Divorcing an Abuser (Full Version)

All Forums >> [People] >> Women Only



Message

smiles4all -> Divorcing an Abuser (5/17/2008 7:39:07 PM)

I had originally posted this on the divorce thread and was invited to post it here.

In the last few days I have become more confused and troubled than I have ever been. I became a Christian in 1996 and two years later married another Christian. This was my second marriage and his first at age 38, I had a 6 year old son. After 9 years of praying for change I couldn't take it anymore. Two years ago I filed for divorce - my husband is a verbal and emotional abuser. A few times he came close to hurting me and he would get very violent and destroy things in the house. I cannot even explain the pain and suffering he caused to me and my son. All my phone calls and mail had to be screened by him first and he had to approve of the people I hung out with. In the midst of it all I had another son. I was praying that he would change but things got worse. As of this past September we are separated and he finally left the house. Since then there has been peace in my house. After all these years I finally feel safe coming home and sleeping in my bed. My oldest son is happier but still has a lot of emotional problems. My little one is dealing with his father not being around. I know God does not like divorce and it is not like I woke up one day and just decided to get divorced. I will admit I am not perfect and I am sure I didn't help the situation any. Maybe I could have pushed harder for him to get help. I am also undergoing church discipline. The next step is outing from my church - the only place where I have friends. I would no longer be able to get together with any of them. I know the Pastor's are trying to protect the flock by removing a sinner from their presence. They want to see us reconciled but my husband will not get help for his problem and only wants to get back together. I am trying to protect myself and my family and don't understand why I have to go through this process. I am trying to escape an abuser and I am being punsihed for it. I know in 1 Corinthians where Paul talks about a wife being separated and remaning single. That is fine with me as I would never trust a guy again. The past few days have been pretty rough as I just received notice about the eventual 'outing'. I have been hurting for a long time and this make it worse. I keep asking God why this has to happen. I do not want to walk away from God. I do not want to be exiled from my church and friends who I need right now. All I want is to feel safe.

I apologize if I have offened anyone and for the long post. The bible indicates acceptable divorce for adulterers only. But what happens with victims of abuse? I have read through the bible to find anything on abuse but didn't. I tried to get divorced on adultery but I guess my husband's lustful comments about beautiful women and hanging out with the 'hot chick' (his words) down the street isn't really adultery. I am really confused - I was a baby Christian when we were married and instead of helping me grow in my walk with the Lord he destoyed me and my son.



manda59 -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/17/2008 8:01:06 PM)

quote:

I am also undergoing church discipline. The next step is outing from my church - the only place where I have friends. I would no longer be able to get together with any of them. I know the Pastor's are trying to protect the flock by removing a sinner from their presence


I am so sad for you that on top of everything this is happening to you. I pray that you will be able to find another church where you will be loved and accepted.

I have a friend in CA - his wife cheated on him, and when he divorced her, he was told he could no longer be a member of the worship band, since he would be a divorced man. I was sad for him, and I am sad for you now.



smiles4all -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/17/2008 8:50:38 PM)

I have friends at my church that I can talk to and my kids have friends too. It would be difficult to leave so I pray that something can be worked out.



daughter_of_faith -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/18/2008 2:07:31 AM)

First of all, it is NOT your fault that your husband is the way that he is. I don't believe you mentioned that; however, I know from experience that is a thought that is there.

Openly lusting after another woman is committing adultery. The Bible states this in Matthew.

What denomination is your church? It MAY be in your best interest to find a new church if your current church cannot or will not support you in your decision to divorce your abusive, adulterous husband. You stated that you have tried for years to make things work. Trust me--you've given it your best shot. Don't be so hard on yourself when you say, "Maybe I should have tried harder to get him some help."

A person has to WANT help before s/he can be helped. It's human nature. Until that time....people go on thinking they are destined for "sainthood".

Keep praying and diving into the Bible. This will help you to grow & heal.

Praying for you. I really do pray for your church as well. When I went through my divorce, I felt some of the same "pains"--however, there was never a possibility of being cut off from my brothers and sisters in Christ. All of us have sinned. Let the one without sin cast the first stone. (Not my words, but the words of Jesus paraphrased).



MyMasquerade -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/18/2008 11:09:44 AM)

Am I understanding your post that your church is basically throwing you out because your husband is an abuser?

