Relationship with in-laws (Full Version)

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Aisha -> Relationship with in-laws (6/18/2008 10:38:03 AM)

Im just wondering how many of you have issues with your in-laws and why the issue exist...How do you deal when its time to be around them?



My boyfriend and I are planning to get married next summer. We start premarital counseling this Friday at our church. We've been together on and off for the last 3 1/2 years.We've been through a lot of ups and downs. I just met his parents this pass Memorial Day. I must say it was an interesting meet. I dont think his mom care for me too much and Im not sure how to deal with it since she has influence on him. How am I supposed to be happy going forward knowing Id be marrying into the family? I just would like to know other peoples experiences with in-laws. The good the bad and the ugly...[:D]

EDIT..I know she dont care too much for me and dont think he is ready to be with me. He told me what she said. She dont feel he is ready to be with someone with two kids. In return that makes him angry because he feels like he is stuck between his family and me. I dont want him to disown his family for me but he have been in my kids life before I even met them and he is very supportive of me and them. My kids love him. His mom has said something about not believing I have a job. In which my boyfriend told her that I am working at a hair salon. In all honesty I havent been in the salon since May BUT I take all clients at home because it saves me money from gas, childcare and booth rent. I hate that he has to lie to her about my work. I dont make as much money as he does since he is a Software Enginner. So she thinks Im here to take his money. Id take a broke man that will love me and mine over riches. Its clear she doesnt know me at all but as a man...he has always supported us. I know that makes her upset.



Lady_Bear -> RE: Relationship with in-laws (6/18/2008 11:03:18 AM)

Aisha ... I will keep you in prayer as you go through this time. I am sure that she will get use to you in time.

- Find out things that she { mother in law } likes to do & do something together ... like start a scarpbook & work on it with her & get her involved to being a part of it.

- Take her to lunch ... treat her to something special

- Just have some ONE on ONE time with her.

Sure it will be hard but we all have struggles with the IN LAWS ... I did in the beginning and here we are 30 years together and live 2 minutes down the road from them & do we see them that much ? Only when we are needing something or help with something !!

Sad thing is that they were not there that much 4 there " GRANDCHILDREN " when they were in school ... grant it they were there for HIGH SCHOOL GRAUATION but when they were younger NOTHING & so it really botehred me but U LIVE & LEARN !!

So, if you want to talk ... I am A CLICK AWAY !!



lindakaye -> RE: Relationship with in-laws (6/18/2008 1:24:40 PM)

Hon if he has to lie to mom to keep the peace then he is not ready to have a wife and children. If a man or woman is not able to take the step of leaving and cleaving then they have no business getting married.

Just read some of the posts on this forum and its just crazy how parents still rule their kids and kid's families because their kids won't, can't or refuse to stand up to their parents. And then of course everyone blames the parents.

If a man can't put his wife first before his parents then he has no business being married.

So I would take it very slow and make sure your husband to be can be upfront, as in honest, with his mother and not try to smooth things over by lying.

I hope this works out and don't give up hope, you've only just met them and maybe things will get better.



3tulips -> RE: Relationship with in-laws (6/18/2008 1:31:28 PM)

Though I don't live close to my in-laws, my relationship with them is a lot like Lady Bear's.

First off, I agree with above, don't let him start lying to his mom. She will just have to accept his decisions. He will have to support you and be there to defend you against verbal attacks if he wants to be your husband. I am glad you 2 are getting pre-marital counseling.



Aisha -> RE: Relationship with in-laws (6/18/2008 3:49:03 PM)

I've expressed to him that he didn't take up for me and he said that he did and I cannot be mad of his family opinion of me.

He says that he took up for me by lying about me working in a salon when I really don't. Im sure they wouldn't consider doing hair from home a real job. He says that if he don't lie about my job then they really won't like me. So it only leads to more arguments. So I left it alone.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Relationship with in-laws (6/18/2008 4:40:05 PM)

Hello Aisha...not sure if any men have responded but I am going to give the perspect of at least one who has been in a very similar situation. My ex had three children (two living with her) when I started dating her. My ex didn't tell me about the 3rd child into we were well into the relationship because she was afraid I would break up with her. We agreed to not tell my parents because my parents already had issues with me dating someone that had children. They ended up finding about the 3rd child through a casual conversation with the other children and it really set the stage for an awkward relationship with her and my family. When I look back on that time, I was ashamed of certain aspects (i.e., inability to hold a job, never graduating from high school) about my ex and I found myself lying for her and about her (to protect her image) until I just coudn't (explain away the obvious) anymore.

Although I married her more out of immaturity and sentimitality, I realize looking back that I didn't do her or myself justice. We are in the process of a divorce right now. I wonder if your boyfriend might be experiencing the same thing, and if so, it would be a huge mistake to marry him. You deserve to have someone who believes you are a great catch as you are, not someone who will lie about your less favorable side.



