must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (Full Version)

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rumnraisin -> must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/4/2008 1:11:53 PM)

i have a burning question to ask:

if one had already fornicated with a bf/gf but knows that he/she is not the right one, is it right to break up? or must it be that whoever you lost your virginity to should rightfully become your husband/wife?

very confused. made an extremely hard decision to break up and feel God's peace, but people tell me that when 2 has become 1 flesh God will not want the 2 to separate.

furthermore, it is very scary as i think about the prospects of meeting someone else, and having to tell him that i have had sex with my ex and even had an abortion (yes i did, the biggest regret of my life). i want a Godly husband but i cannot imagine someone Godly settling for someone like me.



buckifn -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/4/2008 4:18:59 PM)

In answer to your question, NO. If that were God's law than some women would have to marry a man who was a rapist. That doesn't even make sense, does it?


God wants you to first realize HIS amazing love for you and learn how to accept His love so you will not only know how to love Him in return, but love yourself as well.

I would highly recommend you find some type of self esteem program and allow God to reveal your value as seen through His eyes.

Do you have a female mentor who could guide you in that direction?

Also, have you received any counseling to deal with the guilt and pain of having an abortion? Abortion is one of many, many, many sins Christ forgives, but sometimes the hardest part is us learning to accept His forgiveness no matter our sin.



DustyLady -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/4/2008 4:32:57 PM)

No, you most certainly do not need to marry this man just because you yielded to temptation and had sex with him. I assume that you have repented of your sin, and asked God for forgiveness. Now you need to be able to forgive yourself and put this behind you. Go find the man you can enter into a Godly marriage with.

Dusty



Cloak -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/4/2008 4:43:00 PM)

We all make mistakes and you are human. The point is to repent to God as quickly as possible and determine not to repeat it and remain sexually pure till the right man comes along at the proper time.

Please don't be harsh on yourself I know how you feel...added to this the abortion. If you repented sincerely; God has forgiven you for both.

Now you are a new creature in Christ, the old things have passed away. That is a promise from the Bible and this is how your Godly husband should think and have this mind-set; otherwise he is not the right one.

God's blessings!



crh737 -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/4/2008 5:34:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rumnraisin

i have a burning question to ask:

if one had already fornicated with a bf/gf but knows that he/she is not the right one, is it right to break up? or must it be that whoever you lost your virginity to should rightfully become your husband/wife?

very confused. made an extremely hard decision to break up and feel God's peace, but people tell me that when 2 has become 1 flesh God will not want the 2 to separate.

furthermore, it is very scary as i think about the prospects of meeting someone else, and having to tell him that i have had sex with my ex and even had an abortion (yes i did, the biggest regret of my life). i want a Godly husband but i cannot imagine someone Godly settling for someone like me.

I have not read any of the response, but my response is No. You do not have to marry the man/woman in whom you had premarital sex with.
I would however pray and ask the Lord to break any spiritual ties you have made with this person.
Also since you had an abortion, I would strongly suggest counselling.
Having an abortion is not something that should be taken mildly as you have taken a life that God had put in your life.
I personally know of women who suffer deep trauma who have experienced abortion in their lives.
May God bless you
CRH



deermousie -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/4/2008 6:04:52 PM)

Lots of things here, Rumnraisin; I'll start with the last one.

We are ALL sinners. There's not one person here who doesn't deserve death and hell. God knew how lost we were, which is why Jesus had to die in our place to rescue us. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Rom. 5:8 Not one of us can brag about how godly we are, because we started out as lost before we were found, and God is the One who grew us into godliness. It's God all the way:

26 For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble;

27 but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong,

28 and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may (BK)nullify the things that are,

29 so that no man may boast before God. 1 Corinthians 1

A godly person is one who has had more time of being sanctified by God, that's all. We all start at the first step, and we're all accomplished sinners, one way or another. You aren't any worse off than the virgin who used to gossip.

When a potential future husband just starts to show an interest in you, you do need to let him know you aren't a virgin and about the abortion. If that's going to be a problem, then let it blow up before the relationship goes very far. If he's God's man for you, your past won't change that. He may grieve it, but no one is perfect except Christ. We are sinners who marry sinners.

