When is it okay to end a friendship? (Full Version)

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bella05 -> When is it okay to end a friendship? (6/17/2008 2:05:15 PM)

Hi all,

I'm almost 30 years old, married, and have no children... just a little info about me. I'm putting this question on the women's only site because I feel that sometimes we all go through these "friendship dilemmas."
I have this friend who I've know for about 10 years. This person is not a Christian. We're not super close, probably because of our different value and belief systems. But we talk frequently and get together once every 2 months. She's been dating this guy for about 7 years and plans to move in with him. He's not the warmest or nicest person. A lot of people characterize him as very arrogant and unwelcoming. She mainly covers up for him and overly builds him up when he does or says something inappropriate. He treats her okay, not badly but not wonderful either. She loves him and of course I can't do anything to change her mind.
I'm trying hard to accept the way that he is and not say anything. My husband is very kind and cordial around him. When I say to to my husband that we have plans with these certain 2 friends, he gets this disappointed look on his face but says he'll get together with them because I'm still friends with the girl. And I can see why he does this because her boyfriend is difficult.
The strange thing is, for awhile now she's been passive aggressive towards me. Like she says these underlying statements that seem to be meant as "attacks" but covers them up nicely... things about marriage, why I'm married, and she even seems competitive in a way.
I can't talk to her about personal or serious issues because she gets defensive and I feel that I'm walking on eggshells. If I say something that she doesn't agree with she seems pretty upset. She's also a perfectionist which may be the reason why.
But sometimes I really enjoy hanging out with her and other times I feel that I have to watch what I say. I mean, I've known her for about 10 years...

I'm just wondering, does God want us to be in these friendships to show them love no matter what? Or is this a sign that maybe it's not a good idea to continue our friendship and to back off a little?

Many thanks in advance!



Cloak -> RE: When is it okay to end a friendship? (6/17/2008 3:05:48 PM)

Hey there~

If your relationship with her is building you both up and inspiring her to change and learn from you, I would continue in this road and offer her the support and help she needs. On the other hand, if she is tearing you down, or you feel uncomfy around her most of the time and there is always that kind of friction, then cut it off and feel No guilt whatsoever.

Being Christian does NOT mean putting up with abusive or destructive relationship. A good healthy friendship is supposed to build up 2 individuals not tear either of them down which seems to be the latter in your case.

I have ended up relationship with many friends like that and thus reduced so much stress in my life. [:o] [:)]

The Bible teaches us not to be equally yoked with unbelievers.

Blessings!



HisCovenant -> RE: When is it okay to end a friendship? (6/17/2008 4:08:21 PM)

It appears that she isn't being a friend to you and in fact is being abusive (passive/agressive, you said.) I would set up some clear boundries and stick to your guns. When you feel she is treating you unfairly, come up with reasonable consequences (not treating her like a child, but expecting adult behavior out of her) and be consistent and honest. Letting someone passive/agressive know that they are not fooling you with the routine can help to prevent them from bullying you, because they don't want to be seen as agressive or in conflict. It can also cause them to withdraw from the relationship because they are not willing to even confront themselves and correct their irresponsibility.

Personally, I think you should continue to do everything you can to show her love and Christ... but doing those things doesn't mean avoiding confrontation and speaking only of things we agree with. One part of love is dealing with difficult things and balancing truth with love. And remember, when Christ ran into those not willing to be His friend, he allowed them to go their own way. He did all the right things in loving them and inviting them into relationship, but when they rejected a responsible relationship with Him, He let them go their own way without Him.

So, I probably wouldn't end the relationship, but I would probably change the perimeters of it and be more intentional about you being loving and revealing your expectations... but I just don't belive a friendship with a nonchristian can be the same as friendship between Christians. Some friendships can be good and special and lead to salvation, but nonchristians sometimes just aren't convicted to love you back in the same way you have the ability to love them.



