomorrow.
As for me, I enjoyed my day off. I've survived my first week at the job and am now wondering why I worried so much. I do like it, for the most part, and the boss is pleased enough that she told me I will only need to have another nurse working with me for the first (busier) half of each shift, next week.
Tomorrow is church and I am going to keep my eyes on Jesus and pray that I'll get what God wants me to hear and do what God wants me to do.
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 10/6/2008 6:35:20 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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Church was OK yesterday, but I skipped Sunday school again in favor of getting the laundry done. I wanted to be able to get Kyi straight from Sunday school and do as much homework as possible.
He knows the material, but can't focus without constant cuing. It's no wonder he is falling behind in class; if he takes an hour to do one paper with me cuing him, he can't possibly finish his work during class time. Math seems to really be a problem, and that's weird cuz it was his best subject last year.
When he next goes to the doctor I will ask if it's time to up the dose of his ADHD meds. He needs to be able to tap the information in his brain and keep it in the forefront so he can get it on paper.
If Kyi catches up with his homework this week, he'll be going to a workshop for fife players this weekend with the Boy Scouts. This is a very important workshop and I want him to go, but he has to catch up his homework in order to go. Let's hope he does.
I don't understand why I dislike this church. There is nothing wrong with what the preacher says and the people are very nice. I just keep feeling like I don't belong there and want to go home. Let's face it: I just want to go home.
I think that sums up my discontent with most of the things in my life. It may not be fair, and it isn't mature. It definitely isn't godly. I want to be able to have a loving attitude toward my husband and certainly an expectant attitude and a spirit of worship in church, but I am aware of a discontent with both of them. I need to continue to pray about these things.
Back to work this evening, and I'll only have a guide for the first half of each shift. That's OK because the person who trained me for most of last week drives me nuts. She is a negative person and doesn't know the shift routine very well. I have some ideas I want to try and I am praying the week goes well.
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 10/10/2008 11:11:01 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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The week has gone well. I've been on my own, pretty much and I am still liking it. We've had a couple of busy days but I've been able to see what I'm getting myself in for. I am so glad to be there, though I'll admit I wish I were on day shift. Yes, I like my mornings alone, but I miss Kyi in the evenings.
Today his Boy Scout fife and drum corps is going to a workshop in Virginia for the weekend. I'll miss him even more, but I am glad he has this opportunity.
Christina came over for lunch on Wednesday. She was full of starry-eyed news about her new English boyfriend. He's planning on coming back to English for "Crimbo" (Christmas) and then she is planning on a trip overseas to England in the spring. He wants to take her to Paris. Lucky her!
I keep having fleeting thoughts of guilt about not doing enough to stay on my diet, and even more guilt about my lukewarm feelings for Ed. But, actions speak louder than words and I hope my actions are as wifelike as they can be.
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 10/12/2008 11:27:50 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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I had a very relaxing weekend but it went so quickly! Saturday morning, Christina called up and wanted to hang out with me. We both had to do our laundry so I met her at a laundromat and we had a good time while we did our laundry. She is totally gaga over this English guy. He wrote me a sweet email thanking me for inviting him to our Christmas gathering. I am glad for Christina, but of course, time will tell.
Tomorrow she is starting class to become a nursing assistant. I know she will be able to learn the academic part and she is good with people, but she gets easily impatient with her jobs and already has a really spotty employment record for such a young gal. I hope this works out well for her.
Kyi came back from the fife trip very excited about all the new songs he learned. We spent a bit of time together and then he went to bed.
Tomorrow I want to take a long walk with him and his friend next door. There is a place he likes to go to eat donuts and although I am trying again to eat healthier, I can get something healthy for myself up the street at Subway.
Tomorrow evening, it's back to work. Now that this is my third week, I am hoping the trainer that drives me nuts won't be hovering over me anymore. I have been doing fine without her and everyone seems to like me as much as I like them.
