Marriage Lessons 101 - Class in Session. (Full Version)

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ChoirDJ -> Marriage Lessons 101 - Class in Session. (7/3/2008 1:29:05 AM)

Oftentimes, we come to threads in this section to post about how a spouse is mistreating us whether the issue is substance abuse, domestic violence, infidelity, pornography, financial mismangement and a host of other things. The question I would like to pose is three-fold.

1). What was going on with you at the time you found that person attractive? What did you learn about yourself through your choice to marry this person?

2). What red flags or warning signs did you ignore to marry that person?

3). What advice would you pass on to someone else that may be headed in this direction?



Harvie -> RE: Spouse-Bashing 101 - Class in Session. (7/3/2008 1:33:34 AM)

I don't bash my spouse.

The tone of your question comes across (to me) as a bit ... harsh.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Spouse-Bashing 101 - Class in Session. (7/3/2008 7:20:27 AM)

Well, the OP maybe not being sweet and adorable about it, but I think he/she??? is right on. [;)]

I believe there are a few horrible people who can successfully fool everybody about their character, but most of the time, I really think there are warning signs, however small, that folks choose to ignore or spin until the red flags look green.

For instance, I have a friend (a nominal Christian) who says she really wants to get married and settle down with a good, respectful, loving man. But the men she dates are pigs--her facebook page is full of disgusting, vile material posted by boyfriends and exboyfriends to the point that I don't visit it anymore and just use wall-to-wall to converse. But she's desperately in love with each new guy. They're so "nice", you know. [8|] 15 years from now, if she doesn't wise up, she is going to be complaining about a porn-freak husband and how she had no idea what a terrible character he was. [&:]



car2ner -> RE: Spouse-Bashing 101 - Class in Session. (7/3/2008 7:22:15 AM)

I don't bash my spouse. In fact I brag alot.

BUT, my ex was another story. I seldom bashed him. I treated him the way I wanted to be treated, that included gossiping. BUT, with that positive attitude, I also overlooked and made excuses for some bright red flags! My advice, red flags are for real and don't just go away. Often they become worse.



alanajackson -> RE: Spouse-Bashing 101 - Class in Session. (7/3/2008 9:38:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ

Oftentimes, we come to threads in this section to post about how a spouse is mistreating us whether the issue is substance abuse, domestic violence, infidelity, pornography, financial mismangement and a host of other things. The question I would like to pose is three-fold.

the forum is for discussing such issues.

1). What was going on with you at the time you found that person attractive? What did you learn about yourself through your choice to marry this person?

He was kind and gentle and a Christian. I was to find a dark side to his personality that he hid well. I was only 21 and a Christian and.....I just didnt know. How could I have ?

2). What red flags or warning signs did you ignore to marry that person?

There were none.

3). What advice would you pass on to someone else that may be headed in this direction?


Pray for Gods mercy and grace and guidance daily during the dating period. You just cant always tell that someone is nuts. You just cant. Abusers hide it well.



Chrystal-J-007 -> RE: Spouse-Bashing 101 - Class in Session. (7/3/2008 10:33:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: alanajackson
Pray for Gods mercy and grace and guidance daily during the dating period. You just cant always tell that someone is nuts. You just cant. Abusers hide it well.


I agree. One of the traits of an anti-social personality is "superficial charm". If you're young and don't have anyone looking out for you, it'd be easy to get lured in and not realize that someone is an abuser until it's too late.
I wish I had been a christian (with the Bible to guide me) sooner. I sure could of avoided a lot of headaches and heartaches.



LivePrayDream -> RE: Spouse-Bashing 101 - Class in Session. (7/3/2008 10:52:48 AM)

I never badmouth my spouse. Yes, he has his flaws, but those things are between us. If I need advice, I would seek it, but I would never treat him as though he is a bad person deserving of bad words because I know him and I know that he has the best heart that anyone could ever ask for. I may, however, be guilty of bragging! LOL [;)] I kid. [:D]

Many people, namely online, tried to "warn" my husband about me, actually. They were convinced that I was some type of evil person and that I would hurt him and destroy his life or whatever. These people, to me, were and still are (as they are still coming after us) evil in heart and all I can do is pray for them. I know what it is like to be in their shoes, as they are probably depressed and lacking something good in their lives. I mended my soul and my heart and that is when God led me to my husband. We're coming up on our one-year wedding anniversary and our lives together couldn't possibly be more blissful! I praise God for that every.single.day and I will do it until the day I go to join him in Heaven. [:)]

I'm sorry I did not answer your three questions, but I do not feel they apply to me, and I still wanted to reply. I guess I wanted to give you some hope because you seem a little... I don't know, you don't seem hopeless, but maybe cynical? I think you may know what I mean. Anyway, I was fortunate to find a man with a strong Christian background, raised in the church and by the church (his father is a minister and his sister is a deacon), and although I have always been Christian and have believed in Jesus Christ, he helped to renew my spirit in it when at the time I felt detached. This is what attracted me to him, and so much more. I wouldn't have enough time in the day if you wanted me to explain everything. [:)]



chrystar -> RE: Spouse-Bashing 101 - Class in Session. (7/3/2008 10:57:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ

Oftentimes, we come to threads in this section to post about how a spouse is mistreating us whether the issue is substance abuse, domestic violence, infidelity, pornography, financial mismangement and a host of other things. The question I would like to pose is three-fold.

1). What was going on with you at the time you found that person attractive? What did you learn about yourself through your choice to marry this person?

2). What red flags or warning signs did you ignore to marry that person?

3). What advice would you pass on to someone else that may be headed in this direction?


