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psalm100 -> need advice on family issue....desperately (7/15/2008 10:26:01 PM)

I come to you all asking and seeking for Godly wisdom and advice. I will pray on each piece of advice you can give me.

Here goes.... My brother is slated to get married next month. Neiither he nor his fiancee is saved. They are living together and having been dating on and off for an extensive time. He asked me was I come to the wedding. Right now I am saying no. I do not agree with this union. I feel my brother will be making a drastic mistake if he marries this girl. She has done horrible things to him. How can I go to this wedding knowing how I feel about it. Everything in me is telling me he should not make this step. Other things are going on which I wish not to disclose at this time. I don't want to hurt my brother by not going to his wedding. Any advice?



PureLight -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/15/2008 10:52:19 PM)

I'd say make it clear to him that you disagree but still stand by him. It'd show you still care for him more than his situation. And have you been able to give a witness to the fiancee? It'd be an excellent opportunity.



OneJohn410 -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/15/2008 10:59:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: psalm100

I come to you all asking and seeking for Godly wisdom and advice. I will pray on each piece of advice you can give me.

Here goes.... My brother is slated to get married next month. Neiither he nor his fiancee is saved. They are living together and having been dating on and off for an extensive time. He asked me was I come to the wedding. Right now I am saying no. I do not agree with this union. I feel my brother will be making a drastic mistake if he marries this girl. She has done horrible things to him. How can I go to this wedding knowing how I feel about it. Everything in me is telling me he should not make this step. Other things are going on which I wish not to disclose at this time. I don't want to hurt my brother by not going to his wedding. Any advice?

I have not had to face a situation like this, so I have no advice from experience. I don't know that attending your brother's wedding is an implied statement of approval of his decision either. On the flip side, does not attending mean the opposite? If he knows you are concerned about him getting hurt further, and knows how you feel about his fiancee, then why not attend it? You can wish them well, meet others they've invited, and worst case have been there for one of your brother's happiest days of his life.

OneJohn410



delete123 -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/15/2008 11:03:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: psalm100

How can I go to this wedding knowing how I feel about it.


It is not about how you feel, not to mention that you are not the one marrying her.
You should go to show your love for your brother, it's his big day and aparrently is happy about it.

Give them a "family" bible as a gift and let your new sil, know you outline what a marriage should be if you like, and you can include Roman's 10:9, or 10:13



CRH



SavedByGraceMD -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/16/2008 12:23:52 AM)

I agree with all 3 posters so far. I would go, while letting him know that you don't approve, witness to the fiancee, and giving them a bible was a good idea. Like crh said it is not about you, or how you feel, even though the intentions are good. It is about them, so just stand by your brother, and give him your love.



mvic -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/16/2008 5:22:44 AM)

Let's look at this scenario in years to come:

Let's say you don't go to the wedding. You will have made it obvious to everyone that you don't approve. This will influence your future relationship with your brother and sister-in-law; whether the marriage is a happy and successful one or not.

Let's say you go to the wedding (and don't discuss your feelings with anyone). You will have stood by your brother on his important day. You will have left open a channel of communications with your sister-in-law which, in future years, may be useful to both of you. Who knows (except God) maybe they'll come to find God through yours and others' good example.

Now consider a different scenario:

Imagine it was your son or daughter getting married. Would you attend the wedding in similar circumstances?



daisies4u -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/16/2008 9:34:06 AM)

quote:

Other things are going on which I wish not to disclose at this time.


For me, it would depend on wha the other things are. If she is doing something that you know is detrimental (sp) to your brother; like, cheating on him or doing drugs and he doesn't know...stuff like that. Then that would be different than you not going just because you don't like her.

If your brother is not a Christian, would you approve of any girl that he wanted to marry if she wasn't a Christian either? Or has this woman done something that you seriously think would harm your brother if he married her.

We had this situation in my family. My sister refused to go to my brother's wedding. She did not like the girl. She knew she was wrong for my brother. We all knew it, except my brother. He knew how we felt, but he was "in love" and wanted to get married. After awhile, my sister finally gave in and agreed to go, but she main it very plain to my brother that she was going for him; because she loved him and always would, not because she supported this wedding.

