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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 9/5/2005 8:38:20 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
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I haven't written in a week, and it has been a busy one. I am still being challenged by adjusting to night shift, but a week has gone by, and I have seen what the job will be like, and I am glad to say that it looks like I will be able to handle it.
I am still learning, and the first night that I was in charge, there was a patient who became critically ill. It happened in the middle of the night. Now, being a nurse for 20 years, I knew WHAT to do for him. I just didn't know HOW those things got done; in my new hospital (they hadn't really come up in orientation; although they mentioned the subjects, I really hadn't had to do the procedures). And the only other nurse working with me that night was someone who was not only new to the hospital, but a brand new nurse as well. So I immediately called the supervisor. Within minutes, our procedures were being done; the man got the help he needed ( a transfer to the ICU) and all was well. I was glad to see that my lack of knowledge (understandable, under the circumstances) didn't pose a problem for the man.
Most nights, now, I am busy and not sleepy anymore while on duty. I am helped, in this, by being given a special project to do, with the poster I am designing. I am really enjoying this creative outlet. I am able to spend an hour or two, each night, designing it... and it really looks good! I expect to finish it by the end of this week, and then I will begin redesigning the bullletin boards on our unit. This is gonna be great!!!
Both Christina and Kyi seem to like their classes. Christina and I had a big argument over money this week. She came home and told me cheerfully about all the money she charged to our card, at the bookstore. Now, I know she needs books and supplies, but she was acting so casual about it. Like the money was going to magically appear in the sky. She still doesn't have a job, and seems to be moving so slowly toward getting one. I think it is because she doesn't really feel deprived. She has a place to live, she has us and her stepsister to feed her. She has a phone and a gas card from her dad. She has a computer and a TV. So why SHOULD she get a job? Of course, she sees it differently, and thinks I am picking on her. She even threatened to quit school. I don't know if she will be able to make it all the way through a pre-med program (my money is on "no way, Jose") but I DO think she should have the chance to go to school and get SOME kind of degree. She has talent as an animator, as a writer and perhaps, if she really wants to be involved in helping cancer patients; as a researcher.
Kyi is really excited these days, because the caterpillars that we bought for his butterfly habitat have come out of their crysalises. He is amazing to listen to; knows many facts about butterflies... his memory of these classes, from May, is amazing! I am so proud of him. On the other hand, both Ed and I agree that it is time to increase his medication, because the effects of his ADHD are really starting to show again.
Kyi got sick on Saturday morning, and it caused Ed & I to argue. Ed had been off on Friday night, so he should have been able (in my opinion) to get up and help Kyi, so that I could sleep. But Ed was having some of his own physical problems, and wasn't able to move or to respond as quickly as I thought he should, and I angrily stormed up and went to help Kyi. I was very resentful and cranky from lack of sleep, and I really yelled at him. After I calmed down we were able to talk. I realized that I had been harboring resentment about Ed's condition for a few days. I felt ashamed of my resentment, and hadn't said anything. Ed cannot help his condition. He cannot respond quickly, even under the best of circumstances, and he is even more challenged lately because of severely pinched nerves in his neck and hip. I am a very quick-thinking, impatient person. I want quick results to all my problems and all the times I talk to someone. When someone doesn't answer me quickly, I think they are a) stupid b) ignoring me or c) lazy. Those things make me angry, and I unfairly acted angrily toward Ed. I had built up days and weeks of anger about his condition, and his inability to help me and pay attention to me, and the argument - and its aftermath - got us talking about it. I feel so ashamed of myself. How can I be impatient with this kind, loving, wonderful and disabled man? I am a nurse. I should be even more sympathetic. Yet, I had been selfish and only able to focus on what Ed couldn't do. How can I feel sorry for myself; when I have so much more than I had, before I met him? Not material things, or even the help I hoped for. But an emotionally supportive partner, and someone who does little things for me that I don't even notice, like changing my computer screensaver to a picture I was searching for.
Marriage is teaching me many things.,......none of which I knew I needed to learn. I am grateful to God. Every day I pray that God will continue to change me into the woman He has called me to be; and the best wife I can be to Ed; the best mom that Kyi and Christina could have. That is what I want for my life... if I can work toward those things, then happiness is sure to follow me.
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 9/8/2005 8:47:09 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
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I finished my poster last night, and everyone liked it. Now, it seems that my boss and fellow staff members are recognizing not only my ability as a nurse, but my creative talents. I am not sure if this would have happened, in any other way... on day shift, I wouldn't have had the time to make the poster, and/or to volunteer for other projects.
I have now been asked to be on the Education council at the hospital, plus to head up the staff newsletter. My boss also selected me as the floor representative for a committee about Magnet Hospital status, which is up for renewal this year. I am very honored and excited, and I can truly see that being in my present job has given me the unique opportunity to be involved in these great things. I may not be able to be a teacher, at this time, but these opportunities are very exciting to me, and I am grateful for them.
