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RE: Red Flags in a new relationship - 9/27/2008 5:11:34 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 1762
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: online
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Reading your original post, I first assumed you both to be very young - but you have four kids between you. Given that, the money stuff might not be a big deal - is he generally very frugal? That can be a great thing! Or he could be just a homebody and that's not a bad thing necessarily, at least if he's willing to go out some if that's what you enjoy.
But you said he doesn't clean up after himself. Give me a break. He's a father of three - don't be picking up after him. That would either have to change or be a deal breaker for me. If you have to be the "activities director" in the relationship, that's not really a big deal; but don't be his mother.
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RE: Red Flags in a new relationship - 10/6/2008 4:39:02 PM
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Elena1030
Posts: 479
Joined: 6/21/2006
From: Music City, USA
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kellgaste
As far as the messiness goes, well, let me put it in this perspective, what is truely important? What is only an annoyance? If he leaves his shoes in the livingroom by the door and that drives you crazy, but likes to spend time with you, what really matters?
...
As a man I like the bluntness not the subtly. I prefer to be informed that leaving the dishes in the sink drives the woman I am seeing crazy, because my intent is not to anger her but to show love, and if she is feeling unloved, well there is an issue then.
Great points!!
I wonder if sometimes we women are bothered that some men aren't self-motivated about doing some tasks. So which is that really bothers us:
* he doesn't care about getting the task done and won't do it
or
* he doesn't care about getting the task done for its own sake but for the sake of sacrificially loving me, he'll do the task anyway
???
If the motivation is what's important, then isn't the latter the reality we'd like to see? If he isn't willing to include that particular task in his sacrificially loving us, then why not sacrificially SERVE him and just go ahead and do that task?
Of course, I'm thinking of two married people, not two friends or two dating partners. Still... one can begin to love and serve sacrificially even in the early stages of dating... or even just same-sex friends.
For example, though my best friend and I have known each other and been friends for over 15 years, we have begun to serve each other even more and better in the last 5 years. No longer does she do all the work when I visit her in her home. She is fine with my getting my own beverage, silverware, and such when we are eating... and I bring her stuff. We take turns doing this. And we do that naturally. Part of it is that I don't feel that I am invading her space by getting stuff myself. And she knows that I am trying to keep her from having to do all the work. But I don't prevent her from serving me, if that's what she wants to do to show agape as my sister in Christ.
So... to the original poster, I recommend: Ask yourself what the root issue is with your friend. What is REALLY bothering you? Likely it's not as much the surface issue of "who pays?" or "who cleans up?"
I also agree with the other posters who caution you about a rebound relationship.
_____________________________
"We're not odd, we're just over-expressive."—Helen in Howard's End
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