Problem with step-daughter (Full Version)

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bcraig927 -> Problem with step-daughter (6/18/2008 2:20:40 PM)

I have a nineteen year old step-daughter that lives at home because of mandates and other personal reasons. The other day I was driving home on father's day and my wife, 17 year old step-daughter and my nineteen year old were in the vehicle. My 19yr old wanted to go to a friend's house but I realilzed at the time that she needed to take care of some very important business at home. My spouse insisted to let her go. I realize I should have let this go and pick my own battles but I realize now I made a mistake by trying to overpower my wife's decision. Anyway, it only got worse and I let my spouse drive. As we were going to take my 19yr old to her friend's house, my 19yr old called me obscene names that I would not repeat. The lack of respect continued including name calling, so I slapped her arm. She then hit me about four times and I called the police. I felt the need to defend myself and keep things from escalating so I called 911. The police helped sort things out but my wife continues blaming me for the whole thing. Her father and some of her family thought it was ridiculous that I called the police. I have stated several times that I felt threatened and needed to make the call. There have been no charges pressed or tickets issued. The question is, did I have a right to call the police? My wife thinks we should have pulled over and talked it out but it kept escalating. This forum has been very helpful in resolving certain things. My wife and I are doing counseling. We went today.



bcraig927 -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/18/2008 2:29:28 PM)

By the way, there were no injuiries. We all simply needed space.



MyMasquerade -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/18/2008 3:24:46 PM)

You hit her first then because she hit you back - which by the way you don't have the right to hit a 19 year old, you called the police. If I were her I would have had you put in jail.



bcraig927 -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/18/2008 3:49:58 PM)

I only slapped her arm. I did not call her any names or was disrespectful to her. I only wanted her behavior and name calling to stop. She hit me four times. She nor I pressed charges. This almost comes under the spare the rod spoil the child????????



Brandy -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/18/2008 3:53:15 PM)

At 19 she isn't a child. She's an adult and it could be considered domestic violence if the police wanted to pursue it.

I don't think slapping her arm was an appropriate response, but neither was her attacking you. I also don't think I would have called the police. I would have instead demanded a family meeting after talking with mom in private and would be setting down some rules.

She's an adult, that means you treat her as one and she acts like one. If neither of you can handle her being an adult, I woudl include her in the counseling you and your wife are receiving. I probably also would be trying to help/guide her into finding a place to live, as an adult.



evryknee -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/18/2008 5:09:58 PM)

Is the 19 yr old your daughter or a step-daughter? Usu., the bio. parents should make the decision (unless step-parenting for a long time) - though the bio. parent should make the decision on the yeah's & neah's. Though she is 19. It was also Father's Day.

I agree with the above posters that hitting her was not the right thing to do. Calling the police didn't help either (though understand the frustration). I think you can accept responsibility for escalating the argument by hitting her, calling the police, and maybe not making expectations clearer with your wife about your desires for Father's Day (If this had anything to do with you saying no). To answer your question: You have the right to call police whenever you are assaulted...and so did your daughter (even a slap on the arm) - but it isn't always the best thing to do. Maybe in counseling you will be able to figure out other ways.

Your wife, on the other hand, needs to take responsibility for not correcting her daughter (if that's her bio. daughter).



PrincessDonna -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/18/2008 5:53:41 PM)

Making her get out and walk might have been reasonable at her age and following verbal abuse. Slapping her was not.

How are you to help train teens to be adults if you are not acting like an adult? Sparing the rod has nothing to do with any 19 year old, biological or step child.



Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/18/2008 11:26:10 PM)

I am completely stunned that you would even entertain slapping this woman! You need anger management training along with training in human relations. You were wrong, you owe her, her mother, and your own daughter an apology as well as to sit down with all three of them to talk this out, so that you can figure out where you went wrong and how they think you should have responded (instead of reacted).

My husband is my daughter's stepfather. I just told him this story, and his jaw dropped. I asked him, "Would you have considered slapping her?" He responded, "No!"



pbaribeault -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/19/2008 10:28:16 AM)

Anybody has the "right" to call the police if a crime is occurring... which it was.

That doesn't make it wise.

I think it was a foolish choice made out of anger, pride and confusion.

Your best choice would have been to remove yourself from a situation where everyone, including yourself, was very nearly beyond control.