Aisha -> RE: Relationship with in-laws (6/23/2008 9:33:47 AM)

ChoirDJ...Ive said this to him many times and he denies it. He says that he wouldve left me a long time ago if he felt this way. He thought that he was doing a good job by lying about me having a job since I havent really had a stable job since he met me. He thought telliong the truth would really make them not like me.



My biggest issue right now is his sister-in-law. I know for certain that she doesnt like me. She was upset at him going with me to my family reunion because she came into town from Texas to NY where he is from to visit his mom and wanted him to be present but he wasnt. He was still in MD with me and visiting my fathers side of the family for the first time. She reminds me of my stepmother and I had a horrible childhood growing up with a woman who didnt care too much for me. I felt like I HAD to talk to her with more than a hello and a goodbye and it hurt me because I knew in my heart that I couldnt talk with someone who always made me feel like an outcast and denied the evil doings. His SIL is a spitting image of her, not talking to me when she met me, tellin my FH what she expects me to do, not saying anything to my children...etc. So I dont feel as though I want to even deal with her.


Sometimes it gets to be so much on me when people judge me before even knowing me. I am quiet when I first meet people because Im shy. I talk more and more when Im comfy. I normally speak when spoken to..Id never ignore someone or not say hi and goodbye first. I just like to get comfortable with my surroundings first. So I tend to listen more. People always ASSUME that Im stuck up when Im quiet and not smiling. When Im in public, people always tell me to smile and stop looking so mean. Funny..they say the same thing to my sisters. Guess I just have a more serious straight face but on the contrary I feel I am a very sweet person.



deermousie -> RE: Relationship with in-laws (6/23/2008 11:36:16 AM)

Yikes, Aisha. This has red flags all over it.

Most problems marriages struggle with were obvious before the marriage started, and I think this one is staring you in the face.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aisha
We've been together on and off for the last 3 1/2 years.


What is the status of your chastity? Being "together" is sometimes a code word for being physically intimate, which the Bible calls fornication and is on God's "Bad List" (Gal. 5:19). When people are in sin, God isn't leading them to do anything except stop sinning first of all. I don't know if this area is a problem from what you've said.

quote:

I dont think his mom care for me too much and Im not sure how to deal with it since she has influence on him.


When a man marries, he leaves his mother and father and cleaves (sticks like glue) to his wife. If this guy isn't ready to step out from under his mother's influence and control, then marrying him means there will be three of you in the marriage bond. NOT biblical.


quote:

EDIT..I know she dont care too much for me and dont think he is ready to be with me.


Another big red flag. The battle lines are already drawn up, and the war will possibly last 30 years. Your kids would be in the middle of it.

Here's another thought: she's been looking out for his welfare all his life, and she wants the best for him. If she doesn't like you, it could be she sees a trainwreck coming and wants to spare him that. Give this serious consideration: this may be a bad match.

If you just read that and said, "But I love him!" then you are working on emotions, not logic. That kind of bond is how we're supposed to be *after* we get married to the right person (whom we picked with our eyes open and content that this is God's leading: no sin was involved, your parents think it's a good match, as do your pastor, mature Christians who've known you for years and have a good esteem of your mature qualities, and his parents. To ignore this is to ignore the freeway sign that says "the bridge is out").

quote:

He told me what she said.


Is he trying to stir things up? Is he enjoying watching women battle each other? Big red flag. Did she say this, knowing he'd tell you and stir things up? Is she bored and wants a fight?

quote:


She dont feel he is ready to be with someone with two kids. In return that makes him angry because he feels like he is stuck between his family and me.


He is. This is another big red flag. Why is he OK with a battle between you and his family? His family has been all he's had all his life, and the bonds are incredibly strong. What is his bond with you? If you guys have been intimate, he'll choose you as long as the pleasure is good. When life does its usual roller coaster thing he could dump you at the first downturn.


quote:

I dont want him to disown his family for me but he have been in my kids life before I even met them and he is very supportive of me and them. My kids love him.


This is going to sound harsh, but are you vying to get a father for them? Are you willing to sacrifice his family relationships to protect your children? Where is their father, and why isn't he being a father to them?

quote:

I hate that he has to lie to her about my work.


So he's a liar when things are uncomfortable. He'll lie to you when things get uncomfortable. Big red flag. In your place, I'd run from this guy.

quote:

he has always supported us. I know that makes her upset.


So he's supporting a woman he's not married to? This is not good. Married men support their families. Unmarried men don't support someone else's family. If this were my son, I'd be upset, too. Get married and do it right or break up. And if it's a sinful relationship in any way, break up. Get things back in their proper place with God and then proceed from there and see if you're marrying this guy is God's will. If sin is involved, I guarantee you it's not God's will.

