Does anyone else have this problem? (Full Version)

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monicaleap -> Does anyone else have this problem? (8/5/2008 1:05:55 AM)

I feel like the most selfish mom on the planet. I've come to realize that after 25 years of marriage and 3 great kids that I think I've only loved them because of what they were giving me. In other words I walked into this family life very needy. Have been a Christian for many years but have not been able to shake it. Husband is loving but not affectionate. When kids came along, I finally got that love. I thought I was feeling the perfect maternal instinct. But now that my oldest is 16 and wants to be away more and needs me less and wants my advise less, etc. Instead of being a secure grounded mom saying "it's just her being a teen" I find myself wallowing in self pity wishing I had the little girl back (but I think for the wrong reasons). I don't want the little girl back because of how sweet she was then, etc. I want her back because of how much love, adoration, etc she gave me. And now that I'm not getting that, I really hurt. How selfish is that!!?? Is there something wrong with me?



funny_girl -> RE: Does anyone else have this problem? (8/5/2008 1:31:42 AM)

monica, This is what the empty nest is all about. It's that transition stage when we feel 'lost' for a little while until our lives become full of something else. I tried to start some threads in the women's only forum but didn't have a lot of success with it there. Just for fun, how about taking a couple of free online tests?

http://www.oneishy.com/personality/personality_test.php

http://www.kodachrome.org/spiritgift/

You just need to discover a little more about you now and you have a new adventure to go on. You're not alone. I feel the same way in many ways but I love my husband the way he is. He's reliable and God can meet my needs through other things. 3 1/2 weeks ago I was given a 3 month old baby to take care of and I'm loving it! I get to smother him instead of my kids[:D] I'm fortunate to be real good friends with my sons but also respect their manlihood and try not to really smother them but love them and let them know I've got hugs and kisses when they want them. We have a joke, "Hug your mother!"

What you're going through is normal, don't worry!



dedebeam -> RE: Does anyone else have this problem? (8/29/2008 1:15:47 PM)

I think I understand how you are feeling. My youngest has just left for college and here I am thinking "now what". My husband and I have a great marriage and I am very grateful for that. It still real hard though I miss the kids needing me and the love they showed me when they were young. I guess funnygirl is right though, it is all normal. It's nice to know we have others to talk to that can support us through this phase of life. Hang in there.



sen10tious -> RE: Does anyone else have this problem? (8/30/2008 9:23:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: monicaleap

I want her back because of how much love, adoration, etc she gave me. And now that I'm not getting that, I really hurt. How selfish is that!!?? Is there something wrong with me?


Wrong with you? …well, I think your husband is a bit immature since it seems he has never learned to recognize your need in the past 25 years.

But yes, I think there might be something a little bit wrong with you. Have you ever learned to love yourself properly? I know it is twice as difficult when the husband isn't affectionate because you don't get very much reinforcement. I think what is wrong is that you lack the confidence that you are lovable.

And now you are in a place where the devil is whispering in your ear that you are being selfish for wanting to feel loved. That is a lie! You need to love yourself a little more realistically. You need to be able to enjoy the fact that all the love you have sown in your children is beginning to bear fruit as they become loving adults. And you need to find other sources of affirmation that you are a genial and lovable person. [Sometimes volunteerism does that; is there some good cause the Lord has put on your heart?]



MrsTracy72 -> RE: Does anyone else have this problem? (9/1/2008 1:57:43 PM)

I just have to say that I am so dreading this. Someone just posted somewhere not too long ago that they are now empty nesters and not so sure about how they feel.

My kids are young, but the time is just flying by so fast that I want to slow it down. I don't feel like I am getting the whole mom experience and am so bothered by that. But I am told that this is the "mom experience" so while it is so great, it is sad. I guess bittersweet is the word.

But you are not being selfish. You are being normal.



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