How would you handle this? (Full Version)

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cheeky_monkey -> How would you handle this? (6/30/2008 2:58:21 AM)

This week was VBS, which ended tonight. My 13-year-old daughter left in tears tonight because 8 out of the 9 kids in her VBS class were calling her fat and one may have spit in her drink. I had called her over to me for a second (during snacks after the closing ceremonies) and when she went back and started drinking her drink the kids began asking her if her drink tasted any different then would laugh. The reason she thinks someone spit in it is because she saw a girl do it to another girl the night before only that girl didn't drink it or make a big deal of it because the two were friends. It was during this time that they were calling her fat. Not that it matters at all, but she isn't fat. She just isn't as super skinny as the other girls.

Anyway, she was so humiliated she basically ran home without telling anyone she was leaving. When I got home I found her sobbing. She has a condition called alopecia. She lost her hair three years ago and now wears a wig. She has faced a lot of rejection due to this, and church was the one place she felt accepted. That's gone for her. She won't go back to VBS next year, and is strongly considering missing youth camp next week because most of these kids will be there and she will have no choice but to be with them. She says she doesn't even want to go back to our church because she's so humiliated.

One of the kids involved in this is the son of the woman who basically heads VBS. I don't know any of the parents of the other kids and don't even think any of the parents go to church. I feel I need to talk to someone about this. Should I talk just to the lady in charge, or should I also go to the pastor? I want to go through the proper people to deal with this, although I'm not exactly sure if anything can be done. All I know is her heart is broken and she wants nothing to do with the programs she once loved because too many of the mean kids will be there.

Thanks for reading and for any advice you can give.

Lucy



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: How would you handle this? (6/30/2008 3:36:32 AM)

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))

First of all, this brings back memories of my youth.

It would be nice to think that the church of all places would be a place where kids weren't picked on and mistreated, wouldn't it? But, sadly that isn't always the case.

I am so sorry this happened to your daughter, and I will say more, but I must close now, because it is way past my bedtime.



Hislittleone -> RE: How would you handle this? (6/30/2008 4:14:06 AM)

It's absolutely appalling that this happened to your daughter, and at church of all places. [:o] My son used to get teased at school. Kids can be so cruel to each other.

I would definitely address this issue with the VBS director. If my son were a part of something like this I would want to know so that we could talk with and discipline him accordingly.

Where were the adults during all of this? Why didn't anyone notice and step in to correct this behavior? Also, is this a church where you are a member or regular attender?

Aside from the teasing, spitting in another person's drink is a health hazard. It's a great way to spread all kinds of nasty germs. That's not something that anyone should be doing, child nor adult. [:'(]



rcorson -> RE: How would you handle this? (6/30/2008 4:53:02 AM)

Since there was more than one child picking on mine, in this case, the grizzly bear (mama-bear) in me would come out (it comes out regardless of the numbers). I would go straight to the VBS director AND the pastor to let them know what happened and to let them know I would be going to the district office for that demonination if nothing was done about the incident or I saw or heard of it happening again. Then I would leave the church and find a new one. I'm the type that I would prefer to teach my child how to deal with it but in this case, she was outnumbered and that's where its our job to step in and help.

It's pretty sad that the supervision was so poor that they didn't notice the 8 kids picking on her. [:o]

Kids should be able to view church as a safe place to be, not one where they would be bullied. Sorry your daughter had to go through that. I hope that you can find a good church where she will be accepted.



BlessedMamaofmany -> RE: How would you handle this? (6/30/2008 6:55:56 AM)

I agree with PPs...where the heck were the adults?
I would absolutely go to the VBS director. Also to the pastor, because this is an issue that is obviously bigger than just VBS. The pastor needs to know what happened.
As far as your daughter...so sad. I wish I could give her a hug and tell her it's okay. I was teased in just as cruely when I was young.
Good luck.
sandy



manda59 -> RE: How would you handle this? (6/30/2008 7:06:09 AM)

The first thing I'd suggest you do is go to the leader of the VBS and ask her if she noticed anything going on. Then tell her what your daughter said happened and see what she says. I personally find it strange that no-one appeared to notice what was going on, and wonder if it means that the event was not properly supervised. If the leader listens to you (and she may want to get her son's version first) all well and good; if not, then I'd suggest you go to your pastor.