I went through the same thing with my ex husband he was an abuser, physically and mentally. The only thing was mine didn't claim to be a Christian.

I went to a friends pastor for counseling when I had, had enough. Louisiana has a covenant marriage and you can only get divorced for a couple of reasons without waiting for two years. One of those is abuse. I don't believe that God would expect you to stay in a marriage with a man who is abusing you. Your church should be helping you also. You didn't ask to be abused and they should stand up for you since you don't have anyone else to do it.

I am so sorry you are going through this but please get away from this man and stay away. Do it before he hurts you or even worse what would happen if he killed you? Then your boys would have no one.



clag4christ -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/18/2008 11:27:04 AM)

quote:

I know the Pastor's are trying to protect the flock by removing a sinner from their presence.


Ah...so if they're removing sinner's from the congregation then no one should be there this Sunday or next Sunday, or the following, etc., etc., right? That is just silly thinking and not Biblical.

While God doesn't like divorce, and even though you've filed, you're protecting yourself and your children from abuse. If your church wants to remove the speck from your eye they really should remove the logs from their eyes.

Before telling you that they would be shunning you did they first offer you say, a safe haven to keep both you and your children safe in the mean time? Did they require your husband to be in serious counseling and anger management?

I think your church leadership has really dropped the ball on this. It saddens me that you (or anyone) would be treated in this way...maybe you should starting looking at finding a spiritually healthy church...even if your friends still attend.


quote:

The past few days have been pretty rough as I just received notice about the eventual 'outing'.


If it were me I'd not be attending the Sunday that the 'outing' is supposed to take place...well unless of course the rest of the congregation is also going to be called up to the front and forced to confess to *all* their sin...



smiles4all -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/18/2008 3:03:18 PM)

My husband was supposed to get counseling and did for a few sessions. He is really not into it. As it was he forbid me to get help but I did anyway. It was another rough morning and some of my friends at church don't understand either. I haven't been outed yet and I think that some people won't stand for it.



CoeurdeLeon_ -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/18/2008 3:14:10 PM)

quote:

I think that some people won't stand for it.

I think you'll find this to be truer than you thought. And those that do stand for it, well, they really aren't your friends.

It is imperative that you find a healthy church and healthy Christians to support you. You have a lot of mixed emotions and are not thinking clearly and your current church is contributing to your confusion. Ousting "sinners" indeed.[>:] I expect they've ousted your husband? Or are you the only sinner because you filed for divorce and your husband gets a slap on the wrist?

I am truly sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Allow yourself to do whatever it takes to find people who will help you and give you sane counsel.

Blessings ~



smiles4all -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/18/2008 3:26:19 PM)

No, my husband is still there and I far as I know he isn't getting ousted because he doesn't want the divorce.



CoeurdeLeon_ -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/18/2008 5:01:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: smiles4all

No, my husband is still there and I far as I know he isn't getting ousted because he doesn't want the divorce.

There is something VERY wrong with this picture. Find another church. Please.



daughter_of_faith -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/18/2008 10:44:24 PM)

Smiles, are you comfortable attending the same church as your husband? I know I wasn't...especially with the circumstances leading to the divorce (and yours are very similar).

I know others have stated it and I said something last night....but your posts today have made it more apparent: please go find a new church, honey! I know you have roots in that church and have been there for a number of years (most likely---you haven't stated, but that's the impression I get). Do they know your husband is an abuser? And yet they are more supportive of him?

Something is off here. Christians are commanded to look after orphans & widows. Yes, you filed for divorce--BUT--is it something you wanted? Were you given a choice in the matter? It doesn't sound like it. You tried to get help for your husband. He went a few times, but has since stopped. You have sought help for your OWN healing (you go girl!) I guess I just feel like churches especially should be looking out for single moms (which is where you are at now). 1...it's a command. 2...yes, the woman may have committed sin (many do--as there are many many children born out of wedlock)....but...where are the men who fathered the child? They are JUST as guilty. In fact, they are commanded to take care of their child. A man who doesn't is worse than an infidel (not my words...check the Bible).

I guess the bottom line here is: please do your best to move on with your life. Continue to seek help in healing from this broken marriage. Part of moving on may mean relocating, but it definitely sounds as though it means a new church in your situation. Ever heard the Casting Crowns song about the east & the west? That's where our sins are cast. We're redeemed by the blood of THE LAMB. Someone treating you as a second or third class citizen because of choices you made (whether a mistake or not) is NOT right. Where are the arms reaching out in Christian love?!?!