There are groups of Christians who deal especially with women who've had abortions, to give them grace and help them heal. Maybe someone responding to this thread will have a link. A crisis pregnancy center will know. God's forgiveness is greater than any sin we've committed, dear heart. There is wholeness for you in the love of Christ, and no condemnation from Him or me. We've all sinned in one way or another, and God gives us grace. For you, too.

quote:

the biggest regret of my life


I would be worried about your spiritual state if you didn't feel this way. OK, you blew it (we all have in some way), but God's grace is still deeper than your sinful action. You say you know this is sin (that's confession), your remorse tells me you'll never do that again (that's repentence), so all that's left is to thank God for forgiving you and cleansing you from all unrighteousness. Walk on, Christian - you have a clean slate if a bruised heart, and your repentence glorifies God. Go take on the rest of your life as God's dear child. There is no condemnation.

If a person has been intimate with someone, they form a bond. I don't know exactly what that bond consists of, but people can tell you it's there. You'll have to live with the breaking of that bond. But it isn't the same thing as destiny, and if you know the person isn't God's will for you, then don't marry them. Sin doesn't make God's will.

What does God expect of you? Confess your sin (say it's sin), repent it (turn around and do what's right instead), and you're clean. 1 John 1:9 He forgives us of ALL unrighteousness.

quote:

made an extremely hard decision to break up and feel God's peace, but people tell me that when 2 has become 1 flesh God will not want the 2 to separate.


That's the saying we use in weddings. You didn't marry the guy, you just acted a fake version of it (it's over). The precedent is Adam and Eve, and God *gave* Eve to Adam for a wife. God did not give you to this guy as wife, but you guys took matters in your own hands and sinned. So get out of it. If he's not a Christian, that's a double reason to not marry him - you can't. If he is a Christian and you both wanted to marry, then I'd say go for it, but not without much good counseling.

You have experienced real loss, so give yourself a few years to deal with it and heal. Talk to your pastor and maybe get some Christian counseling. Contact a Christian group that does abortion counseling. I've known people in the past who do this, and they have been some of the warmest, most gracious Christians I've met. Don't be afraid they'll hate you; they won't. Some of them used to be in your shoes.

And don't be surprised if God uses this whole mess to make you a shining light to others who need help, counsel and hope. No one understands like someone who's already been there. God turns tragedy into victory all the time.

Just my funny little idea, and maybe not a good one, but did you ever name that baby? A life lasts forever, and you can expect to meet a son or daughter when you get to heaven. Give them a name, and thank God for that person's life that's safe with Him. In heaven there is no bitterness or condemnation, but fellowship in Him who forgave everything. Expect to be greeted by them with open arms and great joy.

Thank God with great rejoicing for His salvation and forgiveness, and count Him worthy of all your praise and love. He did it all with you and me in mind, and He knows your name and has written it in the Lamb's Book of Life. See you at the foot of the throne, dear sister in the Lord!



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/4/2008 7:34:55 PM)

quote:

if one had already fornicated with a bf/gf but knows that he/she is not the right one, is it right to break up? or must it be that whoever you lost your virginity to should rightfully become your husband/wife?



Two wrongs, NEVER make a right. Some of the worst marriages are people who marry just because of pregnancy or because they've slept together. If this person you slept with is not the right person for you, repent of the deed, move on, and pray for God to bring the right person into your life.



gaylel1 -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/4/2008 11:58:09 PM)

I agree with the others and the answer is no. And especially if the man is not a believer.



rumnraisin -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/5/2008 2:14:14 AM)

thank you all for your responses. really.

to clarify, yes he's christian and we've been together for more than 5 years. i made the decision because i felt that i was a huge idol in his life and so is he. as i grow more and more (i'm 21), i realised that in Christian practices and doctrine, as well as outlook in life, we differ much. i guess it has been a nagging thought in my mind to put an end to this relationship but just never had the courage to till now.

i pray that i will use my season of singlehood to serve and glorify God, drawing nearer to Him. same for him.

thanks for the reassurance of God's exceeding grace and love for me. i will think over the many suggestions to have counselling because im ashamed. no one knows about what we have done besides us and his mother. my parents know nothing and i don't want to break their heart. in their eyes im a good girl.

thanks again, really appreciate it.



