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allison2008bn -> Young marriage (5/8/2008 2:38:47 PM)

I am going to get married in September. I will be 18 and my fiance 19....Do you think that is too young, and if not can you give us some advice for our marrige? I love him and i know god has sent him just for me.

Ps. He and I are both saved.



keelgirl -> RE: Young marriage (5/8/2008 3:09:37 PM)

I got married at 18, my husband was 26 though (yeah call him a cradle robber), I think what helped us out a lot is that he had already graduated from college had started his career and had gotten out of that immature cocky stage (well for the most part). I also had a year of college behind me, that helped as well.

I've heard that finance problems is one of the main cause of divorce, I believe that is true, I watched my neighbors family tear apart from money problems. If you have good money management that takes care of so many problems you might encounter, takes stress away. I am blessed my husband has a degree in finance, he has a budget planed out for the next 8 years, which is over kill but we have never had any problems with money. So my advice is manage your money well [:D] it doesn't matter how much you have its how well you handle it.



christsgirl -> RE: Young marriage (5/8/2008 3:21:30 PM)

My advice is...if he is not saved (and I mean TRULY walking the walk to the best of his ability...RUN!!! and NEVER look back!!!



pbaribeault -> RE: Young marriage (5/8/2008 3:50:39 PM)

I was married young, at 19. My advice is grace, grace and more grace.

You are both still "growing up" - meaning that you are getting smarter, stronger, more balanced etc. You are in the process of deciding who you want to be and working towards becoming that person. Much of the 'don't get married too young' advice has to do with this concept - that you want to settle into being the self you want to be, before you become so deeply entangled with someone else that they might effect that process. I don't believe that it's such a problem to allow your entanglement with your partner-for-life to effect what kind of person you choose to become... it actually sounds pretty smart to me.

But! The big but is that you know that neither you nor your spouse is 'there yet' and you need to both be working hard at self-control (for you) and grace (for the other person's mistakes). Don't bring your fantasies into marriage, but rather choose to expect a low-end-of-average relationship to start with... and then be pleasantly surprised as you get better at this being-married thing.

And, definitely, as keelgirl says, live a lifestyle that fits easily within your income, and choose to be content with that. Keep good track of your money, so that it doesn't run away with your life. The years of plenty are expected to arrive sometime after your 10th anniversary.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Young marriage (5/8/2008 4:28:54 PM)

Personally I'm not a fan of teenagers getting married because of the lack of life experience both of you have. I believe you both need time to continue maturing and coming into your own as adults before you have a good sense of what you want and need in a relationship. Under normal circumstances, 50+ percent of the marriages end in divorce and there's a reason for that huge statistic. Your life perspective will drastically change over the next several years so I would vote for giving yourselves time to mature as single adults before making a beeline to the altar. That's not to say that it couldn't work, as the previous posters have affirmed that it could, but you would be going into things with the odds stacked against you even moreso. Some quesions to consider.

Are either of you ready to take on the responsibility of your own household many can you afford to pay your own way? If you're planning on living with family members then you're definitely not ready.

Are either one of you planning on furthering your education? If so, how does that get paid for and who's going while the other works fulltime to hold down the fort?

It sounds like you've made up your mind but I would rather see you postpone marriage and give yourselves the best chance to succeed than to rush into things prematurely and end up being a divorce statistic.



BlessedMamaofmany -> RE: Young marriage (5/8/2008 5:09:18 PM)

Put God first in your marriage
Grace and mercy always
Seek the Lord's will
Put your mate before yourself

My man and I married young. We were 19, both unsaved and wordly. 7 years, 4 kids and one great God later, we are doing wonderfully
Sandy



dradynsmom -> RE: Young marriage (5/8/2008 6:00:29 PM)

Keelgirl don't feel bad I was 19 and my hubby was 28. Although if you would look at us you would think it is the other way around. I am very mature and don't joke very well while my husband is the biggest kid i've ever known. My advice for you allison is to make God be number one priority and do bible study together, go to church every sunday, pray together ect. My hubby and I fight alot less when we do all of these things.
Steph



isaacsmom -> RE: Young marriage (5/8/2008 6:32:32 PM)

Congratulations, Allison, and welcome to the forums. [:)]

My husband and I got married when I was 18 and he had just turned 21. We were both Christians and had our parents' support.

