How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (Full Version)

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stillovinhim -> How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (5/13/2008 9:54:29 PM)

My husband and I have been married almost 18 years. During this 18 years he gradually just pretty much thought of himself and his own interests and would never (well barely while pulling teeth) did anything me and the kids wanted to. It was always about his dirtbike riding and nothing else. I learned to live with it and just did what I wanted to do with the kids without him. I even think we lived more like roomates than anything, and we just lived this way, yes it bothered me. Then a couple years ago we really started having marital problems during this time I found out he cheated on me and while dealing with this his lack of priorities and spending time with me and the kids really became an issue. I always feel last in everything he does. He talks on the phone or is on the computer then just before bedtime he'll come and sit down with me and complains when I want to go to bed, I have to get up very early he does not. I just feel I'm last to everything he does, and he does not agree with that at all. The other issue we have is since he was layed off a few years ago he decided to try and start his own business, I pay ALL the bills, I am fine with that when he's not busy and making money and I understand that. BUT when he does make money he just stashes it. He pays for the "fun" activities, I should say mainly his fun activity dirtbike riding, we all go but we me and the kids took it up to be with him, we do enjoy it but thats all he'll pay for. He complains if he has to give the kids $5 here or there, I know that he saves his money so we have money to fall back on ect., but the other day I told him maybe we shouldn't go out riding as much since gas prices are so high he said what difference does it make to you when I pay for it. I said then why do you complain when I spend "my" money on something you don't think I need such as a haircut the other day. then it starts a huge argument. It's not so much I'm angry that I pay for everything becuase like I said he pays for things like when we have a problem with something bid he will pay for it like emergency money. but he totally complains to me about $5 he has to spend when he doesn't get that I pay for everything. He said I should pay for gas to go riding since I'm sitting in the truck and going too, I said then why don't you pay for half the electric and everything else when you are here using it and he doesn't seem to get it.
the other thing is he starts arguments and will complain when I have a client call me, if they have called a couple days in a row, but his friends call ALL the time and sometimes 2 or more times a day (yes same person) but when I mention that he doesn't get it. I don't understand, these have been starting alot of arguments lately and I dont' want to fight, but he just doesn't get it, he says I'm nagging and always have something to complain about but how do I tell him thse things then to where he will see and understand? like me being last priority and things? My counselor told me to accept what he gives amd show him I'm happy for what he is giving me even if I am last that is hard to do. Sorry this is so long. any help and advice on how to deal with this would be great. I love him and dont believe in divorce even though he cheated 16 years ago, I do believe he never did it again and has repented. Thanks



Szaftoo -> RE: How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (5/14/2008 9:46:50 AM)

I am sorry for your situation and pray you get the help you need.

Just curious, it sounds like you have your money and he has his. Has it always been that way?



stillovinhim -> RE: How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (5/14/2008 11:25:39 AM)

thanks for your prayers. No we have always had our money together. Years ago when he worked he gave over his paychecks ( I do all the bills) but he did side jobs and that was his money which was always fine. Then when he was layed off and started to do his side stuff full time or well whenever he had business it's not a steady thing, but he just kept the money and would give a little here and there, he also made one of our car payments and I was fine with that because that was over $400/month. Then when that was paid off he just didn't seem to think he needed to pay anything else and just stashes his money, I realize he saves it for "our" emergencies and for him to buy and sell things but when he makes such a big deal of spending $5 its hard when he spends "my" money NO problem. Thanks again for the prayers



NotDoneYet -> RE: How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (5/14/2008 8:08:40 PM)

I think he needs to realize that HE has responsibility towards the family too...

but after 18 years of putting up with this...I doubt seriously anything would change.



isaiah6524 -> RE: How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (5/14/2008 8:54:56 PM)

Have you talked about Boundaries with your counselor? If not, pick up a copy of the book..."Boundaries" by Drs Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It changed my life!

Does he go to counseling with you or even on his own? If things are breaking down this much, and he isn't "getting it," it might be time. He also needs to learn that there are consequences. Sometimes the biggest/most effective consequence I could enact with my husband was not engaging in the frivolous arguments he'd start, like your phone calls.

