broken heart (Full Version)

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lilee -> broken heart (6/10/2008 9:44:56 AM)

I came home from work last night and talked to my husband about what he wanted to eat for dinner. He wanted me to go to the store and get something so I went and got some food. When I got home we ate and watched a movie. I fell asleep during the movie and when I got up he was on the pc. ( He had a wan't feeling good today and stayed home from work so he had the whole day to himself) I talked to him for a little and then went in the other room to watch tv. He didn't ever come in there to spend time with me. I was watching tv for an hr and a half. Then went for a walk with the dog. When I was out there I started thinking about my 1st love and how he made me feel. I started to miss that. I could not stop thinking about him. So I went in and told my husband that I missed him (DH) and how we use to do things and have fun together. I told him that I missed this other guy and that just broke his heart. I let him know that I have not talked to the other guy since we got married (4 years ago) that I just missed how I felt. I felt like our newlywed bliss was over and I wanted it back. DH feels like I tell him this all the time that he is not doing things good enough and I forget when he does do things sweet. I don't know why I'm thinking about this other guy, or why I feel like I'm not in love with my husband, or I need more.
I don't want to feel this way I don't want to hurt my husband anymore.
What do I do?



stamper_ben -> RE: broken heart (6/10/2008 10:11:42 AM)

Sit down next to him at the computer. Join in the activities that he is involved in. Make it so you both enjoy being together. Focus on him and not what is past and gone.



evryknee -> RE: broken heart (6/10/2008 1:42:01 PM)

I think your love for yor hubby is probably an immature love (selfish). That is a love that matters how I feel (being "in-love" or how he makes you feel). You correctly make the statement that you don't want to hurt him anymore - so that is a good step.

Your husband does not exist to make you feel the way you want to feel. That is using him for your own goal (to be loved). If he doesn't meet the "need" - then your thoughts went to someone who did. Soooo, choose to love him. Love is not love without choice. Choose to love your husband by getting rid of these thoughts and thinking of your hubby alone.

The newlywed feelings of being "in-love" come & go. But love is more than a feeling, it is actions, commitment, loyalty, sacrifice and a bunch of other things (I Cor 13:4-7).



stillabride -> RE: broken heart (6/10/2008 3:08:48 PM)

It can be really hard when our relationships with our husbands change over time. I think it's pretty rare that couples continue to experience that strong "in-love" feeling all of the time. I had many of the same feelings you are having now, but I finally had to realize that just because we don't always feel romantic love doesn't mean that we aren't in love anymore or that we aren't doing something right. I tried to focus on spending time with DH as a friend.

I like what the previous post said, go out of your way to spend time with him instead of expecting him to spend time with you. Even though you might not be having fun the whole time, at least you are getting to spend time with DH. What the 2 of you have will last unlike the wild romantic, "in love" feeling you had with your first love. Try to think of some new things to do together and don't worry so much when you both have some alone time. I think you will get used to this new kind of love like I did and begin to appreciate that you can be friends with DH (by just hanging out playing computer games or watching TV together) and also have times of romance and being lovers.



4IMPersuaded -> RE: broken heart (6/12/2008 9:17:22 PM)

Dear lillee, let me first tell you that I was a very young bride by today's standards. I married the man who took me on my very first date and I struggled through my twenties with feelings of doubt-- like maybe I had missed out on something. There was a bf before dh and I wondered about this "one who got away." This was almost two decades ago.

What I can tell you is this... I made a vow before him and more importantly before God. I made a promise to love and yes, obey. At some point I had to choose to love this man that I knew God had ordained as my life partner, despite his human imperfections (since I was the perfect wife and all-- NOT!).

I can tell you the easiest way to get out of this disasterous line of thinking. Find out what sorts of things make dh feel loved-- not just sex, loved. Do them for a week or two and see what happens. I'll bet you will find a whole new attitude pervading your marriage.

Dear one, treat yourself with gentleness, too. There will be bumps in the road. "Happily Ever After" is a dangerous lie that leads to unrealistic expectations. Dh is not the one who completes you, Jesus is. Don't set him up to fail like that. Think about whether or not you can hold up to the standard that you set for dh-- if you are honest, I doubt you can.

Be gentle and be careful about your honesty-- never lie or hold back communication, but when you are thinking about another man, is it fair to lay that on him? Take it to Jesus first, then if you feel you need to share then do so. Perhaps a better approach to the conversation you described would have been in telling him about the things he does that make you feel like he prioritizes you and how you miss that. Leave the old boyfriend in the past where he belongs.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: broken heart (6/13/2008 6:26:51 AM)

Can you imagine how you would feel if your husband came to you and told you he couldn't get an ex-girlfriend out of his mind and that you just weren't meeting his needs to feel good?

