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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/11/2008 6:45:20 AM
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car2ner
Posts: 2941
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: just north of Florida
Status: offline
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quote:
Saying that you hate him is manipulation. It has nothing to do with the truth. He has no clue your feelings and you already know that.
I do NOT agree with this! If the boy has already been sent off to boarding school, I am sure he feels rejected! I remember what that feels like, as a teen, even though I never went to boarding school. It stinks! Plus the poster has no personal knowledge of this young man, only the little we have read here. It sounds very cynical and unkind, not at all fair.
I am sorry that folks could mis-understood my statement. I didn't say that the boy didn't feel hurt. I am saying that the boy has no clue what the POSTER'S true feelings are. To say "you hate me" is more about the kid's emotions, not the target of his tantrum. It is manipulative none the less. It is said to hurt, not resolve.
_____________________________
http://www.car2ner.2ya.com
"May your days be long and your hardships few".
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/11/2008 11:59:23 AM
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mabel
Posts: 179
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jdurham
Thanks for the past 2 replys. I have been praying that the Lord change me in my attitude toward this boy and see him as the Lord would have me see.
LOL...I had much prayer like that! Ask the Lord to show you how HE sees him. It's amazing how God shows up!
quote:
I do have a question for you Mabel. A I said earlier we are in unison on the issue of discpline. We also will establish house rules. These rules will be enforced regardles of who breaks them , regardless how long they are with us or with their other parent. When they come into our home they will all be required to adhere. But...I am hearing a lot about the biological parent does the discplining only on their own children. How do feel about that and how does it work in your home? Any you are correct, prayer has now become more of a necessity than ever before
Sounds like you are on the same page and that is so helpful! I think it's important to let the kids know what the expectations are and how issues will be handled.
As far as handling discipline, I think it depends on each family's circumstances. The first time I tried to address an issue with our 15-yr old she replied "you're not my mother!", so I simply acknowledged that yes, she has a mother and I don't intend to replace her. That seemed to take a burden off of her. As Laura said too, rather than try to be her mother, I've tried to be someone she can trust. In our situation, the other parent doesn't parent, has no rules or boundaries. I mostly try to encourage our daughter and speak truth into her. I try to ask questions to engage her in conversation and let her know that her opinions and thoughts are important to me. I am seeing that she is coming to me more and more with questions and asking for help with things. She is very insecure, so I felt it was important that she could feel safe with me. It takes time.
My husband also has a 5-yr old that was totally "testing" and thought if her dad wasn't around she didn't have to listen to me. One "time out" later she got the message. I do discipline the younger as if she were my own. If I didn't she'd be running the house. I can see where differences in parenting styles could really cause tension, so that might not work for some.
I agree with Laura and have seen in my own marriage that kids really do respond positively when they see and experience a healthy relationship between spouses.
Anyway, as you consider marriage, I shared many of your thoughts. But I knew my husband was the man I wanted to spend my life with. For sure I had much to process. I have two adult kids and he has six kids and 4 grand children!  LOL....but we really are enjoying each other and see it as a journey. We do try to be realistic and hard as some days are, we go to bed each night so thankful for each other and feeling blessed!
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/13/2008 5:18:46 PM
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Chism
Posts: 4
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline
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We married when his son was 17, but we should have waited another three or more years for the good of everyone. His son was so similar to what you wrote regarding the actions of her son that it scares me.
One of the first things I said to him, thinking I was assuring him, was that I would not try to be his mother to him. Little did I know that he wanted me to be his mother -- for the first couple weeks, then he realized that my personality was the opposite of hers. When he understood that, he treated me with complete disdain from then on.
While all the children had chores, he thought that since he was the oldest, he should be allowed to choose his chores first, then everyone else got the leftovers. But then he did his best to get out of his until I finally said that I did not want him doing chores anymore, because he made more work for me by "doing" them and caused so much strife, and I certainly did not need that.
He occupied the TV and thought this was his right. It never mattered who wanted to watch something else. because his choices came first. My children had never watched the violence, blood, and gore he watched, but he would have his way or he would break things.
I lived in fear of him, because he was violent person.
He broke many of my son's things as well as things that were mine. He put more holes in walls than I can remember. He broke the kitchen cabinet doors because he slammed them around, then said that they were "cheap." I saw him throw a heavy object directly at my son on purpose, because he was angry, and if my son had not been agile, he would be dead. He broke the computers numerous times, because he would get mad at the games.
I could go on, but why bother?
So let me tell you what he was like as an adult. He could not control his emotions and he blew up on the job, so he couldn't keep a job. He got married, and he made his wife and children miserable. Imagine what they went through because he couldn't keep a job.
He was always out of money. He had no discipline, so when he had money, he would spend it on himself, disregarding his wife and children, disregarding his many credit card bills, disregarding the money owed for cars, disregarding food, rent...ShalI continue? That would probably be unnecessary.
_____________________________
Thank you --
Chism
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/14/2008 7:25:00 PM
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still4gvn
Posts: 1313
Joined: 12/28/2005
From: just north of Seattle, WA
Status: offline
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there seems to be an issue of potential violence from this boy. Because of his size, one punch could even kill someone by accident. I think you should not discount your misgivings. Have him evaluated by a psychologist (secular would be ok) and also check if he has acted out physically in school. Perhaps some sort of job skill training would be a lot better than military school/
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/15/2008 9:43:52 AM
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jdurham
Posts: 13
Joined: 7/7/2008
Status: offline
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An update. WE met with a private christian counselor regarding not just the situation with her son but to answer some questions that she and I had regarding blending families. The counselor siad the only issues at hand that she see's is that I can't discpline above my relationship that I have with her son. The counselor was very encouraged for our future and said that we seem to have thought out a lot of issues. Warned us to be in prayer and spend much time brainstorming before we come before all 4 boys and talk about final plans and overall house rules.
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