This has been abrupt and harsh, but if I were in your shoes I would welcome this to help me think what needs to be done. Your relationship with God comes first, and then your kids. This guy has some big problems, if I'm understanding you from what you've said correctly, and you could be about to step off a cliff. Please go talk to your pastor or a wise older Christian who can help you sort these things out. You don't want to be in a situation that will tear your kids apart a year or two down the road.

I am wishing you God's best, and am praying for you today for wisdom and clarity on what you need to do next. God bless you and your little ones, dear one. May He lead you into a good situation and cause you to jump and rejoice in His goodness to you! Now go do the right thing, and may you be blessed.



TorchHeart -> RE: Relationship with in-laws (6/23/2008 11:39:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: deermousie

Yikes, Aisha. This has red flags all over it.




I'm with deermousie on this one.

May I ask how old you and your boyfriend are? I don't mean to be offensive/judgemental here, but I sense some immaturity in all of this.



Aisha -> RE: Relationship with in-laws (6/23/2008 11:57:50 AM)

I am 23 and he is 27.

We have had sex before. We arent currently having sex because of the decision to wait until marriage. We arent engaged because he cant afford a ring right now. He would like to wed next year. I personally would like to wed after premarital counseling we are taking at our church IF the pastor gives us the green light. I know we have a lot of issues to sort thru which is why we decided on counseling.

As far as his family...he says he isnt so close with his parents. He dont like them to know his business and never has. He is closer with his brothers and their wives. Im sure if he tells one person something..they all tell each other. I try to tell him about the leaving and cleaving part but he feels he isnt doing anything wrong. We touched on the issue in counseling last Friday about how how a husband is supposed to be. In the coming weeks..we will be going further.


His mother gets on his nerves and treats him as a baby outside of him and I. She irritates him when she calls to make sure he took his vitamins or if he went to church and other little task. He feels like she calls him a million times as if she is her girlfriend and she leaves too many messages. Ive told him to tell her exactly how he feels and he said he has but she still do the same thing. He is the baby boy..

I wasnt thinking that phrase that "I love him".

He only told me what his sister in law said because I asked him. He didnt want to tell me because he said I would take it the wrong way. After he told me...he felt I took it the wrong way.

He isnt getting any physical pleasure from me and I know he wants to be with me. I just dont think he know how to put his foot down with people. I think he is a pushover. He used to act the same way with his friends. He dont like to hurt people feelings. He has never dumped me even when things have gotten REALLY bad. He has always wanted to work things out with me.

No, Im not with him because Im looking for a father for my kids. He is a good father figure to them tho.

I dont see an issue with him supporting me.

Again..we are in premarital counseling at our church and we just started last Friday. We still have 8-10 weeks left.



TorchHeart -> RE: Relationship with in-laws (6/23/2008 12:39:06 PM)

The pre-marital councilling is a REALLY good idea with this case (personally, I think its a good idea in EVERY case, and wish that all churches offered it, but I think that it will be particularly beneficial here).

Aisha, when you're in these councilling sessions, I think you should really pay attention to what both the councillor and your boyfriend are saying. Deermousie makes a LOT of good points in her post, and while I don't kow if you should necessarily bolt immediately from this guy, I would give it SERIOUS CONSIDERATION (I can't stress those words enough). Once again, really look and listen to what the councillor AND your boyfriend are saying during these sessions.

Pay close attention to what they have to say about relationships with family, kids, the Lord and one another, so you know you're on the right page and that this is really what's best for both of you. Remember, marriage is supposed to be for the rest of your life, and it can be a LONG and miserable life if you do it for the wrong reason and with the wrong person.

Let this be a way for God to help open your heart and your mind up to what you're really getting into, and help you determine if you're preparing to marry this guy for the right or wrong reasons.



Aisha -> RE: Relationship with in-laws (6/23/2008 12:46:41 PM)

Thank you all for the advice. I really appreciate it,

Trust me...I listen very well because I take this very seriously. I do not want to have a life of misery.



GregandJenny -> RE: Relationship with in-laws (6/24/2008 11:26:53 PM)

If he has lied to his mother about you then that means one thing to me. He doesn't like who you are. You deserve MUCH better MUCH MUCH better than that.

G



Aisha -> RE: Relationship with in-laws (6/30/2008 4:08:28 PM)

His sister in law called me today and we talked for an hour and a half about everything and she apologized for how she made me feel. She and everyone else feels that its my FH's communication issue that has everyone mad at him because of his lack thereof. She has spoke to me about he issues I have with him and the family. She told me things about him as well since she has known him since he was 11. She informed me that he may still be struggling with impressing people and she sees that Im beyond that stage in life. She encouraged me to stay with him and thats what I feel God leading me to and keep praying and going to counseling.

I felt MUCH better after the convo and being able to discuss certain matters with the person its dealing with instead of everyone going through him. She gave me advice for myself and for us and told me she will keep us in her prayers. She just see him trying to please everyone no matter what.

So I now feel a huge weight off of my shoulders and I would feel better with coming around his family.



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