As Fathers Day approaches...Do your parents or in laws control holidays (Full Version)

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theuscfan04 -> As Fathers Day approaches...Do your parents or in laws control holidays (6/13/2008 2:18:00 PM)

Just wandering because my parents seem to think they control every holiday and that my wifes parents get know choice of holidays, let alone my wife and I creating, our own holiday traditions.
My mother called my wife yesterday and just said ya'll come up about 1:30 for Father's Day. Not is 1:30 ok?, or do ya'll have plans already? It just really has gotten old with every holiday, but when I was a kid the only place we ever went was to my grandparents on Christmas afternoon, all other holidays we spent as our own family. But now they want us to join them for every holiday of the year, leaving us no options. I dont want to be rude, or hurt their feelings, but its just not fair to my wife, or to us, so I'm going to have to speak up and finally tell them we've got to come to a compromise.
Anybody else in a similar situation?



stamper_ben -> RE: As Fathers Day approaches...Do your parents or in laws control holidays (6/13/2008 2:24:26 PM)

Call your Mom back and tell her that you'll be by there in the morning to see your Dad and that you and your wife have afternoon plans. Then make some plans!



isaacsmom -> RE: As Fathers Day approaches...Do your parents or in laws control holidays (6/13/2008 2:33:26 PM)

quote:

I dont want to be rude, or hurt their feelings, but its just not fair to my wife, or to us, so I'm going to have to speak up and finally tell them we've got to come to a compromise.


I'm not in a similar situation, but I just wanted to say that you're doing the right thing by speaking up. [sm=thumbsup.gif]



crankius -> RE: As Fathers Day approaches...Do your parents or in laws control holidays (6/13/2008 2:40:15 PM)

My husband's parents were this way.

When we moved to the same area, my husband and I agreed to some rules. One thing we decided is that we would always check with each other when making plans.

"That sounds good. We'll check our schedules and talk about it and get back to you."

At first this took them by surprise, but over time it has worked out very well. They know we are a family with our own traditions and plans and activities, and they respect that.

This rule for us also keeps one of us from feeling cornered by the inlaws. When you are cornered, sometimes your brain stops working and you agree to things you shouldn't. By following our rule, we avoid a lot of hurt feelings on both sides.

We find good ways to include the inlaws, while at the same time establishing and keeping our own traditions.



Karaboo2 -> RE: As Fathers Day approaches...Do your parents or in laws control holidays (6/13/2008 9:09:03 PM)

Outside of dh and the kids, I have no family of my own ...

We do go to dh's parents for Christmas and Thanksgiving. All other holidays belong to us. This year, dh has to work on Father's Day, so we're going to do our thing tomorrow (Saturday) And then on Sunday, I'll take the kids to visit dh's parents for a swim & BBQ as a special treat for everyone.



csl7037 -> RE: As Fathers Day approaches...Do your parents or in laws control holidays (6/13/2008 9:10:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: stamper_ben

Call your Mom back and tell her that you'll be by there in the morning to see your Dad and that you and your wife have afternoon plans. Then make some plans!


I think this is a nice, subtle first step.



jaimestarcross -> RE: As Fathers Day approaches...Do your parents or in laws control holidays (6/14/2008 12:08:30 AM)

If you want to establish celebrating certain holidays then you have to make plans
and stick to them. Part of being adult and married is establishing one's marriage and whatever traditions you'd like to do... there's nothing wrong in taking turns hosting certain holidays.
Our celebrations are done unto the Lord not unto our family members.
If either of the parents decline to attend, that is their loss.
I remember planning a certain holiday event(Thanksgiving) and family didn't like it and they didn't attend - I had our own Thanksgiving (just me and my hubby) - my extended family learned I wasn't going to be manipulated. (They still don't come when I'm hosting a Thanksgiving dinner and that is their loss not ours. We attend other family get togethers and enjoy them (we don't say one word about them not attending the Thanksgiving dinner that I host ... they still get invited anyway.)
*As time passed I've invited neighbors, friends etc... to share in our Thanksgiving dinner and those have been some of the most special times. It's been a blessing to host the dinner for folks who don't have anyone to celebrate with or they have family that aren't on good terms.



Christian30 -> RE: As Fathers Day approaches...Do your parents or in laws control holidays (6/14/2008 12:35:16 AM)

For the OP... There's one issue that is not clear, though. If your in-laws have multiple children it's not easy to be flexible if they want to celebrate. My g'parents had 10 children and 22 g'children, so when they decided on a time to do something they just announced it, and you could go or stay. Most of their children had married others with small families.

You do need to address that you need holiday time with your wife's family, though, because you need to respect her, and as head of the family you need to make sure your in-laws are not left out of that part of your lives.

These can be uncomfortable issues.



buckifn -> RE: As Fathers Day approaches...Do your parents or in laws control holidays (6/14/2008 6:03:07 AM)

A lot of couples rotate years of which side of in-laws to spend which holiday with....we always tried to do Thanksgiving with the opposite one of Christmas...and our immed. family was Christmas Eve, no exceptions. Other holidays is usually a drop in time of 1-5 and when and if you can make it...not a "be there or else"

Nobody can control you without your permission, so if it is an issue you need to set boundaries and stick with them. You don't owe anyone an explanation for plans made with your spouse either.



Brandy -> RE: As Fathers Day approaches...Do your parents or in laws control holidays (6/14/2008 6:40:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn
Nobody can control you without your permission, so if it is an issue you need to set boundaries and stick with them. You don't owe anyone an explanation for plans made with your spouse either.


BINGO.

You are frustrated but you are allowing it and have so why should they expect any different?

Way past time to have a discussion. Make it sure it's friendly and non attacking.

Or just change tactics to what crankius uses "We'll talk and get back to you"

We visit my in-laws more on holidays since they are all located in the same area. It's just easier. But with a new baby on the way we will have to start rotating more for the grands to get their visits.



stateofgrace -> RE: As Fathers Day approaches...Do your parents or in laws control holidays (6/15/2008 9:07:20 PM)

My husband's family is very close, but there are a LOT of issues under the surface. Our children are very, very close. So we get lots of pressure to do holidays with them. It can be a challenge. We're here now. After just a few hours my husband stepped into the room where we are sleeping and said he needed a break to chill out!

A couple of years ago, the pressure started to take vacations together. I told hubby that once they started, it would be expected every year. Sure enough. My husband had to be the spoilsport this year due to his change of career (he doesn't get vacation days yet). I sure was glad he was the spoiler instead of me!!!!



loveleee -> RE: As Fathers Day approaches...Do your parents or in laws control holidays (6/16/2008 12:42:05 AM)

Say something to them. Me and my husband tell both sets of parents our plans to spend time with them (our way of juggling) on holidays before they have time to tell us. Now they expect us to call them and tell them the plans.



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