Children breaking a promise (Full Version)

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Prairiehiker -> Children breaking a promise (5/12/2008 8:08:44 PM)

Is it a big deal? At what age does it become a big deal? My daughter who's 11 years old broker her promise to me yesterday. It's really no big deal, but I'm wondering if I should allow her to learn a lesson from this. It was mother's day and she promised to take me to a movie and buy dinner. She has a lot of money. So, we drove 2.5 hours to go to the States (we're from Canada) to see a movie, but when we got there, she wanted to buy a video game. She spent all her money on the game that she didn't anything left for the movie or dinner. I said it was ok. I'll pay.

So, is this something that should become one of those "teaching" moments, or is this normal for 11 year old kids to do?



d3schaffiro -> RE: Children breaking a promise (5/12/2008 8:36:30 PM)

I'm not a parent of an 11 year old yet, but I would say that when children get to the age of understanding what a promise is and how it affects people when they break those promises, that's when one of those "teaching" moments should happen.

Did your daughter say something like, "I'm going to take you out for Mother's Day...I promise!". And does she understand what a promise is? If yes, then I'd say it's a good time to teach her how people feel when she breaks her promise by showing your hurt feelings to her. Is she a sensitive girl? If so, she may feel horrible for getting the video game. But at the same time, you can teach her to think about promises before she makes them. Then maybe next time she'll think twice before making a promise. And even if she still decides to make a promise to you, it might be a good idea to remind her that when she makes a promise, she should always follow through. Then ask her again if she still wants to make that promise. The next time, hold her to it and and even though she may be upset because she had to give something up in order to keep her word, you can shower her with praise for keeping her promise.

I hope that helps! I also hope I can remember this when my daughter is 11!



pbaribeault -> RE: Children breaking a promise (5/12/2008 9:57:03 PM)

It would have been an excellent time to teach her a lesson -- but I think you missed the ideal opportunity when you chose to do dinner and a movie anyways, and pay for it yourself. In essence she got it both ways (a date and a video game) and she's not very focused on who paid or what you lost out on.

It would have been best to wait while she made her purchase and then (without having warned her as she was doing the spending, and without talking about it at all) simply began to drive home, and continued even after both of you were hungry. At some point she would have asked you why, and you could have told her (without a sense of blame or anger) that the person who was going to pay for the date had no more money, so there was nothing else to do but to go home where the food was already paid for.

I'm not really sure how you could teach about it now though. I guess you could talk about your feelings... but since it's all tied up with just who paid, it's going to seem a lot more like a money management lecture than something about consideration for others and/or promise keeping.

Besides, you already said it was OK, and you showed her clearly that it was OK, so it would really be kind of unjust to make it out to be not-OK now.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Children breaking a promise (5/12/2008 10:05:31 PM)

Thanks to both of you. You both gave very good advice.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pbaribeault

It would have been an excellent time to teach her a lesson -- but I think you missed the ideal opportunity when you chose to do dinner and a movie anyways, and pay for it yourself. In essence she got it both ways (a date and a video game) and she's not very focused on who paid or what you lost out on.

It would have been best to wait while she made her purchase and then (without having warned her as she was doing the spending, and without talking about it at all) simply began to drive home, and continued even after both of you were hungry. At some point she would have asked you why, and you could have told her (without a sense of blame or anger) that the person who was going to pay for the date had no more money, so there was nothing else to do but to go home where the food was already paid for.


While this sounds really good, it would have not been possible to do. We drove 2.5 hours to get to the movies, and we're both very hungry. To drive back hungry for another 2.5 hours or more would not have been a good idea. I think the next time she tries to tell me she's going to do something, I'll bring up this incident and remind her that when she shouldn't make any promises she can't keep.



pbaribeault -> RE: Children breaking a promise (5/13/2008 9:19:45 AM)

It would have been possible, it just wouldn't have been pleasant. If you really could not have gone hungry for 2 and a half hours (are you diabetic?) perhaps doing the cheapest possible drive-thru would have been a workable (but less effective) lesson.

I'd definitely advise against holding the incident over her head, when you were the one who agreed to the change in plans and told her you were OK with it.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Children breaking a promise (5/13/2008 9:53:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pbaribeault

It would have been possible, it just wouldn't have been pleasant. If you really could not have gone hungry for 2 and a half hours (are you diabetic?) perhaps doing the cheapest possible drive-thru would have been a workable (but less effective) lesson.

I'd definitely advise against holding the incident over her head, when you were the one who agreed to the change in plans and told her you were OK with it.

