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RE: marriage or single - 7/25/2008 4:02:40 PM
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rtvasquez
Posts: 14
Joined: 7/23/2008
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I am not talking to my friend...at least not for the past three weeks......we are still friends....somewhat....but he believes that I have to decide my future without any influence from him.....whether it is with him or with my husband....it has to be my decision...one that he would respect.
he had to face his divorce (2 years ago) alone and it made him stronger..and he feels that I have to do the same....if that's my choice....by myself so that I can be a stronger person....I can't lean on him for answers......If we were meant for more.....it would come later...if that is what is supposed to be.....he is religious also.
So at this moment....I am on my own.....except that the only thing I have is my husband trying to whisper sweet nothings in my ear....I won't need this, I won't need that, I will never have to work, etc...... this makes it hard......
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RE: marriage or single - 7/25/2008 4:13:25 PM
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benelchi
Posts: 2954
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
Status: online
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quote:
So at this moment....I am on my own.....except that the only thing I have is my husband trying to whisper sweet nothings in my ear....I won't need this, I won't need that, I will never have to work, etc...... this makes it hard......
Make sure you don't buy into this! I am praying that you and your husbands marriage will be restored, but it is really going to take a lot of hard work, your husband is going to need to understand the depth of the problem he caused, and you are going to need to learn how to place appropriate boundaries so that no further abuse can occur. Don't allow the problems that got you to the place you are today to be ignored.
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RE: marriage or single - 7/25/2008 4:17:28 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1615
Joined: 5/27/2006
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quote:
A year ago I left him and moved over 300 miles away with the children after a horrible fight that ended with a broken bone.
Well it's awfully hard to work with broken bones, so I guess the not having to work part is a good thing?
I'm being sarcastic, and I know I risk sounding unkind. But I am just trying to shock you with the truth.
This man is fully capable of doing you serious bodily harm. He has proven that. He is capable then of doing serious bodily harm to your teens. And we know he has no hesitation to verbally abuse you and your kids repeatedly and over the course of years.
Please do not go back to him. Please stay safe.
Sometimes with long-term intensive therapy a violent and abusive man can learn to be a man of peace and good will, but not on his own and not in a few months time. And he's only drinking "less" whatever that means. And you only have his word that he's off of drugs.
Please stay safe.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: marriage or single - 7/25/2008 5:39:42 PM
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preserved
Posts: 752
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CheshireMuse
First of all, let me express how sorry I am that you find yourself in this situation. I will pray for things to become clear to you - that God will comfort and heal you and your family.
There are two things in your post that worry me greatly - 1) Your husband did not have this "change of heart" until AFTER he found out that another man was interested in you.... 2) The abuse you've endured has been ongoing for years and has resulted in a broken bone!
Some here will disagree with me strongly, and perhaps I approach this from a survivor-standpoint, however, I would not allow a man who had abused me for 17 years and even broken a bone to come within 2 miles of me ever again.
Harsh? I guess it is.... but, no more harsh than those naively telling you to go back to this man. I'm a Christian, and I believe that God can perform miracles, no doubt - but, He also gave us common sense. If I've been mauled by a lion, there's no way I'm going to be lured back into the cage - even if the lion swears on a stack of Bibles he's become a vegetarian! I believe we should trust God, but, to blithely walk back into a situation where you have been so severely abused on nothing but the word of the abuser is nuts.
Whether you reconcile with this man or decide to end the marriage is ultimately between you and God. I will pray that God clears away the confusion for you and makes the right decision clear.
cheshiremuse....I hear what you are saying...but the OP did not divorce her husband and met another man...So now her husband is asking for a second chance...How do you know whether it is not of God? The OP and her husband both needs to seek counsel if they both desire to work this marriage thru. I am not indicating that the op should stay in the abusive relationship...People do change...it does happen....
