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hunzac -> help need advice (8/6/2008 9:41:28 PM)
the wife and i been married 10 yrs now july 26th was our tenth year. she moved out a few weeks ago. she said that she needs to find happiness in her self, and to see if she can make it on her own . we have 2 boys ages 7 & 9 they stay with her half the time and me the other. says that she still loves me but not in love with me. we still hang out every day is like she wants to try and start over . but when things are looking good. then she puts up a wall , then back i go and then try again. the other day boys were at her dads so we went on a date went good until she started texting her friend kelly making plans 4 a bbq, that her and the boys went to. kelly i don't really know him.and she likes it that way.she talks to him alot. she says that they are just friends.not sure what to do love my wife. me and my boys pray alot that she will come home.my oldest told me the other day that he forget what it was like to be a family because of the whole going back and forth.my youngest does not like living in tghe apartment.

MC4JC -> RE: help need advice (8/6/2008 9:44:41 PM)
You, her and the kids really need some counseling and soon. Why would someone who is married, move out so they can see if they can be ok on their own? Sounds like she wants to throw in the towel and is not really concerned about the kids or you. Just herself. I pray you all can work things out, but counseling is very much needed to resolve the problems.

slushie -> RE: help need advice (8/6/2008 9:48:41 PM)
I hope you guys can work something out. To see if she can make it on her own? Find happiness in herself? Is she a Christian? What does she mean by she still loves you but not in love? Is that a good thing to love someone but not be "in love" (by that I always felt that... with the butterflies and all that)?

csl7037 -> RE: help need advice (8/6/2008 11:15:31 PM)
Wow, hunzac, praying for you tonight. She sounds so confused, selfish, and I don't know what else. That's just incomprehensible to me. My kids are 7 & 9, dh and I just had our 12th anniversary - unless you are just some kind of monster, what she's doing to her children is just inexcusable . . . even if you were! I'm so sorry.

Sadey -> RE: help need advice (8/7/2008 12:15:37 PM)
Did anyone else catch that friend Kelly was a man? You need to protect yourself and your boys from her. Whatever she is going through its sounds like she is setting herself up for a relationship with Kelly. Please contact a lawyer and get your rights to your boys protected. I'm not saying divorce her but protect your boys.

jaimestarcross -> RE: help need advice (8/7/2008 1:36:36 PM)
You and the boys could use some counseling - encourage your wife to attend counseling also - separately if necessary. Her looking for greener pastures is a bad sign and so is the male "friend" Kelly- your wife wants to keep you in the dark about Kelly... unfortunately that speaks volumes - and the news isn't good! She's transferring her affections/loyalties to someone else - that's why the wall goes up when things are going good between you and her. It's time to have a heart to heart with your wife and find out what she wants to do about the marriage save it or let go.... post sitting is causing too much harm and the children need to be protected and all efforts should be made to give them a stable home life/family.

stamper_ben -> RE: help need advice (8/7/2008 2:32:28 PM)
It breaks my heart when I hear that phrase "I love you but am not in love with you." That is how my wife feels about me... I've asked her to explain it many times over the years (we're coming up on thirty one years shortly). She tells me if I don't just "get it" then I never will understand. In the latest go-round with the marriage counselor I think he may have got through to me what she's talking about, it has to do with a heart pounding, can't live without him/her feeling of infatuation as opposed to the love one has for a parent or child. That said, she had found her "Kelly" recently, felt he was her "true love". But even in that bliss of being "in love" all was not perfect in paradise. So in the meantime I try to stick solid and true in the background, knowing my love for her is true and unstoppable. When she finally called and needed help I was there and didn't hesitate to take her back again. Love can be fickle, if you let it. It takes work to achieve the type of love that we're told of in Scripture, a love that would have you die for the other. So my friend, die to self for the time being. Give her the freedom to find out if she can make it on her own. Be the rock, first for yourself, then for your kids, and finally for her to see. Be as the father in the parable of the prodigal son. She may have to eat the swine that the pigs do before she realizes what she had with you. Run down the road to greet her when that happens. Of course there will be work to do when you are together again. The healing won't happen overnight and you will both need to spend some time in counseling. Above all keep your eyes on Jesus. You need Him most of all. PM me if you want to talk more.