I agree with this. It wouldn't hurt either of you to go without a huge meal. My boys have done something similar to me and my response is, "We don't have enough money to do what we planned so now we have to do something cheaper." we ended up going through the drive through and sharing two Happy Meals between the three of us. For two boys who could eat two Happy Meals by themselves this was quite the eye opener.



manda59 -> RE: Children breaking a promise (5/13/2008 10:14:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
Is it a big deal? At what age does it become a big deal? My daughter who's 11 years old broker her promise to me yesterday. It's really no big deal, but I'm wondering if I should allow her to learn a lesson from this. It was mother's day and she promised to take me to a movie and buy dinner. She has a lot of money. So, we drove 2.5 hours to go to the States (we're from Canada) to see a movie, but when we got there, she wanted to buy a video game. She spent all her money on the game that she didn't anything left for the movie or dinner. I said it was ok. I'll pay.

So, is this something that should become one of those "teaching" moments, or is this normal for 11 year old kids to do?



I personally think that was an awful lot for an 11yr old to offer to do - and probably not realistic. Did she know how much a movie and meal for two would cost? Whose idea was it to go to the USA rather than see a movie in Canada?

If my 14 yr old dd had offered to do this for me, I'd have gently turned her down, because for me it would be too much. I'd have suggested something where we shared the cost - perhaps we'd go to the movies together (I'd pay) and I'd buy the ice creams. Or she'd pay for the movies and I'd buy the meal (or vice versa).

Maybe your daughter found it hard to keep to the promise because she'd committed herself to too much originally. She will likely find it easier to learn to keep her word if what she commits herself to is reasonable to begin with. Once she has learned to set realistic targets for herself, she will likely find it easier to carry it through.



zoebob -> RE: Children breaking a promise (5/13/2008 11:43:53 AM)

I think at the time I would have not let her buy the video game.

If I allowed that then I would have gone through some drive through to buy myself dinner but not her. I might also, upon approving the video game, told her to pay for the gas for the 5 hr round trip



Karaboo2 -> RE: Children breaking a promise (5/13/2008 12:08:39 PM)

Manda, quite often it is so much cheaper to go to the US for dinner and a movie than to do that here in Canada ... not sure about it if there was a 5 hour round trip drive attached to it, but dinner for two and a movie in Canada would cost upwards of $50, and you could do the same meal and movie in the US for less than $20. But if there was a whole day attached to it (casual shopping, etc) then yes -- even with the drive it is far more economical to go to the US. (A lot of things are 1/3 of the price here). My mother-in-law who lives at least an hour and a half away from the US border will make the trek once a month to go shopping and to dinner in the US with me, just because of the price difference, plus it gives us a chance to get away from the menfolk for a day.



manda59 -> RE: Children breaking a promise (5/13/2008 12:38:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Karaboo2
Manda, quite often it is so much cheaper to go to the US for dinner and a movie than to do that here in Canada ... not sure about it if there was a 5 hour round trip drive attached to it, but dinner for two and a movie in Canada would cost upwards of $50, and you could do the same meal and movie in the US for less than $20. But if there was a whole day attached to it (casual shopping, etc) then yes -- even with the drive it is far more economical to go to the US. (A lot of things are 1/3 of the price here). .




I would not have expected (nor wanted) my dd to be spending even $20 on a Mother's Day treat for me when she was 11 yrs old.



zoebob -> RE: Children breaking a promise (5/13/2008 1:04:42 PM)

If my child had that much money and wanted to do that I would not deny them the opportunity. My kids love to give gifts. It is very important to them. If my child had the money and that's what they wanted to do with it I would allow it. Of course, my kids have more discretionary money than I do and get many more wants and fun stuff than I do. There have been years when after they received birthday cards from all the relatives that they had more money than they could think of a good way to spend.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Children breaking a promise (5/13/2008 1:56:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: zoebob

If my child had that much money and wanted to do that I would not deny them the opportunity. My kids love to give gifts. It is very important to them. If my child had the money and that's what they wanted to do with it I would allow it. Of course, my kids have more discretionary money than I do and get many more wants and fun stuff than I do. There have been years when after they received birthday cards from all the relatives that they had more money than they could think of a good way to spend.

Very good point. If your child has the heart of a steward, who are we to quinch that gift? Thing 2 is a giver like that and it breaks my heart when my parents tell him no.



manda59 -> RE: Children breaking a promise (5/13/2008 2:19:16 PM)

My children love to give gifts too.

You don't have to spend a lot of money on someone to give them gifts. There are home-made gifts that cost little or nothing, and there is the gift of time.

I'd rather my children saved their money and instead gave small gifts, especially ones which they have made themselves.

The OP's dd might have found it easier to keep her word if she'd been helped to think it through. Maybe the child only suggested it in the first place because it was what she thought her mother wanted her to do, rather than what she really wanted to give. Otherwise there mightn't have been the "clash" with the video game.