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RE: marriage or single - 7/25/2008 5:41:41 PM
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preserved
Posts: 752
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rtvasquez
I am not talking to my friend...at least not for the past three weeks......we are still friends....somewhat....but he believes that I have to decide my future without any influence from him.....whether it is with him or with my husband....it has to be my decision...one that he would respect.
he had to face his divorce (2 years ago) alone and it made him stronger..and he feels that I have to do the same....if that's my choice....by myself so that I can be a stronger person....I can't lean on him for answers......If we were meant for more.....it would come later...if that is what is supposed to be.....he is religious also.
So at this moment....I am on my own.....except that the only thing I have is my husband trying to whisper sweet nothings in my ear....I won't need this, I won't need that, I will never have to work, etc...... this makes it hard......
Is your husband willing to seek marriage counseling?
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RE: marriage or single - 7/25/2008 5:55:20 PM
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preserved
Posts: 752
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Aenjal
It says in the Bible that it is a terrible thing for a woman to forsake the companion of her youth. If you decide to talk to your friend again, I think it would be a good idea to let your husband know simply to build trust. Of course he may have a terrible reaction, but you can just state/describe the reason you are going over there, to put his speculative suspicions to rest. It is good to forgive, but it is also good to look to God for help as beachcooky has explained.
Aenjal...I hear what you are saying...However, the man and the OP is more than friend...She fell in love....So she is not free to come and go with this friend so as long as she is married...The more she goes back to doing things with this friend the complicated things will become...
rtvasquez...If you honestly have no feelings for your husband...then you need to ask God for guidance. The divorce needs to take place...However, this is not of God Will...but He will forgive you...and you ultimately will have to deal with what God. While you and your husband are having problem...you turned to another man for comfort
Stay strong :)
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RE: marriage or single - 7/25/2008 5:58:26 PM
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CheshireMuse
Posts: 90
Joined: 8/23/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: preserved
quote:
ORIGINAL: CheshireMuse
First of all, let me express how sorry I am that you find yourself in this situation. I will pray for things to become clear to you - that God will comfort and heal you and your family.
There are two things in your post that worry me greatly - 1) Your husband did not have this "change of heart" until AFTER he found out that another man was interested in you.... 2) The abuse you've endured has been ongoing for years and has resulted in a broken bone!
Some here will disagree with me strongly, and perhaps I approach this from a survivor-standpoint, however, I would not allow a man who had abused me for 17 years and even broken a bone to come within 2 miles of me ever again.
Harsh? I guess it is.... but, no more harsh than those naively telling you to go back to this man. I'm a Christian, and I believe that God can perform miracles, no doubt - but, He also gave us common sense. If I've been mauled by a lion, there's no way I'm going to be lured back into the cage - even if the lion swears on a stack of Bibles he's become a vegetarian! I believe we should trust God, but, to blithely walk back into a situation where you have been so severely abused on nothing but the word of the abuser is nuts.
Whether you reconcile with this man or decide to end the marriage is ultimately between you and God. I will pray that God clears away the confusion for you and makes the right decision clear.
cheshiremuse....I hear what you are saying...but the OP did not divorce her husband and met another man...So now her husband is asking for a second chance...How do you know whether it is not of God? The OP and her husband both needs to seek counsel if they both desire to work this marriage thru. I am not indicating that the op should stay in the abusive relationship...People do change...it does happen....
I don't know for sure, but from what the OP has said that her husband has said, he's playing that manipulative abuser's game.
He's broken her eyebone, and even told her that he should have broken BOTH of them. Her children (which are also HIS children) were so upset when they learned that the two MIGHT reconcile, they burst into tears.
Also, her husband has NOT stopped drinking, is pressuring her to immediately move back in, is pressuring her for intimacy, telling her that they should just "forget about the past and start over".... and seems inordinately interested in an inheritance she's due soon....
This, to me, does NOT sound like a man who is responding to God's prompting to repent. This sounds like a man who is using this woman for his own ends - physically, emotionally and financially.
Yes, people do change. But not often.
_____________________________
Peace,
Muse
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RE: marriage or single - 7/25/2008 6:02:50 PM
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CheshireMuse
Posts: 90
Joined: 8/23/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Aenjal
It says in the Bible that it is a terrible thing for a woman to forsake the companion of her youth. If you decide to talk to your friend again, I think it would be a good idea to let your husband know simply to build trust. Of course he may have a terrible reaction, but you can just state/describe the reason you are going over there, to put his speculative suspicions to rest. It is good to forgive, but it is also good to look to God for help as beachcooky has explained.