If I understand your question correctly, you’re asking, why when people post complaining about a spouse, did we as the person posting “miss” something in our spouse that we should have seen earlier? If I m not correct then I apologize for maybe taking this along a tangent.

I have posted on these forums about the troubles with my wife, and to answer your question, No there was really nothing about her that warned me that sexual intimacy would be an issue ,other then she was raised in very conservative southern Baptist church ( maybe that is a red flag I missed…. [:D] )

As far as what attracted me to her. Well really it was the fact that she was a loving and considerate and that she had a true heart for family and for god, and a drive to make her life mean something. These are still qualities that I love even though we are having problems

I think it should be pointed out that people DO change, meaning that you can be as observant and as discerning as possible before getting married to someone only to find a part of their personality that they either hid or a part that has changed. In other words, their may never be any red flags as you put it. The important thing to focus on is that you do see the flags when they do come up and to be prepared for conflict in you marriage as conflict WILL happen. That is just a truth of life

Not sure if this helps you any, but is I think you pose interesting question

Later!



alanajackson -> RE: Spouse-Bashing 101 - Class in Session. (7/3/2008 10:57:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chrystal-J-007

quote:

ORIGINAL: alanajackson
Pray for Gods mercy and grace and guidance daily during the dating period. You just cant always tell that someone is nuts. You just cant. Abusers hide it well.


I agree. One of the traits of an anti-social personality is "superficial charm". If you're young and don't have anyone looking out for you, it'd be easy to get lured in and not realize that someone is an abuser until it's too late.

I was young for sure, but had Christian parents. In fact my ex and his family were Christians and appeared warm and loving. I was mature for my age (21) and we dated for three years before marriage. You just dont always know.


I wish I had been a christian (with the Bible to guide me) sooner. I sure could of avoided a lot of headaches and heartaches.


I WAS a Christian and I have come to believe we are not immune from any of the usual hearthaches and problems. We have a good God though, who will see us through. Blessings!@



Chrystal-J-007 -> RE: Spouse-Bashing 101 - Class in Session. (7/3/2008 11:15:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: alanajackson

I was young for sure, but had Christian parents. In fact my ex and his family were Christians and appeared warm and loving. I was mature for my age (21) and we dated for three years before marriage. You just dont always know.

I WAS a Christian and I have come to believe we are not immune from any of the usual hearthaches and problems. We have a good God though, who will see us through. Blessings!@

Wow..that's too bad that you had to go through this. It's so painful.

1). What was going on with you at the time you found that person attractive? What did you learn about yourself through your choice to marry this person?

I was young, homeless, not close to my family and had never been around anyone who truly believed. I guess I was 'easy pickings' for men with bad intentions. They always came off as loving and caring--then they turned on you later in the relationship. I guess what I learned was to support any children I had so they don't end up like me. I was a good student, an obedient daughter, but because I was over 18, I was told to leave by my parents and "sink or swim". I wouldn't put my kids through that.

2). What red flags or warning signs did you ignore to marry that person?
Since I wasn't a christian at the time, none. But, if I had been a believer I would of realize how very important it is to marry a believer *only*.

3). What advice would you pass on to someone else that may be headed in this direction?
Marry a believer who puts God first. Who isn't willing to compromise his beliefs for anyone--including you.

(And I don't consider it "bashing" talk about these things, I'm just telling the truth in hopes that others can avoid what I went through.)



ChoirDJ -> RE: Spouse-Bashing 101 - Class in Session. (7/3/2008 11:31:28 AM)

I've edited the title of this thread because it seems the title may have taken away from the content and I apologize for that. In retrospect, "bashing" is not the term I should have used because I don't think any of us posts with that intention. I am continuing to learn on using better word choices to convey what I actually mean so please forgive me. I am in no way condoning (or implicating) that anyone here bashes the spouse. The intent was for us to talk about what things have we learned in hindsight whether it's with a current spouse or a past spouse.

I'll share my experience.

1). What was going on with you at the time you found that person attractive? What did you learn about yourself through your choice to marry this person?

I had very poor self-esteem and relatively little experience with dating as a young adult. Simply put, I wanted to be someone's Knight in shining armor and I was desperate to get married. I overlooked many things in vain hopes of this person would change and just needed someone to bring the best out of her.

2). What red flags or warning signs did you ignore to marry that person?

Multiple children with multiple fathers (I was not told about one child at the onset of our relationship because she thought that would be a deal-breaker, job instability, family history of very negative attitudes towards men, multiple short term relationships where domestic violence was involved on both parts

3). What advice would you pass on to someone else that may be headed in this direction?

Get a lot of input before you make that decision. Listen to those around you who know you as well as the person you're considering marrying. And, of course, don't ignore the red flags because they are there.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Spouse-Bashing 101 - Class in Session. (7/3/2008 12:19:05 PM)

chrystar...I think you saw past my initial wording to see the intent of what I was trying (and I certainly can't fault the others here for their initial responses). You are essentially saying that in some cases (such as yours) the red flags aren't apparent because they have more to deal with attitudes than behavior? I can see that happening if you've never talked about the issue of sexual intimacy prior to marriage. In retrospect, should you have discussed that issue before marriage?

Chrystal-J-007...talking about learning on the go. Your post is very deep. It sounds like you are saying you didn't have the life experience or the support system to help you see those red flags so you did not know what to look for in the first place. I appreciate your resolve to protect your children from the things you went through.

When I reflect on my experience, there was definitely an arrogance that wanted to prove how wrong the naysayers were about my ex because I really didn't think she was getting a fair shake.



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