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ScarletFury -> RE: Toss A Topic-Writing Challenge #7 (5/6/2008 5:43:46 PM)
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Thanks for your entry to the Toss A Topic Writing Challenge-WRITING! (I would’ve posted this sooner, but had some PC trouble)
MY NOTES: Don’t forget to add your copyright, it doesn’t count towards your word count, so if a search engine should lead someone to your brilliance, they will think twice before trying to copy/paste!
You'll find your review below in RED INK:
and MY IMPRESSION: . Please take my words with a grain of salt. Use what you can and chuck the rest! [:D]
RED INK:
This red ink may cover minor grammar/punctuation.
1st Paragraph: This is past tense, correct? You can omit using “was” by simply using “Tried”. For example, “she tried in vain…”
Is ‘sensation’ plural? If so, add an “s” sensations, it would flow a tad better if it was.
Comma after being.
To tighten, see how you can condense, for instance. “…being, it fed off angry thoughts and fearful supposition, slanting through her mind.” It grew (past tense) sporadically until it was so large and full of …” Try to tighten up this line, make it keep the reader reading. This is your first paragraph, so you want the hook to grab them and keep reeling in! Watch your use of ‘was’ it’s used three times in one line, with “and” used twice.
Try using “would” sometimes in place of “was” e.g. She was half-afraid it would implode…
2nd paragraph:
1st line. You have a lot of good thoughts here, but you could tighten them up quite a bit. Such as, move the “that” over to the front, for example: “energy that flowed through her entire body, causing her heart to speed up, her toes to tingle and her fingers to twitch…” Note the use of commas instead of “and”. It helps to cut down on wordiness. Note where the “That” has been moved.
2nd line: this line was awkward. Perhaps rewording would convey the idea clearer. I had to read it twice to ‘get it’
3rd line: Try changing the “was” to woruld here, this is a good line and doing a bit of reversing, e.g. “It would strike like lightening…” helps to pinpoint extra emphasis.
3rd paragraph:
1st line, try to cut this in half, if you can. It’s a bit long and you could give extra emphasis to seeing other worlds.
2nd line: No apostrophe for “world’s” make it “worlds” Simply add an “s”
You can also cut the line in where they(ideas) seep into the floor and start the next paragraph with them to add more to it.
4th paragraph:
1st line: Watch extra words. I noticed that you slipped in here at 499 words exactly. But trimming out commonly used words can give you ‘room’ for adding more details. For instance, the last half from “pathways in her mind, storing them for later exploration” that revision saves you about 6-7 words. Enough for a sentence/phrase.
2nd line: You could omit the “and” try a comma instead.
3rd line: Comma after glory, omit “and” before legends, put a comma in the respective/necessary places. If you want extra emphasis here, you could end the line at “breathtaking” Cut out the “that” and begin a new sentence with something like “the wait…” etc.
5th paragraph:
1st line: Was it almost like wine, or was it really like wine? You could omit the almost and let it be like. That’s what it seems like, but with the ‘almost’ the hesitation is shown, is it or isn’t it?
2nd line: tighten second it reads a bit awkwardly, try reading it aloud and see what happens.
3rd line: You could omit “Such” unless you are aiming for an artsy feel in this piece, because three words later, you used it again. Watch using “She” twice in the same sentence as well.
6th paragraph:
1st line: Cut in half, try “being into the mysterious of her imagination, the would flow into the page, mixed and broke.” And begin the next. This shows two lines for one thought, the transition is better this way.
MY IMPRESSION: Very well done! You do have quite the knack for descriptions@ They are very rich and visual. I could easily relate to this piece, because I’ve been there and had a brilliant idea without any ‘outlet’ around for ‘miles’. This was great, and with a nice amount of narrator transparency, while putting the reader in the MC’s shoes. Great writing![:)]
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