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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/18/2008 8:56:26 AM
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leah777
Posts: 3189
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Show-Me State
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{PENGIE}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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Leah
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/18/2008 11:19:48 AM
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rayofson
Posts: 9224
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Pengie
Ray, I'm so sorry to hear this. How are you now?
OK.
My wife and I have a good marriage. There have been some difficult and rocky times but things are much better now. We have been married 29 years. We have two adult daughters, and while raising them I was able to break the legacy of abuse and not pass it down to the next generation.
We were married for about 15 years before my wife found out what it had been like for me and my siblings. My brother had sent me a letter, and my wife opened it without realizing what would be inside. Though I never would have told her about it, the fact that she found out turned out well. She had often suspected something...about myself and about my abuser too. It has always been difficult for me to talk about.
I now have a good relationship with my former abuser. This person accepted Jesus and became a Christian many years ago.
_____________________________
Please don't feed the Ogre.
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/18/2008 12:51:01 PM
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leah777
Posts: 3189
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Show-Me State
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{{{{{{{{{{Pengie}}}}}}}}}}}
You know, we can't go back and try to second guess our decisions. You thought you were doing right . . the fact that you heard God's voice reaching out to you tells you that you were still in His graces, that He was blessing you and protecting you. He meets us where we are, Pengie.
I believe the fact that you are still alive is proof that He's been strong in your life, watching over you and your household, giving your daughter the blessing of a Godly mother raising her, guiding her, protecting her. God will keep her in His arms, Pengie. Continue to pray and believe for a Christian husband for your daughter.
Wayne, I'm glad you came thru your abuse, and that your wife was a good support for you when she found out.
God is good.
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Leah
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/18/2008 3:00:18 PM
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Pengie
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Thank you, Leah. Your gracious words mean a lot. I do pray for my daughter and my husband even still. I believe God never gives up on us.
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Pengie
Pengie's Puddle
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/19/2008 1:17:51 AM
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Pengie
Posts: 1229
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Slowly over time, my husband began to change. He started to go to church with me. I continued to pray "Lord, please take out his heart of stone and put in Your heart of flesh and give him Your Spirit". I prayed that over and over,
Then one Sunday in July, we were sitting in the common area in the church , waiting for our daughter to finish her class. My husband began to get angry and I began to be afraid. I thought that he might decide to leave us stranded there like he has done so in the past at the mall and other places. So, seeing the car keys laying on the table, I grabbed them and jumped up and started running toward the hall. I ran down the deserted corridor with my husband right on my heels. I turned the corner and ran right into the middle of a group of policemen! Why they were there only God knows, but I just could barely breathe out the words "HELP ME!" Immediantly one group surronded me for protection, while a 2nd group took on my husband and subdued him,
It was my turning point. The answer I had prayed for.
The officer's convinced me to let my husband have the keys. (They couldn't hold him yet) They told me they would see me and my daughter safely home, but we would go by way of downtown where I would get an Emegency Protection Order, so that my husband had to leave the house.
So. that's what we did.
From there, I found a great Attorney that attended the church. He filed for a Domestic Violence Order. It stated that my husband had to stay away for at least 3 years, see a pscyh Dr, attend counselling and not terminate my health ins.
My husband complied with it all.
He was a broken man.
The Dr diagnosed him as bipolar with anger issues and sent him thru counselling and also to a church program. The psych Dr is a Christian. too
After a few months I was brought into the counseling sessions as well.
My husband seemed to be making wonderful progress!
Eventually, it was suggested by the by the psych dr that we try living in the same house again, but on different floors. Him downstairs, me and my daughter upstairs. So, my husband moved back home.
Then I began to develop trouble. Nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks and anxiety attacks. Just plain downright fear! So, my husband and the counsellor both suggested I see the psych DR, too. I did, and was diagnosed with severe Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder. It was diblatating.
I couldn't feel anything.
I couldn't feel the Joy of the Lord.
I looked ar my child and couldn't feel love . . .I knew in my head that I loved her, but my heart just didn't work!
I was empty.
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Pengie
Pengie's Puddle
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/19/2008 10:26:02 AM
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leah777
Posts: 3189
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Show-Me State
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Oh {{{{{{{{{Pengie}}}}}}}}}}}} . . . I just can't even imagine 
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Leah
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/19/2008 11:20:48 AM
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rayofson
Posts: 9224
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quote:
I turned the corner and ran right into the middle of a group of policemen!
