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Prairiehiker -> Testing the waters (7/17/2008 11:03:46 PM)

Do you guys ever do that before you make a move?

I have this friend who seems to be testing the waters with me lately. He was very nice and helpful which I truly appreciate. Then lately, he's becoming a little more flirtatious and I normally respond in a friendly way with lots of compliments for all the things he's done for me. Then he pushed it too far today flirting more in a sexual nature. Maybe I took it the wrong way. Maybe he didn't mean it that way. Is he just trying to see how far he can go with me. I'd hate to lose a friend who I actually really like, but not that way. And yes, he's a Christian.



humbleinspirit -> RE: Testing the waters (7/17/2008 11:22:07 PM)

Hmmm, now Prairie, are you looking for an answer for what this guy did or comments more in general instead?

Generally speaking, I will test the waters to see if a woman is interested or not. If she doesn't respond then I know that she isn't at all.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Testing the waters (7/17/2008 11:31:44 PM)

I guess my question really is, is this friend testing to see if our friendship will lead to sex, or if it's just a normaly flirtation or an expression of interest? Why secual in nature. What he actually said as he was teaching me the technicalities of mountain biking is that people don't wear underwear under bike shorts, and even though he's not going to inspect mine, he'd really like to. That to me, is crossing the line big time.



humbleinspirit -> RE: Testing the waters (7/17/2008 11:33:25 PM)

Yes, I agree that the comment was inappropriate. I would try to keep him accountable.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Testing the waters (7/17/2008 11:47:37 PM)

How sad. I don't know why men do that to a good friend of theirs.



humbleinspirit -> RE: Testing the waters (7/17/2008 11:50:14 PM)

Well, because sometimes they do not control themselves to know better. [8|]



19ramman85 -> RE: Testing the waters (7/18/2008 12:04:56 AM)

It does sound like he is trying to c how far he can go.

And if his actions are making you feel uncomfortable around him, confront him in a nice manner about it - if he really is a good friend - he'll beg forgiveness, and abide by your wishes.

If he doesn't- and ya hardly, if ever - hear from him again- then he really wasn't much of a - "Friend", then - was he?

And, no - not all guys are schmucks! [;)]

-charles



ChoirDJ -> RE: Testing the waters (7/18/2008 2:17:51 AM)

Perhaps he's grossly mistaking your compliments or friendliness as signs of interest...I'd suggest being a little less friendly when dealing with from this point forward. It may be a little awkward but he'll get the message that he crossed the line. That was a very inappropriate remark to make and it's men like this that give us decent men a bad name.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Testing the waters (7/18/2008 8:27:32 PM)

I was listening to a radio program this morning where everyone was allowed to call in and give their opinions. THe topic was flirting. I can't believe that most people that called in believes that if someone gave a compliment to the opposite sex, it's flirting. I certainly don't take things like that so I have no problem dishing out compliments. It's so normal for me to say "you're the best, or you're the greatest" to a guy that did something for me. But I guess it's often misconstrued as flirting, which is disappointing. YOu can't even show an appreciation for the person without him having to think the "she wants me".



APZR -> RE: Testing the waters (7/19/2008 1:17:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
But I guess it's often misconstrued as flirting, which is disappointing. YOu can't even show an appreciation for the person without him having to think the "she wants me".


That depends largely on age, maturity, and how much hormones are surging through the brain.



humbleinspirit -> RE: Testing the waters (7/19/2008 6:56:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker

I was listening to a radio program this morning where everyone was allowed to call in and give their opinions. THe topic was flirting. I can't believe that most people that called in believes that if someone gave a compliment to the opposite sex, it's flirting. I certainly don't take things like that so I have no problem dishing out compliments. It's so normal for me to say "you're the best, or you're the greatest" to a guy that did something for me. But I guess it's often misconstrued as flirting, which is disappointing. YOu can't even show an appreciation for the person without him having to think the "she wants me".


Now, those sound like your a good bud, not romantically interested in you type comments. I guess some people are just clueless I guess.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Testing the waters (7/19/2008 10:26:44 AM)

Thanks Humble. I really do like this man as a friend. He's pretty cool, and pretty helpful. I decided to just let that comment go. I mean, he can comment all he wants, if I don't respond in the way to encourage him, he'll stop I'm sure. If not, then we'll go for a ride and talk....like buddies do.



humbleinspirit -> RE: Testing the waters (7/19/2008 10:34:59 AM)

Your welcome, and yeah, like you said.



