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Detachment Parenting Support Thread! - 10/4/2008 8:28:12 AM
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manda59
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From: Hampshire, UK
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Not that I believe in being detached from my children, it's just what the other term seems to imply is the alternative. 
(I am not at all suggesting that all AP'ers think this, I just think the name suggests it.)
And if the AP'ers can have a support thread, hey, why can't we? Whoever "we" is, of course. 
This thread is to support those who believe in being emotionally connected to their children, but don't believe it's necessarily necessary to be physically connected to them 24/7, or close to that.
This thread is for those who, for whatever reason (whether it's health reasons, personal choice etc) maybe don't co-sleep, perhaps don't carry their babies around most or all the time, possibly feel it's fine to put their babies down to sleep awake and on their own, might believe it's fine to do controlled crying at night, may consider it's ok to occasionally spank (with certain conditions), and are perchance of the opinion that it is quite ok for mum to sometimes meet her own needs, even if it means compromising the baby's needs a little. Which I believe is all totally possible whilst still remaining very strongly emotionally bonded and connected with your baby.
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"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Detachment Parenting Support Thread! - 10/4/2008 8:48:54 AM
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HenriettasCat
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Both of mine were in part time daycare from 6 months and I have found the experience benefitted both of them. A lot of mothers wait until their child is one year or more but I have noticed that this is actually more distressing for the baby because they have to adjust to the routine when routines are already established. I have always made sure mine where in by 7 months latest.
Although he is now 3 I have OJ in daycare for 2 days whilst I am at work and one extra day so that I can catch up in the home or just have a bit of 'down time'. It has worked well for us since I was on the point of exhaustion again and IMO makes me a better, less manic (trying to do everything) and more available mum when the children are at home.
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RE: Detachment Parenting Support Thread! - 10/4/2008 8:53:28 AM
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manda59
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I also once heard a speaker say that if we were perfect parents, our children would likely never see their need for Christ. Which I found both interesting, and a comfort.
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"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Detachment Parenting Support Thread! - 10/4/2008 9:01:02 AM
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HenriettasCat
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Manda, I just edited the bit I initially wrote because I thought that as mine are no longer babies maybe it didn't count.
Interesting though. Recently my 5 year old has had a couple of nightmares. Yesterday we were in the car and he was asking why God didn't stop the snake lying to Adam and Eve, why he doesn't make people in the world share the wealth (he has had harvest festival at school this week). I explained that God will never make us do anything. Then he said "Well, I need Him to change my mind because I keep having bad dreams". This gave me opportunity to pray with him last night.
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RE: Detachment Parenting Support Thread! - 10/4/2008 9:08:26 AM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: HenriettasCat
Manda, I just edited the bit I initially wrote because I thought that as mine are no longer babies maybe it didn't count.
I personally think it does!
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"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Detachment Parenting Support Thread! - 10/4/2008 10:13:56 AM
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lexie
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From: Toronto
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LOL...I'll post in both the attachment parenting thread and detachment parenting thread!
As I said in the other one, my parenting style is what came naturally to me and my daughter. So there are aspects of one style and aspects of another style that make up the choices we made with our daughter.
My husband's culture is more along the lines of this. If they chose co-sleeping or babywearing it was more out of necessity than it was a parenting decision (when you have 3 beds and 10 people, you pretty much end up cosleeping.)
We didn't cosleep, it was just something we did not want to do. Our daughter slept on my husband for the first week, and then she slept in her crib at night in her own room. Naps would alternate between with me or in the crib (most of the time we napped together on the couch.)
I tried baby wearing but she hated it, so we stopped using the wrap. She loved the Snugli once she could face out, but we used that only when going out. I would try babywearing again with the next child.
We never needed to do controlled crying. Akeelah was put down awake and she may cry for a few minutes and then fall asleep. If it lasted longer than a certain amount of time we would go in for her but it rarely got to it.
And spanking...we're ok with it. It's not the first method of punishment (unless it is something extremely dangerous) but we're not against it when other methods are used and she doesn't stop her behaviour.
