What should i do? (Full Version)

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musicboy -> What should i do? (7/1/2008 3:02:31 PM)

I am 19 years old and I am currently in college. Almost a year ago, last August, i met a girl who i really liked. We talked on the phone everyday and started dating a few weeks later. We got really close and i was trying to keep our God in our relationship by reading the bible and having small devotionals together. But after a while the devotionals stopped and we would rather just be close to each other physically. We got closer and closer until at about 5 months of seeing each other we had sex. I felt so bad. She felt bad too. But we couldn't stop and everytime we tried to stop it only lasted for a little while before we did it again. She told me that we should stop and i agreed but we couldn't. It had been 10 months since we first got together and i told her that we should break up. She said we could fix things we could stay together and be better. But she had said that before and i didnt know wat to do. So i broke up with her. I felt so bad because i know she loves me and shes willing to do anything for us to stay together but I don't know what i should do. I need advice. Its been a couple days since I broke up with her and I want to get back with her but I feel like if I do we will do it again and so i don't know what i should do. I have asked God for forgiveness because i know i sinned. But right now I need advice. Please help me out.



ChoirDJ -> RE: What should i do? (7/1/2008 3:25:50 PM)

musicboy...your story is one of the many reasons why people in your age group and stage of life shouldn't date. Seriously, what's the point of having a girlfriend at your age if you are not in a position to get married? You both need to stay apart and get your focus on God before you cause something to happen that will shipwreck your future.

quote:

I felt so bad because i know she loves me and shes willing to do anything for us to stay together but I don't know what i should do.


This is not how mature love behaves according to the Bible. Neither of you are at a point where you are mature enough to have a godly relationship and you've proven this over and over again. Do not date until you are mature enough to get married. Do you really want to have to sit down with your future spouse (likely not this girl) some day and explain this behavior to her?



preserved -> RE: What should i do? (7/1/2008 5:07:48 PM)

The two of you have placed God in the back seat and satan in the driver seat....Both of you need to get back on track with God and do not be overcome with the tempation of the devil. If the two of you feel no need to put God back in the driver's seat then you breaking off the relationship is best. I know it hurts...but right now there seems to be only lust between you. You recognized the error and your decision is the right thing until both of you can be on one accord with God together..



slushie -> RE: What should i do? (7/1/2008 7:35:04 PM)

I agree with preserved. You may have to break up with her to get centered with God where you should be. Both of you need to do that. You also should have found an adult to be accountable to. Did you have one?

It's good that you know that you messed up with this, but this HAS TO STOP.



jaimestarcross -> RE: What should i do? (7/1/2008 8:07:04 PM)

You really don't need to be together since neither one of you established proper boundaries in the relationship. Both of you failed to protect your Christian testimonies.

Nothing is more important than getting yourselves back on the straight and narrow way with God.
Any time you lay your relationship with the Lord aside, to be with each other more - you're leaving yourselves wide open for failure!



gabs-dynasty -> RE: What should i do? (7/1/2008 10:25:17 PM)

hey music boy,
first of all let me congratulate you for being aware of what you've done wrong. many people can't even do that.
you've taken the first step...and thats staying away from her. i know you are very confuse, so ask God to control your mind and emotions. at first it might seem that you're being mean to her, but in reality what you're doing is showing God that you don't want to miss out on what He has prepare for you.

you have sin, but Jesus Christ perish on the cross so that we could be cleanse from our sins.
God is telling you today: “music boy, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?”
“Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.”
Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

stay away and pray and fast.



DansHopeandLove -> RE: What should i do? (7/6/2008 8:49:32 PM)

I too agree with Preserved. However, know this, God is in the business of restoration. I presume to believe that you both feel very guilty for disobeying God's word after having sex. Yes, you were disobedient and there will be consequences for that sin - however, God is a Just. He will not deliver unto you a life of pain and suffering, instead, He wants to have a beautiful relationship with you.

At this time, you two need to Sell Out Yourselves For Christ and nothing/no one else. Your disobedience was a result of not being sold out for Christ. That is the first phase of an everlasting relationship.

Now let's say that this girl is the one that God destined you to be with. Then don't forget that God will restore both of you and clean you completely and as a result, will forget your sin if you ask Him to. He will truly forget it, but the devil will use your mind and guilt to remind you of it. You need to forgive yourself and then forgive her so that the enemy has nothing over you.

Despite these nice words, to me, it doesn't sound like she is the one that God has predestined to you because you CHOSE her and you CHOSE to dishonor yourself and her too; and you CHOSE to love her. When are you planning to let God CHOOSE your future and everything in it?