Yikes. [&:]

You made vows before God, for better or for worse. If this is all the "worse" it gets in you life, then you're a lucky woman. Let go of the old boyfriend and start looking for ways to connect with your husband. Honestly, you going off into another room and watching TV is no better than him sitting in front of the computer. It sounds like each of you is expecting the other to take the initiative, which means nobody's doing anything, which is your problem.

Since you recognize there is a problem, you be the one to take the first step. Don't tell him again and again that he's not adequate. Would that make *you* want to connect with him, if the situation were reversed?



4IMPersuaded -> RE: broken heart (6/14/2008 9:06:32 AM)

3cap makes a good point. What can you do to connect with dh and break the cycle that you two seem to be sharing?

Can I recommend a book? The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman opened my eyes in terms of relating to my husband. It is a pretty easy read. Dh expresses love very differently from me. Once I learned to recognize his "language" I could appreciate his expressions for what they are. We have each learned to express love in ways our partner understands as well. It may be the very tool you need to break this cycle.

Blessings!



carl54 -> RE: broken heart (6/14/2008 5:45:47 PM)

Lilee -- Telling your husband of four years that you were having fond thoughts about a former boyfried is a major screw up. By doing so you have brought a third party into your exclusive marriage circle. I think you ought to try really, really, REALLY hard to convince your husband that this was just an indiscretion on your part and let him know you would never go there again.



Annie64 -> RE: broken heart (6/15/2008 2:28:08 AM)

It may help you to develop interests you can persue together, or at least topics of conversation that interest both of you. Early in my marriage I realized my husband wasn't a talker and it wasn't a lack of love but he wasn't going to have long conversations unless he was very interested in what was being talked about. So I figured out what he would talk about, and developed an interest in that. He is a born teacher, so I'd ask him a question about one of his favorite topics and off he'd go, never realizing (until I told him), that the reason I asked was because I wanted to get him talking. He also likes war movies, a genre I hardly knew existed before I met him, and I wasn't really thrilled with when I did. But I was able to develop an actual interest in them, so that he and I could be doing something together. It may seem like he's getting the most out of it--you're doing what he likes and he's not doing what you like--but think of the rewards. You get new interests and learn something new. (I'm not saying do everything he likes that you don't. My husband has never been able to make a sports fan out of me, and he never will. I hate watching sporting events and will virtually never do it!). Best of all, you get to spend time with hubby. And who knows? Maybe he'll decide to give something you like a try sometime. My husband recently took me to an art museum at my request, feeling perfectly certain he was doing it only for me and he wouldn't enjoy it at all. But he did! We both had a great time! And consider the alternative. You can go on doing your own things and wishing it was different. I don't think that's what you want.

BTW, it works. DH and I just celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary. [:D]



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: broken heart (6/15/2008 3:57:35 AM)

quote:

If this is all the "worse" it gets in you life, then you're a lucky woman.



I was thinking the same thing. Compared to the abuse/affairs/porn use, etc. I have seen other women post about on this forum, your deal is pretty mild.

First of all, EVERYBODY needs down/alone time, your husband is no exception, plus you said he was not feeling well that day.

I don't blame your husband for wanting time on the computer, however, it would have been nice for him to go with you when you walked the dog. But did you ask?

I would suggest talking to your husband and telling him you respect his need for alone time, but you would also like couple time. Ask him if
maybe twice a week you could walk the dog together, and once a week go out for coffee together. A weekly date is good.

Also, you mentioned that your husband stayed home from work because he wasn't feeling well that day. That statement implies to me he has a good steady job. Kudos to him right there. Some husbands are unemployed. Does he get good health insurance through his work, that you get to be a part of? If so, let me tell you that, as a woman who has had many health insurance nightmares, you are a very blessed woman right there.

Is he faithful? You are blessed.

Also, as much as women would like them to, MEN CANNOT READ MINDS. Many men would be very obliging if their wives would just ASK. You want him to bring flowers home from work one day? Well, call and ask him to. You don't want him to forget your anniversary? Well, remind him when its coming up.

As far as missing that other guy, and telling your husband, that was a big no no. The minute you have a thought like that you need to repent and put in out of your mind. However, just trying not to think of him won't work, that will only make you think of him more. Instead memorize a scripture verse, and every time your mind starts to think about that guy, think of the verse instead. I think it was somewhat cruel to tell your husband that. Even if you had married that other guy, you wouldn't be on cloud 9 every day with him either. That's just life. Marriage is ups and downs. It includes things like dishes and diapers, as well as romantic moments.

Finally your #1 job, after living for God, is to be a good wife to your husband, not nesc. to make sure he is a good husband to you.



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