Akeelah and I have an extremely strong bond and I know that the style of parenting we have used with her has worked out very well with us. But it's like I said, we've taken our cues from her and adapted our parenting style to who she is and that is why we are connected.
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I want to be more than an ordinary servant.
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RE: Detachment Parenting Support Thread! - 10/4/2008 11:16:15 AM
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manda59
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From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lexie
We never needed to do controlled crying. Akeelah was put down awake and she may cry for a few minutes and then fall asleep. If it lasted longer than a certain amount of time we would go in for her but it rarely got to it.
<scratches head> So you *did* do controlled crying then, didn't you?!
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"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Detachment Parenting Support Thread! - 10/4/2008 12:22:05 PM
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lexie
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LOL...if she was crying for longer than the period of time we gave her, then it meant she wasn't ready for sleep. So we would get her and one of us would just chill with her until she was ready for bed again. The second time we put her down she would always go down for the night.
We didn't do the whole, go in the room and reassure them, or leave them for intervals.
So. I guess we did a hybrid.
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I want to be more than an ordinary servant.
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RE: Detachment Parenting Support Thread! - 10/4/2008 7:28:25 PM
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Focusing
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My son has always been independent, and it's something I've encouraged, so I guess I would fall under the "detachment parenting" category. LOL
The very last thing I would ever want is a grown child who felt a need to be connected to me all the times because he never learned to not be attached to my hip. 
Obviously, I missed the big debate/discussion going on wherever because I didn't realize it was such an issue. 
Whatever happened to paying attention to the signals of what works with our individual children? When my son was little, crying like crazy, just because putting their child in the car worked for 99% of other parents didn't mean it worked for my child. As a matter of fact, being in my car while I was driving made him cry even more!
The advice of "keep the baby out of the sun" also was something that was a fallacy ... oftentimes when he was inconsolable, the only thing that would calm him would be to walk out into the sunshine, and he would push off my shoulder and stretch his head back. The moment the sun hit him fully in the face - instant calm.
Hey, it worked, he wasn't being harmed, and as far as I was concerned, anyone who felt I "should" do this or do that needed to just keep it to themself.
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There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven
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RE: Detachment Parenting Support Thread! - 10/4/2008 8:40:56 PM
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garsyt
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My question kinda goes along the same lines as Focusing's.
Whatever happened to parenting each and every one of your children in the way God leads you to?
I nursed and my infants slept in a bassinet near my and my husbands bed til, well different ages. One child was in their own room by 3 or 4 months, others were with me til 9 or 10 months. It all depended on that child's INDIVIDUAL needs and temperament.
I did carry one of my children around much of the time as that is what she needed - but her younger sister would have HATED being that close all the time. That child nursed and even as a tiny 4 month old child was happier when I let her alone either on a blanket on the floor or in her playpen. If I didn't put her down shortly after burping she would get fussy and squirmy.
Both girls now are equally loving and equally independent children at 7 and almost 11 years old.
I do believe that there is as in most everything a good balance to be found that most often works often times better then extremes on either end.
Blessings,
Garsy
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RE: Detachment Parenting Support Thread! - 10/4/2008 8:56:17 PM
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Mrs.Wifey
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From: The Gorgeous plains of Colorado
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quote:
Whatever happened to parenting each and every one of your children in the way God leads you to?
I think that is what most people do, and like I said in the AP thread, I only really found it necessary to "label" myself when I started looking for a good mommy/baby playgroup. We do make some not so main stream decisions about some things and it was tiresome to constantly explain/defend those choices.
In the end though, I started going to Mom's of Multiples play group with DD, and it's the best, most accepting of everyone's choices place that we have gone. Yeah, I know... We only have one kids but I nannied for triplets and one of the mom's is a close friend/coworker of mine.
For me though, it wasn't really reading a book and deciding "this is the best way" it was just doing what was modeled to me by my parents.