(((hugs)))

We love you sister & I pray for your healing. It isn't easy. Feel free to PM me if you need anything.



smiles4all -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/19/2008 7:51:28 AM)

quote:

Smiles, are you comfortable attending the same church as your husband? I know I wasn't...especially with the circumstances leading to the divorce (and yours are very similar).

I know others have stated it and I said something last night....but your posts today have made it more apparent: please go find a new church, honey! I know you have roots in that church and have been there for a number of years (most likely---you haven't stated, but that's the impression I get). Do they know your husband is an abuser? And yet they are more supportive of him?

Something is off here. Christians are commanded to look after orphans & widows. Yes, you filed for divorce--BUT--is it something you wanted? Were you given a choice in the matter? It doesn't sound like it. You tried to get help for your husband. He went a few times, but has since stopped. You have sought help for your OWN healing (you go girl!) I guess I just feel like churches especially should be looking out for single moms (which is where you are at now). 1...it's a command. 2...yes, the woman may have committed sin (many do--as there are many many children born out of wedlock)....but...where are the men who fathered the child? They are JUST as guilty. In fact, they are commanded to take care of their child. A man who doesn't is worse than an infidel (not my words...check the Bible).

I guess the bottom line here is: please do your best to move on with your life. Continue to seek help in healing from this broken marriage. Part of moving on may mean relocating, but it definitely sounds as though it means a new church in your situation. Ever heard the Casting Crowns song about the east & the west? That's where our sins are cast. We're redeemed by the blood of THE LAMB. Someone treating you as a second or third class citizen because of choices you made (whether a mistake or not) is NOT right. Where are the arms reaching out in Christian love?!?!


It is very difficult to attend the same church. The only way I was able to obtain a separation was to agree that our son will remain in the same church (amongst other things like not being able to relocate unless the court agrees). My kids are hurt enough and I think for them to leave their friends would be worse. They are people in the church who knows he is an abuser but most don't. He is law enforcement and it is very easy for him to act like he is the victim. In our state the only way to legally get him out of the house since we have a child is through a legal separation.

I am still working through things and I want to have another meeting with the Pastor's and decons soon to see if I can't get this worked out somehow. I think as long as I don't go through with the divorce and just stay separated I may be okay.

For now I have to run off to school. I am in the process of trying to obtain my PhD in the midst of all this.

Thanks.



clag4christ -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/19/2008 11:49:29 AM)

quote:

It is very difficult to attend the same church. The only way I was able to obtain a separation was to agree that our son will remain in the same church (amongst other things like not being able to relocate unless the court agrees). My kids are hurt enough and I think for them to leave their friends would be worse. They are people in the church who knows he is an abuser but most don't. He is law enforcement and it is very easy for him to act like he is the victim. In our state the only way to legally get him out of the house since we have a child is through a legal separation.

I am still working through things and I want to have another meeting with the Pastor's and decons soon to see if I can't get this worked out somehow. I think as long as I don't go through with the divorce and just stay separated I may be okay.


So you husband is 'making' you stay at this unhealthy church and using your son as bait to do so?

You know, if it were me...seriously...and I was *forced* to stand up in front of the church and 'admit' that I was a sinner (we all are, duh!)...I'd give them something they wouldn't be expecting. I'd out my ABUSIVE HUSBAND! I'd stand up there and just start naming all the horrible abuse that he's committed against me for the past however many years it's been. And I'd not stop talking until it was all out in the air or I was out of breath in my body. If people in the church are supporting your dh because they think he's the victim I'd use that opportunity to clear the air and set the record straight.

Then after that I'd leave that church forever. I'd allow those that wanted to give me support to stay in my life. No one else would be allowed to communicate with me. I'd find a new church or move. I'd put my house up for sale and get outta Dodge.



Auben -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/19/2008 3:06:45 PM)

While Jesus doesn't talk about it in the Gospels, it was Jewish tradition and law that an abused wife could return to her family at any time. If she returns the husband could divorce her but he would need to return her dowry (I believe). They could also remain permanently separated.


I personally would not be able to attend church with an abusive Ex. Think of it this way, if you are outed from the church the church agreement issue with your husband is moot (unless your husband has him that weekend). If he wants your son raised in that church its in his own best interest to smooth things over.

