My husband is addicted to Internet porn (Full Version)

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jsussves -> My husband is addicted to Internet porn (6/18/2008 12:20:58 AM)

I have known my husband for 8 years. We have been married for 6 years. I knew before I married him that he had a problem with porn. I didn't know how bad it was until we got married. Not only does he have a problem with porn, but when I got to talk it out with him, I might as well be talking to a brick wall.
It really scares me and breaks my heart every time I find it on the computer. I know that this is a door way that he has to close, but how can I live like this, especially when he doesn't talk to me. I am ready to just give up. But then I have to think about my daughter. I don't know what to do. I feel like when she turns 18, then I will leave.



Roberta_ -> RE: My husband is addicted to Internet porn (6/18/2008 1:48:23 AM)

My estranged husband never did deal with his porn addiction. It was something he wanted out of his life, but he wasn't willing to get the help he needed for it. I hope your husband gets help soon.



TorchHeart -> RE: My husband is addicted to Internet porn (6/18/2008 9:50:14 AM)

Does he understand that he has a problem and wants to get help for it? Or is it something that he's too emberassed to admit to? Or does he feel that there isn't a problem with this?

:(



Hislittleone -> RE: My husband is addicted to Internet porn (6/18/2008 1:57:42 PM)

Are you and your husband born again Christians? How old is your daughter and is she your husband's bio or step-daughter?

If so, then he should know that what he's doing is wrong. Why don't you install a filter on the computer? If it were me, I wouldn't even tell/ask him about it. I'd just do it.

I know you're worried about putting your daughter through a divorce/separation but having her grow up with a man who's steeped in sexual sin is bad also. If he keeps this up, your daughter will find the porn at some point and that's very damaging to a child.

So basically if you stay it's bad and if you go it's bad. Now it's just a matter of deciding which is worse. Of course the best solution is that your husband will quit but no one can tell you whether he will choose to do that or not.

My husband had a problem with porn/lust for many years so I know how hurtful this is. Here are some resources that have helped us.

Every Man's Battle and Every Man's Marriage and Every Heart Restored (for the wives of men with this problem) by Fred Stoeker
http://www.fredstoeker.com/home.shtml

Discovering the Mind of a Woman by Ken Nair
http://www.lifepartners.org/

Man of Her Dreams/Woman of His and Livin' It and Lovin' It by Kathy and Joel Davisson (there are some things I don't agree with in this ministry but they do offer a lot of great insight)
http://www.godsavemymarriage.com/

ETA: Ken Nair offers a discipleship program (over the phone) for couples that costs $100 per hour. My dh just started it and was really impressed. Joel and Kathy Davisson offer counseling (phone) as well. Both ministries offer weekend seminars too.



cheeky_monkey -> RE: My husband is addicted to Internet porn (6/18/2008 11:22:06 PM)

I've been there. It went on for so long, among other problems we had for a while, that it got to the point where it didn't even hurt anymore. I remember when I told DH that it really bothered him because he said that made him feel he drove me to the point of not caring anymore. I think it was a real wake-up call for him.

I have no advice for you; I'm sorry. Just pray. As far as whether or not my DH looks any more, I believe he definitely stopped for a long while. I can't say for sure if he ever started again because he doesn't like to talk about it and I can't access his computer because he runs a bunch of different server things from his. I hope he doesn't look, but there's no way I can know for sure. (((HUGS))) I know the pain you're feeling. It's not easy.



TorchHeart -> RE: My husband is addicted to Internet porn (6/19/2008 4:57:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone


If so, then he should know that what he's doing is wrong. Why don't you install a filter on the computer? If it were me, I wouldn't even tell/ask him about it. I'd just do it.


BAD ADVICE!!!! (no offense to the poster) Installing a filter on the computer isn't a bad idea, but simply doing it and not telling him about it is. Its a great way to ehance the level of distrust that's already in the relationship.

This is something you need to work through with him. Save the strong-arm techniques until you REALLY need them.

quote:

I know you're worried about putting your daughter through a divorce/separation but having her grow up with a man who's steeped in sexual sin is bad also. If he keeps this up, your daughter will find the porn at some point and that's very damaging to a child.


You have to decide how badly this is affecting your marriage, and if there are other more serious issues to work through as well (not that this one can't be serious, and from the sounds of it, I'd say its at least reaching that point).

It definitely wouldn't hurt to see a counciler at this point to help find out what's driving him to do this. Sometimes an addiction to porn can develop, and that in itself will be the problem. But a lot of the time, you'll find that a husband or wife looking at pornography is a SYMPTOM of something else that's going on. I think you need to determine which this is, because (from the way you're putting things) it does look like he's got a problem.



jsussves -> RE: My husband is addicted to Internet porn (6/19/2008 9:56:38 PM)

This has been all good advice. First of all, my daughter is almost 4 years old. She is the same age I was when my dad left my mom.