I was also wondering, if it has been so bad this week, why your daughter didn't say anything to you before. If she had told you earlier in the week, then you could have done something. Also, why, if you were at the VBS event, she left on her own without telling you that anything was wrong. I don't know how far the VBS event is from your home, but I would have been cross with my daughter if at 13 she'd gone off on her own without telling me, even if she was upset.

quote:

ORIGINAL: cheeky_monkey
She has faced a lot of rejection due to this, and church was the one place she felt accepted. That's gone for her.


How come? Are these the only young people in the church you attend?
What about the one child who wasn't mean to her - is it a girl or a boy? Is there any way this one and your dd could become friends and face the meanies together?

quote:


She won't go back to VBS next year


I am curious as to why a decision is being made this far ahead. A lot can happen in the next year, and whilst I can understand there being some upset over this, I think it's important not to encourage a victim mentality and a negative outlook.

quote:


and is strongly considering missing youth camp next week because most of these kids will be there and she will have no choice but to be with them.


Find out the list of who is going, and see if there is someone else your daughter can hang out with.

quote:


She says she doesn't even want to go back to our church because she's so humiliated.


So your whole family would stop going to that church just because she's had a bad experience?
Whilst I sympathise and empathise, I don't think it's going to help your daughter to run away from the problem.

It's unfortunate that your daughter has alopecia - but it's important that she doesn't hide herself away because of it. My dd has a friend who had cancer (she is in remission now) and has had several courses of chemo, which means she lost her hair. Some kids were of course mean about it, but she just learned to ignore them and to hang out with people who weren't so mean. Teasing isn't nice, but it's a fact of life, and I don't think running away from this problem is going to solve it.

Maybe, if the VBS leader is willing, there could be a sit down meeting with these others, where it could be explained to them about how hurtful it is to exclude someone or make them feel different.
It might just be ignorance on their part - they may not have stopped to think how it would feel if it was happening to them.

Overall, I honestly think it would be better to work on trying to give your daughter a voice, rather than letting her run away from it all. Their behaviour is unacceptable, but all through life she is going to meet others who behaviour is unacceptable too, and I personally think that the answer is to ENABLE her to deal with such things, rather than wrapping her in cotton wool and protecting her from them.



BlessedMamaofmany -> RE: How would you handle this? (6/30/2008 7:09:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59

The first thing I'd suggest you do is go to the leader of the VBS and ask her if she noticed anything going on. Then tell her what your daughter said happened and see what she says. I personally find it strange that no-one appeared to notice what was going on, and wonder if it means that the event was not properly supervised. If the leader listens to you (and she may want to get her daughter's version first) all well and good; if not, then I'd suggest you go to your pastor.

I was also wondering, if it has been so bad this week, why your daughter didn't say anything to you before. If she had told you earlier in the week, then you could have done something. Also, why, if you were at the VBS event, she left on her own without telling you that anything was wrong. I don't know how far the VBS event is from your home, but I would have been cross with my daughter if at 13 she'd gone off on her own without telling me, even if she was upset.

quote:

ORIGINAL: cheeky_monkey
She has faced a lot of rejection due to this, and church was the one place she felt accepted. That's gone for her.


How come? Are these the only young people in the church you attend?
What about the one child who wasn't mean to her - is it a girl or a boy? Is there any way this one and your dd could become friends and face the meanies together?

quote:


She won't go back to VBS next year


I am curious as to why a decision is being made this far ahead. A lot can happen in the next year, and whilst I can understand there being some upset over this, I think it's important not to encourage a victim mentality and a negative outlook.

quote:


and is strongly considering missing youth camp next week because most of these kids will be there and she will have no choice but to be with them.


Find out the list of who is going, and see if there is someone else your daughter can hang out with.

quote:


She says she doesn't even want to go back to our church because she's so humiliated.


So your whole family would stop going to that church just because she's had a bad experience?
Whilst I sympathise and empathise, I don't think it's going to help your daughter to run away from the problem.

It's unfortunate that your daughter has alopecia - but it's important that she doesn't hide herself away because of it. My dd has a friend who had cancer (she is in remission now) and has had several courses of chemo, which means she lost her hair. Some kids were of course mean about it, but she just learned to ignore them and to hang out with people who weren't so mean. Teasing isn't nice, but it's a fact of life, and I don't think running away from this problem is going to solve it.

Maybe, if the VBS leader is willing, there could be a sit down meeting with these others, where it could be explained to them about how hurtful it is to exclude someone or make them feel different.
It might just be ignorance on their part - they may not have stopped to think how it would feel if it was happening to them.