There has been very good advice given so far. I want to reemphasize this:

quote:

You are both still "growing up" - meaning that you are getting smarter, stronger, more balanced etc. You are in the process of deciding who you want to be and working towards becoming that person. Much of the 'don't get married too young' advice has to do with this concept - that you want to settle into being the self you want to be, before you become so deeply entangled with someone else that they might effect that process. I don't believe that it's such a problem to allow your entanglement with your partner-for-life to effect what kind of person you choose to become... it actually sounds pretty smart to me.

But! The big but is that you know that neither you nor your spouse is 'there yet' and you need to both be working hard at self-control (for you) and grace (for the other person's mistakes). Don't bring your fantasies into marriage, but rather choose to expect a low-end-of-average relationship to start with... and then be pleasantly surprised as you get better at this being-married thing.


Yes, you will still have a LOT of "growing up together" to do. My husband and I were/are generally responsible people, but we still had a lot of maturing to do spiritually and as adults. We learned how to communicate, put up with each other, and seek Christ together for direction for our marriage/lives. Keep Christ the center of your marriage and stay in a good, supportive church where you can receive fellowship and mentoring from other Christians. Put your spouse before yourself, as Sandy said. Know that you cannot change them, only God can, you can only change your own attitude. So always pray for each other.

My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years, we have 2 beautiful children, we have finished our college degrees (which is what we felt led to do), worked hard, and have always done just fine. You can do it! Don't let anyone look down on you, if you are in the Lord's will. [:)]



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Young marriage (5/9/2008 6:27:05 AM)

I got married at 19. I dont regret it and I don't think it's too young. We will celebrate 6 years of marriage this August, and have three little boys.

I think Sandy's advice bears repeating:
quote:

Put God first in your marriage
Grace and mercy always
Seek the Lord's will
Put your mate before yourself


The second and the last lines are what my husband and I had to work on most. We had severe misunderstandings early in our marriage, and much of it was because we didn't stop and think before we said things, and reacted in anger and premature judgement, and without grace.

Woman to woman, my advice to you is to read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and apply it from the get-go. [:D]



BlessedMamaofmany -> RE: Young marriage (5/9/2008 7:02:17 AM)

The issue is not your age.
Are you willing to put the commitment into your marriage?
Are you willing to sacrifice your wants and needs for the sake of your husband? (and vice verse for him)
Are you willing to honor, respect and love him, even when he doesn't deserve it? (Because God's word says to. He tells us to love our spouses, honor them, even when they are undeserving)
Those are questions to ask when you're getting married, whether you're 18 or 80.
Have you talked about things like kids? how many? Methods of BC?
Discipline of said kids?
Who is going to manage the bills and money? Him? You? Both?
What about boundaries with your sets of parents? They probably both see you kids still and it may be hard for them to realize when they are overstepping their bounds?

I'm so very happy for you! Joining together into one flesh the one God sets apart for you is so awesome! ...Hard work and commitment too...but so very awesome!

Sandy



DaveW -> RE: Young marriage (5/9/2008 7:08:55 AM)

Get premarital counseling. Take it very seriously.

Follow the Lord with your whole heart soul mind strength and anything else you have.

Remember that any loving act, any service, any sacrifice you give to your spouse is loving God. 1 John 3.16 (That is the first epistle, not the gospel, of John)

Always be ready to talk and to hear. You may WILL hear stuff that is totally foreign to you. Learn it. Learn it well. This is part of the person you love and are marrying. Make it part of you as well.



futuremartyr -> RE: Young marriage (5/10/2008 2:41:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: allison2008bn

I am going to get married in September. I will be 18 and my fiance 19....Do you think that is too young, and if not can you give us some advice for our marrige? I love him and i know god has sent him just for me.

Ps. He and I are both saved.