Nothing much new at home. Christina got me upset by suggesting that she might go on welfare; rather than get a job. "But mom, it will mean you won't have to pay as much money to feed me!" I told her (and meant it) that I would rather pay twice as much money to support her than for her to be on welfare. She is an able-bodied intelligent person... it disgusts me that she would go on welfare rather than work. That is just wrong. But it is not for me to say... it is her life. But I know she wants to go on a Study Abroad trip to Japan, this summer... and I have told her she must earn and pay her own ticket for the trip. She can't do that, by welfare. Well... I have to give it to God. She knows my opinion.
Tonight I am off duty, because this will be my first weekend on duty. I feel comfortable with the other nurse, and I think we will have a good weekend. Kyi will be on a camping trip, with other children from the church. Ed's son, Ben, will be one of the chaperones, so we know he will have at least one person who knows him and can handle him. He is looking forward to it. I have to go and talk to his teacher, tomorrow, as she says he is (again) not focusing on his schoolwork; that she can tell he knows the answers, yet when it is time to write them on paper, or to be tested, he cannot get the information on paper. This is part of his ADHD, and he has had this problem before. It usually means it is time to change medications (which we suspected) and to get him some Resource Room help. We will begin this process, tomorrow.
Nothing new between Ed and I, though I have seen him become more affectionate, and I do appreciate it. God is helping me to see the blessings in this marriage; rather than feel sorry for myself, for what I do not have
God bless you all!
< Message edited by forgiven4ever -- 9/9/2005 9:09:20 AM >
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 9/13/2005 4:10:19 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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My first weekend on duty went well. I work really well with the two people who are assigned to our weekend. I know that we will probably have some bad nights in the future, but it was a good start.
Tonight is my night off, and tomorrow morning I will go with Ed to the neurosurgeon, who will give his recommendation for what Ed can do to relieve his neck and hip discomfort. I think he will recommend either a back operation or a hip operation. Ed really wants relief from pain and dizziness, so he is willing to have the operation which will help him the most. He wants to wait until after Special Olympics' winter games, which will be in early November.
I had went in and talked to Kyi's teacher, since he has been falling behind in his homework. This is a problem that he has had before. Now, they are going to try a new program to give him extra help at school.
Christina is still doing well at school, though she doesn't yet have a job. This Friday is her 18th birthday, and on Sunday we are taking her and Tina (it is her birthday on Thursday!) to a Japanese restaraunt, where they cook your food in front of you. The way she likes Japanese music and culture; she should love this! We are all looking forward to it.
God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 9/18/2005 9:39:19 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
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Tonight we took the girls to the Japanese restaraunt, and it was really fun! I really enjoy the "show"; where they cook the dinner in front of you. The week has been going well, for the most part. I even worked my first overtime shift. I am tired, but happy that we are finally beginning to pay off some of our bills.
The doctor that we saw on Wednesday did recommend surgery, on the spine bones in Ed's neck. They want to push the bones back, trim the spurs which have been formed, and then put a rod in to prevent that from happening again. I have seen the results of this doctor's surgery, on my unit in the hospital, and I have confidence in him. Ed surprised me; by saying he doesn't feel well enough to wait until November. But the doctor had good news: if he does the surgery in early October, Ed should be able to get around enough to still be the announcer for the Games in November. Ed will be out of work, again, for about three months, but I am thankful that he has already saved up enough time so that we won't suffer, financially. I pray that we will be able to meet the challenges that this will bring to our lives. I already find myself frustrated by Ed's inability to help me with housework, and with watching Kyi.
To be honest, I also find myself frustrated with his lack of energy, in general. I feel HORRIBLE about this: he is disabled, which I KNEW before I married him. But I didn't really know how that would affect our daily lives. Ed thinks, moves, and acts much slower than I do. He thinks things over for a few days; before acting, while I am very spontaneous in most things. If I need him to do something for me, I can usually count on waiting a few days. This makes me crazy, but I am praying for both patience and understanding. It is really hard to admit this. I want to see myself as a sympathetic and compassionate person, since a nurse should be the first person to sympathize with a disabled person. But I am finding myself praying for patience - and the wisdom to hold my tongue - each day.
Another area which I wish I could change is that Ed is not as openly affectionate as I am. I would LOVE to cuddle, or just "make out"; to hold him in my arms for awhile, before we go to sleep. But Ed isn't used to that, and doesn't initiate it very often. He also says that even a little affection gets him aroused, and there are times that he knows he would be too tired to participate, so he just doesn't even want to "start anything". He even resists his own desires, if he thinks I may be too tired to participate. (Though I have told him, and meant it, that I will seldom be THAT tired!) I hate to initiate affection, as I wonder if he is just too tired or sore. So I just don't approach him, and my heart cries out with my need for affection and intimacy. But, this is part of who Ed is, and I have asked God to help me understand and accept this, too. I am praying it may be somewhat better after he has recovered from surgery - the doctor thinks he will regain a good deal of energy, after it is done.