Overall, I honestly think it would be better to work on trying to give your daughter a voice, rather than letting her run away from it all. Their behaviour is unacceptable, but all through life she is going to meet others who behaviour is unacceptable too, and I personally think that the answer is to ENABLE her to deal with such things, rather than wrapping her in cotton wool and protecting her from them.



WAY TO GO Manda! You said everything I wanted to say, but wasn't coherent enough before my coffee to say.
Excellent advice! You've done it again [:D]
Sandy



Sadey -> RE: How would you handle this? (6/30/2008 8:19:58 AM)

Manda gave good advice, even though while I was reading it I still wanted to pinch those kids heads off. The important thing here is your daughter and how to help her handle it.

My favorite thing to do would be to talk to the VBS's directors son and tell him he needed to tell his mother what he had done to your daughter. And if he didn't you would. Let him stew in that for awhile and give him a chance to confess, only give him a time table. Then make sure pastor is at the meeting. Moms can be very defensive.

I had an adopted son and shortly after we got him, two boys at church were picking on him, of course he was not innocent in it either. So I met with the two boys and read the scripture to them about if you have something against a brother to go to him. ect ect. I was very serious with them but not a bit angry and told them that if it didn't stop I would meet with them again and bring someone with me and if that didn't work, I would take it before the church. Then I had prayer with them. These were 12 and 13 year old boys. That was the end of it. My own son got talked to too and the whole thing ended.

So God bless and I'm glad you are such a good mom and are taking this seriously.



MissGizmo -> RE: How would you handle this? (6/30/2008 8:58:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cheeky_monkey

This week was VBS, which ended tonight. My 13-year-old daughter left in tears tonight because 8 out of the 9 kids in her VBS class were calling her fat and one may have spit in her drink. I had called her over to me for a second (during snacks after the closing ceremonies) and when she went back and started drinking her drink the kids began asking her if her drink tasted any different then would laugh. The reason she thinks someone spit in it is because she saw a girl do it to another girl the night before only that girl didn't drink it or make a big deal of it because the two were friends. It was during this time that they were calling her fat. Not that it matters at all, but she isn't fat. She just isn't as super skinny as the other girls.

Anyway, she was so humiliated she basically ran home without telling anyone she was leaving. When I got home I found her sobbing. She has a condition called alopecia. She lost her hair three years ago and now wears a wig. She has faced a lot of rejection due to this, and church was the one place she felt accepted. That's gone for her. She won't go back to VBS next year, and is strongly considering missing youth camp next week because most of these kids will be there and she will have no choice but to be with them. She says she doesn't even want to go back to our church because she's so humiliated.

One of the kids involved in this is the son of the woman who basically heads VBS. I don't know any of the parents of the other kids and don't even think any of the parents go to church. I feel I need to talk to someone about this. Should I talk just to the lady in charge, or should I also go to the pastor? I want to go through the proper people to deal with this, although I'm not exactly sure if anything can be done. All I know is her heart is broken and she wants nothing to do with the programs she once loved because too many of the mean kids will be there.

Thanks for reading and for any advice you can give.

Lucy


Please, give your daughter this from me.

(((((((((((( Hug ))))))))))))



IonMoon -> RE: How would you handle this? (6/30/2008 9:00:42 AM)

This is heart breaking to me.

I think if I were the mom in this type of situation, what I would want to see is not punishment or even the incident being brought up (because I think that would make the kids resentful, could make things worse)... but for the leaders to acknowledge the problem and take action to combat this.

I would want my dd to go for the camp, but only if I knew there was going to be CLOSE and constant supervision, a means for my dd to contact me if she needed to, and an active plan to work on the hearts of all of these kids to understand how teasing/bullying hurts people, to get to know each other/break up cliques, to really get to the heart of the problem and help all of these kids find healing.

I find so many church kid's programs are really just poorly supervised play... The "education" is often kind of shallow, etc. I think things have been watered down over the years, because they want to make sure it is fun so kids will come in. I'm all for fun, but there should be hard work along with it.

For me, the important thing is that for something like this to happen in a church, the children's program is failing big time. Addressing this incident is a bandaid. They need to address the underlying problems that led up to it.

Tara P



cheeky_monkey -> RE: How would you handle this? (6/30/2008 12:14:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone

It's absolutely appalling that this happened to your daughter, and at church of all places. [:o] My son used to get teased at school. Kids can be so cruel to each other.

I would definitely address this issue with the VBS director. If my son were a part of something like this I would want to know so that we could talk with and discipline him accordingly.

Where were the adults during all of this? Why didn't anyone notice and step in to correct this behavior? Also, is this a church where you are a member or regular attender?