My husband and I got married young, he was 19 I was 18. Neither of us were saved at the time. It was rough, but we grew up together, I was saved about 9 years ago, he still is not. But we are the closest we have ever been, he is my friend and my husband.
my advice: That "in love" feeling comes and goes. What should hold you together is your love for God, not your love for one another. Marriage is about a covenant, not being in love. Of course loving each other with agape love helps, but also remember love is a choice and an action.



mbgb -> RE: Young marriage (5/10/2008 9:00:28 PM)

allison,
There are soooo many things to consider. You are following the right path by seeking God first and foremost. Also, seeking advice of others who are experienced in marriage is a very wise move. NO matter how much advice one seeks, I believe every single marriage will go through their own trials. And only the two people within the marriage can truly help make it work, with God being at the center of that marriage. It will take much patience, persistance, and willingness to let go of your own desires or even the idea that what you thought was right or accurate, may be wrong. Always seek God in your decisions. There will most likely come a time where Satan is going to want to attack your marriage. Realize that. If God wills your marriage, it is His will, and it has been for a reason. Love your husband, but love God more. Learn to decipher the difference between God's word and the enemy's. But most of all, enjoy every moment of your marriage, and do all that you can to make the experience positive for both of you. Never allow yourselves to be miserable for an extended period of time, because it's just not worth it. Work it out, work it out, work it out. No matter what it takes, work it out.

That's my advice anyway. I've been married almost 2 years. haha. Maybe you should talk to me in a few more years and see if I say the same things. :) Best of luck, and if you love him, by all means, MARRY THE BOY!!! Nothing beats the feeling of love, nothing.



SinnerSaved -> RE: Young marriage (5/11/2008 2:35:39 AM)

I was 20 when I married my wife, who was 18. That was 33 years ago.

It hasn't all been sweetness and light though - there have been many trials, but that was mainly before either of us were saved. Like you, looking back, we now believe that God chose us for each other. We know all of each others strengths and weaknesses and use them to build each other up. I think that marrying at that age is fine, but each of you need to understand the others background - ones parents, siblings and environment makes us what we are. Our early struggles were petty things about how things 'should' be done (mainly because that's the way our parents did them!).

My advice to you is - Go for it but keep God firmly in the centre of your marriage - a threefold cord is not easily broken. Also, you each need to give much more than you take.



crm4souls -> RE: Young marriage (5/11/2008 2:56:05 AM)

Ok, you are saved, that is the NUMBER ONE thing. Next, is it God's timing or are you rushing it. Remember if it is God today, it's God tomorrow. Why rush it being so young. I will have to encourage you to go with God because I got married a decade later than you two. Just remember Christ is your Rock in marriage, go listen to Jimmy Evans cds Marriage on the Rock. Blessings on your marriage, whenever it is...



Konstantinos -> RE: Young marriage (5/11/2008 9:49:55 AM)

quote:

I am going to get married in September. I will be 18 and my fiance 19....Do you think that is too young, and if not can you give us some advice for our marrige? I love him and i know god has sent him just for me.

Ps. He and I are both saved.


age means nothing alone. it highly depends on the people even if they are saved.



creationtalk -> RE: Young marriage (5/11/2008 10:50:09 AM)

Age is not the issue. Neither is "we love each other"

The issue is are you ready for marriage. How do you plan to support yourselves? Do you plan to get further education? What will you do if a baby comes along (or more than one...and "We plan to wait" isn't the answer)? Have you discussed the kind of life you want to live--this means each thought it through with out the presence of the other then compared notes--and do they agree?

I agree with the suggestion of pre-marital counseling.

There are some countries where a man cannot bet a marriage license if he hasn't demonstrated his ability to support a wife and family. I think there is merit to this idea.

PS. A lot have posted about their successful young marriage. I to know of people who married young and things worked out great (try 16 and 19). However, I know a lot more who married young and things didn't work out--even when they were both saved. I married at 21...we had different goals, expectations, and lifestyle desires. He was in the military so support wasn't an issue, and "we loved each other". But isn't enough to sustain and didn't survive a relationship with nothing else going for it. Take some advice from years of experience: Try to put the emotional away for a while and really examine what you want from life, what your expectations are of your future spouse, what type of lifestyle you want to provide for children when they come, where you want to live.