Stay strong :)
Is it not a "terrible thing" for the companion of her youth to have severely abused her for the last 17 years?
Also, I seriously disagree that the OP owes her husband any sort of explanation regarding her "friend" when it is her husband who caused her to leave in the first place.
Seems to me that the husband needs to be doing the trust-building, not the OP.
_____________________________
Peace,
Muse
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RE: marriage or single - 7/26/2008 9:55:57 PM
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rtvasquez
Posts: 14
Joined: 7/23/2008
Status: offline
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My husband woke me up at 6:30 this morning to discuss lies.....he had told me, last week, that my daughter who is 16 had been talking and saying mean things about me....when I wanted to take to her about these lies she was saying.....he told me that he handled it and that not to discuss it with her and start an argument...to trust that he took care of it ......I DID........big mistake.
I found out that she had did something wrong and was getting after her for it and she asked why I was so mad at her...I told her that she needed to stop her lying and then we started discussing what she had been telling her dad......well needless to say.....he lied...but he didn't want to discuss it last night because he had been drinking....a lot...
at 6:30 this morning we all discussed it....it turns out that he did lie and when I didn't believe him.....he started changing what he told me that she said (even though he stated it himself in the beginning of the conversation) ...he then started his mind games...stating that their was something wrong with me ..why do I think like that ....i must be bi-polar.....etc....but this time....I caught it.....I told him to stop trying to manipulate the conversation by changing the subject of him lying....he continued...but didn't get anywhere.....he used to do this all the time...telling me that so and so didn't like me and called me names.....then later when he wasn't mad he would say that he just said it to hurt my feelings....
then in the morning (after a few more hours of sleep) he was trying to hug me saying that she was lying and that he loves me and only me....etc..
does this sound like someone who is trying?? someone who changed?
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RE: marriage or single - 7/26/2008 10:21:02 PM
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benelchi
Posts: 2954
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
Status: online
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No, this does not sound like someone who is trying to change. And from your description it does sound like you are back at home with him despite the fact that he is drinking again. Please get yourself and your daughter to a SAFE place, from what you have described you are not SAFE if you are with this man right now.
Again, I truly believe God can work a miracle in your marriage and bring reconciliation, and I believe this is the best possible outcome, BUT the changes that your husband needs to make don't come overnight, and they do require a whole lot of hard work. PLEASE wait until you have a plan in place to reconcile with him, and PLEASE KEEP YOURSELF AND YOUR DAUGHTER SAFE until that plan is in place. Your best chance you have for a long an happy marriage with this man is to be patient and wait to reconcile with him only when he has truly done the hard work he needs to do, if you do this too soon you will likely only get hurt again. The most truly loving thing you can do for your husband is patiently wait for your husband (safely away from him) while he gets the help he needs to address the issues he must face.
I would also strongly encourage you and your children to be involved in counseling whether your husband does so or not, it will help you to recognize those patters that have led to abuse in the past so that they are not again repeated in the future.
quote:
ORIGINAL: rtvasquez
My husband woke me up at 6:30 this morning to discuss lies.....he had told me, last week, that my daughter who is 16 had been talking and saying mean things about me....when I wanted to take to her about these lies she was saying.....he told me that he handled it and that not to discuss it with her and start an argument...to trust that he took care of it ......I DID........big mistake.
I found out that she had did something wrong and was getting after her for it and she asked why I was so mad at her...I told her that she needed to stop her lying and then we started discussing what she had been telling her dad......well needless to say.....he lied...but he didn't want to discuss it last night because he had been drinking....a lot...
at 6:30 this morning we all discussed it....it turns out that he did lie and when I didn't believe him.....he started changing what he told me that she said (even though he stated it himself in the beginning of the conversation) ...he then started his mind games...stating that their was something wrong with me ..why do I think like that ....i must be bi-polar.....etc....but this time....I caught it.....I told him to stop trying to manipulate the conversation by changing the subject of him lying....he continued...but didn't get anywhere.....he used to do this all the time...telling me that so and so didn't like me and called me names.....then later when he wasn't mad he would say that he just said it to hurt my feelings....
then in the morning (after a few more hours of sleep) he was trying to hug me saying that she was lying and that he loves me and only me....etc..
does this sound like someone who is trying?? someone who changed?