Thanks, as always, to all who read this and hold us up in prayer.
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 9/22/2005 7:30:41 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
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Not much has changed, and I have to admit I am convinced that this surgery is the best thing for Ed. He spends almost all of his time off in bed, because he is so tired and dizzy. I want to reach out and help him but I can't. He needs God's help, and he needs the surgery. He insists on working until the day before the surgery, and I admire this about him. But it means that he has no energy for anything else, and he is too tired to spend much time with us.
I have asked God for help and I want to be clear: I love my husband. I thank God for him. I know that he is the one that God selected for me. Maybe it is because I need patience, or to learn to trust in God. But I know for sure that if I trust God to fill my needs, He will. Whatever I need, He will give me. I know that for sure.
Ed is a sweet, decent, loving faithful husband and I have to learn the patience that I need; to be the best wife he could have.
I am finding things to fill my time. I have some projects I am involved with, online, and at work, and they help me get through the lonely times. My colleagues at work are becoming friends, and I am grateful. Church is becoming more comfortable. I will still miss NJ, for a while, but it gets less every day. I hardly remember my NJ job, until I really think about it!
The kids are doing well. Kyi had his medication increased, as we have been noting that he has more of a problem with focus, lately. Christina seems very happy with her classes, and she did drop off the application for working as a campus security officer. She claims she has been looking for work "every day" and I have to let it go, and trust God.
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 9/28/2005 12:47:19 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
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Ed has finished his work rotation, and is off until next Tuesday. I am glad, because work is really taking a toll on him. He is so exhausted; challenged by his condition, and doesn't have any energy. He won't stop working, though, until the day before his surgery, because he can't afford to use his days off until he is hospitalized. I have to trust God; to take care of him, because his illness makes him quiet and withdrawn. What little time we are awake together, we can't talk very much.
Kyi got into an argument with one of the girls on the bus, and at first I thought that we were repeating his pattern of fighting; like he did in NJ. But I called his teacher, and she brought them together and they talked it out. I am praying it is resolved. From her description, it seems that it was a minor misunderstanding.
Christina may have a job!  (Had to jump up and down over that one) And, of all the people who could have helped her find it, she found help from an unlikely source: Ed's ex-wife! She works for a hospice organization, as a companion, and will help Christina get trained to do that, too. It will be a great job for her, since she wants to work with cancer patients (like her late sister), in the future.
My most exciting news is that the poster I worked on won FIRST PRIZE! My boss says it is the first time that our floor has won a prize for a poster. I am so glad to be part of this great team. What a wonderful thing... I worked really hard, and am proud of myself for winning.
I am OK, though I truly wish that Ed were well, and that we could communicate the way that we used to. I miss the way he was, but am praying that God will help me to accept him just as he is. One day at a time.
God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 10/2/2005 11:53:37 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Things have been resolved with Kyi and the girl on the bus.
Christina and I seem to be getting along better; she came over tonite, and we watched Grey's Anatomy together. She told me she wants to change her major to English. She is totally convinced that she wants a job where she can work from home (like being a writer) I actually think English is a MUCH better major for her. I never thought she would survive pre-med. But I think she is unrealistic; thinking she can stay home and make a living. Some people can, and more power to them. But they should be people who are self-motivated. She is not.
And she showed me her present to herself for her 18th birthday. She got a tattoo! It is on her back; some kind of framework, with teal-colored roses; and her sister's initials. WOW. I can't believe she did it. I would never want one, but I find myself admiring it.
Ed had a good day, today. He has some good days, and some bad days. It is hard for me to watch him suffer, during the bad days. There is little I can do for him, except what I am doing: all the housework, laundry and cooking. He doesn't have the energy for those, so I don't mind doing them. The house isn't as clean as I wish it was, but that's OK.
I am praying that he doesn't go to work, this week. He has just about a week left until the surgery, and I get so worried when he is at work. He is alone in an office, and if he fell...... well, as he is the security dispatcher, I know someone would notice if he didn't answer the radio. I just have to trust God.
We talk enough, but it is different than it was before this recent phase of his illness. I feel very alone; as if I am still back in NJ: married, yet living without him. I am learning to accept it and to turn to God for my needs. But it is so hard. So near to Ed; yet - in reality, on some days - so hard.
I worked an overtime shift yesterday and it was very difficult. It was on a different floor than my own. One of my patients was very sick, and it looks as though she may not survive. It is a very difficult situation. I am praying for her, but I think she may have been just too sick.