Also get the book "Saving your marriage before is starts" by Les and Leslie Parrot. You can purchase his and hers workbooks to go with it. Another suggested book (if still available) is the "Money before Marriage workbook" from Crown financial ministries and work through it together (if not available try "Money in Marriage workbook")



SinnerSaved -> RE: Young marriage (5/11/2008 11:57:46 AM)

Allison

Check out this link for sound biblical advice:

http://www.gotquestions.org/marriage-right-time.html



tiffywal -> RE: Young marriage (5/14/2008 10:53:19 AM)

Allison,

I got married young. We didn't know how to be married, but here we are, still married. We grew up together. We got saved together. My dh is in the Navy so I've seen many very young ppl get married. I mean 17 years old and not out of high school. Anyway, some of those marriages were successful and some weren't. Make sure you are not in love with the "idea" of being married. Marriage is a commitment. My advice:

First and foremost put God first in your life above all things and everyone. Then put God first in your marriage. Love your husband. Communicate. Talk about everything. Discuss ahead of time how you will handle money. Money use to be our issue but one day we realize that we weren't getting anywhere arguing about it. Now if there is an issue with money we figure out what happen and take responsibility for our actions instead of playing the blame game. Grow together. My favorite advice that was given to us on our wedding day, by my DH great Aunt: never allow too many ppl into your household, thats when problems arise.

Be bless



ptz -> RE: Young marriage (5/25/2008 11:56:14 AM)

I dont think that it is to young. My husband was 21 and I was 25 when we got married. We are coming up on our 2nd anniversary. I think it the biggest thing in determining a successful 'young' married, is the 'maturity level' of both spouses. I considered my husband a very 'mature' 21 year old for his age at the time. This made me feel comfortable marrying him at his young age. We had 'planned' things out, regarding our finances, future plans, kids, etc. Have to make sure that these aspects are in sync with what you both want. Make sure that no 'red flags' are being ignored, such as a hot temper, job instability etc. Also, i know that it has been said many times, but it is so true that marriage takes WORK, and alot of steadfastness. You will have your difficulties, get mad at each other, get on each others nerves every once in a while, have disagreements, but this is where maturity comes in. (no, stomping around the house and slamming doors, and running off to your parents for the night), have to stay and communicate and solve the problem. (i know so many young couples that act like that by slamming doors and not facing the issue). I would have loved to have gotten married at a younger age (around 22 once graduated college), but i didnt find my husband till i was 24. Being married is wonderful.[:)]



deermousie -> RE: Young marriage (5/25/2008 6:56:25 PM)

Here's a few questions that I think every couple contemplating marriage should ask themselves:

Does he have a stable job that will support you two and 14 children (just kidding. 13) for the next 30 years? Does he know the basics of family leadership? Is he capable of living with a woman in an understanding way? Do you know how to run a house, take care of kids, create an atmosphere of acceptance in the midst of turmoil, are able to disciple your children in the Lord, and know 100 ways to cook hamburger? (I had to learn how to grow my own. Yeah, I butcher 1500# cows. I'm 5'3" and nearly 60. [:D] But I wouldn't expect most people to do this!).

When you say you're both Christians, does that mean you're both daily into the Word, taking God seriously at what He says, praying daily, living a life that is loving others in obedience to God, forgiving others for hurting you, sacrificing for other's benefit (without needing for it to be publically known), and keeping short accounts on your own sin... or does it just mean you go to church most Sundays?

What do older, mature Christians think of your plans? Are they all for it (good sign!), lukewarm (red flag) or counseling you to wait (lots of red flags!)? I mean your parents and his parents, especially if they are Christians, your pastor/elders, and older, wise Christians who've known you for years. This is probably your biggest clue.

Are both of you willing to give up any future education that would give you a bigger paycheck? Are you counting on your families to give you money to get by? That's a big red flag, as it will take that extra money to keep you going for 30 years, and your parents probably aren't up to supporting perpetual dependents. God says that a man who doesn't support his own family is worse than an unbeliever. Harsh words.

Yeah, the feeling of love is great... and it comes and goes and has to be cultivated like a flower. Marriage, like a river, becomes calmer on the surface with time. Feelings will come and go, and the commitment will keep you together. There will be times (hard to believe at this stage) that both of you will occasionally wonder, "Why did I ever marry him/her???).