That means you could have pulled over at a gas station, store or resteraunt, handed over the keys and gotten out of the vehicle. Taking your wallet and your cell phone would have allowed you to have a coffee, read a paper, catch a bus, call a taxi, go home and do your important business... Whatever you needed to do, without having to take your agitation out on those around you,

In situations like this the most responsible, calming and free-ing thoughts are these: "My feet belong to me. My hands belong to me. My mouth belongs to me."



bcraig927 -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/19/2008 8:53:08 PM)

Your best choice would have been to remove yourself from a situation where everyone, including yourself, was very nearly beyond control.

That means you could have pulled over at a gas station, store or resteraunt, handed over the keys and gotten out of the vehicle. Taking your wallet and your cell phone would have allowed you to have a coffee, read a paper, catch a bus, call a taxi, go home and do your important business... Whatever you needed to do, without having to take your agitation out on those around you,

In situations like this the most responsible, calming and free-ing thoughts are these: "My feet belong to me. My hands belong to me. My mouth belongs to me."

VERY WELL SAID. THANK YOU!



truthrevealed -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/19/2008 9:30:33 PM)

I guess because you are male I feel that you should not have hit her. In anger you could have seriously hurt her but where I'm from no CHILD (and yes at nineteen she's an adult) but as a step-CHILD.... no child DARE curse me or anyone who is an elder out. If she's THAT grown then she has to learn what happens to grown people when they act a fool.
Whew.........that being said, I agree the better thing would have been to pull over, even if you had to walk the block just to gather yourself from such DISRESPECT!



pbaribeault -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/19/2008 10:01:04 PM)

Since you appreciated my comment, I might go so far as to give a bit of advice on the over-all situation...

This young woman has an inter-relationship with you based on 3 factors.

(1) You provide for her housing, and probably other things.
(2) You are married to her mother.
(3) Whatever history has formed a foundation for your relationship.

This being the case, neither (2) nor (3) gives you any sort of authority over her. (1) gives you a positional authority that extends to her behaviour in your home and behaviour that effects your household. This authority has behind it only the concept that you are not obligated to continue to provide for someone that disregards household standards that are agreed on by you & your wife.

That is to say that she certainly would need your permission to do anything that does not involve your house. So I can see why an immature and emotional young woman might become belligerent in the scenario you described, when you acted as if you could dictate where she could go and who she could see.

From your description, your wife also seems to have the perspective that it was a parental decision whether to allow her to visit her friend. Your wife acted permissively probably because she is aware of her daughter's explosive reactions to limits, but she also is under the impression that permission was hers to give.

This conceptualization of the relationship is poison.

It would be healthier for all of you to have your words match the realities of an adult to dependent-young-adult dynamic. The young woman did not need your permission or approval of her plans. She simply wanted you to help her out with transportation. She should be encouraged to ask this as a favour, adult-to-adult, rather than permission.

If she had asked you to do her a favour and drop her off at a friend's, and you could not afford the time, you could have just told her so. There would have been no offensive odour of "You may not." in that conversation... just the facts of you being in a rush. Which probably wouldn't have precipitated such a belligerent response.

Your wife, too, could have responded to your desire to get home ASAP by either supporting you, or by indicating that she wanted you to prioritize her daughter's desires above your own in that scenario. Then you could have discussed why she thought her daughter's social desires were more important than your business obligations. And she would have asked why your business was suddenly so urgent that it couldn't wait 10 minutes longer.

However it fell out, you could have discussed it rather that fought. If it really was urgent, she probably would have agreed to go home with you, then drop her daughter off alone while you did whatever it was. If it really was not, you might have seen yourself as a little selfish and/or over-reactive to the perception of being taken advantage of, and agreed to do the favour for your step-daughter. Or you could have found other solutions. Fair enough, either way.

So, I'd encourage you to begin to operate on a basis of her asking you for favours rather than permission, and I expect that will go a long ways towards diffusing the situation in the everyday sense... although the violence and police calling will take a while to get over no matter what you do. (You do owe her an apology for hitting her. Regardless of what she was saying at the time, you own the things wrong that you did - and hitting people in anger is wrong.)

If she asks your permission to do something, your phrase is, "Of course you are free to do what seems best to you... or are you asking me to do something?"



Row1 -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/20/2008 8:56:47 AM)

you hit a woman?



Szaftoo -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/20/2008 9:52:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bcraig927
I only slapped her arm. I did not call her any names or was disrespectful to her. I only wanted her behavior and name calling to stop. She hit me four times. She nor I pressed charges. This almost comes under the spare the rod spoil the child????????


Hitting her cannot be justified by saying you "only slapped her arm" or saying you "wanted her behavior to change". It is never OK to hit a child or woman. How could you have felt threatened by a 19 year old? What exactly did you think she was capable of? I also think calling 911 was excessive and not necessary.