Another piece of good news is that a nurse on my shift went into labor yesterday; so "our baby" is probably already here! Please say a prayer for the health of SA and her baby, MA.
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 10/7/2005 11:33:22 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
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My friend did have her baby, and she is happily home with her healthy daughter, Mackenzie. I am very glad for her. For the next six weeks, when she is on maternity leave, we are going to have to have lots of "guest nurses", and that will be a trial, but I know God will get us through it. I am drawing closer to the other fulltime nurse, and I am really seeing us pull together as a team
The floor where I worked, the other night -where I had the problem - was very concerned about me. The manager even wrote me a note. I was very touched that they would care so much. I really don't want to work there again, but now at least I won't rule it out. Besides, there is WAY enough overtime on my own floor, now. I am going in 4 hours early, again, tonite.
Today I tried to donate blood, so that it could be available for Ed's surgery next week. I wasn't able to, because my iron was low, but at least I tried! I am now enjoying what's left of my day off.
All the preparations are now made, for Ed's surgery and I am glad to say he took this week off from work. The extra rest has made such a difference in his mood. He is so much easier to get along with! I thank God for that.
Christina hasn't heard from the place where she interviewed, but her babysitting job looks like a regular thing. That is only one day a week, though. She did change her major, and I think that is for the best.
Thanks to all for reading. God bless you all!!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 10/10/2005 8:33:35 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I am very glad that I have this blog. It is a place where I can always be completely honest. And, for today, it is a place where I can cry out my feelings. Tomorrow is Ed's surgery, and all I can do is feel sorry for myself; because tomorrow is going to be a difficult day for me.
I see the words I wrote and want to slap myself! My Ed is having surgery on the spinal bones of his neck; right next to the spinal cord, and all I can do is whine about how tired I am going to be, and how it is going to screw up the eating schedule of my new diet. (Well, that's one thing I guess I can stop complaining about, because my depression over tomorrow has led me to a binge, and I have temporarily hopped off the diet train. So I may as well stay off til tomorrow)
I have to work the night shift tonite. I couldn't get anyone to take my place or switch with me, and the woman who works on my days off is on vacation. I am not angry with her. I am a bit upset with my manager. I feel like she didn't really try to replace me. And the other nurses are scrambling to cover the open shifts; left by the nurse who had a baby. So I must work until 7am tomorrow morning. When I get home I have to get Kyi ready to go next door; catch a one-hour nap (MAYBE) , and then we are off to the hospital! We have about 2 hours to wait from the time he checks in; until the surgery, and I am determined to be awake until he is taken into the operating room. Our pastor is coming to pray with Ed, and I am ashamed to say I am upset about that. I am upset because my inability to sleep will make it difficult for me to be pleasant with anyone, let alone the pastor. (I know it's not about me, but I can't help my feelings. I am ASHAMED of those feelings, but they are there). Ed will be taken into the OR at noon, and his youngest daughter Becky hopes to be there by then. So there is another person that I have to be pleasant to. Now, I love Becky so this normally wouldn't be a problem. But I am useless without sleep, and I know I am going to be barely coherent.
I was hoping to fall asleep in the waiting room, while Ed was in surgery, but now I have to sit and talk to Becky.
Gosh. I sound like such a brat. My husband is facing spinal surgery and all I can think of is me, me, me. I feel as though I want someone to comfort ME. And this isn't really about me. Yet, these feelings have made me resentful and so sad. I think that part of it is my unwillingness to dwell on the reality of Ed's surgery. They are operating SO close; to the spinal cord. I know Ed doesn't want to continue living like he is; now, but what if the surgery makes him worse? What if it doesn't work at all?
I do trust God to take care of Ed, yet I am concerned. I do know and trust the neurosurgeon, but I am still concerned. And maybe all this focus on ME is a way to avoid dwelling on these concerns.
Please pray for Ed, and for me. Pray that I stay civil, and awake, and that I am then able to safely drive home from the hospital tomorrow. Thanks and God bless you all.
< Message edited by forgiven4ever -- 10/10/2005 8:41:49 PM >
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 10/11/2005 9:56:12 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Just a quick note to let all who are following this blog that Ed came through his surgery and is resting comfortably. The surgery went exactly as planned; without any complications. There was minimal blood loss.
They took him an hour before they had planned, and he was relieved to go. He was in so much pain, and he was most of all praying that this will help relieve that pain. It is too soon for us to know the overall outcome, but the doctor feels there is a good chance that his problem is solved, and that he will make an excellent recovery.
Thank you, Jesus!
And the day went better than I had feared, though I am now too tired to sleep. The pastor got there right after they took Ed up to the OR, and he was prepared to wait with me for the whole 4 hours of Ed's surgery. I was touched, despite my exhaustion. We talked and it was nice to know that someone was there, for me. Becky came at about 1pm and I became glad of their company. I was exhausted, but I felt like I were being borne up on the wings of angels. It was very comforting. Becky went down to the cafeteria with me, and we bonded over pizza with sundried tomatoes.