All that said, a godly man once told me, "If you know life is hard, why not go through it with someone you like?" You are making preparations to sail across an ocean. Make sure the boat has no leaks and has food, water and navigational equipment.

God bless you guys, however He leads!

(BTW, I was 38 when I got married. We just celebrated 20 years, and it's been hard but wonderful. God has blessed, and it made all the difference!)



camelot12 -> RE: Young marriage (5/27/2008 1:13:01 PM)

how long have you two been dating? Are you both in college (if so it is probably best to wait until after you graduate). Are both of you able to support eachother financially? Have you seriously discussed children, family, vacations, religion, health-lifestyle, exc, or are you getting married based on the whims of feelings?

18 and 19 are really young in today's society. Yes people did get married a lot younger 50 years ago but society has radically changed. People were more mature and accepting of responsibility at younger ages back then (we live in a peter pan society today where people can still be acting like teenagers in their 30's), they had greater family support and marriage actually meant a lifelong commitment. Most people back then didn't go on to college after highschool, but that didn't matter because they were actually able to find a decent job and be financially independent enough to raise a family right after highschool. Times have changed.

If you are rushing into marriage, ask yourself why? Are you afraid of losing him? Do you think it will fix problems in your relationship? Are you thinking with your hormones instead of your brains because you're both horny like a bunch of rabbits? Do you think marriage will be like the movies and it will never require work (a fantasy wish)? Are you obcessed with the wedding and wedding night and not giving thought that being married is more than the wedding day? Do you think marriage will make you complete? Do you think marriage will make you feel grown up?

Marriage is a lifelong commitment not to be entered into lightly for the sake of feelings and hormones. Love is patient. Lust and infatuation are rush rush rush. If you truly love eachother you will still be together 2-3 years from now and will be even more sure that you are making the right decision and not rushing when you decide to get married. I don't understand the need to rush something serious as marriage unless people want to legitmize sex. When people are horny they rarely think rationally.



mindonfocus07 -> RE: Young marriage (5/27/2008 8:12:20 PM)

There has been a lot of great things that other people have said, things I wish someone had told my husband and I when we got married (I was 19 he was 20). We have now been married 3 1/2 years although it seems like FOREVER and I can tell you there is a lot of learning on the job when you get married young. Thankfully we didn't have any children until our second year so we got a chance to live with one another and learn one another, because it is totally different when you are with someone 24/7. You get sick of one another and there is nowhere to go LOL. Another thing that I struggled with was submission (glup there goes that word again). Can you submit to him ever when you KNOW he is wrong and do it with a smile (and here is the key) WITHOUT saying in you mind, "I can't wait until this blows up in his face so I can say I told you so". I would really suggest you both do premarital counseling if you have not already because a lot of things are brought out in those sessions that you would have never even thought to talk about before. It will by no means be easy, it is not easy at any age, but if you have both prayed about it and know that this is what God is calling you to then you know he will grace you with the tools to make it.

Being that it was not that many moons ago that I was in your same shoes the best advise I can give you is that farmers don't pray for apple trees. Just like an apple tree has to be planted and watered and grown so does the fruit of the spirit...You can pray for patience, but to get it you will have to go through a situation where you just want to pull all your hair out one strand at a time...marriage is that situation... j/k [:D]



Jeffery_G -> RE: Young marriage (6/1/2008 11:56:22 AM)

It is always good to know each other for some time before getting married. Two years as a general minimum, three is better, 5+ is ideal.



csl7037 -> RE: Young marriage (6/2/2008 10:45:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: camelot12
18 and 19 are really young in today's society. Yes people did get married a lot younger 50 years ago but society has radically changed. People were more mature and accepting of responsibility at younger ages back then (we live in a peter pan society today where people can still be acting like teenagers in their 30's), they had greater family support and marriage actually meant a lifelong commitment. Most people back then didn't go on to college after highschool, but that didn't matter because they were actually able to find a decent job and be financially independent enough to raise a family right after highschool. Times have changed.


I completely agree. You can't set a number and that be the "right" age to get married. And you can always find people who were married super young and did just fine - that doesn't make it a good idea in general. At 25, I barely had a clue what I was doing...wow, at 18, no one has a clue!!! I know, everyone thinks they're the exception, though. What's the rush??



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