Ed was in bed most of the weekend. He is not feeling well, again. I need to pray for him more often. It's Sundays like this that I most resent his decision that we should attend his church. How fair is it; to insist we attend that church when he doesn't even attend? I know my attitude is wrong and I am praying about it, but this doesn't help my attitude toward him (which also needs prayer)
I love my husband and I am not even THINKING of divorce. He is a good, Godly man and none of the things that he lacks are his fault. He is not abusive or mean. He is a wonderful stepdad to Kyi and I am so grateful for all of the ways he helps me with him. But I can't help but wish I had more of a partner; I can't honestly say my feelings for him are as romantic as they were when we married. I close off the physical part of my feelings for him because they have no purpose. I can't act on them, so I close them off. When Ed wants to kiss me, I often find myself startled because I try not to think of him that way anymore. It's not because I don't want him that way; it's just because our actions can't go further than kissing, so, for me, kissing is futile. But it's nice when he does it.
I feel so horrible when I admit my feelings, but I know that being honest with myself is important. I pray God will help me be the most loving wife I can be, under these circumstances, and that He will continue to help me make my feelings more wifely.
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 10/19/2008 10:02:34 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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I had a good week, and a restful weekend. Nothing much new, but I wanted to check in.
I'm very frustrated by my inability to stay on my food plan. I found a much more liberal one and thought I could definitely stay on that, but I can't even make it through one day. I wake up with such great intentions, and ask God for help. And then I get tempted. Sometimes I can say no; most times I fail and then end up being so upset with myself.
Sigh.
Kyi and Ed had a great weekend with the Boy Scouts. They went on a discovery trip to Gettysburg and learned a lot about the history of that place. They love that kind of stuff; it's boring to me.
Christina called yesterday. She's survived a week of training to become a nursing assistant and now she thinks she may want to be a nurse. That gives me a laugh, since she's always said she'd never be a nurse.
If you are reading this, please say a prayer that I will be able to surrender my food addiction, one day at a time and live in a way that glorifies God
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 10/26/2008 7:53:25 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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Seems like I post on Sunday evenings. I had a good week at work. I was asked to train a new nurse at work (already!) and that went well. On Friday, I talked to my boss. I told her that although I love my job, I am upset because Kyi can't seem to get himself organized at home in the evenings without me there. Although Ed is home, he's not always alert and/or able to help with Kyi's homework.
I asked my boss if, once in a while if one of the day nurses call in sick or need a day off, I could work days instead of evenings. We'll see.
Kyi went to visit his grandpas this weekend. Tomorrow starts another week; Halloween is Friday. It's dress-down day at work that day, and we are having a party (I'm bringing a salad) and we can wear costumes. I bought a long purple wig and will wear an all-purple uniform. It will be like "Barney - the nurse!"
Tomorrow starts a new cycle in my food plan and I am praying I get up in the morning and turn it over to the Lord. I had two good days last week, so that's a good thing
God bless you
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 11/2/2008 9:32:24 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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I had a wonderful week. And, praise God! I stayed on my food plan.
I rejoined an online diet site that I had been part of before. I remembered I enjoyed participating in one of the community threads and thought it might help inspire me to stay on. That, and God's help kept me on the plan. I am feeling better already and I even joined a gym near my home.
One day at a time, with God's help.
The week at work went well also. We had two REALLY tough nights but most of the week was good. I wore a purple uniform to work on Halloween and wore a neon purple wig with it. Everyone got a kick out of that.
Kyi had a pretty good week. I am still worried about his ability to adjust to middle school. I think when I see his report card, I'll know better how much it's really effected him.
Christina got through her nursing assistant training and she'll start work on Tuesday night. She's going to work 11-7 and I know she'll be good at it. She's coming over on Tuesday and we'll have lunch together. Kyi is off school and so he can have lunch with us.
Ed had a tough week. I think he may have the flu, and has spent more time in bed than usual.
Kyi has been talking to me about missing our home in NJ, so we are planning a weekend trip there, and hope to attend our old church. I am looking forward to that.
Blessings to all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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