Years later, my brother divorced this woman. He finally realized that she was all that we told him she was. If my sister has refused to go to the wedding and had an attitude of "I told you so", the damage in her and my brothers relationship would have been irrepairable. As it was, she, along with the rest of the family, enveloped him in love and got him through it.

My point is that it is your relationship with your brother that is at stake here. Can you let him know how you feel but support him? Not the wedding, but him. You don't want to damage your relationship so much that he will not be able to come to you in future if he needs you. HE is your family first and foremost and that should be the decision making factor. Not whether or not you like his wife.



iamjc-s -> GOD’S LOVE BREAKS THROUGH (7/16/2008 11:58:58 AM)

They accepted the gospel because God’s love had the power to allow them to know that what they were hearing was true (vv. 4-5)
It all starts with conversion. God’s love breaks through our hard hearts and gives us the ability to hear people when they lovingly tell us about the love of Jesus Christ. We no longer scoff it off as silliness, but as truth with conviction—for we begin to see that these Christians truly live out their lives with authenticity. They are not “putting on a show,” they are struggling through life just as I am, but with a genuine strength and hope that comes from their faith in Jesus Christ.
... Believers practically show that God is love by the things that they do ...
To a world that says, “Show me you love me before you tell me you love me,” their actions speak loud and clear.
from 1 Thessalonians 1:1-10 &/or http://www.vanguardchurch.com/a_church_in_the_vanguard_the_thessalonians.htm



colliefan -> RE: GOD’S LOVE BREAKS THROUGH (7/16/2008 11:08:10 PM)

Not going to the wedding would send the wrong signal to your brother and future SIL. Love them. Give them a christian-based marriage DVD series as a wedding gift.



SouthernBelleGrits -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/17/2008 12:08:29 PM)

I've been married 22 years. Before my husband and I were married, my husband's friends and some family members spoke of their reservations and speculated about my intentions. Some of my friends and family did the same to my husband. I have to say that it has taken YEARS for me to soften my heart towards those individuals. My husband made excuses for them but he was also hurt by their words. I always felt unaccepted and unloved by them because of the words they spoke. They made their decisions about me from much speculation, assumptions and fear. No one bothered to ask about the facts. My husband was extremely happy when he was with me but instead of listening to him and watching him they focused on themselves and what THEY felt. It didn't make sense. I was only 19. We had only known each other for two months when he proposed so I must be pregnant or something. I wasn't. I hardened my heart towards them. I'm not proud of that because I probably reinforced what they thought about me or assumed about me. I had no desire to spend time with those people after we were married because I felt like they only cared about themselves. They didn't care about getting to know me. They have never been able to see the role they played in it all. They are oblivious to the fact that their rejection of me and their rejection of my husband because of his choice of wife affected us deeply. I was afraid to pursue deep relationships with these people for fear that they would hurt me all over again. I never told them of the hurt because my husband didn't want to create any problems so I kept it hidden inside and went through the motions of the good daughter- in- law and sister -in - law and friend. I tried to pretend like I didn't care what they thought but I did and it ate away at me. I've forgiven them but haven't forgotten the pain of the rejection and their expectations to be someone I wasn't. They had a certain image of the person THEY wanted my husband to choose instead of accepting the person he did choose.

I would encourage anyone to hold their tongue when a person has made a choice of a spouse. The words you speak can leave real wounds in the hearts of the couple. If you speak words of rejection then be prepared for the consequences that follow, but also remember that it is never to late to apologize.



Kath -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/17/2008 12:14:27 PM)

moving from General Faith to Relationships



Kat_D -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/17/2008 12:35:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: psalm100

I come to you all asking and seeking for Godly wisdom and advice. I will pray on each piece of advice you can give me.

Here goes.... My brother is slated to get married next month. Neiither he nor his fiancee is saved. They are living together and having been dating on and off for an extensive time. He asked me was I come to the wedding. Right now I am saying no. I do not agree with this union. I feel my brother will be making a drastic mistake if he marries this girl. She has done horrible things to him. How can I go to this wedding knowing how I feel about it. Everything in me is telling me he should not make this step. Other things are going on which I wish not to disclose at this time. I don't want to hurt my brother by not going to his wedding. Any advice?


