What Do I Make Of This??? (Full Version)

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CRS009 -> What Do I Make Of This??? (5/1/2008 12:23:28 PM)

I guess to get an honest perspective on my situation I must be very honest. I am 34 and have been married for 8 years in just 1 week. We have 3 great kids ranging from 3 to 8. Back when I met my wife, she was a senior in college and I was working already. We had been dating for a little while and out of the blue I did the unthinkable and cheated on her with another girl. She took a two week vacation from our relationship to "get over me" and after doing her own thing decided that our relation could really grow into something great-so we stayed together. Before we got married I asked her if she thought that she was able to put what I had done, in the past-if not I would question us getting married. We had dated for another two years after the "incident". We got married in 2000 and in 2003 a friend of hers told her that I was cheating on her. The answer is a definate NO, but of course our past had her second guessing me. You see, her friend was dating one of my friends and when he up and left her, she decided to try and make our relationship suffer. My wife drilled me for months on end about it though. Unfortunately their friendship is no longer intact. Now that we are in 2008, four and a half months ago I had an ex-girlfriend contact me out of the blue on myspace. She simply told me what she is doing now days and it was kept very clean and almost more professional than friendly. We only coresponded three times and it was on a week night and late. My wife checked my myspace (we don't hide stuff from each other) and woke me up screaming at me because I didn't tell her. I obviously wasn't waiting up until very late to tell her. My intention was to tell her the next morning. So these three things that have happened from 1997 until Dec 2008 are seriously affecting or shall I say infecting our marriage. Since this so called incident in she has said she had 3 or 4 dreams where I am cheating on her. This prompts her to tell me about them as they happen and ends w/ her asking me if I am cheating on her. I get a little defensive in telling her no and she takes that defensiveness and throws it on top of it all by saying that me getting upset about her asking me is a sign that I am! I went to my sister's in D.C. this past weekend and when I got back she was mad because I got home after 6 pm and didn't call her enough while I was gone. Last Sunday night while we went to bed she told me three things that really are worrying me; 1. She said that she thought I was in Washington D.C. getting divorce papers. 2. We had thought about moving closer to her work in an awesome subdivision w/ a community pool/playground and a lot of younger kids. We even went looking at some of the for sale properties. She told me that she doesn't want to move there or any subdivision because all she thinks about is all of those stay at home moms. She said it's not necessarily me she doesn't trust, but others in the subdivision. 3. She told me that she has thought about the "what if's" of divorce and she feels that if she were to leave me, that the kids would think she is the "bad Guy". I think since this week has gone by, I have tried very hard to show her that I love her very much and that there's nothing to worry about. I have not felt so short of breathe and uneasy about this kind of thing since she had her friend try to convince her I was cheating (5 years ago). I feel that I am in game I can't win. Anytime she wants to put me down or make me feel bad-all she has to do is tell me she had another bad dream or simply ask if I'm cheating. I love my wife and don't think divorce is much of an option. My parents and her parents divorced and we say we don't want our kids growing up like that. I teach youth ministry at our church on Sunday's and am actively involved with church connect groups. Every grade has a youth ministry team, the teacher and assistant. The assistants are mostly high school students from our "Revolution Team" -high schoolers helping to teach tomorrows future. I have had an assistant the just happens to be a sixteen year old female. About two months ago we were in the main worhship center for the second service and she said high to me and my wife. My wife, when we got home told me that she was really upset and that she could not get the picture out of her head (of the way I looked at her). I seriously did not know whether to laugh of get upset. I could NOT believe that my wife was suggesting that kind of stuff between me and a 16 year old teaching 3rd graders at church!
I need help because I feel like as a good Christian that I have turned my life around. In early 2004 while in the military I suffered a major heatstroke and spent 4 days in an induced coma. The severity of the heatstroke has left me with some disabilities (heat intolerance to temps above 70 F, neurological problems etc.) but it was a huge wake up call for me to thank God for saving my life and giving me a second chance to right wrongs and to really get active in our church and remember that "all things are possible through Christ who strengthens me". I am left wondering why, all of a sudden my wife is in this mode of constantly thinking I am not faithfull. Just when I think things are going well, it seems like she knocks me down. Help! Does it sound like my wife is looking for excuses to leave me or is this marriage going to always be plagued by what she said she had gotten over?



manda59 -> RE: What Do I Make Of This??? (5/1/2008 12:35:00 PM)

quote:

Now that we are in 2008, four and a half months ago I had an ex-girlfriend contact me out of the blue on myspace. She simply told me what she is doing now days and it was kept very clean and almost more professional than friendly. We only coresponded three times and it was on a week night and late.


I'm curious. Bearing in mind what had happened in the past, why on earth did you add an
ex-girlfriend as a friend on your MySpace without running it by your wife,
let alone respond to her message/carry on a conversation? You seem to think that it's fine to "only" exchange messages three times, but since you did this without telling your wife, I think you only have yourself to blame for her suspicion.

