Advice and Encouragement (Full Version)

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helpfulwm -> Advice and Encouragement (5/19/2008 7:22:11 AM)

Hi. I am new here. I need some encouragement because I am really hurting. My husband of almost 4 years recently told me that he is not in love with me and he never was in love with me. He said that he only married me because he felt pressured to do so. We were not pregnant or anything, he just felt me saying, "marry me or else" and married me because it seemed the right thing to do. I never said that, he just felt that is what I was implying. We dated 2 years and 11 months, and we were engaged for 1 year and 1 month. He said he began to feel that he didn't want to be with me, but I chased him and he wasn't able to make the best decision. Before we married we went through 2 different types of pre-marital counseling through our church, one before we got engaged, one while engaged. He never told any of the counselors he was having doubts about marrying me. The one we took before we got engaged counseled us first separate, then together.
I feel so hurt! I feel like our relationship hasn't been real. When I look at our wedding pictures, I feel like it doesn't really mean anything because his heart wasn't in it. He says he loves me and wants to work on the marriage. We bought a house when we first got married and I feel like the only reason he wants to work on the marriage is because he doesn't want to loose the house because he can't afford the house payments by himself. I feel so stupid! And depressed! And hurt!
No, we don't have any children. He is hesitant about having children and have been for the past 2 years. Now I understand why.
I am 33, he is 29, now.



evryknee -> RE: Advice and Encouragement (5/19/2008 8:20:49 AM)

I am sorry to hear of your situation. Your relationship, your feelings for him, were and are real. I think he has a people pleasing part of him - or most of him - I do not think he even knows who he is. Even though you've been to pre-marital counseling years ago, perhaps returning to Christian counseling with this new information would be good. Even if he is unwilling to go - you should go by yourself - so that you will get some advice from someone who will know the situation even better and work with you through the struggle. He said he's willing to work on the marriage...so counseling is where you start the work. Blessings



Szaftoo -> RE: Advice and Encouragement (5/19/2008 9:28:45 AM)

I am so sorry for what you are going through and can't imagine how painful it must be. I agree with YZGUY, get into counseling to help you understand and deal with this and I will pray for both of you.



Emaleth -> RE: Advice and Encouragement (5/19/2008 6:17:02 PM)

I truly feel for you and your situation. Sometimes it's hard to focus on the positives of a situation when so much hurt is involved and I know his recent confessions are so very hurtful. But, "He says he loves me and wants to work on the marriage." That's a positive thing. Counseling is an excellent option and IMO, it would be very beneficial. Beyond that, try to focus on his recent honesty with you and remember that he said he loves you (now) and wants to work on the marriage. Be open and honest with him about your hurt and try to listen with love and understanding to his responses. If you feel he only wants to stay with you because of the house, ask him it that is true rather than trying to guess if it is. Sometimes we can come up with logic in our minds that isn't really what the other person is thinking. One little thing I have found so helpful, while you are talking, sit close together and hold hands. It's really hard to become angry when you're holding hands and you're more apt to truly listen if you are not angry. Counseling, open and honest communication and prayer and faith ... God bless you!



truthrevealed -> RE: Advice and Encouragement (5/20/2008 12:15:41 AM)

Unless there were indications in the past that he felt forced or coerced into this marriage(or something of the sort), as painful as it MUST be to hear him say these words my first inclination would be that he's speaking them out of some personal hurt. You dated long enough for him to decide to be married if he's now recanting perhaps he feels pressure, fear, lonliness or discouragement that has nothing to do with you yet he's taking it on on the person closet to him. I pray that God grants you the strength to endure this time trusting Him to keep you---and He will!! Don't panic, your husband is dealing with something(HE probably doesn't understand what it is)but hurting people hurt people. If you gather your sap(strength)from God during this painful time it may be the stability that your husband needs to see to help him with his apparent pain. God bless you!!



futuremartyr -> RE: Advice and Encouragement (5/20/2008 6:36:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: helpfulwm

Hi. I am new here. I need some encouragement because I am really hurting. My husband of almost 4 years recently told me that he is not in love with me and he never was in love with me. He said that he only married me because he felt pressured to do so. We were not pregnant or anything, he just felt me saying, "marry me or else" and married me because it seemed the right thing to do. I never said that, he just felt that is what I was implying. We dated 2 years and 11 months, and we were engaged for 1 year and 1 month. He said he began to feel that he didn't want to be with me, but I chased him and he wasn't able to make the best decision. Before we married we went through 2 different types of pre-marital counseling through our church, one before we got engaged, one while engaged. He never told any of the counselors he was having doubts about marrying me. The one we took before we got engaged counseled us first separate, then together.
I feel so hurt! I feel like our relationship hasn't been real. When I look at our wedding pictures, I feel like it doesn't really mean anything because his heart wasn't in it. He says he loves me and wants to work on the marriage. We bought a house when we first got married and I feel like the only reason he wants to work on the marriage is because he doesn't want to loose the house because he can't afford the house payments by himself. I feel so stupid! And depressed! And hurt!
No, we don't have any children. He is hesitant about having children and have been for the past 2 years. Now I understand why.
I am 33, he is 29, now.