Yeshuashme -> RE: help need advice (8/8/2008 1:40:10 PM)
Hello Brother... Well where do I begin ???? What should I say But he Truth.... I read all the other post. and I can only find myself agreeing to one.... This other guy... as far as counciling goes... I don't agree with Couseling.... everytime i read this kind of stuff people always suggest Christian Counciling... as if they are the solution to the problems.... No... They aren't and they only add to them if you ask me..... but that is true for all counselors... Secular, Christian, & New age.... I know this sound rough... But it's true.... Mainly because you are asking a complete stranger to deal with your problems.... They don't sleep with you eat with you and or spend any otehr personal or family time with you out side of the office. then send you on your way.... If you want real answeres to question, and real solutions to problems... There is Only One person who can help you. and That of course Is The Holy Spirit. He dwells In you, He has been given to you By God To help You and To lead you into all thruths... That is not limited to only the Bible and sriptures... But for Life. All Circumstances... Who has More Expieriences, Understanding, Wisdom, Love & Compasion... Than God and His Holy Spirit ???? The Only one who can help you is Him.... That is where you will find you next best course..... Look. God has already Declared you to be The head of your house, and a King and Priest over your Home.... It's Your Resposibilty To Govern Your Home In a Godly manner.... It's you who are suppose to seek God For Guideance & Directions..... Your children look up to you to have the answers. and when you don't have the answers... You should be looking to God for Them.... Who's going to give you the right answers ever single time.... You don't want some stranger in your life guessing at what is best for your situation because it worked for someone else or to be thier guinney pig.... at trying some new medication, or stuff like that.... You don't have time for foolishness like that... It's your home and your loosing it. to some guy ( Kelly ) who is comming in between your home, life, family, and marriage.... I really feel sorry for you brother.... Because I know what it feels like To have someone special being lead away from you and not really being able to do anything about it.... I mean she's an adult... Is she want's to leave you have to let her go... You can't make her stay with you if she doesn't want to..... and with some other guy filling her head with junk... that doesn't help either.... If there is anyone my brother who can help you and your family let alone your kids.... It's God. It's His Holy Spirit, Directing you in the right course..... Then if he wants to share His Glory and direct you to a person. Than that is up to Him.... But just don't go and talk to some stranger who say's they are a Christian Counsler or someone has said they are or what ever.... Those are your children and your family they are looking up to you to lead them and to make the right decision for them and their home.... Don't abandon them to someone else..... Stand strong, But Humble yourself Under God, His Word and His Holy spirit... Listen to Wisdom, Trust God and Obey His Prompting and Guidance..... I'll be praying for you Brother, You, your home, your family, and your Guidence.... God BLess all of you... Sorry for my bad spelling.... Oh one more thing... I know alot of people who read this are going to get upset..... Just know That I wrote everything that I have felt lead to write.... Jesus.

Keabird -> RE: help need advice (8/8/2008 11:42:37 PM)
We haven't heard from the wife so I don't want to assume where she might be at right now ... I do encourage you to continue in prayer, to make God your first focus. The more Godly you are, the more attractive you will be spiritually to your wife, but don't' seek God in order to get your wife back, seek God in order to have YOUR life in order before Him. If she comes back as a result, well great, but ultimately it will benefit you personally and she will make her own decision. Something that I noticed in your post was the comment about your boy saying he didn't like living in the apartment. The way I read that is the wife is living in an apartment, not you? Be very careful there. Sometimes kids in broken homes situations attempt to make one parent feel better by telling them they don't like something else about the other one, or the other family circumstances. In my opinion that may be more an indication of your son feeling torn loyalty, rather than not liking an apartment. I want to DIScourage you from discussing the situation with your boys, except to keep reassuring them that you love them, that the current situation is not their fault, and that you are intent on keeping up a great relationship with them. Part of that means always building up their mom to them when she is mentioned, not questioning them about her, and treating her with the utmost courtesy when she is present with the kids. Even if you disapprove of something she is doing, don't talk about it with the kids. If they bring up a concern suggest they pray about it, and tell them you will pray about it too. As to the nittygritty of where things are at, I agree with the others that counselling may be a step in the right direction ... if she doesn't want to go at this point, then go by yourself ... and above all, trust in the Lord! [:)]

deermousie -> RE: help need advice (8/9/2008 11:14:53 AM)
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Hunzac. I'm guessing that when you two took your wedding vows, you and she both promised before God, "for better or worse, forsaking all others." She made those vows to God as well as you, and has violated both of them. It sounds like she is making excuses to herself about why this is alright. She is a vow breaker. She is in serious sin, and you didn't make her do this. When people slide into adultery, there are things that commonly happen: they break their vows, little sins lead to big sins, the adulterer starts making excuses that their mate isn't meeting their needs and they have to look elsewhere, it's all the mate's fault, life becomes all about being happy, and broken people litter their passing including children with torn up lives. It's lies. LIES. This is where counselors come in: they know this gig. They'be been trained to spot it, and trained how to deal with it. They know how to lead a person from their selfishness to seeing how they are actually destroying their lives and the lives of their families, if the person isn't adamant about protecting their sin and staying in it. The problem with secular counselors is they don't know about sin. They know the physical and emotional world but not the spiritual one. And sin is a spiritual battle. There's a good book for people who are in the place you are, called "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. If your library doesn't have it, do an interlibrary loan and get it. Go talk to your pastor, too: unfortunately, if he's been a pastor for any time, he's seen this many times before. God has called him to help you. So go get help; don't tough this out alone because in your hurt it's harder to see the lies being thrown at you. May God convict your wife of her sin and bring her back to Him and you. You can use this time to find out how to be a better husband, too; none of us reaches perfection on earth and we can always learn a little more. God bless you, brother, and heal your family. I am praying for you today.

iwillfearnoevil -> RE: help need advice (8/11/2008 2:31:54 PM)
when spouses move out to 'find themselves' and 'get space', they are just making it easier to begin or continue an affair. it's easier as less lying involved and better on their conscience. it is possible for you two to regain romantic love however not while kelly is in the picture. do her parents know about the other man? does she go to church? i think exposure is your next step. affairs thrive in darkness, kelly is not just a friend. they may have not yet had a physical affair, but an emotional one has no doubt started and that's where it's headed...

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