Aside from the teasing, spitting in another person's drink is a health hazard. It's a great way to spread all kinds of nasty germs. That's not something that anyone should be doing, child nor adult. [:'(]


There were adults spread out everywhere, but nobody in particular saw this happen. VBS was over, so kids were sitting either with each other or with their families if that makes sense. It wasn't any of the adults' fault. It was a very crowded room with a lot of noise. I just want it handled in some way. I'm so upset that she may not feel comfortable enough to do what she enjoys doing (VBS and youth camp) anymore while the other kids continue on as if nothing happened. As far as the spitting, I'm extremely disgusted. It literally makes me nauseous when I think about it. I know the kids aren't going to fess up to this and will likely say it was just a joke, but I believe it happened.



cheeky_monkey -> RE: How would you handle this? (6/30/2008 12:17:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rcorson

Since there was more than one child picking on mine, in this case, the grizzly bear (mama-bear) in me would come out (it comes out regardless of the numbers). I would go straight to the VBS director AND the pastor to let them know what happened and to let them know I would be going to the district office for that demonination if nothing was done about the incident or I saw or heard of it happening again. Then I would leave the church and find a new one. I'm the type that I would prefer to teach my child how to deal with it but in this case, she was outnumbered and that's where its our job to step in and help.

It's pretty sad that the supervision was so poor that they didn't notice the 8 kids picking on her. [:o]

Kids should be able to view church as a safe place to be, not one where they would be bullied. Sorry your daughter had to go through that. I hope that you can find a good church where she will be accepted.


I was also there and only four or five tables away. I can tell you that the kids were very quiet about it because for part of this I was actually watching and didn't even notice what was going on because they were keeping it quiet so as to not draw attention. On top of that, there was a lot of noise and commotion afterward. VBS was over at this point, and the kids were no longer grouped up with leaders. They all chose to sit together away from the adults. I don't blame the adults for this, but I want it dealt with in some way.



cheeky_monkey -> RE: How would you handle this? (6/30/2008 12:31:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59

The first thing I'd suggest you do is go to the leader of the VBS and ask her if she noticed anything going on. Then tell her what your daughter said happened and see what she says. I personally find it strange that no-one appeared to notice what was going on, and wonder if it means that the event was not properly supervised. If the leader listens to you (and she may want to get her son's version first) all well and good; if not, then I'd suggest you go to your pastor.

I was also wondering, if it has been so bad this week, why your daughter didn't say anything to you before. If she had told you earlier in the week, then you could have done something. Also, why, if you were at the VBS event, she left on her own without telling you that anything was wrong. I don't know how far the VBS event is from your home, but I would have been cross with my daughter if at 13 she'd gone off on her own without telling me, even if she was upset.

quote:

ORIGINAL: cheeky_monkey
She has faced a lot of rejection due to this, and church was the one place she felt accepted. That's gone for her.


How come? Are these the only young people in the church you attend?
What about the one child who wasn't mean to her - is it a girl or a boy? Is there any way this one and your dd could become friends and face the meanies together?

quote:


She won't go back to VBS next year


I am curious as to why a decision is being made this far ahead. A lot can happen in the next year, and whilst I can understand there being some upset over this, I think it's important not to encourage a victim mentality and a negative outlook.

quote:


and is strongly considering missing youth camp next week because most of these kids will be there and she will have no choice but to be with them.


Find out the list of who is going, and see if there is someone else your daughter can hang out with.

quote:


She says she doesn't even want to go back to our church because she's so humiliated.


So your whole family would stop going to that church just because she's had a bad experience?
Whilst I sympathise and empathise, I don't think it's going to help your daughter to run away from the problem.

It's unfortunate that your daughter has alopecia - but it's important that she doesn't hide herself away because of it. My dd has a friend who had cancer (she is in remission now) and has had several courses of chemo, which means she lost her hair. Some kids were of course mean about it, but she just learned to ignore them and to hang out with people who weren't so mean. Teasing isn't nice, but it's a fact of life, and I don't think running away from this problem is going to solve it.

Maybe, if the VBS leader is willing, there could be a sit down meeting with these others, where it could be explained to them about how hurtful it is to exclude someone or make them feel different.
It might just be ignorance on their part - they may not have stopped to think how it would feel if it was happening to them.

Overall, I honestly think it would be better to work on trying to give your daughter a voice, rather than letting her run away from it all. Their behaviour is unacceptable, but all through life she is going to meet others who behaviour is unacceptable too, and I personally think that the answer is to ENABLE her to deal with such things, rather than wrapping her in cotton wool and protecting her from them.