I wish I could take away your hurt. Biblical love is not a feeling. As believers we choose who we love, including our spouses. If he does not choose to love you no amount of counseling will help. It saddens me the number of so called Christians who take a very important covenant they made with the lord and treat it as though it was never made. A promise is a promise. Even if you lied in the covenant, God holds you accountable for making the covenant. What you need to do is show you husband you are willing to obey God and show your husband a gentle spirit, 1 Peter 3. If he said he never loved you he has the world's view of what love is. I agree with the other posters, see another biblical counselor. I am curious of what he thought would happen if he didn't marry you. I pray a counselor will be able to show him the truth from the word, it's not your job, just love him. stay in the word yourself and in constant prayer for your husband, marriage and yourself. meditate on these things when deaing with your husband
Galatians 5:22
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
2 Timothy 2:13
if we are faithless, He remains faithful—for He cannot deny himself.
8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9What you have learned and(N) received and heard and seen(O) in me—practice these things, and(P) the God of peace will be with you.



helpfulwm -> RE: Advice and Encouragement (5/22/2008 7:47:59 PM)

Thank you, everyone, for such encouraging words. I really appreciate that!



blessednw -> RE: Advice and Encouragement (5/22/2008 9:29:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: helpfulwm

Thank you, everyone, for such encouraging words. I really appreciate that!


helpfulwm,
I feel for you. I know how it is to be in shock and hurt over rejecting words. I encourage you to look to Jesus and recognize that your husband is probably being worked on my the enemy right now. The enemy of God (and true marriage) wants to get people off into deception and to question God's goodness in their lives. Try not to let these cruel words lodge in your heart, but recognize them as untrue.

And guess what? When we marry our lifetime mate at the altar, most people are not being coerced. He could've stopped it if he did not want to marry. Once he has made the vows, even if he is thinking he remembers the doubt, he is still accountable to God.

Is this a first marriage for you both?



helpfulwm -> RE: Advice and Encouragement (5/23/2008 7:42:21 AM)

Yes, it is both of our first marriage. My husband does not have a whole lot of experience in relationships. And, he did not have a good example in his father of what a good husband and father should be like. I realize how important prayer is during this time. Part of my prayer is that he befriends Godly men who follow the Bible way of being a father and husband.



New_DAJ -> RE: Advice and Encouragement (6/11/2008 5:36:55 AM)

It sounds like there has been some good advice given in the previous posts. On a practical note . . . I read a linked that you also posted about the situation at the gym. I am sad to say that I have been in a painfully similar situation. Although I was assured that this other woman was only a friend, my husband began treating me with increasing coldness and cruelty. He too expressed to me that he wasn't sure if he really ever loved me, etc. etc. After 8 months of rising tension in our relationship, he admitted to having an affair with this person throughout the entire 8 months. I wanted to believe my husband, but in fact he had lied to me the whole time. I too do not understand how a Christian man can make such choices.

I realize now that many of the hurtful things that my husband said during this time were out of the guilt and sin that he was experiencing.

What is a concern in your situation is that he is not letting you sign up at the gym. When one has an affair, they often create a secret 'fantasy world' with this other person - at least in their mind - and he does not want you to enter it.

I hape it is not too late, but I would seek help.



FindCaleb -> RE: Advice and Encouragement (6/19/2008 2:33:10 AM)

Hi Helpfulwm,

That sounds like a difficult situation. I definately feel for you in it. As others have said, counseling would be a great start. I can imagine that would be very difficult. I'm not married and cannot speak from a married relationship, but it sounds like your husband is having a hard time seeing things from your perspective.

I'm not a big fan of adult guys/and girls being terribly deep friends. It just doesn't work out. We're not little kids in the sandbox anymore. We're adults and we form strong emotional and physical ties to each other. He may say it is innocent and it may be... for now. But he needs to realize that bad things can happen when you set yourself up for that. And even if nothing would come from it, he should WANT to stop meeting her simply because of the strange position it puts you in.

If you can try and explain to him how he might feel if you started hanging out with an attractive co-worker after work. If you had formed bonds together and then decided they were innocent. I doubt he would be ok with that.

I had a girlfriend once that was "best friends" with our mutual guy friend. He actually set us up. I dated her, and at the same time she had her "best friend" (we'll call him) Joe. I knew Joe and on the guy level, could sense he had feelings for her. I told her this and she didnt' believe me. She said it was totally platonic and they did not feel that way about each other. I blew it off, but still teased her that "he likes you..". He also denied it to me when I confronted him. But he was very nervous talking about it with me... (of course he was)

She and I broke up for different reasons and ended on good terms. We're actually still friends. "Joe" didn't wait more than a month after our break up to drive over to her house and confess his deep feelings of being in love with her. She was shocked and it finally ended their relationship.

She called me and told me I was right about "Joe". They weren't platonic friends (although she claimed she was and was oblivious to him). Needless to say Joe and I are not friends any longer.


We're not kids in a sandbox any longer. We're adults and we're emotionally and sexually attracted to the opposite sex. I think to be in a healthy relationship, both have to realize whats at stake, and take proper precautions to protect the relationship. If my (current) girlfriend came to me and told me that a "friend" of mine made her feel uncomfortable, whether I agree or think she is paranoid, I need to protect her first and distance myself from my "friend".

See if there is a way to help him realize whats at stake and what it is doing to you. You may not necessarily be able to "prove" that an affair might start, but help him to see the danger and more importantly what it does to you.



APreciousOne -> RE: Advice and Encouragement (6/23/2008 2:35:13 PM)

AMEN, Caleb!!!



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