You not going will just send the message to your brother that you don't love him enough to put aside your differences with his bride to attend his wedding. No one will read it to mean that you are taking some righteous stand. This may also create a break in your relationship with your brother, because after he is married, he will likely chose his wife over you if he is forced to do so.

Your brother is a big boy and is responsible for the decisions he makes in his life and if this marriage is a mistake, you not attending the wedding will not change that. Pray that God would make what is wrong in this union right, and go to the wedding and love and support your brother.

10 "Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; 11 not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; 12 rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; 13 distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality. 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. 16 Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion. 17 Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. 18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men." -Romans 12



TorchHeart -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/17/2008 1:24:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: psalm100

I come to you all asking and seeking for Godly wisdom and advice. I will pray on each piece of advice you can give me.

Here goes.... My brother is slated to get married next month. Neiither he nor his fiancee is saved. They are living together and having been dating on and off for an extensive time. He asked me was I come to the wedding. Right now I am saying no. I do not agree with this union. I feel my brother will be making a drastic mistake if he marries this girl. She has done horrible things to him. How can I go to this wedding knowing how I feel about it. Everything in me is telling me he should not make this step. Other things are going on which I wish not to disclose at this time. I don't want to hurt my brother by not going to his wedding. Any advice?


I guess it really depends on how strongly you are against this marriage, but personally I'm with the crowd that says not attending it is going to send the wrong message to your brother and your future sister-in-law. And, personally, I think doing something like that could cause a lot of trouble and disharmony down the road between you and your brother (and it already sounds like you have enough of that).

I think you need to just go to the wedding, bite your tongue (unless you REALLY feel the need to witness to them, but do so at your discression... its not that I don't think they need it; I just would be concerned about the timing), and try to support your brother in his decision. He may need more support, later, and you being at this wedding might give him the impression that you're someone he can turn to if/when that time arrises.

And try to have a good time. [:)] (You might as well enjoy yourself while you're there, right?)



jaimestarcross -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/17/2008 2:50:52 PM)

example: The apostle Timothy was born to unequally yolked parents(Jew/Gentile) --- but as we look deeper into scripture we see how his grandmother and mother came along side each other and taught him about the Lord and they prayed earnestly over him from infancy onward!
(I bet the Jewish side of the family weren't pleased with that union(marriage) either - however, the grandmother choose to be a living witness to the child.) Their diligence paid off Timothy became a believer!

*You can look at a situation and see only the bad - look deeper into the matter and see it as an opportunity to be a living Bible before your brother and his fiance(share the Good News of the Gospel with them verbally and by example)... so many of us go out into different parts of the world to be a witness for God but we fail to do that within our own family.



mindonfocus07 -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/17/2008 3:42:23 PM)

When my husband and I were dating his mother and sisters HATED me because "we were gettin too involved too young" and we did have a lot of problems at first. We argued and broke up a nd got back together and broke up again. When times between he and I were good we never heard from them at all, but when we fought they were right there to call me everything but a child of God and to tell him how he needed to leave and how much they disapproved of our being together. After we got married his family was completely uninvolved in our lives which tore my husband apart. They would call and hang up if I would answer and would tell him that they didn't want to hear anything about "that girl" when they would talk to him. When I got pregnant they denied my daughter which only placed a greater strain on their relationship with my husband. His mother even went as far as to pass around a pic of my daughter and a baby pic of my husband with a poll on whether or not they looked alike. My daughter was one before she even met his side of the family and now she is 2 and has seen them about 3 or 4 times in her life.

