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ORIGINAL: yadah_mod

Well GEE!!!!



Hurry UP and get back home!

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Isn't God cool?

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ORIGINAL: magdaleine

Look what I would have missed had I tried to orchestrate things to keep my fears from happening! There are blessings in facing our fears (or pains) and moving through them, rather than around or away from them.

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ORIGINAL: magdaleine

LOL! Tough! You had no choice!

More on Mattering

Well, I was pretty upset. I didn't dare cry at the meeting. I didn't feel safe enough to be that vulnerable so I tried to ignore the pain. I wanted to talk to dh when we got home, however, about all the thoughts that were swirling in my head from the meeting. At the same time, I didn't trust myself to do that. I'm wanting to treat him with respect. How do I do that when I'm hurting and angry? It's hard.

I got home before he did and when he did get home, he made a comment based on something the pastor had said about pets. "Our pets (remember, we have large turtles) are not emotionally sympathetic." I responded, "Neither are our husbands." He looked at me in surprise. "What's wrong?" A pause and then, "I didn't do anything wrong!" That last comment kind of confirms what I've been beginning to see. The way he relates to me is more based on a checklist than on relating in any intimate way. He carries around a mental checklist of what to do or avoid in order to keep me from being "ticked off". And yeah, his checklist is negative like that, as opposed to, "What would keep her happy?"

Well, he had someone coming over shortly so I refused to answer his question until after she had come and gone. I didn't want the house full of tension when she arrived--that sort of thing is so noticeable--nor did I want to be interupted at a key place in whatever discussion might ensue. He wasn't happy about waiting but I insisted.

Finally the guest was gone and we could begin to talk. Wow! I did NOT expect the response I got. He agreed! He wasn't defensive. He didn't argue. He listened as I spoke about him not doing all these things, especially listening, how it made me feel like I don't matter to him, how it seemed like his relationship with me was more like a checklist of do's and don'ts, etc. Wow! He said that what I said made sense. So he wanted to know what he could do. Actually, he said he's been praying for the last month about ... well, I can't remember the exact words but I guess about connecting with me or something. I said there were two things he could to to help me know he cares. He can show an interest in me by listening and by asking questions with an eye to understanding me. I suggested he start with more surface things because they're safer and currently I don't trust him with the deeper stuff (implying that that would come with time).

So he asked how I came to be at the meeting this morning. I answered. He didn't really ask anything more which is fine. I'm not sure I could have taken too much questioning in that direction. He also asked me if I'm interested in going to any retreats with him this summer at the place where he's on the board of directors. I might be. The one he's interested in is lead by a former assistant pastor of my old church and now Teaching Pastor at the church where we were this morning. I actually bumped into him when I arrived and he gave me a great big hug and chatted with me for a while. That was nice.

So I got up the courage to ask dh if he was interested in coming to the camp with me that my church is associated with on the May long weekend. I really don't want him to come. I want to go alone, but it's one of those nudges, you know. I knew I had to ask. Sigh. He wants to come. The good thing is he's offered to pay my share too. :D:D That's good! So now I have to register us. Well, God has a purpose.

And then, later this evening (the cause of the interuption above), he asked me out to dinner. Cool, eh? We had a nice time. I was kind of disappointed. I kind of hoped he was doing this as a chance to practice listening and to get to know me but he didn't do a whole lot of that. Finally I just started sharing some things. He listened politely but I think I went on too long and he quickly lost interest. But he continued listening anyway and I appreciated that. Told him so too.

On the way home we talked about listening. Who do we know that's a good listener. Who isn't. When is dh a good listener? He said he listens when he's interested. Ah ha! See? No wonder I feel like he doesn't care, that I don't matter. He, in essence, admitted it. But now, hopefully, things will change. I'm so AMAZED at how he accepted all that without getting defensive or arguing. Truly a miracle!