I am 40 and have been divorced twice now. I am and have suffered much. I wish I knew at age 19 that "dating" was a thing of the world and that "courting" is what God wants for us when it comes to relationships. Do yourself a favor and read the following books, "Choosing God's Best" and "Lady In Waiting".

It will save you tons of pain and suffering.



georgerobbyjr -> RE: What should i do? (7/8/2008 11:46:37 PM)

How easy it is to tell you that you shouldn't have had sex. I wonder how many in these forums were actually virgins until their wedding day (kudos to those that made it). I'm not sure breaking up with her solves the problem. What will you do the next time you date someone, or what will she do? If you really are crazy about her, and she is a believer, perhaps you can set certain bounderies. Spend more time out together, try not to be alone in her house or yours. I'm not sure running away or breaking up is the answer.



deermousie -> RE: What should i do? (7/9/2008 12:28:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ

musicboy...your story is one of the many reasons why people in your age group and stage of life shouldn't date. Seriously, what's the point of having a girlfriend at your age if you are not in a position to get married? You both need to stay apart and get your focus on God before you cause something to happen that will shipwreck your future.

quote:

I felt so bad because i know she loves me and shes willing to do anything for us to stay together but I don't know what i should do.


This is not how mature love behaves according to the Bible. Neither of you are at a point where you are mature enough to have a godly relationship and you've proven this over and over again. Do not date until you are mature enough to get married. Do you really want to have to sit down with your future spouse (likely not this girl) some day and explain this behavior to her?


I agree with this totally. It's wise advice, Musicboy; please use it.

I think most people would enjoy being able to have sex with anyone who looked good, but it would wreck people's lives. So we have "hedges" to protect us from doing just whatever we want. One is knowing God's Word that says don't have sex outside of marriage (and do keep having sex once you are married!). Also don't steal, don't murder, etc. but that's not what we're talking about.

So you need some hedges. First of all, God says don't let fornication (sex before marriage) even be named among Christians. Gal. 5 puts fornication on the list of what people not going to heaven do. The Bible says don't do this - do you read your Bible every day? Are you taking it seriously? It's God's instruction manual to you.

Secondly, where are you that you can have sex? It's not in the living room in front of your parents. So don't go places where you can give in.

Thirdly, yes, I'd break up, and start developing self-discipline. If a person can easily have sex before marriage they could just as easily become an adulterer after marriage. A person who's given in while unmarried can't be trusted to be faithful in marriage*, so this is an important area of your life to get under control. Is there an older man in your church who can disciple you for the next few years?

Please take this seriously - God does. Everything we do has consequences. Chastity is important to God and needs to be important to us if we want to have the mind of Christ and live God's way. Confess your sin if you haven't already, repent (turn around and go the other way) and thank God for His forgiveness. Build the hedges into your life and don't put yourself in a place where you can be tempted.



Paul says "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, 10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God." 1 Cor. 6:9-11

This is good news! We are sinners but God has forgiven us, and we go on to live lives that are different: less sinful.

Thank you, Musicboy, for your concern about this - you're on the right track to worry about it and take steps to change what's happening. God bless you as you struggle with this and doing life God's way - that has consequences, too, and they are good consequences! Way to fight the good fight - I think you will do well and I am praying for you tonight. Bully for you! [:)]


* This doesn't mean every person who has blown their chastity before marriage will become an adulterer, it just means that if they are that uncaring about living God's way they more easily can commit adultery - and thus are a bigger risk. Some people who've given up their chastity before marriage have an "oh, no, what have I done - God please forgive me!" reaction, and go on to live faithful lives: no more sex before marriage, and no adultery after marriage."



whisper -> RE: What should i do? (7/10/2008 4:35:22 AM)

Folks, now that they *have* made this error, are believers, and from the OPs post, appear to love each other, is there any obligation to try to "make right" the situation and work toward marriage instead of a break up because of overwhelming temptation?

I ask this honestly.



fluffmonkey -> RE: What should i do? (7/10/2008 11:51:40 AM)

you already know what you did was sin, and you know that if your back togther things will continue like they were...so right now take time and focus on God and He will help guide you.

Then after taking time to get back to the heart of worship and surround your self with God's word and if you still feel that this one for you then you should get married



deermousie -> RE: What should i do? (7/10/2008 2:31:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: whisper

Folks, now that they *have* made this error, are believers, and from the OPs post, appear to love each other, is there any obligation to try to "make right" the situation and work toward marriage instead of a break up because of overwhelming temptation?

I ask this honestly.


Excellent question, Whisper. I'll give you an honest answer.