Blazingson -> RE: Testing the waters (7/19/2008 8:04:34 PM)

I don't know about all guys, but I will sometimes "test the waters", so to speak. But I never venture into the territory of sexual innuendo.



OneJohn410 -> RE: Testing the waters (7/21/2008 12:56:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker

Do you guys ever do that (test the waters) before you make a move?

I have this friend who seems to be testing the waters with me lately. He was very nice and helpful which I truly appreciate. Then lately, he's becoming a little more flirtatious and I normally respond in a friendly way with lots of compliments for all the things he's done for me. Then he pushed it too far today flirting more in a sexual nature. Maybe I took it the wrong way. Maybe he didn't mean it that way. Is he just trying to see how far he can go with me. I'd hate to lose a friend who I actually really like, but not that way. And yes, he's a Christian.

quote:

I guess my question really is, is this friend testing to see if our friendship will lead to sex, or if it's just a normaly flirtation or an expression of interest? Why secual in nature. What he actually said as he was teaching me the technicalities of mountain biking is that people don't wear underwear under bike shorts, and even though he's not going to inspect mine, he'd really like to. That to me, is crossing the line big time.

quote:

I was listening to a radio program this morning where everyone was allowed to call in and give their opinions. THe topic was flirting. I can't believe that most people that called in believes that if someone gave a compliment to the opposite sex, it's flirting. I certainly don't take things like that so I have no problem dishing out compliments. It's so normal for me to say "you're the best, or you're the greatest" to a guy that did something for me. But I guess it's often misconstrued as flirting, which is disappointing. YOu can't even show an appreciation for the person without him having to think the "she wants me".

quote:

I really do like this man as a friend. He's pretty cool, and pretty helpful. I decided to just let that comment go. I mean, he can comment all he wants, if I don't respond in the way to encourage him, he'll stop I'm sure. If not, then we'll go for a ride and talk....like buddies do.


Hey Prairiehiker,
This is the first He Says post I've seen actively and frequently replied to by the She. That's why I combined all your replies- so I could comment on something you've already decided about. I don't know if you'll be back here again- you didn't lock things up as in all done.

Yes, I test the waters. I find your friend's comment to be canned, misplaced humor, and inappropriate. If he's going to position himself as an instructor, he really missed the opportunity to say hey, you look great! I like your outfit, it looks like you're ready to go. Did your biking shorts come with some reading material about using them wisely, and how to care for them, and how to care for you?

I can't believe that compliment-giving is flirting either. Now, if someone stuffs in sarcasm, innuendo, over-emphasis, visual cues that their words are not what they mean to the compliment, imho it does two things. It destroys any sense of a compliment. It destroys the 'fine art' of flirting. What is received is then neither a compliment or a flirt, but double-talk, or hypocrisy. What kind of radio show convinces you all guys can't take a compliment without blowing it out of proportion, I have no idea. Someone is once again out to bash the entire male population for his or her own benefit.

quote:

I really do like this man as a friend. He's pretty cool, and pretty helpful. I decided to just let that comment go. I mean, he can comment all he wants, if I don't respond in the way to encourage him, he'll stop I'm sure. If not, then we'll go for a ride and talk....like buddies do.


I'd really think twice about someone that makes you uneasy from his speech. He will comment all he wants. What's this about continuing to allow him to inspect your shorts if he doesn't stop making you uneasy? By your telling, he's been honest about wanting to separate your clothing from you.

I've run out of words.

OneJohn410

edited because of the complexity of the word prairie in Prairiehiker [8D]



Prairiehiker -> RE: Testing the waters (7/21/2008 5:42:34 PM)

quote:

He will comment all he wants. What's this about continuing to allow him to inspect your shorts if he doesn't stop making you uneasy? By your telling, he's been honest about wanting to separate your clothing from you.


LOL. Hey, I didn't allow him to inspect my shorts! The conversation took place via email. When we're in person, he doesn't act at all like that which makes me think that he's one of those goofy guys who feels a little confident When hiding behind the computer.

I think my non response to him made him realize he crossed a line. As I said, I won't say anything right now,and let it go. But if it happens again, I'll say something.



DaveW -> RE: Testing the waters (7/22/2008 1:15:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: APZR

... and how much hormones are surging through the brain.
That's it.

There was a study out back in the 80s that said most men think about sex every few seconds. I don't remember the exact number but it was a little over 5.

While I would protest that 5 seconds is probably high for all men, I would have to see the makeup of their sample to understand the results. If the guys were young, single and not engaging in premarital sex, and have high libidos, then it would probably be right. Your friend probably fits that description. That place is one of frustration that can be excruciating at times.