Only God can do that. 
_____________________________
Please don't feed the Ogre.
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/19/2008 11:44:25 AM
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Pengie
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So true!
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Pengie
Pengie's Puddle
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/19/2008 4:22:46 PM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10977
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From: Lone Star State
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(((Pengie)))
In your posts I can see so much of the rage I had before Christ broke me and started His rebuild of me. I never physically hurt anyone, but the emotional scars are there.
I wish I had words of comfort and healing for you. Only Jesus has that. And my comfort in your story is that you know that too.
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We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/20/2008 12:49:19 AM
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Pengie
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I'm confused, Ben, Where do you see the rage? In my husband or in me?
You're right, of course, Jesus is my Comfort. My Healer. My Sustainer.
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Pengie
Pengie's Puddle
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/20/2008 1:34:35 AM
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Pengie
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I guess this brings me to the end of my story.
My daughter will soon be 17. We still live upstairs and my husband still lives downstairs. My husband and I live as strangers in the same house.
I am on an array of meds to control my ptsd, but still, the nightmares come. I don't sleep at night ( as you can tell by these posts, lol) and only behind a locked door. The panic attacks still come, too. I see it all so vividly. It follows me day and night. I constantly hear all thae disgusting names he used to call me and try so hard not to believe them!
Then there was the year early on that I spent in anger. All I could feel was anger   towards my husband for all he had done.
We still were going to conseling thru this period and my husband took my anger well. He said he had it coming. The counselor said I had to work thru my anger before I could heal.
I prayed for healing, I prayed to forgive my husband, tho I didn't want to. But as Maggie pointed out, I had read Stormie Omartian's Story and knew I needed to somehow forgive. So I prayed, even tho I didn't want to.
Over time, the anger subsided and bit by bit I have started to forgive. Not completely, mind you, but it's a big start!
My daughter and I are very close. I am happy to say I can feel love again for her. Unfortunately, she has not forgiven her father and tells me she hates him. For this, I ask her to pray. Not for him, but for her.
I still don't have many other feelings back however.
My husband had settled into a regular routine for the past few years and all was ok. That began to change about the begining of this year. He has steadily grown angrier and hasn't even showered! Finally, last week he burst into my bedroom while I was changing  to yell at me and screem "I Hate you , You ****!"
Because my health is now a major issue. My cancer is back, I have seizures now, I am as weak as a kitten and can barely move around my house now. I can no longer try starting over again. After discussing these new events with friends and many prayers, I decided to call our psych Dr. He wants to see my husband ASAP. My husband agreed to go! His apt is Thrusday, so hope is in sight!
I have God and God alone to thank for sustaining me thru all these years. It has been a 30 year battle with the cancer, and it is catching up with me I think. My marriage has also been a battle which the Lord has carried me thru.
Now I must focus on my daughter and pray for her healing and walk with Christ. My husband also needs Christ in his life, but I must admit, I am finding it harder to pray for him than I used to.
I don't know why?
So, that's my story. It's been harder to write than I thought, but God has been by my side the whole way thru. Hope it helps someone out there. 
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Pengie
Pengie's Puddle
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/20/2008 2:36:37 AM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2676
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
Status: online
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quote:
My daughter will soon be 17. We still live upstairs and my husband still lives downstairs. My husband and I live as strangers in the same house.
Isn't there any way you could live elsewhere?
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Now thank we all our God, with hearts and hands and voices, what wondrous things He's done, in whom the world rejoices.
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/20/2008 3:07:47 AM
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Pengie
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Not anymore. My husband's company is huge and therefore privately insured. They have set it up that any seperated spouses will NOT be covered under their policy anymore. This is a recent change since we filed the DVO those years ago.
When I applied for assistance when my child was 4, I was denied. I am too ill to fight now. Must rely on my DRs for help. Hopefully the psych DR can reach my husband and get him the help he needs. He did improve once, I believe he can do it again. At least he is willing to try.
That is an answer to prayer.