My advise to you is this:

If you value your relationship with your brother support him in his decision. Pray for him and his soon to be wife and be there for him. He needs you to be there and to know that, even if his marriage doesn't work out (which I pray that it will) he will have his family there to help him through the bad times and to celebrate with him in the good times. Try to reach out to your future SIL for the sake of your relationship with your brother and any neices and/or nephews you may have (or already have). In the end the decision to marry is your brothers and his alone and I know from my own experience that once you regect the person he has chosen to share his life with it is hard if not impossible to mend that relationship and the hurt that causes.



preserved -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/17/2008 7:53:10 PM)

Psalm100...I am going to have to go in a different directions here than the other poster thus far...It would have to be based on what those other issue that you are not disclosing at this time...If you feel that it will place him in harm of a sort...then you need to sit down and have a talk with him and let him know how you really feel and why you do not agree with this union and why you oppose to attend the wedding. Once you've cleared the air...pray about it as do as God leads you. Surprising he did not ask you to be his best man as his brother?? I do not agree that you should attend just to make him happy...

I had an aunt who met a man who was still married but just not happy...She manage to get him to leave his wife and marry her...I did not attend the wedding because I felt it was wrong...To this day I never regretted because I was letting my aunt know that it was not right in how she went about it...Funny because she is very prossessive about him...probably her conscience because she took him from someone else...



shadowspring -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/18/2008 3:33:29 PM)

Your brother?

Oh, yes, I would go! I like the gift of a Bible and/or Christian marriage series.

Then be sure to be loving and kind as well as self-controlled, since you are wearing your faith on your sleeve with a Christian wedding gift. You will be representing Christ! [:D]



psalm100 -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/18/2008 9:15:01 PM)

Thank you for all of your replies. I had the chance to sit and talk to my brother earlier in the week. I even witnessed to him about the Lord. My brother revealed his heart to me. He basically said that he felt that he really wasn't ready to get married, but he loved his fiancee. He has been with her for a very long time. I have nothing personal against his fiancee. But I believe she is involved in witchcraft. Too long of a story to get into. I am hoping and praying that the Lord will open his eyes. I do not want him to be pressured into this marriage. I want him and his fiancee to really think things through.



TorchHeart -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/20/2008 12:35:07 AM)

You BELIEVE she's involved in witchcraft? How do you know, or what leads you to believe that she is?

Also, IF she is into witchcraft, what kind of wedding are they going to have? This would change some of my thoughts about attending the wedding if it was going to be done in pagan-style ceremony.



beachcooky -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/20/2008 2:58:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: psalm100

I come to you all asking and seeking for Godly wisdom and advice. I will pray on each piece of advice you can give me.

Here goes.... My brother is slated to get married next month. Neiither he nor his fiancee is saved. They are living together and having been dating on and off for an extensive time. He asked me was I come to the wedding. Right now I am saying no. I do not agree with this union. I feel my brother will be making a drastic mistake if he marries this girl. She has done horrible things to him. How can I go to this wedding knowing how I feel about it. Everything in me is telling me he should not make this step. Other things are going on which I wish not to disclose at this time. I don't want to hurt my brother by not going to his wedding. Any advice?


I am so glad that you come here to talk about this situation!!!! It's always good to confide in people, huh? :)
But anyways, if you think this is truly what is right, then by no means, don't go to the wedding.
Go to him, confront him about it. You might have already done this, but that was your first step. Explain why you're not going to the wedding.
I think you should but if you truly think it's the right thing to do, then don't go.
I think you should go because you might regret it much later. But that's the only issue I have with it.

Keep him in your prayers. If you need to, write his name down on his paper. You should be praying for people anyways. Daily. I fail at that ALL the time. I keep names written on a piece of paper, though. And it helps me to remember to pray.

Pray for him & his fiance's salvation. Plant a seed in them. Tell them how much God loves them and that you love them. That's planting a seed right there. And hopefully, that seed will grow. Just show them love. Support them.

