19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (Full Version)

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bcraig927 -> 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/1/2008 4:18:55 PM)

I have a nineteen year old that has an IPOD with speakers in the bathroom. She proceeds to turn this really loud at 6:30am. Sometimes it is on the weekend when others including myself are sleeping. She has to get to work early even on the weekend. It saddens me because I am a step-father and me and my step-daughter don't get along very well. I took it out of the bathroom once and she asked for it back. I did give it back to her and told her to keep it down. My spouse has told her several times to turn it down but she does not. My spouse said she is used to it. She also stated that if I am too firm or negative to the kids, they have threatened about not coming back when they are older. I know it is not true because I have done so much for these two step-daughters. I believe they will actually appreciate it when they are older. My spouse actually lets my step-daughter play loud music at 6:30am! I go to counseling and that is helping but it continues to be a lot of stress. I am not sure what to do. What would you do? By the way, please pray for me and my family. Thank you.



purplepixie87 -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/1/2008 5:12:59 PM)

I would let the young lady play the music as loud as she wants. Mind, this is coming from a 20 year old, but I don't really thing age matters. Because, in her mind, you are controlling her WAY too much. I know, I am still there. How long ago did you join the family? I'm asking out of curiosity. Because, to her, if you just recently joined the family, you are not an authority figure because you aren't her real father, and you aren't her mother. I am speaking out of experience in my own life day to day, as I said, I am still young myself. So I definitely still know what's going through our heads. ;)

With this one, I'd say let the mother have the last word. If you don't like the music, then all you really can do is stick some earplugs in your ears.



kohls356 -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/1/2008 5:15:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bcraig927
She also stated that if I am too firm or negative to the kids, they have threatened about not coming back when they are older.


Well she is older and she is still there so I don't think that is a problem. I usually am of the opinion that once the kids are over 18 we won't have too many rules. However this one would be a rule that would be followed because it is disrupting the family. I am not sure the dynamics of your family and since you don't seem to get along with your step daughter your wife should tell her that she needs to show some respect to the family and not listen to her music that loud. It is a shame she seems to be siding with her daughter.



pbaribeault -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/1/2008 5:38:12 PM)

While this seems like a parenting question, it's not really. There is no 'right' answer as to if a young woman should be allowed to play her music (as a freedom) or be restricted (as a courtesy)... both are valid parenting strategies.

The problem here is that you think one thing and your wife thinks the opposite, therefore neither of you can do anything (about the young woman, her behaviour, her attitude or the music itself) without that being just an underhanded way of saying to the other spouse, "I don't care what you think. I'm the boss here, and I'm going to do what I think is best... So there."

That being the case, if I were you I'd get my priorities in line and tell myself that having harmony with my spouse is far more important than my sleep or my ears. Then I'd allow myself to become convinced that letting the young woman 'have her head' in this area might be good for her in the overall picture, and be willing to give it a try.

By modeling this attitude, there is a reasonable chance that the next time you disagree, your wife will choose to be the bigger person and take this road... But even if she does not, someone has got to be the bigger person each time, or you are all going to rip each other to pieces. This might lead to you being 'walked all over' to some degree, and maybe couples counseling would go a long ways here... but it's the best plan that I can see for now.



bcraig927 -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/1/2008 6:36:51 PM)

The only reason why she (my daughter) is home is because she got in some trouble. She cannot go anywhere else. I am indeed tired of my spouse siding with our daughter. It makes a rough marriage. I guess my counselor has his work cut out for him. I see a counselor on a regular basis. My spouse went once. I wish she would go more but the timing is difficult.



mayfly -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/1/2008 8:47:15 PM)

Have you joined the family recently? Even if you haven't (but especially if you have) I would recommend going to a family counselor with your wife and stepdaughter(s?) if there are more issues than just the one you brought up. If this is the main sticking point, I think it would be best to just let it go--it's pretty minor in the grand scheme of things.

Personally though, I think that's rude behaviour on her part.



pbaribeault -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/1/2008 8:54:51 PM)

The only reason that your "spouse siding with your daughter makes for a rough marriage" is because you are choosing to be on the other 'side'.