My husband has tried to get help from a Assoc. Pastor at our Church. But apparently, it hasn't helped. I am just so tired and tormented by this. I love my husband, but it has to stop. I feel like I can't trust him. I feel like it is all me. Like I am not good enough for him that he has to get online and look at other women.

I don't want my daughter to find out. And I know that sometimes porn leads to molesting. I don't EVER want that to happen to my little girl. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Every time I catch him, he stops for awhile. Then all of a sudden, there it is again. If I put filters on the computer, he knows his way around them. He needs Spiritual guides. I need help. I am so drained.



frazzledmom -> RE: My husband is addicted to Internet porn (6/19/2008 11:30:04 PM)

You are where my husband and I were about four years ago. He was certain there was no way out-he was stuck. Wrong. Your husband can be free from this but he has to want to be free. At some point you will need to share how deeply this hurts and affects you. Crazy thing is, though, when he's looking at porn, he's not thinking this could hurt you. He's doing what feels good to his brain. I came very close to leaving my husband, but God told me to hang in there as long as he was making an effort to grow and move forward. With that in mind i have learned many things:

1. I can't dictate my husband's journey or control his behavior and choices. I can only control and choose my own.
2. Underneath my husband's porn addiction was undiagnosed ADD. He had been medicating his brain with porn for many years. Now we are on the journey of learning how to deal with the ADD appropriately.
3. It's not about me. It's about how my husband deals with uncomfortable feelings like anger, boredom and rejection.
4. I had my own problems to work on. I have been addicted to other's approval and achievement/success/work for many years.

Resources that have helped my on my journey are:

Celebrate Recovery -a Christ centered 12 step program. Find a group near you at http://www.celebraterecovery.com/?page_id=7

www.recoverynation.com Great personal lessons to help work through emotions and figure out which way is up. Great support, but be warned-this is not a Christ centered site. It is focused on changing behavior based on personal values, but not necessarily faith-based.
www.settingcaptivesfree.com has many different addiction studies. Personally, I didn't care for the partner study, but it's free and has helped others.
www.sexaddict.com website of Doug Weiss, former sex addict. Great workbooks for both addict and partner.

Each of these sites has a section for the addict and a section for the spouses. Take a look and join the communities. There is much help there.

Best wishes, love and hugs to you. You are not alone, sister. And you can weather this storm and be stronger if that is what God directs you to do.

Frazzledmom



TorchHeart -> RE: My husband is addicted to Internet porn (6/19/2008 11:59:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: frazzledmom



1. I can't dictate my husband's journey or control his behavior and choices. I can only control and choose my own.
2. Underneath my husband's porn addiction was undiagnosed ADD. He had been medicating his brain with porn for many years. Now we are on the journey of learning how to deal with the ADD appropriately.
3. It's not about me. It's about how my husband deals with uncomfortable feelings like anger, boredom and rejection.
4. I had my own problems to work on. I have been addicted to other's approval and achievement/success/work for many years.



Some of what frazzledmom is saying here is what I was trying to get at in my last post. Your husbands "addiction" to porn might be a sign of some other problem that he's not dealing with appropriately. This isn't an excuse for his behavior, but being able to explain what's leading him to want to do this will probably make it easier to help him stop.



Hislittleone -> RE: My husband is addicted to Internet porn (6/20/2008 12:13:23 AM)

quote:

Every time I catch him, he stops for awhile. Then all of a sudden, there it is again. If I put filters on the computer, he knows his way around them. He needs Spiritual guides. I need help. I am so drained.


I completely understand this. BTDT. I went through this same cycle with my husband for years. It finally stopped when he realized I was about to leave him. Though it wasn't that fact that opened his eyes, rather it was the workings of the Holy Spirit.

I think now is the time for the "strong arm" action since he's been doing this over and over. Sometimes (not all of the time) a husband like this won't change until his wife makes life very uncomfortable. Sometimes we need a little nudge/incentive to get out of our sinful patterns of behavior.

But in whatever you do, follow the Holy Spirit's leading. As Frazzledmom said, you aren't alone in this and it is possible to overcome. My husband and I are experiencing a better marriage than we ever thought possible.

m so sorry you are hurting like this. Hugs to you dear sister (((((jsussves)))))



Chism -> RE: My husband is addicted to Internet porn (6/20/2008 12:58:33 AM)

I, too, want to tell you that there is hope. My husband was using my computer to do porn, and I learned this by accident, when he wasn't even in the room.

However, this was part of another problem. When I made him face the other problem, he initially went into denial. But I stood my ground, told him that it was true, and until he could admit it, things would never be right between us -- ever. I left the house for a walk, giving him time to think about it. About an hour later, he found me and admitted that I was right.