We got word about 3pm that he had come through the surgery. I was so thankful to hear it! We were told that we had about 2 more hours before we could see him, so we called everyone in the family to give them news. Then we went to the gift shop to buy a funny gift for Ed. I also found a funny Skeleton Arm Pen; for Kyi. (The first finger bone is the pen tip) We laughed over many of the gifts, and I was giddy by 5:30, when they finally said we could go upstairs to his room. I gave him a big hug and was so glad to see him! I met with the nurses, and gave them a summary of his health history.
I came home and spent a little time with Kyi. Now I am ready to go to bed. I will see him again in the morning. I am very grateful that Ed has survived the surgery, and I am praying that it will help him to get better.
God bless you all, and thanks for your prayers.
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 10/12/2005 6:18:31 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
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Today Ed did something which he hasn't done since February... moved his arm and shoulder; without numbness or pain.
He still has a lot of pain in his neck, and he couldn't tolerate being up in the chair for longer than 1/2 hour, but he is making progress and the doctor is pleased with the results of the surgery, so far. Time will tell the overall effect, but he may go home as soon as Saturday.
I am OK. I caught up on sleep last night, got to my breakfast meeting this morning, and got to sit with Ed for most of the morning after the meeting. I went to my church membership class this afernoon, and it seems like they are considering me for teaching the Teens Sunday School class. I would be glad to have a service position, and it is one I have experience with. I guess we will see; once I am done with the class.
Kyi made Ed a cute Get Well card; with the mascot for the Philadelphia Eagles flying across it. When I go to work tonite, I will go up to his room and put it on his tray table. If he is sleeping, I will just leave the card.
The rest of the week should go pretty smoothly. I will be at the hospital til noon tomorrow morning, because of another meeting. So our next-door neighbor, who will watch him while I work, will put him on the bus. I will go to see him briefly; after my meeting, and then go home and take a nap. I have asked Becky to watch Kyi this Saturday morning, so I can sleep. Saturday evening I promised to take him to buy his Hallowe'en costume.
I am doing my best to trust in God, and I am beginning to be cautiously optimistic. What I truly hope for is for Ed to go back to the way he was; before his problems began, in February. I will accept whatever God's Will is, but this is what I truly hope for.
Thanks again to all who are praying for him and for me. I appreciate your prayers.
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 10/15/2005 9:22:20 PM
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forgiven4ever
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Ed is still in the hospital. He isn't progressing as quickly as they had hoped. He is in almost constant pain, no matter which position he is in. They have adjusted his medications a few times, without any good result. For the past few days he has also had problems peeing on his own, but that is getting better.
He is very frustrated and cranky. He can't get out of bed for longer than a few minutes. He can't tolerate therapy. He can't even feed himself, and hates asking to be fed. He is also scared to eat, because if he then has to go to the bathroom, it is torture for him to get there.
He is so upset and this makes him cranky. I've gone to see him for a few minutes each evening; on my way to work, and then first thing in the morning, before I leave the hospital for home. It is good to see him, but it is also difficult because he is so cranky and hard to talk to. He is very scared that he may not get better; that he won't be able to get any better.
I've prayed with him and all I can do is trust God. I believe that his body will heal. I didn't think it would take this long for him to recover, because he has had procedures since I knew him, and he has always bounced right back and gone home.
Today, after I woke up I picked up Kyi at Becky's house and we bought his Hallowe'en costume. He is going to be Darth Vader. He looks really cute! Then we went to Pizza Hut because we needed a treat. We visited Ed in the hospital, and Kyi talked me into parking on the roof of the employee lot. (He loves high places) Ed was very cranky and sore, and I felt as though he wanted us to leave. So I rubbed his back for him, and then we left. When we got home he said he had really wanted us to stay, because he thought I might help him sit up for awhile. But he had been in too much pain; to tell me.  It made me sad that he didn't say anything, but also made me happy to know there may be something that I can do for him tomorrow.
When we got home I decided to make pumpkin bread. I wanted to make it to give as a gift to our pastor. I want to thank him for staying with me last Tuesday. Kyi decided to "help" make the bread, (of course THAT resulted in a MAJOR mess!)
But now I have four small loaves of pumpkin bread, and the house smells great.
I am going to try to get some rest, and enjoy the rest of my much-needed weekend off. We will go back to the hospital tomorrow after church, and Ed said he really wants my help. I told him that of course I will help him, and that I will also come during the day on Monday.
Please continue to pray for him, and for me. I miss him and my heart breaks to think of him being in pain and feeling so helpless.
God bless you all!
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I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 10/18/2005 9:39:14 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I couldn't make it to the hospital yesterday, because I had come down with some kind of flu-like "bug". I never call out sick, but I didn't want to risk bringing germs to Ed, and I needed the rest.