If you were willing to take the high road by being supportive of an idea that you are not entirely convinced is for the best, you still might not have the best parenting practices, but at least you would have a relationship starting to be based on mutual support and harmony.

After all, for all that you are trying to implement a strategy that you think is right, you are not doing so and really can not do so, without your wife on board. So long as that is the case, sticking to your position doesn't do any practical good.

There is no scenario where the parenting strategy runs your way, so you might as well have the less-than-ideal strategy with harmony, rather than the less-than-ideal strategy plus strife.



Roberta_ -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/1/2008 9:02:05 PM)

When I was a kid and we did that, my dad would get revenge by blasting his music up loud. [8D]

That's probably how I came to appreciate Big Band Music. [;)]



NotDoneYet -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/1/2008 9:32:06 PM)

So she plays her ipod loud at 6:30...so? What skin is it off your nose?
Is this something you can live with or is it a control issue?
You say you and your step-daughter don't get along very well...and you're in counseling.
I think you need to realize that as a step-parent, your role is to support their mother, not be the one who lays down the law...
Pick your battles, and frankly this one isn't worth fighting

NDY



Chrystal-J-007 -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/2/2008 2:02:38 AM)

I think it's just common courtesy to keep things quiet when others are sleeping. When I rented a room to my uncle, I kept my tv and radio turned down (during the day) when he was sleeping because he worked nights. It a matter of respect for the other people who live in the house. It was my house and I was an adult who paid the bills there, but because I respected that he needed his sleep (and any noise I made would interfere with that) I stayed as quiet as I could.
...just my 2 cents.
Hope things work out for you.



Szaftoo -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/2/2008 9:58:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: purplepixie87

I would let the young lady play the music as loud as she wants. Mind, this is coming from a 20 year old, but I don't really thing age matters. Because, in her mind, you are controlling her WAY too much. I know, I am still there. How long ago did you join the family? I'm asking out of curiosity. Because, to her, if you just recently joined the family, you are not an authority figure because you aren't her real father, and you aren't her mother. I am speaking out of experience in my own life day to day, as I said, I am still young myself. So I definitely still know what's going through our heads. ;)

With this one, I'd say let the mother have the last word. If you don't like the music, then all you really can do is stick some earplugs in your ears.


This isn't about being 20, which is an adult, it's about being considerate of others in the house. My son is 20 and uses ear plugs in his IPod so he doesn't disturb what others are doing.

Also, when he married into this family, he became an authority figure and should be included in parenting. If not, the kids will pit the parents against each other to have their way.

bcraig, you are in a tough spot. If you offered to buy her earplugs, would she use them? You and your wife need to have a serious talk about being consistent with the girls. I will pray for you.



Flutebomb -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/2/2008 7:20:02 PM)

Regardless of the circumstances, you're a parent and one of the leaders of the house. You should have the authority to tell your SD to turn the music down or off and take the privilege of listening to it away. Since taking this authority would further any "peace" in the house, you could rage a war. What if you were to get up at 3 am and turn the TV extremely high? Would your SD hear it or wake up from it? A recording of a bugle call at 3 am outside of her bedroom played at top sound would be a great wake up call for her. The reason I suggest 3 am is because she gets up at 6 am. A 5 am wakeup call wouldn't phase her too much but I'm willing to bet a 3 am wakeup call would phase her as much as your 6 am wakeup call phases you.

Now that I think about it, we're told to love our neighbors as ourselves, pray for our enemies, and be peace makers. I doubt any of the above suggested would do any of that but I know it's funny just thinking about it. If, for whatever reason, you back out of the 6 am Music Battle, I suggest you purchase some ear plugs at a pharmacy or a pharmacy section. In the Air National Guard we call them "foamies" because the ones we use are made of foam. They form perfectly in your ear and mutes out or at least muffles extremely loud noises. It takes a bit to get used to but it's worth a try. Good Luck



purplepixie87 -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/2/2008 11:49:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Szaftoo

This isn't about being 20, which is an adult, it's about being considerate of others in the house. My son is 20 and uses ear plugs in his IPod so he doesn't disturb what others are doing.