"My counselor told me to accept what he gives and show him I'm happy for what he is giving me even if I am last that is hard to do. "

I bet!! I totally disagree. (though in your counselor's defense, there might be more to it than what I've read) There is such a thing as realistic expectations, but showing him you're happy with what little you get sends a mixed message. It tells him that you are ok with getting the crumbs, the leftovers. That's not the case at all!!!

I agree with Notdoneyet...18 years is a long time to allow this to go on. You've got a tough road ahead, and change is possible, but it will be very difficult. We cannot change others, so you need to find ways to cope with it and get support. When you change how you respond to him, it may or may not prompt a change in him.

Bottom line...focus on your needs. This isn't selfishness, I didn't say "wants," I said needs. Be responsible for yourself, allow him to be responsible for him.



stillovinhim -> RE: How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (5/14/2008 11:40:27 PM)

Actually he hasn't been like that the whole marriage, but around the time our now 11 year old was born he was getting into a dirtbike hobby, well I couldn't go because the kids were too young so he would spend each weekend sometimes both days going and leaving me at home with the kids. I mean he would come home sometimes and we would go to dinner (with kids) but that would be it. but since this hobby he wont do anything else for fun barely like pulling teeth. He didn't for years then a couple years ago he finally has done a little more with us. Then after this he started more side jobs then computer there is just no time left for me unless I want to stay up late and suffer the next day. So no he wasn't like this the whole time. My counslor I think meant that I need to live by how Jesus wants me to treat others she was strictly a biblical counselor through church she wasn't a "counselor" . That I need to show Jesus through me then he'll see a change hopefully in me and change his heart. thanks again for you help



Mrs.Above_All -> RE: How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (5/15/2008 1:50:52 AM)

Aloha!

Have you talked with him about his job layoff? Do you think it discouraged him in any way? He may not admit it but I am sure it affected him in some way. Do you think if you brought it up and asked him how he felt about the layoff he would say something? But it sounds like the main issue here is effective communication.

He cheated once and claims it never happened again. How do you know that? And if I were in your position, I would feel that much of what he does now very much feels like cheating. If he is putting dirt bike riding and anything else first before you and the kids, it's cheating you. KWIM? Whether it's another woman, a hobby, porn, whatever...he is seeking comfort and gratification in something other than his own wife and children. Don't be afraid to express something like that if this is how you feel.



hisgrace1 -> RE: How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (5/15/2008 2:23:47 AM)

Stilllovinhim,

I am sorry to hear this, we as men can be selfish and self-centered and not realize that we put our family last. For some weird reason we get attached to our "hobbies" and put them as a priority over our family. I really feel for you. I did the same thing with video games. At first it was a once a week ordeal, then It gradually progressed to every night for up to 5 hours a night, all the while my wife would just work around the house. I would justify it to her and in my own mind that I worked hard all day to provide and now I just want to unwind. It almost tore us apart. I finally gave my video system away, and realized how selfish I was being, so disheartening.

You are such a strong woman, I really mean this. You have no ideal how you bless God with your faithfullness and perseverance in this whole ordeal.

You wrote that he had an affair earlier in your marriage, I am sorry to hear this. Again, I cant sterotype all men, but if we dont keep our guard up along with our walk in the Lord, we can and are tempted with sexual gratification through unholy means, and sometimes we fall. The fact that you have either forgave him or are dealing with this just shows your strength as a Godly woman. He might not tell you, but your husband is very fortunate to have you.

I encourage you to pray, I know I know, everyone tells you to pray, but in reality, God hears these prayers, and supernaturally they affect your husbands spirit. I will pray, right now that your husband would have an eye opening experience, and step back to see how his actions are negatively affecting you and the family.

I can relate to your thread, for I have done exactly what your husband has, I have been selfish, and unfaithful, and hurt everyone around me. But through prayer and repenting and alot of forgiveness God is healing and restoring.

