when does divorce anger fade (Full Version)

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nm1016 -> when does divorce anger fade (6/16/2008 5:15:09 PM)

My husband left one year ago after 19 years of marriage. Two yrs earlier he had confessed that he was in love with someone else (also married) but agreed to go to counseling. We tried several different counselors, but his heart was never in it. We have three kids; 17,14,9. He finally said he just didn't have the will to go on any longer. (he and the other woman work in ministry)

I am surprised at how angry i still am. I'm angry at them for killing my marriage, angry at those in my church family who never held him accountable, angry at my kids for not being angry at him and her, angry that all my dreams for growing old with him are gone.

It's like they murdered my best friend; but there was no funeral, no trial, no punishment, and no one remembered her birthday. The murderers are walking around getting on with their lives (they both still work in the ministry;he had to change jobs/ she still has her same job) I want to scream...."They killed my marriage!"

I know this is a grieving process and will move along faster if i can forgive them....do any of you have any advice on making forgiveness easier?



evryknee -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/16/2008 5:36:09 PM)

I'm sorry for all your losses. Forgiveness is not easy and I don't think it can be made easier. It was never meant to be easy. I think you are right that forgiveness is the answer. A few ideas:

1) Read the parable on forgiveness in the gospels about the king forgiving the servant and the servant not forgiving his debtor. Think of your anger as sin (b/c it is) and ask God for His forgiveness for your sins. This is the first step, I think.

2) View anger as a form of slavery, self-protection, and itself can be a form of vengeance "They don't deserve my love or forgiveness, so I will hold it against them."

3) Pray for your husband and those who have hurt you...asking God to have have vengeance or mercy. God's wrath is horrible. At times you will want this b/c of the hurt. When thinking about, though, you have received mercy and may want them to have mercy. Either way, you leave it in God's hands & not your own.

4) Ask forgiveness from your children and others whom you have been angry at.

5) Go into counseling for yourself to work through it with someone.



ChoirDJ -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/16/2008 6:35:55 PM)

nm1016, forgiveness becomes easier if we trust God as the ultimate administer of justice. We have a hard time forgiven because in our eyes something happened that was so unfair and it appears the offender is getting away with it. God will deal with your husband in due time. The important thing for you is to not spend your time marinating in the pain that little else becomes important.

I must confess that it appears quite odd that everyone (including the children) seems to be siding with your husband. This hints at people possibly sympathizing with your husband for leaving although they may not have condoned it and that leads to the next issue - being gut-level honest about what role you played in the breakdown of the marriage. Over the marriage, what types of things did your husband complain about on a recurring basis? Honestly, were you responsive to those complaints or did you make him feel that his opinions weren't valid? Were you respectful towards him even if you didn't agree? Did you take it for granted that he would always be there and wiuld put up with however you treated him? Once again, the answers to these questions are not to justify his behavior but it will be constructive toward you growing as a person and healing. These are just some common complaints I hear from men who stray. When you say "they" killed your marriage, you seem to be putting all the blame on your husband and the other woman.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/16/2008 6:54:20 PM)

Pray for them. Pray for everyone you are angry at. And if you are really angry at God, you will have to work through that, as well, and not hide your anger at Him behind your anger at everyone else and the situation as a whole.



the_mom -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/16/2008 7:29:18 PM)

A similar thing happened to me, and I can tell you that it takes a long time for the anger to fade. First, your kids will never show much anger toward your ex-husband, because he is still their dad, and they want to keep their relationship with him. Don't make them feel bad because they are not picking sides.

Second, you mentioned your church family. If you still go to the same church as your ex and his girlfriend, I would think about taking a break and finding a church where people don't know both of you. Find a place of your own. Being around them is like picking off a scab, and you just hurt yourself all over again. I did not have to change churches, but I did start doing things that were just for me. Now, I belong to two Christian groups who are very supportive and interesting, and I don't think much about my ex anymore. I belong to other groups, too, related to one or more of my expensive hobbies. I find the company satisfying and entertaining, even though these groups are more casual than the Christian groups.

Third, it's good think of what you are going through as grieving, just like you would for a friend who died. I found grieving advice more helpful than a lot of divorce advice, which a lot of times centers around dating. Blech. Get a counselor outside your church. Find someone who has no background knowledge about your situation and who will listen to what you are going through.

Fourth, I know it's hard, but eventually, you just have to stop being angry. It's like quitting smoking. You can talk about it, worry about it, rationalize it, but eventually, you just have to quit. One year during Lent, I fasted from saying bad things about my ex-husband, and it changed me. I started thinking about other things because I had to. I had to form a new habit. I wasn't always successful, but it was a very eye-opening experience, and everyone noticed. Especially my kids.