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RE: Detachment Parenting Support Thread! - 10/4/2008 9:11:10 PM
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Mrs.Wifey
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From: The Gorgeous plains of Colorado
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And you know, most of the babies that are worn, and whose parents practice AP don't tend to be any more "clingy" then normal. With the exception of high needs babies, and those can happen no matter what your parenting style.
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RE: Detachment Parenting Support Thread! - 10/4/2008 9:20:11 PM
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Leslie_JnJs_mom
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Yep I too followed many AP things( but not all of them) with my now 16 year old son. He does not want to sit in my lap unless he is being goofy and never wants to climb in bed with us. He is as independent as they come.
My 3 year old is a little more clingy but is now getting more and more able to play on her own. I barely get a love you mom bye at the nursery door at church with her.
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<------- Jessica and I had so much fun with grandma!
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RE: Detachment Parenting Support Thread! - 10/4/2008 9:21:41 PM
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Sideways
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
Once again I don't really understand the need to polarize.
Like it or not, there's been a lot of nasty stuff said about moms who do parent-led weaning/solids/feeding & sleep scheduling.
I'm sure you've had your share of criticisms, too. But it's not just the baby wearing/extending BFing/co-sleeping crowd that often has to deal with the crud other people can dish out. The pendulum swings in both directions.
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This warranty does not include shark bites, bear attacks and children under five.
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RE: Detachment Parenting Support Thread! - 10/4/2008 9:30:12 PM
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Sideways
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Oh, I see. I just met some ladies at the Library Storytime and we formed our own group. No money involved, just ladies and kids meeting up about once a week.
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This warranty does not include shark bites, bear attacks and children under five.
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RE: Detachment Parenting Support Thread! - 10/4/2008 9:51:50 PM
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macokjc
Posts: 266
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Wow - all these terms....Some of these I have never heard of. I wonder what people did before all of this research was published on the web or in books? They probably just buckled down and paid attention to their children and did was needed to be done for the health of the family.
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RE: Detachment Parenting Support Thread! - 10/4/2008 10:10:11 PM
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Sideways
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Or they did whatever their moms, grandmas and aunties told them to do. Which can be good, or it can be complete hogwash. Old wives tales can be extremely dangerous, relatively benign or a great sources of wisdom.
My mom was told she had to feed me solids at 3 months "because I was such a large baby". It was her mom and other senior ladies pressuring her. Thank goodness she told them all to stuff it when my younger brother came along.
I like having books and forums to hash this kind of stuff out. Otherwise we'd all be at the mercy of the women immediately around us.
_____________________________
This warranty does not include shark bites, bear attacks and children under five.
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RE: Detachment Parenting Support Thread! - 10/4/2008 10:30:07 PM
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Mrs.X
Posts: 2955
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Newberg, OR
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
Not that I believe in being detached from my children, it's just what the other term seems to imply is the alternative.
I do want to clarify what detatchment parenting is according to me and maybe some of you agree. Detatchment parenting involves a parent finding any way possible to not meet the needs of their child themselves. Detachment parenters use burp rags and the like to prop their baby's bottles up, so they don't have to hold the baby. Not on occasion, the majority of the time. Maggie said something one time which really struck me as sad but it wasn't about the AP/DP debate or anything. She said something like "and the baby just gets moved from one plastic thing to another plastic thing so the parents don't have to deal with him/her." We probably all have owned a bouncy seat, swing, exersaucer or walker and used them a couple few times a day to help stimulate our babies and also so we could get some things done around the house when the baby might get fussy just being on the floor. A detatchment parenter transfers their baby constantly so they don't have to try to comfort the baby themselves. Our kids have probably all watched a little Sesame Street or Baby Einstein or the like, from very rarely to a couple few times a day. The detatchment parenter uses these shows to keep their babies occupied so they don't have to deal with them, not just a couple few times a day, all day. There really are parents out there like this. I've met some, and it's not as uncommon as you think.
So, I don't feel that those of us who are in the middle are "detatchment" parenters. Everyone I've met on here wants what's best for their kids.
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-Stina
From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. -Proverbs 15:1
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The universe does not revolve around my children's whims. 
Every baby is different and every parent is different, and nothing is perfect. 