I plead with you not to give up. Keep persevering, and I will pray that God will supernaturally put conviction in your husband.



maddog4god -> RE: How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (5/15/2008 5:36:10 AM)

You know this is going to sound a tad harsh, but I am living this out so I know it's true.

People treat you the way they do because we allow them to. It's ridiculous that he puts no money towards the family - it is scriptural for him to be the provider, but even as two adults, he ought to at the very least be paying some of the utilities bills on his own.

As far as time with the family he needs to do that as well.

I recommend you make a list of about ten things you would like to see change and then pick one and make a plan for how to arrive at that point. Bring it to his atteniton so he knows what you want in the relationship and then hold him accountable.



stillovinhim -> RE: How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (5/15/2008 11:03:11 AM)

Aboveall,I don't believe anything has to do with his layoff because we decided at that time that he would just pick up his side business and at that time he did contribute to the finances but then gradually it just became where he just didn't contribute barely anything and like I said it's not like he doesn't pay for anything he pays for the bigger stuff, property taxes once a year (well not the whole thing but a good portion), tires for car, big things like this. But these things don't happen all the time. You're right I feel cheated when he spends time elsewhere and barely has time for me.

Hisgrace your post was very encouraging, thankyou for sharing with me your story. I'm so glad that you have come to realize this with your family. I know how your wife felt, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. Yes my husband was unfaithful 16 years ago but I only found out about it 2 years ago and it has been a very painful couple years and him spending time else where makes it that much harder, I feel like I'm not and have not ever been good enough for him that I am what he'll take if he has nothing else to fullfill him, he of course completely denies this and says I'm being ridiculous. If I bring up to him how I feel it makes it worse so I don't bring it up but I do know it shows in my actions that I'm hurt and he acts stupid and asks what is wrong and if I tell him he just denies he does it or makes up an excuse of why he was on the computer so long or the phone. As far as his hobby, several years ago as our children got older we started to go out there with him and I literally sit there (well I do ride but not like him, he will take me and our son on one family ride) but all day just to go and be with him, what hurts is that I don't like to do this every single weekend, me and the kids like to do other things too but he makes his (our) plans to go out there without me and if I say you know I would really like to do something else he says fine then don't go. So its his way only, on a few occassions he has stayed with me in the last couple years and has done something else with us. I also have a lot of trust issues since finding out about his infidelity. I know it happened all those years ago but I feel like our marriage was a lie since he lied about it for 15 years. So I feel unocmfortable when he goes out there alone or meets up with his friends, even though they are in the woods there are alot of people out there and he will ride with any group. I know that I have to trust God with it and I can't watch his every move but it is hard. I pray ALOT and sometimes I hear god and sometimes I can't I feel fogged and don't know what he's trying to tell me. Thanks again for sharing your story and praying for us and my husband. I hope he can change like you did. I'm afraid it will ruin us and I feel like I am stuck because I don't beleive in divorce.



NotDoneYet -> RE: How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (5/15/2008 6:00:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: stillovinhim

Aboveall,I don't believe anything has to do with his layoff because we decided at that time that he would just pick up his side business and at that time he did contribute to the finances but then gradually it just became where he just didn't contribute barely anything and like I said it's not like he doesn't pay for anything he pays for the bigger stuff, property taxes once a year (well not the whole thing but a good portion), tires for car, big things like this. But these things don't happen all the time. You're right I feel cheated when he spends time elsewhere and barely has time for me.