He understood, and gave me the great news that what I had done, on Sunday, to help him get washed and shaved made him feel well enough to work harder in therapy. They also increased his pain medication.
Ed did very well yesterday, and the doctor felt he made good progress. They scheduled his therapy for early in the morning, so I went to his room this morning and helped him wash and dress again. He called me this afternoon with some great news! They want him to increase his therapy, and the doctor feels he can tolerate it. SO..... this makes him eligible to be a patient on MY floor! When he called this afternoon, he was in a room on "my" floor. He will be my patient tonight.
That gives me some mixed feelings. Of course, I am glad that he can increase his therapy time, and that this will ensure he is really ready to go home. (The doctor now says about another week before he comes home) But it will definitely bring my home/private life into view of all of my colleagues. Talk about up close and personal.
I am proud of Ed, and I admire him greatly... but it is hard for me to have my teammates delving into his personal, intimate details.
On the other hand, I trust the members of my team, and so I am glad he will be taken care of by people that I admire and respect.
I have to call Ben and Becky. I hope they will be willing to take care of Kyi for me, this weekend. It is my weekend to work, and I will need to sleep during the day.
Kyi is doing well. He went on a walking trip in our downtown area, today. He had a good time and ate a picnic lunch with his class.
Please continue in prayer for us. He still needs lots of strength and to continue to heal.
God bless you all!
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I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 10/25/2005 6:58:25 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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The past week has been difficult; divided between home and work. I have spent more time at the hospital because of Ed being there, but also had to spend special time with Kyi, who has had to be at the babysitter more often than normal.
Ben was nice enough to come over and watch Kyi; this past weekend. On Friday, I took the morning of my day off; and spent it watching Ed in physical therapy. It was a great experience, because I got to see, first hand, how he is doing (very well!) but also because now I know what happens to the patients on my floor, when they go to that department. I got to see many of my patients. At first, it was awkward sitting back and watching others take care of them (and of Ed) but after awhile I was able to appreciate the job they are doing, and how I am part of the overall rehab team.
The best news of all is that Ed is coming home, tomorrow! Luckily, it is my day off tomorrow so I will spend the morning cleaning and getting the house ready. It will be SO good to have him home. I am making a nice, simple dinner and inviting Christina over so we can have a good family time tomorrow.
I am worried about Christina, but have been spending a lot of time in prayer for her. She stopped taking her medication, when she moved to Pennsylvania. She hates medication even when it is helpful. When she doesn't take it, she is constantly sick to her stomach. I suspect she is missing a lot of school; like when we were in NJ. I can no longer verify this, and no longer can be there to help her each day when she is sick. She made these adult choices, and now she has to live with them. She has also done very little to get a job. One of the results of this is that she is broke, and yet ashamed to ask us for money. (She also knows I will be angry when she asks; because she doesn't want to admit how little she has done to find a job) Anyway. It is hard to watch her continue being sick, and continue without a job, when she has the power to turn those things around. I have to pray, give her to God, and then stand back. I will be there if she is ever ready to grow up, and love her no matter what.
That's all for now. I have missed having Ed at home. Having him as my patient at night has been nice, but it will be so much better when he is here, again. It did get awkward, sometimes; knowing that my coworkers were bathing him and getting him dressed, but after a while he became able to do that himself, so it turned out to be a good experience.
God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 10/30/2005 8:47:36 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Ed came home from the hospital on Wednesday, and we have been slowly getting him into a routine. I have put all of his pills into pillboxes, and I have a medication schedule taped on the refrigerator so we can both remember it. He is in a lot of pain, but he tries to spend a few hours up at a time. I am now taking almost complete care of him, as he is unable to move his arms very much without pain. He can walk with a walker, and make small movements (like eating finger foods, and washing his face) if he makes them slowly. For now, that is the best he can do.
He has a visiting nurse. I don't think he really needs one, (and I don't like her much) but she is here to head up the "home care team" - and he needs that, because of the physical & occupational therapist. He needs to get more endurance, and and more strength. He needs to become more independent. This is what he wants, and he will work hard to do it. But he needs their help. It is hard for me to have other people in my home, but that is what Ed needs.
Most of the time, I am the one who takes care of him. And that is good, because I love him. But it is also hard, because it eats away at any free time I have, and it makes me pause to think; before anything I might like to do. For example, today I had to drive 2 hours to pick up Kyi from his grandfathers' home. Ed had gone on the trip there with me, but he found he couldn't tolerate that amount of time in the car. But neither of us felt comfortable with me being gone from him for 5 hours, so Ben had to come over and stay with him while I was gone.