MsSara -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/5/2008 2:52:13 PM)

You are in my prayers. I think people with a past have more trouble accepting their sins than others do, and certainly more trouble than Christ Jesus does. If you were in a sinful relationship, you made the right choice to get out of it, and no, I don't think you should marry this boy just because you have had sex. The last thing you should be thinking about at this point is being in a relationship. You need to come back to God. He is the provider of partners and when the time is right, if you are following in accordance with His will for your life, you will meet someone who is perfect for you and won't blink if you choose to discuss the past. You should remember that if you are a Christian and you have asked forgiveness, then the sins you commited cease to exist in the eyes of God. We are amazingly forgiven and saved by grace. You should accept this gift and press on toward the goal of Godliness so you may recieve all the blessings that are it store for you! Good luck.
Sara



gmc4Jesus -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/6/2008 12:00:47 AM)

Fortunately, fornication is not the unforgiveable sin. However, we must do more to teach others that you should not have sex with someone you are not married to, including lusting after images in magazines or on Internet porn.

If you have violated someone (and it is not a rape situation), it would be honorable to marry them and make it work. Realizing that we sometimes give in to our sex drive, your response in repenting and maintaining an attitude not to repeat the sin is a great step in Christian maturity.

God bless you as you grow in your maturity and relationship with Him.



bltormey7 -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/6/2008 10:29:45 AM)

I don't believe that you have to marry this guy. In 2 Chronicles 7:14 it says this:

If My people who are called by My name would humble themselves and pray, seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways then I would hear from heaven, forgive their sins and heal their land...

I believe that what has hapened has happened, but that God isn't a God to leave you feeling in some position of defeat because of it. Yes, sin has consequences and you know them I am sure, but in this verse God says that if we would turn from all the NASTY, all the IMPERFECTION, all the SIN in our lives that He would hear us and He would heal our land...

I believe He can heal you and you can live wholly even with what has happened and I also believe He can heal the one you committed the sin with...you just have to put yourself the position to allow God to renew your life and to renew your mind and continue you on....

Your past shouldn't define your future...it should only increase it through learning and gaining wisdom



Dakotasunbeam -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/6/2008 6:29:35 PM)

I think maybe you should. The only applicable scripture we have on this particular scenario is in 1 Corinthians 7:36:

But if any man thinks he is behaving improperly toward his virgin, if she is past the flower of youth, and thus it must be, let him do what he wishes. He does not sin; let them marry.

Okay, so the only scripture we have on this one, pertaining to folks who are elgible to marry (eg. She is not married, you are not married, you have not been married before, divorced) you are free to marry.

The only stipulations we see in the text are:

1. The female must be past the flower of youth

Saying someone is "not the one" is not your place to say, if you have already had sexual relations with the person. You may know that you do not really want to marry X individual, or you do not have "feelings" for this person beyond physical, but there is such a thing as doing what is right even when it hurts.

Remember, "The one" is not a fantastic superhuman floating in the nebula, it is "the one" you marry. Unlike other strange scenarios that can present itself in life, which may require some deep and thorough study of the Bible, your particular situation was actually addressed in the Bible. The solution is provided as well.

It is now your choice whether you will follow that solution.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/7/2008 4:21:32 PM)

i believe the above scripture lends itself to another interpretation as well you should consider.
first off 'any man' refers virgin's parent / guardian ... also easy to make the case that OP is still in flower of her youth/age as she is 21 and still obviously maturing ... and here's something else i found rumnraisin to help put your mind at ease:

from Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary:
7:36-40 The apostle is thought to give advice here about the disposal of children in marriage. In this view, the general meaning is plain. Children should seek and follow the directions of their parents as to marriage. And parents should consult their children's wishes; and not reckon they have power to do with them, and dictate just as they please, without reason. The whole is closed with advice to widows. Second marriages are not unlawful, so that it is kept in mind, to marry in the Lord. In our choice of relations, and change of conditions, we should always be guided by the fear of God, and the laws of God, and act in dependence on the providence of God. Change of condition ought only to be made after careful consideration, and on probable grounds, that it will be to advantage in our spiritual concerns.