Hisgrace your post was very encouraging, thankyou for sharing with me your story. I'm so glad that you have come to realize this with your family. I know how your wife felt, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. Yes my husband was unfaithful 16 years ago but I only found out about it 2 years ago and it has been a very painful couple years and him spending time else where makes it that much harder, I feel like I'm not and have not ever been good enough for him that I am what he'll take if he has nothing else to fullfill him, he of course completely denies this and says I'm being ridiculous. If I bring up to him how I feel it makes it worse so I don't bring it up but I do know it shows in my actions that I'm hurt and he acts stupid and asks what is wrong and if I tell him he just denies he does it or makes up an excuse of why he was on the computer so long or the phone. As far as his hobby, several years ago as our children got older we started to go out there with him and I literally sit there (well I do ride but not like him, he will take me and our son on one family ride) but all day just to go and be with him, what hurts is that I don't like to do this every single weekend, me and the kids like to do other things too but he makes his (our) plans to go out there without me and if I say you know I would really like to do something else he says fine then don't go. So its his way only, on a few occassions he has stayed with me in the last couple years and has done something else with us. I also have a lot of trust issues since finding out about his infidelity. I know it happened all those years ago but I feel like our marriage was a lie since he lied about it for 15 years. So I feel unocmfortable when he goes out there alone or meets up with his friends, even though they are in the woods there are alot of people out there and he will ride with any group. I know that I have to trust God with it and I can't watch his every move but it is hard. I pray ALOT and sometimes I hear god and sometimes I can't I feel fogged and don't know what he's trying to tell me. Thanks again for sharing your story and praying for us and my husband. I hope he can change like you did. I'm afraid it will ruin us and I feel like I am stuck because I don't beleive in divorce.

He pays for the "big things"? How about groceries? How about the utility bills? How about clothes for HIS children?

He may have fooled around on you 15 years ago, and he's STILL unfaithful...it's his JOB to support his family, not be a leech...not sit on his duff and let his wife support him...
Sorry...he's not a MAN...he's a little boy in a big hairy body...



stillovinhim -> RE: How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (5/15/2008 6:31:54 PM)

WOW notdoneyet, I thought I came here for support and advice not to feel worse than I already do.



NotDoneYet -> RE: How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (5/15/2008 8:00:07 PM)

You seem to be justifying his selfish, boorish behavior.

Stop playing the martyr...he IS responsible for his family, he has completely abrogated that responsibility and you have happily picked up the slack.

Losing his job isn't the problem, it's his willingness to go blow "his" $$ on his hobbies while you support the family.

Like I said before...he needs to grow up and you need to stop enabling his behavior.

But...unlike many here...I am not the sort of woman who would sit and wring my hands over my husband's boorish behavior...I'd take swift, decisive action...and that sort of action isn't supported by many among here either....



Sadey -> RE: How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (5/15/2008 8:14:31 PM)

I know that NotDoneYet's advice sounds cold but it is true. People treat us the way we let them. Of course hes selfish, he gets away with it. I know its hard to change things in your life, mainly because even if things are terrible at least they are familiar. You can't change him, not one little bit, but you can change how you act and react. You and your children deserve more of a life than going to watch him show off every weekend.

I would suggest making a life for yourself, I am not advocating divorce or even separation, I'm talking about having some fun with your kids. \

Because of his past history, I'd sure want to know where his money is, I'd want to see bank account information and I'd sure want to know whats on his computer.

If you find that he doesn't have any money then I think that will be the time to worry about another woman.

I know its hard to hear these things but hon, there won't be changes without some pain in this situation'
God bless



hisgrace1 -> RE: How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (5/15/2008 8:37:14 PM)

Stilllovinhim,

Why my heart goes out to you is, you seem to have the spirit my wife exhibits; sweet, understanding, and slightly passive. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that in the presence of a man who wont take advantage of it.

This is not your case though, your husband is taking advantage of you, and I dont neccessarily agree with NotDoneYet, alittle harsh if you ask me. It is not your fault that he is acting in this manner, though you are condoning it, it is HIS choice to be an inadequate husband and father. I wish in a hypothetical world, I could come speak to him, and hypothetically slap him around to wake him up to the world around him, the world involving his kids and faithful wife.

StilllovinHim, the one thing that really made me think things over and get back on track, is when she was on the verge of leaving me........I am not saying do this, but men tend to get a quick wake up call when they realize whats MOST important to them is leaving.

Truthfully, I think he loves you, he is just swallowed up in other areas, and possibly sinful areas. The man you married is still there, but the scales are over him, and they have been layering themselves for several years.

I am at work as of now, be back later.