The week wasn't entirely bad. The first night was bad because she was excluded but not teased. She was given the option to not go back, but she chose to go back because the ringleader wasn't going to be there the next night. Turns out she was there, but the second night was much better. None of the nights were horrible for her after the first night. She had a few issues but nothing too bad. It was last night after it wrapped up where all this took place.

We dealt with her leaving on her own. That had nothing to do with what happened in the church, so I didn't address it here. She was disciplined.

The girl who was nice to her isn't a member of our church and was there just for VBS. There may be a few other kids in her age group in the church, but I don't think they regularly attend youth events.

I'm not encouraging a victim mentality. She wanted to leave after the first night and now wishes she did. She said she can't believe she thought they were her friends. Perhaps she will change her mind, and I hope she does. I know her well enough to know there's a good chance she won't.

No, I would NOT stop going to our church because of this. I never said I would. I only said SHE doesn't WANT to go back (not yelling just stressing).

After what happened tonight, I won't force her to do things where this group of kids will be pretty much the only other kids around her. I know what it's like to be picked on and be forced into that situation every day. It doesn't always make you stronger. Sometimes it just makes you feel powerless. She didn't want to do VBS at all this year because she knew her friends wouldn't be there and she'd be with a group she wasn't "in" with. I forced her to go that first night, and I feel partially responsible even though she had the option to not go back the second night.

She's a strong girl. Don't mistake what I've written. When she has a support group around her she stands up for herself, but when she's greatly outnumbered it's a while other story.



cheeky_monkey -> RE: How would you handle this? (6/30/2008 12:37:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rainbowtvp

This is heart breaking to me.

I think if I were the mom in this type of situation, what I would want to see is not punishment or even the incident being brought up (because I think that would make the kids resentful, could make things worse)... but for the leaders to acknowledge the problem and take action to combat this.



This is what I want. I told her this morning at the very least I want the church to know what happened so they can make sure the supervision is better even at the wrap-up party.

She is still undecided on camp, and I do hope she goes. I know it isn't supervised entirely. They do have time without adults right there next to them. They're not allowed to call unless it's an emergency because the camp is a good drive away and they don't want to encourage homesickness. This is one of their strict rules.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I'm going to call the VBS director today and possibly the pastor too and let them know what happened. I'm not anticipating much discipline among the kids because some don't even attend our church, and others rarely show up. Only one or two are there on a regular basis.



sen10tious -> RE: How would you handle this? (6/30/2008 3:17:46 PM)

Sometimes it is hard to tell, especially when it is such and emotional thing in the first place, where the line falls that divides over-reacting from corrective action.

I think you can and should do a pre-emptive strike about the church camp though. Is this is a sleep-over camp?

I did not know what alopecia is and had to google it. I would make sure her camp counselor & camp nurse had a heads-up on what happened at VBS. Teasing happens to everyone, regardless of medical conditions, but, Yes, I am saying you ought to “tattle” on the girls that teased her at VBS so the camp staff can be watching for problems. If possible, request that she be put in a different group/cabin/tent/tribe (whatever divisions they use.) This can be done privately before the campers even arrive so the campers won’t really be aware of anything unusual. This is a ‘forewarned is forearmed thing,’ and if the camp staff is any good, they will be able to use the situation to teach the other campers about having regard for other’s feelings, and teasing in general. A well-run camp usually has a teasing/bullying policy that they cover on the first day. I’d ask the camp staff what their policy is beforehand. (Call today!)

If it were my daughter, I’d also be a little bit tough with her and expect her to give camp a fair chance. But I wouldn’t leave her feeling overwhelmed either, so I’d also tell her that VBS is not camp and that she shouldn't miss out on fear of what "might" happen, but that if it does happen again, then (insert whatever back-up you need, including the option of bringing her home) so she won’t feel helpless.



manda59 -> RE: How would you handle this? (6/30/2008 6:59:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cheeky_monkey
No, I would NOT stop going to our church because of this. I never said I would. I only said SHE doesn't WANT to go back (not yelling just stressing).


I didn't see how a child could leave a church without one or both parents having to stay behind at home with her at service times.

Though if my children had been unhappy at church, I have to say we, as a family, would find a new church where they were happy (we chose our present church with our children's happiness in mind, so if they had ever become unhappy, we'd all have moved churches).

quote:


I know what it's like to be picked on and be forced into that situation every day.


Were you bullied as a child? (I was btw, and never told my parents a thing)



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