We have gone out to eat twice. (It was Ben's birthday, and we also celebrated Tina's opening of her new beauty shop) It was hard, because Ed's walker is large and hard to move through the aisles of a restaraunt. Also, he can't get very comfortable in a diner. He needs to sit in a booth, and he kind of takes it over while he squirms into place. It is hard for him, and for us, as we move frequently as he needs us to.
I hate to seem like I am complaining. I love Ed, and I feel it is part of loving him; to take care of him. As a nurse, I see his courage in moving through his pain. As a wife, I feel his frustration in having me wash him and dress him. He hates disturbing me, especially when I am asleep. But he can't even go to the bathroom without my help, so he wakes me up.
I am tired, and I think I am coming down with the flu, or something. This was my weekend off, and I don't feel like I got any rest at all. I wish I didn't feel so tired, or so cranky. But I do.
What is hardest for me is the lack of affection. His words are sometimes affectionate, though his medications and his pain make him crankier than usual. But he is unable to move his arms, or to move his body in any major way. He needs to sit or lie still, or to move only in ways that are comfortable. When someone is next to him, it isn't comfortable. So, I scoot over to the far side of our bed and I just long to hold him. And to be held by him. Sometimes he reaches for my hand, or touches me on the shoulder. But he can't hug me, or kiss me for longer than just a peck. I miss it so MUCH! And don't get me STARTED on how much I miss making love.....
Sigh.....
God knows my need, and so I am learning that when I give these needs to Him, He is faithful to show me other ways to be comforted or to get my needs met. My beloved husband is going through a season where his body isn't his own to command, and I need to become patient enough to love him and to wait for that season to pass. Do I like this? Of course not! But it is what the Lord has given me; to deal with, for today, so I must accept it and turn to the One Who has promised to fulfill ALL my needs.
In other news, Christina FINALLY has a job!!! Woohoo! She is a part time security officer at the college. This is Ed's doing; he recommended her to his boss, so I am praying she does a good job, and that this doesn't come back to haunt him.
Kyi was doing very well in school, but had a difficult day on Friday. It is remarkable that it was Friday when he acted out, as I was late home from work on Friday, and I was so proud that he was able to put himself on the bus, on time. He never did that before, and I was so proud. Yet he had a very bad day; focus-wise in school. We are praying to find ways to help him do more consistently well, in school.
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I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 11/5/2005 9:14:48 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I can see God's hand in our lives, during this last week. Ed has been changing for the better; in slow and subtle ways. Today I began to see the "old Ed" again, and I think we may be turning the corner toward normalcy.
Little by little, he has gotten more mobile. He is now able to walk short distances without the walker. He has gotten able to sit up for longer times. He can now dress himself, with a minimum amount of help; and he can wash his front without my help. I stand by and hand him the washcloth, and the soap. But he is getting alot more independent.
I am so grateful to God, and I feel so upset at myself for the way I was griping. I should have known that God would change the situation; in His time. He is also more able to move his arms, and so he is more able to to be affectionate.
Yesterday we went to see his doctor. I gave the doctor some suggestions about Ed's medications. Though Ed needs painkillers, I thought that the meds he was taking were part of the reason he was so "dopey". And the doctor agreed with me. So, yesterday we started some new medications, and I really have seen the difference. Ed was also able to be honest with me; that he felt so out of control, about his medication. Although he knew he needed to depend on me, for help, and to be in charge of his medication schedule, he was very frustrated about this. He felt like he was being treated like a child. And we talked about it for awhile, and it brought alot of our feelings to a head. I think we are both better able to understand each other.
I am so grateful for the changes in him. And I can hope, from the small moments of affection that he is now able to give me; that soon he will be able to cuddle and hold me as I crave. Tonight we borrowed a plastic lawn chair from a neighbor, plunked it into the tub, and gave him his first shower since the surgery. That was fun, but we both got wet!
I thank all of you who are praying for us. I thank God for the hope and promise I see; in the changes He is making in Ed's body. The changes we will continue to make, in his medication, will hopefully help him to get back to his best self.
God bless you all!
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I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 11/14/2005 7:53:47 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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Ed and I just got back from a three-day weekend where he was able to be the announcer for Special Olympics roller skating. I think Special Olympics is a wonderful organization. In the past, when we have gone, I always end up being glad. We always manage to have some fun; spend a little time in a nice hotel, and end up feeling wonderful.
Not this weekend.
Ed has been so frustrated with his lack of progress in recovery. He wants to be back to his best self, and gets angry with himself because he can't. His anger spills over onto me, and onto Kyi. He is cranky, surly, short-tempered and difficult to be with. And, because he is dealing with Special Olympic athletes - who sometimes need to have things repeated several times, or to have signs read for them - he repeats things to me many times, and reads all the road signs to me. It made me crazy.
We fought about so many things. I don't know what to say except that we need prayer to learn to better express our disagreement; without being hurtful to each other.