But do what you feel is right. I am simply offering you advice. :)



Rivermoon -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/20/2008 7:07:22 PM)

Hi Psalm100,

I know it's tough. There are 3 areas I'm concerned with:

1) Try to ask God to give you an objective perspective in seeing your brother's situation. If you pray about it, and have peace about your opinion about his wedding, share it with your brother in a humble, calm, objective, and honest way. And stress to him that it's solely for his own sake that you come up with this opinion. But remember that your part is up to here. Whether he accepts your opinion, whether he still goes ahead with the wedding, and whether he will share your thought is within his own boundary, so he has the total right to make his own decision, and you have no control over it. It's because he is an adult now, and he should take responsible for his own decision and the consequences, and others should respect his own right of making his own decision, and leading his own life. (yeah, I know it's so harsh to say so to you or do that to your brother, but forcing someone to do something that he himself don't believe won't work. Everyone, whether Christian or non-Christian, must have the freedom to make his own decision based on what he himself believes, and be accountable for it.)
2) I don't see attending his wedding does conflict with what you believe. As he needs support from his family and friends, including you. You just only need to let him know that you'll attend his wedding, just because you want to be there for him, and being supportive of his decision, even though it may not go with your opinion. And attending his wedding doesn't mean that you give up your stand, and can't stand firm on your belief on this matter. Attending the wedding is just to show him your unconditional support which he needs, as you love your brother so much.
3) I may be harsh at this point, but it's the truth. I know it's very heartbreaking to see someone insisting of walking down a path that you know it's wrong. As long as we do our part to offer our advice to that person, we still need to free up that person's freedom to make his own decision, unless the decision involves someone's life (such as suicide, murder, etc). At the same time, we are not God, so we will never know what we foresee will definitely happen. It know it's very difficult in this position. But we have to let go of our control let God be in the God's role, and let us play our own role.

I hope what I said above makes sense, and be helpful.
Do take care & God Bless,
Rivermoon. :-)



GrowinBaptist -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/25/2008 12:05:10 PM)

I'm with the crowd that says by all means go to the wedding! And yes, you can also be a witness for the Lord to them regarding their circumstances. I completely understand your concern, especially about the fact that you believe his fiancee is into witchcraft. There are some who would say big deal, but this is a very serious matter. The occult is nothing to mess with, even "innocently."

It sounds as though you have done all you can at this point. Don't beat yourself up if your brother still marries this woman despite your strong reservations. You have stated your case for the Lord. If your brother doesn't heed your warnings, then unless the miracle of salvation takes place in his and/or her life, he will have to live with the consequences. By attending the wedding, you are not necessarily saying that you approve of the marriage...you will be telling him that you will be willing to stand with him no matter what. He may need all your love and support down the road.



revbob4God -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/25/2008 5:09:23 PM)

About the wedding, I have had this issue come up before with church members. I understand your feelings. But, my child, you must remember that your brother is your family. While you may not like the woman, you must remember that we all have to adhere to God's time, not ours. There is always an opportunity to save a soul as long as people draw breath. At least these two are getting married.
Refusing to go to the wedding will only create hostility between you, your brother and this woman. This will make it that much more difficult for you to minister to her and try to save her soul. As a Preacher I would advise you to go to the wedding but make it clear to your brother you are concerned, and though you may disagree with the marriage you do support and love him, and that you will continue to pray for both of them.

And pray for them daily. Several times a day if necessary.



howardruns -> RE: GOD’S LOVE BREAKS THROUGH (7/26/2008 1:50:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: colliefan

Not going to the wedding would send the wrong signal to your brother and future SIL. Love them. Give them a christian-based marriage DVD series as a wedding gift.



I agree with Colliefan and many of the other posters. I think that I would politely, lovingly express my concerns to my brother (alone) using as few words as possible and attend the wedding unless as one poster mentioned, she is doing something really, really terrible and harmful to your brother.

Couples go through enough uncertainty and stress leading up to their wedding. I am assuming that your brother loves you and that you are important to him. Uncertainty/suspense about whether or not you will attend his big day should not be added to the pile of pre-wedding day stressors (in my opinion).

Yes. I do realize that this is not a decision that you intend to make lightly.

Since they are not believers, to me, it does not make sense to give them a Bible. It probably would not be read. They might also find your precious gift offensive.

Why not give them some marriage-building materials that are based on Christian/Bible principles?; perhaps something by Gary Smalley, James Dobson or Dr. Ed Wheat's book, "Love Life For Every Married Couple." Who could resist a book with a title like that?

Howard



howardruns -> RE: need advice on family issue....desperately (7/26/2008 2:06:40 PM)

I'm glad that you were able to have a heart to heart with your brother.

Howard



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