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Pengie
Pengie's Puddle
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/20/2008 6:51:00 AM
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Pengie
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One last note:
My sweet Maltese puppy, Little Bit, passed away on June 4th of this year at the age of 13. She was the little dog who would crawl into my lap and lick away my tears as I prayed. No one can know what kind of bond I felt for that dog. God gives us friends in all forms, and he gave me a very special friend in Little bit. I will always miss her, but thank God for giving her to me for the time we shared.
I had her cremated and placed in an urn with her picture. I now have a directive in my will that her urn be placed in my casket when my time comes. I want my special friend to be buried with me.
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Pengie
Pengie's Puddle
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/20/2008 11:39:04 AM
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rayofson
Posts: 9224
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: online
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quote:
I prayed to forgive my husband, tho I didn't want to.
One thing that I've heard about is praying for God to change one's heart and the things that they want. In other words, praying to change your 'wanter'. God can change the fact that you don't want to pray for your husband, and that is something to pray about.
_____________________________
Please don't feed the Ogre.
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/20/2008 8:31:52 PM
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magdaleine
Posts: 5159
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I've been at a seminar all day and several times it was repeated to us:
Forgiveness is NOT Reconciliation.
Forgiveness is something the wounded person does. The abuser owes her a debt that he can't repay. She cancels the debt.
Reconciliation is what the abuser must initiate. He must own what he did and the wrongness of what he did. Only when he does that is reconciliation possible. Not until.
Forgiveness is about the debt, the sin.
Reconciliation is about relationship.
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Maggie
Ask me about my book. It's now available online!
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/20/2008 10:49:14 PM
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Pengie
Posts: 1229
Joined: 3/12/2007
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My husband had owned what he did as wrong. He has not however taken many steps toward reconcillation. He seems to think that is my job.
Thank you for your post Maggie. It will help me stand my ground. I want to see results from this visit to the psych DR this week from him!
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Pengie
Pengie's Puddle
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/20/2008 10:51:57 PM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10977
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Pengie
I'm confused, Ben, Where do you see the rage? In my husband or in me?
His rage toward you and your daughter is what was there in me toward Lynn and the kids.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/20/2008 11:00:47 PM
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Pengie
Posts: 1229
Joined: 3/12/2007
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I see, thanks for clearing that up for me.
I bear no ill will towards my husband. Nor have I been angry while writing my story, but rather God has been with me, giving me a peace about it and a clear mind as well. I have left out many details that would fill pages, but the general idea is now out there.
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Pengie
Pengie's Puddle
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/20/2008 11:08:54 PM
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Pengie
Posts: 1229
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Thanks for the ear and the hugs, Ron & Beth.
If I didn;t need my DRs so much right now and my health wasn't failing so, I just might take you up on "Gary". However, I am beyond to physical ability to start over now. Now I need my husband to work with his FR to be a calmer, better man.
I trust God will help me. He always has before. He knows my limitations even better than I do.
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Pengie
Pengie's Puddle
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/20/2008 11:49:48 PM
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magdaleine
Posts: 5159
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quote:
My husband had owned what he did as wrong. He has not however taken many steps toward reconcillation. He seems to think that is my job.
Many abusers will admit they did something they shouldn't have done and agree it was wrong but it's all in their head and that ownership hasn't travelled to their heart. In my mind then, they haven't really owned it. They've just given mental assent to fulfill what they think is expected of them.
quote:
Thank you for your post Maggie. It will help me stand my ground. I want to see results from this visit to the psych DR this week from him!
You're welcome. Hold your ground. And I will pray that the doctors (his and yours) will be able to find ways to help you and protect you until your husband is at a place where he can be who he should be to you. {{{{{{Pengie}}}}}} I know God is with you.
_____________________________
Maggie
Ask me about my book. It's now available online!
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RE: Pengie's Puddle - 9/22/2008 11:19:29 AM
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rayofson
Posts: 9224
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: online
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quote:
Many abusers will admit they did something they shouldn't have done and agree it was wrong but it's all in their head and that ownership hasn't travelled to their heart. In my mind then, they haven't really owned it. They've just given mental assent to fulfill what they think is expected of them.
We just don't talk about it.
_____________________________
Please don't feed the Ogre.
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tho I can see how it looks that way, but rather the way some have seen it: how God has sustained me thru it all. Also should God use my story to cause some other young woman to make a better choice than so be it! 
(aka Hatfield) 