God Bless you, keep your head up, and continue to prove yourselve a solid woman and mother of Christ.



stillovinhim -> RE: How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (5/16/2008 5:23:12 PM)

notdoneyet, if I am so wrong in handling this then how do you suggest I handle it as a christian?

hisgrace, thanks for your understanding I think you truly understand. I think my husband is very selfish and only thinks of himself, I mean Im not saying he doesnt do nice things for me becasue he does every day but his stuff comes first. I can tell you that I know without a doubt he is not cheating on me and I have never suspected anything during the 15 yrs (I did susupect back when he did 10 mo after we married) but that I can't be so sure because to me those 15 years until I found out were a lie. I have told him in a few occassions that I am going to leave and he gets better and I can say that since 3 years ago it has gotten better but it was way better then lately it gradually seems to taper off more and more. I can tell you that I did have a talk with him last night about the finances and that he can't just pay for the things he wants he needs to contribute more I mean he used to and then it seemed like gradually as his business would get slower he obviously wouldn't contribute as much but then as things picked up he just didn't as much, he said he was sorry and that he would. Oh and he doesn't have his own bank accounts he just keeps his money here, he does alot of buying a selling and needs cash on hand. So how as a christian besides constantly praying di I get through his selfishness? I am going to suggest doing something next weekend and we'll see how that goes if he'll be willing or not. Thanks again so much for understanding I do wish that you could talk with him coming from someone who has been there would probably help alot. thanks



ksaraah -> RE: How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (5/16/2008 9:36:09 PM)

Prayers said about this situation.[8|]



NotDoneYet -> RE: How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (5/17/2008 8:17:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: stillovinhim

notdoneyet, if I am so wrong in handling this then how do you suggest I handle it as a christian?



Put your foot down and inform the man in no uncertain terms that you WILL NOT take his abuse or baloney anymore. He's lied, he's cheated on you, he is abrogating his responsibility to provide for his family...and you have let him.

Last I checked, Christian did not mean doormat. He has no right to treat you like garbage. Re-read Ephesians 5...and get past the part that says "wives submit to your husband" and get to the part that talks about what the husband's responsibility is...then HOLD HIM TO IT.

You don't have to be mean, you don't have to be ugly...but you can be firm. You have enabled his behavior for years...now you've had enough...so...put your foot down. If he doesn't like it (and he won't), that's his problem, not yours. Either he loves you and your family enough to change, or he doesn't. If he doesn't...then maybe it's time for you to make the hard decisions.



creationtalk -> RE: How to deal with a selfish/controlling (maybe) husband? (5/18/2008 11:47:05 AM)

In a lot of ways I agree with NDY. I was you in my first marriage and very nearly you in my second. My first husband worked when we first married, but as time went on did less and less. He eventually no longer worked and no longer looked for work. I worked, took care of the farm, kept house, cooked meals...while going to school. All he was expected to do was put away his clean, folded clothes and wash dishes. But week after week, I washed the same, unworn clothes from the week before dirty because they had fallen on the floor and been walked on. Week after week I rinsed and stacked dishes so that he could put them in the dishwasher. When I started grad school, he decided that we would live apart...I still supported both of us, but now he didn't have to hear me asking him to contribute. However, living apart woke me up. I realized that I'd allowed this man to abuse and take advantage of me for 10 years. I told him things were going to change. He said he didn't want a divorce, but he wasn't willing to do anything to save our marriage. It woke me up. He went home to Mommy and Daddy and I finally got a life, and education and a good job.

I'd say something about my second marriage, but the best thing that ever came out of that is playing videogames in the living room and he's getting old enough to read now and he doesn't need to know some things.

As for what to do about it, I don't really know. NDY has a point about putting a stop to it. However, as you can see above, not every man is really a man and instead of growing up when faced with himself will instead shoot the messenger. I guess that maybe you need to decide what is most important. Are you willing to make an move stop this behavior that is hurting you and risk that your h won't be willing to make the change or would you rather stay in this abusive (yes, it is) relationship for the rest of your life? And what are your children seeing and learning from all of this? Do you want your children to live the life that you are?



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