JimboFletch -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/7/2008 4:27:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam

I think maybe you should. The only applicable scripture we have on this particular scenario is in 1 Corinthians 7:36...

I agree with "iwillfearnoevil," yours is a poor translation and an incorrect explanation.



preserved -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/7/2008 5:15:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam

I think maybe you should. The only applicable scripture we have on this particular scenario is in 1 Corinthians 7:36:

But if any man thinks he is behaving improperly toward his virgin, if she is past the flower of youth, and thus it must be, let him do what he wishes. He does not sin; let them marry.

Okay, so the only scripture we have on this one, pertaining to folks who are elgible to marry (eg. She is not married, you are not married, you have not been married before, divorced) you are free to marry.

The only stipulations we see in the text are:

1. The female must be past the flower of youth

Saying someone is "not the one" is not your place to say, if you have already had sexual relations with the person. You may know that you do not really want to marry X individual, or you do not have "feelings" for this person beyond physical, but there is such a thing as doing what is right even when it hurts.

Remember, "The one" is not a fantastic superhuman floating in the nebula, it is "the one" you marry. Unlike other strange scenarios that can present itself in life, which may require some deep and thorough study of the Bible, your particular situation was actually addressed in the Bible. The solution is provided as well.

It is now your choice whether you will follow that solution.


DAKOTABEAM..I have to dis-agree with you on this...The OP has every right to determine if this person is right for her...So she got weak and sin...then had an abortion...This is something that she will have to ask God forgiveness for...and He will...

rumnraisin...when did you determine that this bf was not the one for you? Before or after the fornication and abortion? What you need to do is put God first in your relationship and allow God to show you when the person is for you..God does not put together a man and woman if it is not in the Will of God...If you want a Godly husband...then you are going to have to rely on God to lead you...It will become a problem later on with the abortion issue unless you seek some counseling to get a clearer understanding what took place and to get pass it..



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/10/2008 5:13:26 PM)

As to the OP, NO.

In fact, it could end up being one of the worse decisions you make.


My encouragement to you is to stop having pre-marital sex (as in no more, with anyone; now or in the future), concentrate on your relationship with Our Lord and then let Him guide you in every aspect of your life. I would also encourage you to get some Christian post-abortion counseling. Healing Hearts Ministry is an excellent choice for that; the women there have also had abortions, so they know what you're going through.



sunluvingirl -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/10/2008 7:06:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rumnraisin

i have a burning question to ask:

if one had already fornicated with a bf/gf but knows that he/she is not the right one, is it right to break up? or must it be that whoever you lost your virginity to should rightfully become your husband/wife?

very confused. made an extremely hard decision to break up and feel God's peace, but people tell me that when 2 has become 1 flesh God will not want the 2 to separate.

furthermore, it is very scary as i think about the prospects of meeting someone else, and having to tell him that i have had sex with my ex and even had an abortion (yes i did, the biggest regret of my life). i want a Godly husband but i cannot imagine someone Godly settling for someone like me.

NO, you do NOT have to marry him!! I don't think we can find any scripture to support that idea. As for being ashamed of your past, well, just remember that if you have repented & Christ has forgiven & cleansed you, then you are as much a virgin as someone who has never had sex.



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/10/2008 7:17:14 PM)

That's not exactly true.

One can never regain their virginity; and it's a dangerous concept to try to believe.

One can certainly be cleansed of prior sins; but the cleansing does not mean that the sin never happened, and to act as if it never happened negates Our Lord's Blood Sacrifice. If nothing happened, then no atonement was needed.

Not being a virgin is now simply a fact of rumnraisin's life. It doesn't have to be shouted from the rooftops; yet neither should it be "forgotten" nor denied.