When people commit sin against God (and fornication - sex before marriage - is a sin against God first because He has clearly said in Scripture to not do it. In several places) then their walk with God is not based on their knowledge of Scripture and maturity of their faith. They are weak and undeveloped spiritually. This is not an insult but merely an evaluation of their spiritual growth. We all start out there. A person who grabs what looks good but wasn't given to them is capable of seeing other things that look good and may grab them when God hasn't given that to them, either. Think of a little kid in a candy store. Their parents have to train them about possessions and honorable ways to get some of their own. I would be concerned about a person who was involved in fornication because they might do other destructive things without realizing that it is hurtful to themselves and others.

So at this point, I think their job (if you want to call it that) is to drop the relationship or put it on a back burner, and focus on growing in grace. They'll do that by being in the Bible daily and soaking up what God says they are (sinners), how to deal with it (1 John 1: 8,9 for instance), receive God's forgiveness and grace, and train themselves to spiritual maturity (able to discern good and evil. Fornication is selfish, against God's plan, can bring great destruction to the people involved and others, and is not good). Getting mentored by mature Christians and being involved with and accountable to a good church helps enormously.

When a person is mature enough to discern what is evil and avoid it, can tell themself "no", deals with their sins (recognizes what is sin and turns from it), fervently loves the brethren (and we Christians are mostly unloveable, so that love comes from God through each other) and lives in a way that demonstrates they are trusting God (no manipulation, sweet spirit in dealing with hardship, no anger, knowing the hard times will end up in good) and in His promises (gotta read the Bible to find out what those promises are), then they are well on their way to living God's way and able to be guided by Him (because they've learned to listen to Him) and can recognize a person that God has given to them for a mate. They can marry in honor.

To marry now would be legitimizing their passion without doing the growing that would protect that marriage from assaults from the world and their own flesh (married people can be hit on by attractive others and need to be able to say "no." So be able to say "no" before the wedding ever happens). The thrill dies down from a waterfall to a deep, smooth rolling river over the years, so to marry only for the waterfall means people could be constantly in search of a new one. You see it in Hollywood. Look at Zsa Zsa. I'm not saying the OP is guilty of this, but they are at greater risk until they have better self-control because of a more mature spiritual walk. So to protect their marriage, I'd advise them to part for a while, put great effort into their spiritual maturity (maybe several years), and then ask God if they are to marry each other. They'll be better able to hear the "yes" or "no."

May God bless the two people, give them grace and maturity and a long happy life together if it's God's will. I'm guessing it will be.



allisonbrett -> RE: What should i do? (7/10/2008 3:09:58 PM)

Musicboy, I'll refrain from preaching or reminding you that God commands us to save sex until marriage. You already know that and have been told repeatedly. [:D] You need to learn to ask forgiveness and be forgiven. God forgives and we need to be able to accept His forgivness and not allow guilt to rule our lives. You can vow to remain pure from here on out though and not repeat them.

Breaking up with this girl may not be the answer. It will only remove temptation to fall back into what has become habits but only with this girl. If you date someone new there will the same temptations but a different girl.

I can't say I agree with NOT dating before you're ready for marriage. We need to understand that there are millions of types of people in this world. We can't really get to know the type person we want for a lifetime partner without getting to know people. But I do agree that serious dating should be reserved for a time when you are more prepared.

If you truly care for your gf and she cares for you then before you decide to break up and break her heart and possibly your own set some boundaries on your relationship. There are many steps you can take to remain pure. We all make mistakes and can learn from them. Make a vow to only be together in groups. Spend no time alone! EVER!! It's hard to fall into temptation when you in a crowded mall or a group of friends at a restaurant. Avoid any talk of sex, movies or even music that promote it. Set boundaries on any kind of physical touching. You shouldn't even consider 2nd base here much less leaving 1st. Find an accountability partner to hold you to your vows. Maybe someone at church, in your dorm, a close friend, mentor, etc. Also, find a godly mentor that you can spiritually grow and learn from.

If you are unwilling or unable to stay within the boundaries you set then I suggest you vow to not have a gf until you are ready to commit to purity and those boundaries.

Since our culture today is so sexually permissive it is tougher to remain pure but not impossible. I do suggest that before you decided to become someone to someone else, be someone first. At this point in your life, become who you want to become. Set your priorities correctly and you'll find that life goes a bit easier.

Blessings.



preserved -> RE: What should i do? (7/10/2008 3:33:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: whisper

Folks, now that they *have* made this error, are believers, and from the OPs post, appear to love each other, is there any obligation to try to "make right" the situation and work toward marriage instead of a break up because of overwhelming temptation?

I ask this honestly.


Not unless they are planning to marry real soon...based upon the op open comment...they are unable to stop the intimacy.....Sound like the OP really wants to do the right thing...but not too much is being said on how the girlfriend feels about working thing right in this...