If your friends choose to shun you after hearing your side of the story then it is not a healthy environment for you or your children. As difficult as this is, as hard as it is to start over you can do it. You can make new friends at a healthier church and your sons can too. Better that then have them learn that abuse is okay and protecting yourself is sinful.

Stand up for yourself and be honest. Sometimes that's all that you can do. God will protect and console you and send others to help you on your way. Some times in life seem to be tailor made to make us depend even harder on the Lord.

I'm praying for you sister.



Roberta_ -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/19/2008 4:06:05 PM)

Smiles- first off, welcome to the boards!

Secondly, I don't have any advice for you, but I will pray for you.



Mrs.X -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/19/2008 5:16:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Auben

While Jesus doesn't talk about it in the Gospels, it was Jewish tradition and law that an abused wife could return to her family at any time. If she returns the husband could divorce her but he would need to return her dowry (I believe). They could also remain permanently separated.

Agreed.

What the church is doing to you is called disfellowshipping. Some churches believe this is Biblical based on these scriptures:

In my letter I wrote you to quit mixing in company with anyone called a brother that is a fornicator or a greedy person or an idolater or a reviler or a drunkard or an extortioner, not even eating with such a man, Remove the wicked man (or woman) from among yourselves. (1 Corinthians 5 9-13)

Now we are giving you orders, brothers, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, to withdraw from every brother walking disorderly and not according to the tradition you received from us… For your part, brothers, do not give up in doing right. But if anyone is not obedient to our word through this letter, keep this one marked, stop associating with him, that he may become ashamed (2 Thess 3;6- 14)

Everyone that pushes ahead and does not remain in the teaching of the Christ does not have God… If anyone comes to you and does not bring this teaching, never receive him into your homes or say a greeting to him. For he that says a greeting to him is a sharer in his wicked works. (2 John 9-11)

A person is disfellowshipped for unrepented sin. I am not saying agree or disagree with this church practice because I'm still new, but I'm hoping you can understand that your church is just following what they believe to be right. They aren't picking on your personally.

Smiles4UAll, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but your husband did not commit adultery, therefore the divorce would be considered a sin (Matt 5:32). I am certainly not advising you to get back with your husband, but look at what I quoted of Auben's post. That is my understanding of how an abusive marriage should be handled without divorce...permanent separation.

If the church follows the disfellowshipping protocol, then your husband needs to be disfellowshipped too. He has not repented of his sin against you (not following what the Bible says about how husbands should treat their wives). Have you brought this up with the elders at your church?



clag4christ -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/19/2008 5:23:35 PM)

Christina,

This woman is *not* involved in unrepentant sin. Her husband is abusing her and the church *is* going after her. They are and have not supported her in her wish to fix her marriage and get her husband help for his anger/sin issues. Instead, because she's trying to save herself and her sons from further harm they are trying to shun her. It is absulutely atrocious that they would be doing this. Yes...divorce is a sin...however this woman, imo, is not sinning in seeking a divorce from her husband. He has not followed *his* commands to love and honor her as Christ does the church, and therefore has broken his promises and his oaths to her, from their wedding day...


Her church is wrong...period.


(For the record I do not disagree with proper church discipline.)



smiles4all -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/19/2008 6:16:59 PM)

quote:

Smiles4UAll, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but your husband did not commit adultery, therefore the divorce would be considered a sin (Matt 5:32). I am certainly not advising you to get back with your husband, but look at what I quoted of Auben's post. That is my understanding of how an abusive marriage should be handled without divorce...permanent separation.

If the church follows the disfellowshipping protocol, then your husband needs to be disfellowshipped too. He has not repented of his sin against you (not following what the Bible says about how husbands should treat their wives). Have you brought this up with the elders at your church?


I have done a lot of reading in the bible over the past few days and I understand that permanent separation is best. That is fine with me as I am not looking to ever get married again. I believe in proper discipline as well as long as it is waranted. I do not know if my husband is being disciplined as well and I do intend to inquire.



manda59 -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/19/2008 6:56:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelMagnolia
Smiles4UAll, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but your husband did not commit adultery, therefore the divorce would be considered a sin (Matt 5:32).