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RE: marriage or single - 7/28/2008 1:41:20 AM
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rtvasquez
Posts: 14
Joined: 7/23/2008
Status: offline
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I am waiting for my older son's wife to have her baby (any day now)...that is the only reason I am in town.....
I do plan on going back home as soon as the baby is born.
I have already decided to file for divorce....if we go to counseling....then I can have it dismissed and stop the proceedings....if not...then I can make him help me with the kids.....
at this point --- I do not believe that he will help me with the boys school clothes or supplies...I had stopped working when I had decided to try to make our marriage work and come to stay with him to see how it would go.....big mistake......so i need to go back home and get back to work so that I can support my kids....financially.....
he won't help me unless I make him....he may get them one or two outfits and a few things for school....but that's all........we've done this before - last year.....I did it all by myself for the past year...and I will need to do it again....
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RE: marriage or single - 7/28/2008 9:01:12 AM
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benelchi
Posts: 2954
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rtvasquez
I am waiting for my older son's wife to have her baby (any day now)...that is the only reason I am in town.....
I do plan on going back home as soon as the baby is born.
I have already decided to file for divorce....if we go to counseling....then I can have it dismissed and stop the proceedings....if not...then I can make him help me with the kids.....
at this point --- I do not believe that he will help me with the boys school clothes or supplies...I had stopped working when I had decided to try to make our marriage work and come to stay with him to see how it would go.....big mistake......so i need to go back home and get back to work so that I can support my kids....financially.....
he won't help me unless I make him....he may get them one or two outfits and a few things for school....but that's all........we've done this before - last year.....I did it all by myself for the past year...and I will need to do it again....
If your concern is having a legal order for support in place, you should consider filing a legal separation. You would still get the same court ordered support, but you would be sending a much stronger message about your commitment to the marriage and your willingness to work on the marriage. Also being in town, and being in his home are two different things. From what you described the latter could be dangerous right now, please stay with some friends while you are waiting for the baby to arrive. And PLEASE get started with a marriage counselor who specializes with the kinds of abuse issues you are facing with your husband as soon as possible. Whether you remain married, end up divorced, you and your children are going to need a lot of support to get through all of this.
I am praying for you.
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RE: marriage or single - 7/28/2008 1:17:56 PM
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Bridgitt
Posts: 237
Joined: 6/18/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rtvasquez
Bridgett: Did he tellyou that he has been praying and such?
No at all.
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RE: marriage or single - 7/28/2008 1:35:48 PM
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Bridgitt
Posts: 237
Joined: 6/18/2008
Status: offline
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It doesn't sound like he's changed. I too advise you not to stay with him in the same house, for your safety and the safety of your children.
May God protect you and guide your steps. In Jesus name. Amen!
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RE: marriage or single - 7/29/2008 12:49:45 AM
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rtvasquez
Posts: 14
Joined: 7/23/2008
Status: offline
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I don't believe that he is changing either...just putting on a good show when people are around....our granddaughter was born today.....
Now it's all about us being grandparents together and help raise our granddaughter.....to go over all the time and our son bringing her over to us to play with.....he knows..that I live almost 3 hours away and that the only way i will see her is when I come down...which won't be often...it's the guilt thing that he has always done......if you leave me....you will be missing out on the family things.....
it's a low blow....
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RE: marriage or single - 7/29/2008 1:34:40 PM
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preserved
Posts: 752
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline
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rtvasquez,....If you prayed and you feel that God is leading you to proceed with the divorced then do it...Reality none of us here in this forum can really tell you what you should and should not do...and we are hearing your side of all of this....You know what you have to do for yourself and your children..
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