We are home and we still love each other, but I confess that I am worried. He says that this happened to him when he had his heart bypass, and he receieved anger management counseling. I think we both need it. I know we both need more prayer and more patience. For now, I am just glad to be home.
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I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 11/20/2005 2:51:01 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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The week has progressed, and things are somewhat better. At least he knows when he is losing his temper/patience, and he apologizes to us and asks for time to himself. He rested all day last Monday, and he is seeming more like himself. I took him to see the surgeon, who told him that he is coming along fine. He doesn't really believe that, because he is not back to normal. But at least he heard it from someone besides me.
He is becoming a bit more affectionate, which is wonderful. But we still haven't been intimate, and yesterday he admitted that the medications are affecting him. He is also afraid to exert himself. So, God will have to help me continue to be patient. Sigh......
His coworkers took up a collection and bought us a certificate for a free turkey, and for groceries to go with it. We plan to have Thanksgiving dinner at our apartment. Christina will come over in the morning and cook the turkey while I sleep. She really wants to do this. She also will make an apple pie (her specialty) My stepkids are eating at their mom's house. For the past two years, I have gone to Ed's ex-wife's home for Thanksgiving. I can tolerate her to a point but lately she has seemed more difficult to be around (probably I noticed it more now that I live in Pa.!) I am working night shift this week, and I really can't imagine waking up at noon and then having to deal with her. I love the kids, but I invited them to have dessert here so I will still see them. Between my schedule and Ed's condition, I just really want things to be as easy as they can be.
I have suspected, for some time, that Christina is missing classes. Last year she missed alot of school because of her physical problems. Though we brought her to the doctor, numerous times, he never found anything wrong. He gave her meds for depression, but she hates to take them. I thought she was skipping classes, for the same reasons. This week, she told me she had never really wanted to go to college! She says that she went along with it to please me. She said she really wanted to "take a year off" and "find herself" before she began school. She is so bright; yet also so unmotivated. I am concerned that if she drops out now, she would never start again.
The counselor at school says because of her depression, she can get a medical leave, and withdraw from school. So that is what she is doing. She went to the doctor and she had him sign the papers. What she wants to do now is to go stay with her friends in Virginia. She is friends with a couple; who have two young children. Christina would be the children's nanny, in exchange for room and board. I will miss her very much, but I think this is a good idea, for her. She loves kids and is good with them. She thinks that someday she wants to be a stay-at-home mom, and this will be a good way to prepare.
This is a good thing for us, in some ways. We have been very challenged by Christina's laziness and inability to get a job. From a financial standpoint, she has been a real burden to us. This will save us what we now spend on tuition, rent and her food expenses. We can finally begin to catch up on bills, and maybe even save for our retirement and for Kyi's schooling. We have agreed to pay for her car insurance, and a small amount of spending money per month. I wanted her to stay until June (when her lease is up) but apparantly the woman is willing to pay off the rest of her lease, so that Christina will be able to go sooner. She is leaving right after the New Year.
I will miss her alot. Despite our differences, and my frustration with her, I do love her. I truly pray she finds happiness. And I suppose I would like her to go to college for something. I think she is too bright not to go. If her passion is taking care of kids, she should get a degree in that. Then if she wanted to she could have a Day Care in her home and make extra money.
It has become very difficult to see her lack of participation in family events. My stepkids are helping us more than she is. But that is the way Ed raised them. I know I raised her better than this, but now that she is an adult she is making her own choices. And I have to let her.
I see this as an essential part of her maturing. But it will be difficult for me. Of course, her dad is livid. He doesn't want her to go. But I see that she must. I just pray she is safe, and can rely on the Lord for her happiness.
God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 11/22/2005 3:27:26 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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We've been having a challenging time at work. Many very sick patients. I have had a chance to share my faith and pray with some of them, so I am praising God for that. The boss confirmed yesterday that I will be back on day shift (most of the time) as of December 19 so that is a good thing.
Christina's impending move is bothering me more than I thought it would. I know she is an adult and she is entitled to make decisions for herself. But the decisions that she make are disappointing to me. I have to let her make them (although we do set limits on how much they can hurt us, financially) but it is very hard to see her wasting her life. Yes, that is MY interpretation of her choices.
I raised her so much better than this. I feel like a failure as a mom; I taught her (and showed her by my own example) how to have a good work ethic, and to take accountability for the quality of the jobs she does. Also that you need to sometimes take jobs you might not normally pick; just to put food on the table. But she chooses to run as soon as any job gets challenging, and yet she continues to run up bills and feel sorry for herself when I don't immediately fix her financial problems. Unfortunately, her dad doesn't believe in "tough love" like we do, and bails her out again and again.
I also taught her the value of education. I am a teacher, as well as a nurse, and the importance of going to school and doing your best, as well as having good attendance is one of the things I taught her. Yet she is | | |
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