And remember that you are loved. Your kids love you. God loves you. And so do many others, I imagine. Make sure that you love yourself and forgive yourself, too.

The_Mom (Susan)



truthrevealed -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/16/2008 7:47:22 PM)

I have never experienced divorce but I think the advice that the-mom gave is edifying, encouraging and spoken from a heart of love for her "sister" in /christ.



angelwannabe -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/16/2008 8:01:23 PM)

I also agree with The_mom... Its easier said than done!! I've experienced the same feelings that you have mentioned even though we have not divorced, he still is in contact (texting, calls) with his "friend". That's what he says they are now, just friends...lol... I find it hard to believe and yes I still am dealing with alot of negative/vengeful emotions!! But I had started reading the bible, mostly at first for verses that talked about his shortcomings or sins or what he should be doing. lol But then I started reading about what I should be doing, not just as a wife but as decent human being, as a child of God, and also for forgiveness for myself, him and her. and also for healing. I also had started a prayer journel, writing down prayers that I had copied or ones that I had made up from the heart. Out of my despair and pain I think I came up with some good ones. lol I also would tune into Joyce Meyers and Joel Osteen... which seemed to help... But its true, you do have to decide to just Do it! Love and respect yourself and go from there...



soundDRwife -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/17/2008 3:19:07 AM)

Don't have any advice but will be praying for you.



allisonbrett -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/17/2008 2:30:59 PM)

There is no time limit, sad to say. Time does not heal old wounds either but you can find wholeness after divorce. It may be tough but it is possible. Sometimes you have to face some things you may not want to face though.

What I suggest is going to Divorce care. You can google it and find a location. It's a program that goes over all the roller coaster of emotions: anger, bitterness, depression, etc. and gives a biblical prespective on each emotion. It's about learning and moving on beyond all those negative emotions and discovering the healing touch of our Heavenly Father. There are a lot of churches that have DC. You'll go through the program with others who are struggling with the same emotions. It's a wonderful program that I believe can really help you.

PS: I'm a former DC counselor and have seen the program in action.



hotsaucygma -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/17/2008 2:38:37 PM)

I was married 29 years at the time of our divorce. I have never been an "angry" person... I was shocked at the anger I felt! It takes time to get past it. They say it takes about 1 year for every 5 that you were married before you are back to "normal" (whatever that is) again. I would say that is about right. A year isn't really very long at all!

You have been given good advice by both YZGuy and the_Mom, and others as well. Forgiveness is first of all a choice, you can choose to forgive and ask God to provide the "feeling" of forgiveness as you can accept it. It doesn't happen all at once in my experience (the feeling part also comes and goes sometimes [&:]).

Become involved in activities you enjoy that are completely seperate from what you did with your Ex.

I also second the idea of finding a new church if you are not feeling supported in your current church, or if your Ex still goes to the same one.

I almost always suggest DivorceCare, it is a good group to attend. It touches on many issues you face as a divorced person and parent. They also have groups for kids now so your children might benefit from those too. It can also be a way to meet other single parents- not as in meeting to date! But as in meeting other people going through some of the same things that you are at this point in time.

Build friendships with other women! They will get you through many things, not just this.



ChoirDJ -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/17/2008 2:48:07 PM)

I second the recommendation of Divorcecare. A buddy and I went for the first time yesterday and it was a very positive experience.



hotsaucygma -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/17/2008 2:49:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ

I second the recommendation of Divorcecare. A buddy and I went for the first time yesterday and it was a very positive experience.
I am glad to hear that. It was truly an invaluable experience for me!



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/17/2008 3:03:30 PM)

divorcecare has daily email devotions you should sign up for. they are free and sequentially planned for a year. highly recommended.



freakofnature -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/17/2008 3:26:53 PM)

mm1016;

I just want to say that I too am divorced, father of 3 with my exwife. She left me and the kids for another man. She is paying the price for that decission in what is 7 years later but that doesn't make it easier for me or my kids. Also, I have remarried to a wonderful woman, and still it doesn't make things any easier.