However, what she can rejoice in is that she can live a pure life from this point forward. THAT's what happens when one's sins are covered under Our Lord's Blood; we move forward; hopefully while seeking His Wisdom and His Guidance.



sunluvingirl -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/10/2008 8:29:58 PM)

Certainly, I agree, whats done is done and it cannot be undone.There is the law of sowing & reaping. What I meant was she is now a new creature in Christ so in God's eyes she is just as pure as the next person. Sorry, I used bad wording!!



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/10/2008 8:50:24 PM)

Oh, ok. Thanks for clarifying. [:)]

I have run into people who have literally reclaimed their virginity.



sunluvingirl -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/10/2008 9:09:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteRoseBlessings

Oh, ok. Thanks for clarifying. [:)]

I have run into people who have literally reclaimed their virginity.

Hmmm, that would certainly be lying. Even though our sins are removed as far as the east is from the west, God forbid, that we would not be honest to our future partners about our past!![sm=eek.gif]



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/10/2008 9:16:10 PM)

LOL! (Your smiley is the same one I was using a while ago when I thought you were being literal with your previous post).


And yep, most definitely what you said just now . . . in fact, I was even thinking the very same thing when I was initially responding to you . . . but I didn't want to write an entire epistle . . . not "just yet." [:D]



jaimestarcross -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/12/2008 1:04:23 AM)

Are you getting spiritual counseling/mentoring? I really encourage you too!
People who fornicate (especially Christians) need to repent of that (get married if you can't control yourselves.)


Learn to set up safe boundaries in dating - find a mature Christian lady that can mentor you.



p.progress -> RE: must i marry the one whom i had sex with? (5/15/2008 3:16:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam

I think maybe you should. The only applicable scripture we have on this particular scenario is in 1 Corinthians 7:36.

But if any man thinks he is behaving improperly toward his virgin, if she is past the flower of youth, and thus it must be, let him do what he wishes. He does not sin; let them marry.

Okay, so the only scripture we have on this one, pertaining to folks who are elgible to marry (eg. She is not married, you are not married, you have not been married before, divorced) you are free to marry.

The only stipulations we see in the text are:

1. The female must be past the flower of youth

Saying someone is "not the one" is not your place to say, if you have already had sexual relations with the person. You may know that you do not really want to marry X individual, or you do not have "feelings" for this person beyond physical, but there is such a thing as doing what is right even when it hurts.

Remember, "The one" is not a fantastic superhuman floating in the nebula, it is "the one" you marry. Unlike other strange scenarios that can present itself in life, which may require some deep and thorough study of the Bible, your particular situation was actually addressed in the Bible. The solution is provided as well.

It is now your choice whether you will follow that solution.




"The only applicable scripture we have on this particular scenario is in 1 Corinthians 7:36."

Not meaning to embarrass you Dakotasunbeam, but not only are you incorrect in your interpretive rendering of Paul's words to the saints in Corinth, you're incorrect in thinking and claiming that 1cor.7.36 is the 'only' applicable scripture to the situation regarding Rumnraisin's situation and question and concern.

The 'proof-text' you cite contrary to both yours and some commentatories claims, is not speaking of the will of the virgin or virgins, but the will and prerogative rights of the father's of virgins - female virgins to be specific. While the language may seem confusing at times and this is true even of the greek words that were used by Paul to pen this portion of his letter; there is clear...clear and sufficient internal contextual evidence that points to the conclusion that Paul was not here in verses 36 thru 38 speaking to or about male "virgins" and whether they ought to marry or not, nor female "virgins" whether they ought to marry of not - this was covered by Paul in verses 25 thru 28 and on through 29 thru 35 (notice the natural division in these sections: 1-7, 8-9, 10-11, 12-16, 17-24, 25-35 [25-26,,27-28,29-31,32-33,34-35,36-38,39-40]. Here Paul is speaking to the fathers...that is the RIGHTFUL AND RESPONSIBLE GUARDIANS of the female virgins...again, their own fathers. Research the "giving of". GOT TO GO>>>>>



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