Not in any of the churches I have ever attended. In fact right now I have two friends going through divorce because of abuse, and the church we attend is 100% supportive of them, both at leadership level and at congregation level.

I think it is HORRENDOUS to even think about someone in such a painful situation being then ousted from their church as well.[&:]



clag4christ -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/19/2008 7:09:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59

I think it is HORRENDOUS to even think about someone in such a painful situation being then ousted from their church as well.[&:]


Amen...it is twisted and not done in love...



Mrs.X -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/20/2008 12:58:13 AM)

Whoa...I'm not saying I agree with the disfellowshipping practice of her church. I have not delved into the Bible enough to know about the subject, except those three verses I posted when Paul wrote to the churches in Corinth and Thesselonica.

And, I have to disagree that divorce when the other spouse does not commit adultery is not a sin. I know this isn't the divorce one stop thread, so I don't want to get too off topic.

quote:

I have done a lot of reading in the bible over the past few days and I understand that permanent separation is best. That is fine with me as I am not looking to ever get married again. I believe in proper discipline as well as long as it is waranted. I do not know if my husband is being disciplined as well and I do intend to inquire.

Smiles4uall, I really am sorry for what you are going through. Is there a way to un-do the filings you've done already and do a legal separation instead? Do you want back into your church?



smiles4all -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/20/2008 7:50:12 AM)

quote:

Smiles4uall, I really am sorry for what you are going through. Is there a way to un-do the filings you've done already and do a legal separation instead? Do you want back into your church?


I do have a legal separation and I am still in the church right. The divorce didn't go through because I ran out of money and my husband finally agreed to the separation. I still have to talk to the leaders about this. As long as I don't file for divorce and just stay separated I feel that there should be no further discipline taken. We shall see what happens.



mabel -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/20/2008 11:48:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: smiles4all

quote:

Smiles4uall, I really am sorry for what you are going through. Is there a way to un-do the filings you've done already and do a legal separation instead? Do you want back into your church?


I do have a legal separation and I am still in the church right. The divorce didn't go through because I ran out of money and my husband finally agreed to the separation. I still have to talk to the leaders about this. As long as I don't file for divorce and just stay separated I feel that there should be no further discipline taken. We shall see what happens.


Sorry you're in such a hard place. [&o] I've been there.

Just want to encourage you to take care of yourself and make sure you and your kids are safe. That's a priority and perhaps for now it's best not to be too concerned about divorce or not. That is a process for sure.

I really hope that you get away from that church and it's leadership and find a healthy church. You should not be getting whacked with shame. You need support and building up. Honestly, I would say don't even bother going to the leadership about your husband. Why do you want to subject yourself to more abuse?



clag4christ -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/20/2008 11:50:51 AM)

quote:

have not delved into the Bible enough to know about the subject, except those three verses I posted when Paul wrote to the churches in Corinth and Thesselonica.

And, I have to disagree that divorce when the other spouse does not commit adultery is not a sin. I know this isn't the divorce one stop thread, so I don't want to get too off topic.


Christina,

I'm going to try and put this very gently...since you yourself have admitted that you don't know much about Paul's teachings on divorce (or Jesus' for that matter)...I think it would be wise of you to read up about them before you post that you think that this woman is sinning by seeking a divorce from her abusive and controlling husband. If you read the context of Paul's letter to the Corinthians you'll see that it was about sin spreading and becoming pervasive in other members of the body. This woman seeking divorce from her husband for abuse (and his avoiding and even neglect of his marriage vows) is *NOT* sin. She is not incitng others to divorce or sin with her actions. She's seeking to stay *safe*. Would you rather her stay in her marriage and possibly be murdered (if it were to go that far) by her husband?

Again, I pray that what I've just said did not come across as too harsh. My intention was for it to come across in love.

Blessings,
Kim



manda59 -> RE: Divorcing an Abuser (5/20/2008 12:03:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: smiles4all
I do have a legal separation and I am still in the church right. The divorce didn't go through because I ran out of money and my husband finally agreed to the separation. I still have to talk to the leaders about this. As long as I don't file for divorce and just stay separated I feel that there should be no further discipline taken. We shall see what happens.




What I would suggest to you is that you casually start looking around for another church, so that if it does come to divorce, you will have somewhere supportive to go.

Would your church by any chance be Presbyterian? (if it's ok to ask)



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>



Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition 2.5 ANSI