All of the post here are great and should all be commended for their advice and prayer, I would also add that I catch myself being angry still yet today. Angry when I look about my children now, 12, 10 and 8, and I think about all that they have had to go through and all of what they will continue to endure for the rest of their lives. My ex went as far as not calling for the first 6 years, she has just now started to strike up a relationship with our children. She has not seen them since she left! Does that make me angry... you betcha it does. Now and until she gets off of her backside and treats everyone like adults. So you can imagine that it isn't a forgive and forget kinda scenerio. It is constantly reminding myself that I have to forgive her every time I get angry, every time I see my kids hurt that she missed her scheduled call or when they ask me if she is coming this summer to see them. (it is the end of june almost and she hasn't commited to seeing them this summer????)

mm1016; take your time, forgiveness will come and you may struggle as I have with continuing to forgive. No you can't harbor the emmotion forever but the rules change with each individual. Just be believing that God is guiding you and directing you through this and as much as you want control of the situation, you don't have any of that control, it all belongs to God and being angry isn't gonna make your husband come back, it is going to make you miserable.

My prayers are certainly with you in this time. I know it is difficult.



nm1016 -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/18/2008 11:26:40 AM)

Thank you all for your advice and encouragement. It means so much that you took the time to listen and respond. I feel like I've been given a huge hug from you all and it was just the nudge i needed to keep traveling down the road.



hotsaucygma -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/18/2008 1:56:17 PM)

You'll make it nm1016. Sometimes you won't feel like you are going to, but you will. And you may even find that life is better... I did. [:D]



buckifn -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/19/2008 10:32:10 AM)

I think you are too hard on yourself. Anger does not mean you have not forgiven. Jesus was angry. The Bible says be angry and sin not..it does not say never be angry.

Your husband betrayed the ministry as much as his marriage and I would be angry too if I were a member of your congregation and knew my pastor had done what you said. In fact he should have been forced to step down from the ministry.

Allow yourself to heal through counseling and accept your anger as a normal part of the healing process.



zoebob -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/21/2008 4:00:12 PM)

I will 3rd or 4th or whatever the recommendation about Divorce Care. If you find one with Divorce Care 4 Kids your 9 yr old will benefit from it too. They recommend in their program to allow 1 year of healing for every 3-4 years of marriage before attempting new relationships because it takes that long to heal from all the pain. So for 19 yrs of marriage it would not be surprising to need 5-6 years to truly get over it all.



Roberta_ -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/23/2008 3:07:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nm1016

Thank you all for your advice and encouragement. It means so much that you took the time to listen and respond. I feel like I've been given a huge hug from you all and it was just the nudge i needed to keep traveling down the road.


I don't really have any advice for you as my marriage is currently ending as well. However, I did want you to know that I'm praying for you.



georgerobbyjr -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/24/2008 12:26:00 AM)

Sometimes the only thing that prevents me from losing it is knowing that regardless of how unfair the world and hateful the people in it are, God is just. God does not work like the judicial system, no one will escape his wrath (even if it seems like they have), and God will judge every one of us. If a man leaves his wife for another woman, will being in ministry save him from God's wrath? Kind of ironic he is in ministry, he comitted one of the most blatant biblical sins he possibly could. I doubt others will not notice this, whether they tell you or not. I am quite certain there will be consequences for our sin whether we are saved or not.



jaimestarcross -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (6/24/2008 7:06:18 PM)

I suggest anger management ... letting that fire brew inside of you is dangerous... learn to properly deal with anger/hurts and take the first steps to moving on with the Lord.

Your marriage isn't your only goal in life... walking with God and doing what he lays
upon your heart is... when people leave us - it's that rock solid, unshakable bond with
God that will carry us through those dark valleys in life. Return to your first love - Jesus!

Our enemy(satan) is walking around like a lion seeking whom he can devour... satan's game plan is to render Christians helpless to serve God and that will prevent them from sharing the Good News of the Gospel with those who are Lost.



KPOP -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (7/4/2008 4:11:12 AM)

HI THERE.

I SEE HOW ANGRY YOU ARE AND EVEN BITTER

IT IS AN ALRIGHT EMOTIONS OR FEELINGS THAT YOU FEEL

THAT MEANS YOU ARE STILL ALRIGHT RIGHT?

BUT NOW YOU SAID ABOUT FORGIVENESS?

FIRST OF ALL -- BEFORE YOU TALK ABOUT FORGIVENESS?

DO YOU WANT YOUR HUSBAND BACK?