I think you should have let her go to her friend's house. Whatever it was you wanted her to do at home could have been done later. Your actions sound controlling to me.



Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/20/2008 11:02:00 AM)

I am not going to sit here and claim that what we ended up doing in our relationship was right, but this is what we did.

In my present marriage, we married when my youngest was 12 and his youngest was 17. Things were immediately difficult for the children: mine because they were stunned that I decided to marry after saying I never would again and his because they had just lost their mother a slight year earlier and because of some other issues.

Story short, we learned quickly that we each had to make the decisions for our own children, and the other adult had to stay out of it. Sometimes, when the children are older, this is what must be done.

I strongly suggest, especially now, that you consider doing this. It does not mean that you cannot discuss things together out of the hearing and sight of the children, but perhaps the decisions for the children should come from the birth parent to the child, not the step parent to the child. Learn to bite your tongue.

Once you apologize to your step daughter, your child, and your wife for what you did, let them know that you will never strike any of them again.

I woke with horrifying nightmares this morning because of this thread. Slapping my precious son around in the early morning hours is not my favorite way of waking. I hope that your real-life nightmare of slapping your step daughter, and the memory of it, soon ends.



Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/20/2008 11:23:21 AM)

Well, I just read your two other threads, and wow. You have some major family problems. I am actually feeling sorry for you. That doesn't change the fact that you need to apologize to your step daughter, wife, and daughter for striking your step daughter, but I sure hope they are ALL going to counseling, not just you!

I am completely stunned at what you are putting up with. You should not have lost your cool as stated here, but I understand a little more.

I dare not write more at this time. I am completely disgusted.
_____________________________

No, I will add this much at this point. You need a fun night out -- just you and your birth-daughter and any other birth-children you have. Get out, have some fun, just you and them, and don't make this issue your reason. Just go out and have fun.



Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/20/2008 4:29:17 PM)

bcraig927 --

How are you? Please get back to us.



saraimay75 -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/26/2008 1:54:38 PM)

Not only did you hit a woman but you hit a person that seems to have some problems. And it is the fact that she has problems would be a good reason to not to hit her.



daughter_of_faith -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/27/2008 1:51:19 AM)

This type of behavior is why my stepdaughter was sent to go live with her mother. We refused to tolerate her inconsiderate actions and cursing myself out. It wasn't what we wanted, but we couldn't have the disobedience in our house....

I only bring this up because she's a similar age to your step-daughter (mine will be 18 next month). Thankfully we never had any issues with physically striking one another for any reason...that wouldn't have been allowed....



Ellie-Mae -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/27/2008 5:56:40 PM)

I don't think that you were wrong to call the police. I think that it may have been even the best thing to do.

You are in a difficult position. It was already escalating before you hit your S-D and before she hit you back. Things have been very rocky at home as well. It seems to me that none of you seem to know how to deflate these situations once they arise, and your S-D doesn't seem to want to even. At this point, those skills don't exist. It is better to call the police then to let things continue to escalate and get worse. Hopefully counseling will help you and your wife at least to learn how to deflate these situations when these arise, and hopefully at least one of you will want to use those skills that you learn. You have one hard row to hoe... keep in prayer.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Problem with step-daughter (6/27/2008 6:54:32 PM)

Well you've already been beaten up enough here over this incident and I'm sure you've beat yourself up over what you could have done better. I have raised two step-daughters so I know how difficult that could be when a child pushes that wrong button. I consider them my daughters because I came into the picture when they were very young and they both have always related to me as a father.

All of us as parents have "snapped" at one time or another if we're honest. I remember one time when my eldest slammed the foot of my youngest in the car door while she was getting in the car. If it hadn't been for the seatbelt buckle absorbing the force, I'm sure it would have done some damage. Before I new it, I had taken the eldest upstairs and spanked her very hard. Unfortunately, the rim of the belt hit her a couple of times and it left a few bruises. That incident scared me straight and helped me to see the importance of not disciplining my girls when I was angry. I wish I could say that was the last time it happened but I'd be lying. I know I digressed a little bit but the point was that I understand how quickly the emotions can cause us to react. It takes a strong man to go back and apologize for your role in the conflict. I would agree that it would have been best to let it go and address the issue of your wife undermining your authority in front of them later on after things cooled down.

Your adult children need to be aware that disrespect will not be tolerated and that they will have to make it on their own if they can't follow your house rules. Of course you and your wife need to be in agreement on what those are and such so that they are reasonable to begin with.

May God bless the counseling.



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