It was months later that I discovered the porn. And months later, I discovered it again.

That time, I gave him the ultimatum: he had committed psychological adultery against me, and if he did it again, I was leaving him. Period.

That scared him. He made all kindds of excuses for his behavior, but said that he wanted help.

I found help when I went the next rmoning to a local religious book store, and a GIRL waited on me! I wondered how a GIRL could help in this situation, but I trusted the L-rd and asked for help. She took me directly to two books for him and one for me. I think I recognized one of the books in Hislittleone's list: Every Man's Battle and Every Man's Marriage and Every Heart Restored (for the wives of men with this problem) by Fred Stoeker http://www.fredstoeker.com/home.shtml.

I told him that he WOULD read the books cover to cover, and he WOULD discuss them with me. He did. And we PRAYED.

He made the decision that I should lock him out of my computer. I did. Eventually, I bought him a computer, but he has chosen not to hook it up to the Internet.

He has been doing real well.

I, however, am still trying to dig myself out of the cesspool of remembering and allowing it to effect me. I have climbed most of the way out and feel like it is time pull that last foot out. I am almost there.



TrustingGod -> RE: My husband is addicted to Internet porn (6/20/2008 7:38:38 PM)

Get help for yourself. It is important that you realize it is not about you. Find out the facts so you can protect yourself and your daughter.

My husband and my teenage son both had issues with porn. It broke my heart when I found my son had a problem. We've prayed through this and both went through deliverance at church. But the change had to be their desire - not mine. They had to take authority over the problem.

Pray over your daughter. Pray every morning that God will put a hedge of protection around her. Pray that God will bring conviction to your husband. Pray specifically that ever time he desires to look at porn that he will feel severe pain to his stomach. Pray for his repentance.

But do get counseling for yourself.



jsussves -> RE: My husband is addicted to Internet porn (6/20/2008 11:21:29 PM)

Thank you everyone for the great advice. I am going to take it to heart. I my husband has a problem and I believe it is deeper than he lets on. When we talk sometimes, he throws up a brick wall and will not respond to me. I just feel rejected.

Both of our past haven't been pretty ones. We have both had our share of rebellion. Sometimes I blame myself for not standing firm and letting my guard down with him. By all rights, we shouldn't even be married. I shouldn't have married him, knowing what he was doing. And at the time, I was back sliding.

I first and second time I caught him, I went out and cheated on him with an ex boyfriend. It took me about 2 days to tell him the first time. The second time, it was the next day. He didn't even get mad at me. He never yelled at me or tried to understand why I did what I did. I felt bad. I just wanted him to know how I felt. Even though it was the wrong way to show him. And he still looks. It is so hard for me not to think that something is wrong with me. I guess, with he throwing a brick wall up every time we try to talk, I will never know how he really feels.



mrsmatt323 -> RE: My husband is addicted to Internet porn (6/21/2008 9:06:55 AM)

Have you heard of or seen Mark Gungor's Laugh your Way to a Better Marriage dvd set? He talks about porn addiction, how it affects marriages and what you can do together to fix the problem.



h_seaton -> RE: My husband is addicted to Internet porn (6/24/2008 12:21:06 AM)

I've been hurt badly by this same situation before, and I was given this advice... "As much as it hurts you, please try to remember that you two are on the same side. You were given to him to be a help mate so that you can help him win over evil." Help him fight this battle just as aggressively as if it were your own. He will need you in this battle because you are not consumed by the sin like he is, and he needs someone with a clear head, void of the temptation, to help him. I know it hurts because it was a sin against you, but more importantly it is a sin against God.



jaimestarcross -> RE: My husband is addicted to Internet porn (6/24/2008 11:28:35 PM)

I read through your responses and how you both responded badly to situations.

The real problem in the marriage is spiritual adultery - he's using porn instead of
turning to God and submitting to the Lord for correction, guidance and renewal.
You seem a little dependent upon your husband for his affirmation of your attractiveness... when he fails to do what you expect - you commit adultery.
Again and again you both keep committing spiritual adultery!
Turn to God and submit to Him.
You have to work out your salvation daily - renewing the mind upon God's Word - casting down imaginations and anything that is contrary to biblical teachings.
Fleeing from temptations instead of giving into fleshly desires!

Get into marriage counseling (even if you have to go without your husband.) Your daughter needs at least one stable parent who can problem solve and raise her in love and teach her how to establish her own personal relationship with the Lord and be good examples!

You don't have to divorce but you can encourage your husband to get help for his porn problem - and if you find it's best to part for a season to work on your own problems and grow in knowledge of the Lord then by all means do that.... but continue encouraging (not nagging) and showing love toward him to get help and to work on his own relationship with God! Have others praying for you and him.
*Pray for each other too!



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