TorchHeart -> RE: What should i do? (7/10/2008 4:53:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: georgerobbyjr

How easy it is to tell you that you shouldn't have had sex. I wonder how many in these forums were actually virgins until their wedding day (kudos to those that made it). I'm not sure breaking up with her solves the problem. What will you do the next time you date someone, or what will she do? If you really are crazy about her, and she is a believer, perhaps you can set certain bounderies. Spend more time out together, try not to be alone in her house or yours. I'm not sure running away or breaking up is the answer.


BEST ANSWER SO FAR! I agree.

This isn't saying that the OP and his girlfriend ARE meant to be with one another, but if they simply run away from the situation while still feeling this connection for one another, I don't think they're doing justice to themselves, either.

You need to sit down (both by yourself and with your girlfriend) and think about whether you want to continue with the relationship, what your feelings are for one another, and if you can maintain it while keeping God involved and following His instructions for you. By doing this, you don't need to be saying that you're going to marry one another, but you are going to commit to one another and to God to do what is right in this relationship for however long it lasts.

BTW: And be careful... both with yourself and one another's feelings, as well as with your dedication to God.



shadowspring -> RE: What should i do? (7/10/2008 6:19:50 PM)

Hmmm, I would think about your relationship in these terms.

Does she help you in your walk with God? Does she help you with your personal life goals? Does she help you become a better you? Do you help her in these ways?

You don't seem to be really much help to each other in your walk with God at least. Don't know about the rest.

Think about it hard. Marriage is forever. If you don't want to marry her, then you should make a clean break of it. It won't ever get any easier.

If you do want to marry her, then you two should start planning a wedding as soon as possible, because there's no putting the genie back in the bottle, if you know what I mean.



Dancre -> RE: What should i do? (7/10/2008 11:08:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: musicboy

I am 19 years old and I am currently in college. Almost a year ago, last August, i met a girl who i really liked. We talked on the phone everyday and started dating a few weeks later. We got really close and i was trying to keep our God in our relationship by reading the bible and having small devotionals together. But after a while the devotionals stopped and we would rather just be close to each other physically. We got closer and closer until at about 5 months of seeing each other we had sex. I felt so bad. She felt bad too. But we couldn't stop and everytime we tried to stop it only lasted for a little while before we did it again. She told me that we should stop and i agreed but we couldn't. It had been 10 months since we first got together and i told her that we should break up. She said we could fix things we could stay together and be better. But she had said that before and i didnt know wat to do. So i broke up with her. I felt so bad because i know she loves me and shes willing to do anything for us to stay together but I don't know what i should do. I need advice. Its been a couple days since I broke up with her and I want to get back with her but I feel like if I do we will do it again and so i don't know what i should do. I have asked God for forgiveness because i know i sinned. But right now I need advice. Please help me out.


I hate to tell you this, kiddo, but you and her just didn't fall into bed together, you CHOSE to sleep together, so you need to take responsibility for it instead of saying, we couldn't stop. You have the power to stop, it's called saying no, making sure you're not alone together, not kissing, not touching. You want to get together, good. Take responsibility and say, no, instead of we can't help it. Being an adult means taking responsibility for one's actions. If this happened once, it WILL happen again with her or someone else. You can still get back together with her, BUT make sure you don't kiss, touch, or be alone in the house with her. What will you do if she gets pregnant? Make a plan on what to do, tell her and follow it. It's time to grow up and be responsible for your actions.

kim



TorchHeart -> RE: What should i do? (7/11/2008 1:16:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dancre

You can still get back together with her, BUT make sure you don't kiss, touch, or be alone in the house with her. What will you do if she gets pregnant?

kim


I agree completely with your post, with the exception of this line. I get the "don't be alone in the house with her" bit, but aren't we going just a LITTLE bit too extreme with no kissing or touching at all? I mean seriously... if they're going to date, there has to be a little passion/romance.



deermousie -> RE: What should i do? (7/12/2008 7:24:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL:
...aren't we going just a LITTLE bit too extreme with no kissing or touching at all? I mean seriously... if they're going to date, there has to be a little passion/romance.


That's what our secular culture believes. But Scripture clearly says that it is not good for a man to touch a woman. 1 Cor. 7: 1,2 Is God too extreme? The context of those verses is avoiding sexual immorality: fornication. Sex before marriage.

Isn't the main point of the OP how to avoid sexual immorality? The Bible tells us point blank: don't touch a woman. No passion.

Dating isn't in the Bible, and God says it's not good for a man to touch a woman. What does that leave us with? Getting an education, getting a job, then finding a wife and marrying her in honor.



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