IonMoon -> RE: Children breaking a promise (5/13/2008 5:20:55 PM)

IMO, technically she didn't break a promise- you let her out of it by saying it was okay for you to pay.

I agree that it would have been a good time for a lesson- but I would have handled it this way:

At the moment she was thinking about buying the video game, I would have asked her if she had enough money to buy the game and still pay for the movie/dinner. At that point, either she would have to decide that she could live without the game or figure out how she could pay for both. If she put the game back and didn't fuss, I would have probably offered myself to pay for the game (or gone back and bought it as a surprise) and let her pay for the movie/dinner.

Or, assuming she didn't realize that she wouldn't have enough money, I would have offered to lend her them money for the movie/dinner and have her pay me back or work it off.

But I think the time to deal with it has passed.

Personally I think the previously mentioned lesson was too harsh and would have just stirred up resentment. I think it is better to find a way to guide them toward the right choice rather than allow them to make a mistake and suffer.

Sure, when they make a mistake they should suffer the consequences, but knowingly letting them make a mistake without warning is unkind, IMO.

Tara P



relady -> RE: Children breaking a promise (5/13/2008 5:32:35 PM)

quote:

you could do the same meal and movie in the US for less than $20.
Wow, could you tell me where? Even the matinees here, for two, would be about $14.00. If you can show me where two can eat for $6.00, I'm there![;)]



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: Children breaking a promise (5/13/2008 6:27:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Karaboo2
Manda, quite often it is so much cheaper to go to the US for dinner and a movie than to do that here in Canada ... not sure about it if there was a 5 hour round trip drive attached to it, but dinner for two and a movie in Canada would cost upwards of $50, and you could do the same meal and movie in the US for less than $20. But if there was a whole day attached to it (casual shopping, etc) then yes -- even with the drive it is far more economical to go to the US. (A lot of things are 1/3 of the price here). .

I don't know about your figures.....unless it is a cheap second or third run theater, just the movie itself would have been about $20 (plus whatever for snacks or drinks) where my mom lives (which is much cheaper then other areas of the country). Add a sit down dinner for two to that and you could easily get up to $50.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Children breaking a promise (5/13/2008 9:31:08 PM)

LOL....It seems that most of my post are always interpreted as money issues. Again, I'd like to repeat, The question is about teaching my daughter about breaking her promises.

For The record, she said it out loud to my sister in law that we're going down to The states to celebrate mother's day and she is taking me to The movie and dinner. If she didn't have money, she wouldn't have said that and I wouldn't have let her. Also, spending $70 for dinner and a movie (in Canada, that's normal) is a normal Saturday outing for us (I'm a single mom so it's just her and I most of The time). We don't have money problems, and she has every toy/games a kid can ask for. She gets an allowance which she saves and spends to buy games or comic books. Her comics alone cost $15 each. So, in other words, she has money.

But that's not The issue. It's The fact that she promised me, and told my sister in law that she is treating me special for mother's day. If she had spent her money on The movie and dinner, I would have ended buying The game for her, which is lest than The cost of The movie and dinner ($60 for The game). Things are so much cheaper down there. I was really just wondering if I had taken The time to teach her The value of keeping promises. I think at this age, she doesn't have any sense of responsibility when it comes to money as she gets it very easy from me. So, really, it's about promises, and perhaps, I could have taught her to budget her money. But I didn't. Am I teaching her to be irresponsible?

By The way, today during our drive home, I very nicely told her that since she didn't get to buy me dinner, if she can buy me something from Dairy Queen and she gladly obliged. She said she had wanted to do it since she didn't' get to take me to The movie last Sunday.

And The movie that we saw. It's Expelled. I wanted to give her a good start on The study of Christianity and The debate about evolution vs Intelligent Design. She loved The movie and wanted to buy it when it comes out. The movie isn't showing in The city that I live in.



IonMoon -> RE: Children breaking a promise (5/14/2008 10:20:34 AM)

I think you will have plenty of opportunities to deal with this in the future. The fact that you are thinking about it is important... now you just need to look for teaching opportunities in the future. Just a comment like, "Oh, but if you buy the game, will you still have the money for the movie and dinner?" could probably have gotten her problem solving and thinking it through and I am betting (since she sounds like a generous kid) she would have made the choice to put the game back... or maybe asked to borrow some money...

But I do agree with you that just letting her off the hook was probably a bad idea- but I don't think it was a horrible mistake and now your child is doomed to be selfish!

And I think having her treat you to DQ was a good way to remedy the situation, under these circumstances.

As for the money- in my area you can see a first run movie in a spiffy theater and get dinner (like McDonald's) for $20/two- assuming no snacks at the theater. I believe the evening movies are $7 in the theater, most fastfood places have a dollar menu...

Tara P



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