3tulips -> RE: When is it okay to end a friendship? (6/17/2008 5:02:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cloak

Hey there~

If your relationship with her is building you both up and inspiring her to change and learn from you, I would continue in this road and offer her the support and help she needs. On the other hand, if she is tearing you down, or you feel uncomfy around her most of the time and there is always that kind of friction, then cut it off and feel No guilt whatsoever.



I agree. Last month I ended a friendship that was going no where. We didn't see eye to eye on something and couldn't get past it. I dropped the issue and so did she. We just now don't speak but it really is better this way. No guilt.



bella05 -> RE: When is it okay to end a friendship? (6/18/2008 12:45:49 PM)

Thanks you so much. How do I end the friendship without an argument? Should I just ignore her?
I'm not so good with confrontation. I got in an argument with her a while ago and she became very angry and emotional.
If I get in a serious discussion with her, I know that I will get all choked up/nervous and not say what I really want to say.
It's so frustrating. I'm praying to get better at it.



Mrs.Above_All -> RE: When is it okay to end a friendship? (6/19/2008 3:59:02 AM)

A former friend of mine basically avoided me as much as possible because of her objection towards me and the decisions I have made in life. Of course I didn't take a hint. When I finally approached her about something she hashed it all out. But because she avoided me, some pent up opinions got to her emotionally and I was pretty much insulted. I don't think it's a good idea to ignore her, nor do I think you have a need to give a long conversation to her. I would keep it short and simple and just tell her that you are unable to be friends anymore because we don't see eye to eye on a pretty major thing. That's it. Don't get into a drawn out discussion of trying to defend yourself nor give her a chance to defend herself as well.

I speak this because this is what I would haven't wanted for my friend to do. It's the middle ground and to me that's the best. But having fun is not enough reason to have a friendship. There are many other people G-d can use in her life to reach out to her. If you don't feel in your Spirit that G-d is using you then move on. The way she treats you is an good indicator to move on.

Friends don't always have to agree with other another but friends do have to respect each other.



Calea37 -> RE: When is it okay to end a friendship? (6/19/2008 8:36:26 AM)

To me saying, "We can't be friends anymore" seems a bit harsh and causes hard feelings... I would do the things I enjoy doing with her (you said you sometimes enjoy her company) and the other things, like going out as two couples with her boyfriend, I would just not do. If you cut back on that you will either work into a new type of relationship where you and she do things together but your husband doesn't have to hang out with someone he doesn't like, OR the friendship will just kind of fizzle out on it's own. At least if it fizzles out you don't have that almost angry "we can't be friends" type of feeling if you run into them. Since she isn't a believer it seems like not the greatest witness to just abruptly end the friendship with her; she may need you at some point.



Cloak -> RE: When is it okay to end a friendship? (6/19/2008 11:36:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bella05

Thanks you so much. How do I end the friendship without an argument? Should I just ignore her?
I'm not so good with confrontation. I got in an argument with her a while ago and she became very angry and emotional.
If I get in a serious discussion with her, I know that I will get all choked up/nervous and not say what I really want to say.
It's so frustrating. I'm praying to get better at it.


As hard as it is the confrontation thing and even tho we love these people even tho we don't condone their behaviour toward us, the next time you see her or talk to her just tell her plain and simple: I am sorry but we don't have so many things in common.

This is how I ended so many improper relationships!



JustJeannie -> RE: When is it okay to end a friendship? (6/19/2008 11:39:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Calea37

To me saying, "We can't be friends anymore" seems a bit harsh and causes hard feelings... I would do the things I enjoy doing with her (you said you sometimes enjoy her company) and the other things, like going out as two couples with her boyfriend, I would just not do. If you cut back on that you will either work into a new type of relationship where you and she do things together but your husband doesn't have to hang out with someone he doesn't like, OR the friendship will just kind of fizzle out on it's own. At least if it fizzles out you don't have that almost angry "we can't be friends" type of feeling if you run into them. Since she isn't a believer it seems like not the greatest witness to just abruptly end the friendship with her; she may need you at some point.