It was possible his comment was one borne of that frustration and popped out before he could stop it. It is the same thing as saying something in anger that you really do not mean.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Testing the waters (7/24/2008 4:14:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
Do you guys ever do that before you make a move?


i realize there have been numerous discussions on what constitutes flirting but if my interest in a friend grew beyond friendship, i'd definately try to test the waters by maybe being more playful or flirty. no sexual innuendos though. it's a numbers game to many men in the world (and i'm sure for some Christian men too), if they flirt or are persistent with enough women, it pays off for them. i am not sure ignoring it really sent a clear definite signal as much as much as stating your beliefs but that might have made the friendship more awkward if you responded in kind. anyways i'd guess he may do some more testing although probably less crude this next time. i believe you've posted before how even though you are clear with your intentions that sometimes guy friends begin to fall for you, this could just be one of those cases too.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Testing the waters (7/24/2008 7:45:21 PM)

Well, he tried again only more subtle this time. Maybe it's common among cyclists to talk about going commando. I just ignored him and responded to his other comments. There's no point getting all uptight about it. A little "hey dude, you rock, but this isn't really cool with me" will send him the message that I'm really not into him.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Testing the waters (7/25/2008 4:40:44 PM)

yeah no need to make a big deal ... cyclists probably do joke about that a lot [i know one locally who has mentioned it before] ... i think in today's culture, it provides an easy flirt line for a cyclist but have heard from multiple female friends how they are constantly getting hit on so i think there's plenty of testing being done ...



makarizo -> RE: Testing the waters (7/26/2008 11:38:22 PM)

I think it was his way of complimenting you. it sounds (and is) crude, but his way of saying " I think you are attractive"
guys do that all the thyme!!
one of my best friends almost lost his future wife because of a stupid comment like that.
his was breast oriented, and with all of his heart, he thought he was giving her a big compliment.
it was crude, crass, and could only be heard one way.
in his thinking ... if someone said something like that to him, he would feel very complimented......... doi!!!

I test the waters all the time. I have had way too many girls "act" like a Christian just to try to 'get me'



Prairiehiker -> RE: Testing the waters (8/19/2008 8:46:07 PM)

Update:

We've exchanged a few emails, and time and time again, he tries to bring the conversation to semi-sexual topics. It really makes me angry, but I kept it nice, and told him in 3 consecutive emails that we are friends, and that I'm not likely to do anything with him. I even suggested on how he can meet other women.

Now, is this grounds for completely blocking a male friend from my life. He's a good guy, but I'm afraid, he's one of those guys that would pounce on me if I ever show any moments of weakness. Yeesh.....and he says he's a Christ follower!



stamper_ben -> RE: Testing the waters (8/19/2008 10:27:01 PM)

Maybe you should question him about his faith....



derek_from_canada -> RE: Testing the waters (8/20/2008 3:21:50 PM)

Dropping hints is not working, it's too subtle. (girls might get that, but guys need bluntness)

He's trying stuff to see if you are open and you're not... so

If you wanna salvage the friendship, shut down his game playing now, and maybe he'll go back to treating you like a human instead of a sexual object.

Put him in his place and tell him directly,
"You have been a good friend to me, like a brother and in my books a brother in Christ doesn't play games with sexual innuendo like that. If you want this friendship to continue, man up and quite bothering me like a teenage boy with that stuff. I wanna talk about bikes and not my butt."

He'll either respect you and the behaviour will stop, or be mad and slink away and not bother you. Either way is probably better than what it is now.

Flirting like that is for husbands and wives or people exclusively dating. =)



Prairiehiker -> RE: Testing the waters (8/20/2008 8:43:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: derek_from_canada

Dropping hints is not working, it's too subtle. (girls might get that, but guys need bluntness)

He's trying stuff to see if you are open and you're not... so

If you wanna salvage the friendship, shut down his game playing now, and maybe he'll go back to treating you like a human instead of a sexual object.

Put him in his place and tell him directly,
"You have been a good friend to me, like a brother and in my books a brother in Christ doesn't play games with sexual innuendo like that. If you want this friendship to continue, man up and quite bothering me like a teenage boy with that stuff. I wanna talk about bikes and not my butt."

He'll either respect you and the behaviour will stop, or be mad and slink away and not bother you. Either way is probably better than what it is now.

Flirting like that is for husbands and wives or people exclusively dating. =)


Thanks. I just decided that this is one friend that I can do without.



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