OR YOU ARE READY TO GO TO ANOTHER MAN'S ARMS

SOME WOMEN OUT THERE CANNOT GO THROUGH THAT YOU GO THROUGH

AND SOME MEN AS WELL CANNOT GO THROUGH WHAT YOUR HUSBAND IS DOING

BUT YOU ARE AN INDIVIDUAL -- WITHOUT THINKING RIGHT AWAY OF FORGIVENESS

IS TRY TO GET THE BITTERNESS AWAY IN YOUR LIFE

YOU NEED TO FORGIVE YOURSELF AS WELL

YOU MIGHT FEEL THAT IT IS YOUR FAULT

YOU MIGHT FEEL THAT YOU DO NOT SERVE HIM BACK

YOU MIGHT FEEL THAT YOU WORTH GETTING BACK

THIS THINGS MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH YOUR MIND

AND THAT IS NORMAL

SO THE THING NOW IS

ASIDE FROM FORGIVENESS

DO YOU WANT YOUR HUSBACK BACK?

IF YOU DO

THEN THAT IS WHERE YOU SHOULD CONCENTRATE

YOU CAN FORGIVE EACH OTHER -- ONCE GET ARE BACK TOGETHER

BUT FOR NOW -- TAKE AWAY THE BITTERNESS OUT OF YOUR HEART

AND LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF AGAIN

AND FEEL YOU ARE CONFIDENT OR TRY TO GET YOUR CONFIDENT BACK

SO YOU MIGHT LIKE PRAY TO GOD -- TO KEEP YOUR HUSBAND FROM FALLING INTO DARKNESS DEEPER

AND THAT GOD WILL GIVE YOU WAYS TO GET HIM BACK

BUT YOU NEED TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF

AND YOU NEED TO FEEL THE LOVE OF GOD FOR YOU

AND YOU NEED TO READ THE BIBLE IF YOU CAN

AND YOU NEED TO PERHAPS ALSO SEE IF YOU CAN FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF

IT IS HARD TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF -- IF YOU DO NOT SEE YOURSELF NICE

SO -- TRY TO START LOOKING NICE

BUT DO NOT HESITATE TO LOOK LIKE A BUMB SOMETIMES

THAT IS ONLY NORMAL

I DRESS BUMP ONCE IN A WHILE

IT IS SO RELAXING

I MEAN I REALLY FEEL COMFORTABLE WEARING BUMP CLOTHES

ESPECIALLY IN THIS HOT WEATHER

-- FOR A SECRET

JUST TO TAKE YOUR PROBLEMS OFF YOUR MIND

I THINK I GAIN WEIGHT

I HAVE BEEN EATING DOUBLE PORTIONS ON THE CHURHC POTLUCKS

AND MY STOMACH IS GETTING BIG

SO I NEED TO SLOW DOWN

AND I KNOW I AM NOT PREGNANT

BUT I SWEAR SOMETHING IS MOVING IN MY STOMACH

ON MY LEFT SIDE

AND IT LIKES TIGHTEN AND PULLS

I AM HEALTHY

I JUST HAD THE FLU AND THEY TOOK SOME BLOOD SAMPLES AND IT IS ALL GOOD

PLUS ALSO --

I HAVE BEEN EATING DOUBLE PORTION OF RICE IN OUR TRAILER

SO I SEE MY STOMACH BULGING

SO I NEED TO WATCH WHAT I EAT

SO I HAVE TO STAY AWAY FROM TOO MUCH RICE

AND I NEED TO STAY AWAY FROM SECOND PORTIONS

BUT THE FOOD IS JUST SO GOOD

SO DELICIOUS --AT THE CHURCH THAT I GO TO

IT IS HARD TO RESIST NOT TO HAVE SECOND PORTION

WELL -- PRAY FOR ME -- WILL YOU?

THANK YOU SO MUCH

KATHY



bosoxdd -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (7/5/2008 2:29:33 PM)

kathy will please cut out the caps and start using paragraphs.I cant even read 3 lines of what you type before getting a headache..thank you



creationtalk -> RE: when does divorce anger fade (7/5/2008 3:12:48 PM)

I'm very sorry that this has happened. I can relate. I was married less than a year and my husband left me--with a newborn-- for another woman. So yes, there is anger. And it will take it a while for it to go away. You will also find that things will make it come back at the strangest times. When my xh comes to my house and my son wants him to stay and play and xh agrees, it makes me so angry. He threw away that right, but he still takes it. And I feel like he is stealing that time from me just as he stole my dreams for our family.

I'm praying for you. The best thing you can do is give it to God. These things will not go unpunished. There are always consequences even if we don't see them right away. Also remember, forgiveness in not a one time thing. It is on-going. Every time the anger comes back, forgive again. Pray for them--I know this is hard, but Jesus said to bless those who curse us. If they are truly believers, then the guilt will eventually get to them. If they are not believers, then they are in need of your prayers even more (being in ministry is not a guarantee that the person is a believer.



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