Also, when he married into this family, he became an authority figure and should be included in parenting. If not, the kids will pit the parents against each other to have their way.

bcraig, you are in a tough spot. If you offered to buy her earplugs, would she use them? You and your wife need to have a serious talk about being consistent with the girls. I will pray for you.


Yes I know it's not about being 20, but he should give her some lee-way here until she gets used to him.

I didn't say that he wasn't an authority figure, I said in HER mind he's not. So he should give her some time to accept him as an authority figure instead of jumping right in and ordering her around.



saraimay75 -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/26/2008 1:49:49 PM)

If someone woke me up with loud music I would tell them to turn it down. It about respect for the others in the house.



daisies4u -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/26/2008 2:33:52 PM)

There are a couple of issues going on here.

1. The loud music early in the morning.

If this really bothers you, she should stop. Case closed. It is YOUR house and you find loud music disruptive that early in the morning. This is just common decency to the other members of the household.

2. You and your wife are divided on the issue.

This one IMO is the bigger issue. The actual music thing is such a minor issue compared to the problems that you could be having in a blended family. But, if this bothers you that much, why can't your wife support you? We are all made differently. Just because she doesn't see this as a big issue doesn't mean that it is not to you. And I think she should support you in this. BUT that is something that a professional counselor would need to work on with you. You can't make this important to your wife.



HSmom2 -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/26/2008 2:38:32 PM)

Hi,

First of all a few questions.

Whose house is it? Is it your house? Did they move in with you? Is it your wife's house, did you move in with her? Does it belong to both of you?

Does the 19 year old own the house? pay the mortgage? pay any rent? contribute in anyway?

It's called immature behavior, lack of respect for others, selfishness, thoughtlessness, and poss. rebellion.

How long have you been married? Are there any rules of the house?

You and your wife need to sit down and make some house rules. Like no loud music before everyone is up, no cursing or name calling, no hitting (works both ways). Too bad the wife didn't teach her kid this before you came along, but this is what you have to deal with. Good luck with that, because it sounds like maybe your wife doesn't really care enough to correct this.

You need to talk to the 19 year old and treat her with respect as a person. Tell her you will not tolerate name calling or cursing at you. Whatever she says, listen, repeat back, ask, is this what you are saying? Don't comment right away. Be interested in her as a person, ask about her day, what interests her.

Yes, I know the mindset that says, "give them everything they want or we will pay later because they will stay away from us". It is guilt driven. So why does your wife feel guilty? What is she trying to make up for?


May the Lord with you,
hsmom2



doinkdom -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/26/2008 4:06:55 PM)

With all due respect to everyone here...

Who is the head of your home? You, your wife or a 19 year old daughter. Step- or not, she's still your daughter now and living in your house, etc.

I'm not saying to take unusually strong, authoritative steps, but I would certainly be loving and firm about the expectations of loud music or noise so early in the morning. I am assuming you are being awakened by all this and that it's a real problem

It's a matter of respect for you, your wife and your home. She would not be able to play music, tv or games that loud in an apartment or she would get complaints from her neighbors which would lead to other problems as well.

So...enlist help from your wife if this is really an issue and the two of you become unified on the decision and stand by it. Whatever that might be and then present it to your daughter.

Using the get-out-of-the-house-and-never-come-back card is selfish and an awful thing for a kid to do. No matter what age. It's emotional blackmail pure and simple.

Secondly...they never really stay away.[;)]



IonMoon -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/26/2008 4:31:30 PM)

You can take any kind of authoritarian steps... and they may or may not get her to turn her music down... but for around $4, you can do what I do and just buy some ear plugs (and lead by example)!

For us, it is the opposite. I go to bed early and my dh & two teens (16 & 19) watch tv, talk, etc and the sound travels. BUT I need to sleep, because I get up at 5:30... now. I could lay down the law and say, I have to get up to work so you can have electricity so turn it off and be quiet. By why make them miserable? They aren't doing anything harmful.

They get to enjoy their tv and conversation... I get my sleep- everyone is happy.

