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sunshinesoprano -> My Word from The Lord (5/29/2008 10:02:19 AM)
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Joy's post gave me the courage to post what God has recently revealed to me.
It may seem completely insignificant but, I'll share nonetheless.
My way of handling my life-long singleness turned from despair to denial over the past few years. It was just easier to pretend that it wasn't the road for me than to acknowledge the gaping hole in my heart.
Some of you may remember the vast revelation God gave me about 2 years ago after my group sang at a little church of God in Valdosta, GA. That was the beginning of my healing, but there were still other things that had to happen first.
As I mentioned in Joy's post, the enemy has always had me thoroughly convinced that because of my body of larger than ideal proportions, I was undesirable to men. That regardless of my great eyes, my hourglass shape, and loving personality, it was hopeless, simply because I didn't "look right." Give up, game over.
It didn't make it any easier that I'd actually been asked out once as a joke, and that the only people that seem to be attracted to me are married men whose trophy wives turn out to be duds.
It has haunted me my entire life. I've always thought if I could be a little thinner, a little prettier, a little more modern in my dress, or have a more outgoing personality with strangers and not get shy immediately, things might be different.
But, starting in the EARLY morning of May 19, something started happening.
My mom had kept my car while we went out of town to sing because it has functioning A/C and her's doesn't. We were waiting on the local Bi-Lo parking lot for her to meet us about 2ish in the morning and I made the comment, "My mom drives like a granny." John, our bass and fearless leader, who is like my big brother and ALWAYS making comments like this says, "She's just getting ready." I told him to hush and he repeated it again, quite non chalantly.
I thought nothing of it until the next week when almost every conversation I heard, every show I watched, every email I received, was about being a mom. And of course, being a mom comes with being a wife (at least ideally.
It was sort of wierd, I thought.
Then, as I was dealing with some old "stuff," and praying, the Lord spoke to me. It seems like it's almost always in the same place on the interstate He speaks, too...kinda wierd.
He said, "This isn't all about you. This is all about me. There is nothing YOU can do to make this happen or change your situation. Your looks, your personality, nothing. This one is in MY hands, and when it happens, it will be for MY glory. And it will be amazing."
It was sort of odd that I received it that way, because a friend of mine received a promise from God and had to wait many years for it to be fulfilled. She was always an inspriation to me, but my thoughts were always, "I don't have that promise. God never promised me anything. I don't have anything to hold on to."
Now I have a promise.
Interestingly, I went down to my old department to visit some friends yesterday at work and stopped by the desk of one who'd recently been married. We talked about some funny events and her "bridezilla" moment, when she changed the subject, looked at me and gave me a nod saying, "By the way...when are we going to get to plan your wedding?" I laughed and said as soon as someone found me a husband.
That was so out of the blue for Jenny to bring up because we'd never really talked about that before.
So now, I have a promise, and while I still fight the "you're too fat, too unattractive, too shy" voices in my head, I have something to hold on to. It feels like it's very close.
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