This is excellent advice in my opinion. It seems well thought out. Good points made, Calea!!



Mrs.Above_All -> RE: When is it okay to end a friendship? (6/19/2008 2:15:04 PM)

The risk in that is that even though you just hang out, the serious subject matters will just arise again and you go through the same thing. Ending the friendship is your choice and you can still end it on a good note. Don't assume that ending it will be abrupt, negative and unpleasant. It can be done respectfully with the right words at the right time. It's how you say things. Or perhaps you just need a break from each other. Perhaps time separated will help as well.



butterfly616 -> RE: When is it okay to end a friendship? (7/7/2008 5:48:06 PM)

I am going through something similar with a couple of my friends. It has been difficult for me to know if I should "detach" from these relationships because I felt that God placed these people in my life. However, when I realized that I was stressed and anxious, I decided that it's not good for me spiritually or emotionally to try to hold on to these friendships. (Neither person is a Christian.)

I've placed them in God's hands and have eased-off from calling them or getting together with them. Maybe I'm a coward, but I don't feel comfortable in just breaking off the relationships.

I have a wonderful friend who is a Christian. She's loving and caring and sincere. I believe that is the kind of friendship the Lord wants for us. He's reminded me that I need to give the same in return.
[sm=heart.gif]



MamaMilty -> RE: When is it okay to end a friendship? (7/9/2008 8:40:27 AM)

Back when I was 21 and not yet a Christian, I moved to a new town and met a nice Christian girl. She befriended me and showed me around. I was a little wild and intent on partying. After one such night, she very gently and kindly told me that if that was how I chose to spend my time, she couldn't accompany me. I was so dead in my sin that I wasn't even convicted even a little, but I did appreciate her soft, sweet approach.

Years later, God brought that memory to my mind and I cringed at my actions, but I now have a very good example of how to handle it myself when/if it happens now.



conrack50 -> RE: When is it okay to end a friendship? (7/20/2008 6:43:33 AM)

I just went thru something similar to butterfly616's post.
The person was there for me on several occasion over 30 years. But I know now that it was all about money with this friend. I met this person thru my Aunt who passed away in 03. So now we talk about once every 3 months.No mention of them coming since I don't offer $$$ to come.
The relationship was my choice after my aunt died. So it's my choice to end it and I did this week. I simply stated that it was always about $$$ and I have moved on. They knew what I meant because now all I get is jokes forwarded in my emails. It's ok with me. God has led me out of that relationship because I no longer need it.I asked for things that were negative to be removed and God's doing that as far as so called "friends". To me they are now acquaintances. I have lots of those but only one true friend and that's God. I trust my DH but I trust God first.
People cross our paths or are placed in our lives for a number of reasons.There are plenty that have been very beneficial, plenty that have drug me down. I no longer stay around those who drag me down. In order to serve my Lord, I have the choice of who to be around and not.
I'd rather be around those who I can talk about the Lord than those who ask, you got any money?

Now this in just my opinion. We all have a choice.

Connie Lou



MrsTracy72 -> RE: When is it okay to end a friendship? (7/21/2008 11:39:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bella05

Thanks you so much. How do I end the friendship without an argument? Should I just ignore her?
I'm not so good with confrontation. I got in an argument with her a while ago and she became very angry and emotional.
If I get in a serious discussion with her, I know that I will get all choked up/nervous and not say what I really want to say.
It's so frustrating. I'm praying to get better at it.



I don't think that God requires us to be friends with everybody. As for ending the friendship without an arguement, I am sure that will take care of itself. Do you call her or does she call you? Just back off from whatever it is you are doing and make yourself less available to speak to her. Eventually, she will go find someone else to listen to her blow her steam. I have ended a few relationships that way. We weren't very close to begin with and so just limiting contact eventually ended up with no contact and no harsh words or actions.



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