Tara P



Ellie-Mae -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/27/2008 7:04:57 PM)

Not everyone can wear earplugs, and we shouldn't have to in our own home. The 19 year old should comply with her elders whose home. She is benefitting from being able to stay there, but she needs to learn common courtesy.

Indeed the bigger problem is between you and our new wife.



zoebob -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/27/2008 7:12:12 PM)

I agree that the bigger issue is with the wife.

I also think it's unreasonable to say that a person should be able to make enough noise to wake up others at what is not an uncommon sleeping time. Of course, I think that for the most part if your electronic device is loud enough that anyone can hear it in another room it's too loud: unless you are trying to play music through the whole house or floor for example or two rooms that are basically open to each other with no walls between. HOwever, a person playing music or TV for them self should never have it loud enough that anyone else can hear it if they don't want to.

ETA: I would also say that I believe a person's need for sleep trumps desire for entertainment...within reason. A typical 8-9 hrs at night or even during the day if you work 3rd shift is more important than someone being able to play a radio or watch tv



Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/27/2008 7:59:16 PM)

As a widow with two teen-aged children, I married my widowed husband who also had two teen-aged children. We six lived in a 5-bedroom house with one bathroom. Now, with four teens, anyone should know that wasn't easy on any of us. Nothing was easy on any of us. Further, we were all far from perfect, yet never would any of the children have even considered acting as this young lady has.

If she has a mental problem, then things should be handled accordingly. If she does not have mental problem, then there is something wrong there that should have been handled before she was 40 months old.

Most normal 19-year-olds are quite capable of making most of their decisions, keeping a job long-term, being dependable toward an employer and toward the family, supplying their own transportation to and from work, and taking care of such personal needs as clothing, toiletries, and extras. If the young person is in college, most require help, while the most ambitious can take care of themselves quite well.

For a 19-year-old to be so narcissistic is extremely unusual. She needs help, but help is not coddling her selfish desires. You will do her no good kowtowing to her bad egocentric self. If you do, when she is thirty and still unable to feed and clothe herself, unable to keep a job, and unable to pay her bills, I hope she comes back and pays you back for your own bad behavior and foolishness, because that would be what it is.



IonMoon -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/27/2008 9:32:24 PM)

Right- there are obviously from this and other posts by the OP some very serious issue going on here-- which is why I think pushing this issue, being strict about things where other solutions could be explored. is not going to help.

That's why I think it is best to ignore this issue and get to the important stuff.

Tara P



paul_j_preston -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (6/28/2008 1:05:14 PM)

You probably have a legitimate complaint. When you live with other people, you can’t always play your music as loud as you want when you want. Even if she were living with other 19 year olds, they might not all want to hear loud music at 6:30 in the morning. Also listening to loud music in an enclosed space like the bathroom is no doubt damaging her hearing.

But because you don't get along with your step-daughter, she is going to take pretty much everything you say as another instance of your being negative and hypercritical. Moreover, you wrote your wife says she is used to the music in the morning. So is this something your daughter was doing before you joined the family? It sounds like your daughter has precedence on her side. Just as your daughter has to respect others in the house, you have to adapt to those you are living with. Everything should be changed merely to suit you.

Others have pointed out there is a bigger issue involved. Your wife and the kids think you are too negative. The kids have threatened not to come back when they are older. You risk alienating everyone. I agree counseling is in order so you can learn to communicate better with the kids. (And they may have to learn to communicate better with you. ) If you learn to communicate, your kids will be more likely to listen when you have a legitimate complaint.

This is something that will taka a lot of work and will not be done all at once. Start small. It sounds like you are quick to point out when the kids do something wrong. Try pointing out what they do right. Compliment you kids; praise them when they do something right. If everything is not negative, they will start to hear what you say.

Good luck!!



MyMasquerade -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (7/4/2008 9:13:00 AM)

You are in a very hard situation all the way around. As a single mom I understand the moms point of view, but I see to that she is enabling them to ruin your relationship.

Take it out of the bathroom and don't give it back. Everyone deserves peaceful sleep.



hebch12 -> RE: 19 YEAR OLD WITH LOUD MUSIC (7/4/2008 8:13:40 PM)

You should be thankful she is working and has a job, and actually gets ready to go. I would be thankful.



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