Btw, how come you were on MySpace late at night, and not in bed with your wife?



ladyingrace1979 -> RE: What Do I Make Of This??? (5/1/2008 12:39:27 PM)

Have you considered counceling? I think you both could benafit from good Christian counceling. It does sound like your wife has some major trust issues. She may have honestly believed that she had gotten over the past, but something has triggered that fear again. Also if your disability causes stress in the marriage she may also be reacting to that, or the fear that if she doesn't loose you to someone else she will loose you to the disability. It's not rational but by pushing you away she is protecting herself. Try to get into some sort of counceling.
Kim Q



jaimestarcross -> RE: What Do I Make Of This??? (5/1/2008 12:42:00 PM)

All doors and passage ways to past love(s) should be firmly closed - since this wasn't done your old love was able to contact you at myspace and you two had a few conversations that you didn't tell your wife about... in the back of her mind you aren't trustworthy.... so she'll be looking for evidence of your cheating.
Notice how she brings up what happened in the past and then she's feeding her suspicions and then come the dreams of you cheating... all in all I'd say there's a lack of trust and she's not in a place where she's able to forgive and work on forgetting (casting down anything thoughts/ideas/suspicions of you cheating or looking to cheat.)

I recommend marriage counseling.



DaveW -> RE: What Do I Make Of This??? (5/1/2008 12:53:09 PM)

My first suggestion: ditch the myspace account and the other knockoffs. (of course that could just be my age talking!) It will keep that kind of stray encounter from happening.

My second suggestion: get the both of you into some biblical marriage counseling. Do you remember that Elvis song where he sang "we can't go on together with suspicious minds.." ? IT is really true. That level of suspicion will kill any relationship. It needs to be dealt with in a biblical and redemptive manner.



csl7037 -> RE: What Do I Make Of This??? (5/1/2008 1:28:49 PM)

I'll be frank. My dh could've written your post sometimes. I have struggled with depression off and on which can make me irrational. Add to that major hormonal issues that are partly alleviated and partly exacerbated by medication. I don't know your wife, I can only speak from experience. Whatever the emotional or physical factors, it boils down to me controlling my thought life. When I open that door the enemy throws crazy stuff at me - and sometimes he doesn't have to because my flesh inspires all the freaking out on it's own. It may be stress of other things and a lot of factors that contrtibute sometimes to irrational fears.

I'm not going to say you're a jerk for being on myspace (I think that's a cop out, it has nothing to do with that) and I'm not going to say you're perfect. It might be a good thing to talk through some old stuff so it doesn't keep being dug up by every new thing. It's not easy.



laura... -> RE: What Do I Make Of This??? (5/1/2008 2:15:18 PM)

Here are my recommendations:

1. Pray earnestly for your marriage and ask a trustworthy brother in the Lord to pray with you regularly for your marriage.

2. Shut down your myspace and any other social networks on the internet. Not because you are doing anything wrong but because your wife is currently in a place where your marriage cannot handle it.

3. Resign from the youth ministry. The bible says that your house must be in order first before you minister in the church. Currently, your house is in crisis not in order. Your marriage and family needs your full attention.

4. Get into marriage counseling.

5. If she is willing, get your wife into individual counseling.

6. I hate to put this bug in your head but... those who accuse the most are unfortunately most often the ones who are guilty. Is she afraid you are having an affair because she has, or is or is considering one? I wouldn't mention this but the statistics are outrageously high.



Auben -> RE: What Do I Make Of This??? (5/1/2008 4:26:25 PM)

I have to agree with the above posters.

If you didn't tell your wife about the 3 previous innocent posts with your ex, then you probably weren't going to tell her the next morning either. It might be good to admit that to yourself and ask yourself why you would even let it go on that long when you know how your past behavior has caused suspicion in the marriage.

I agree that you need to close down your MySpace, withdraw from teaching with teenage girls, enter counseling together (and your wife could really be helped with some individual counsel as well).

You may think these are drastic or unfair measures but if you value your marriage you will be above reproach until your wife can regrow the trust she had for you. Until she can do that treat her sense of trust as the delicate thing it is.



Hislittleone -> RE: What Do I Make Of This??? (5/1/2008 8:13:25 PM)

Manda:
quote:

I'm curious. Bearing in mind what had happened in the past, why on earth did you add an
ex-girlfriend as a friend on your MySpace without running it by your wife,
let alone respond to her message/carry on a conversation? You seem to think that it's fine to "only" exchange messages three times, but since you did this without telling your wife, I think you only have yourself to blame for her suspicion.

Btw, how come you were on MySpace late at night, and not in bed with your wife?


Ditto this.

Laura:
quote:

3. Resign from the youth ministry. The bible says that your house must be in order first before you minister in the church. Currently, your house is in crisis not in order. Your marriage and family needs your full attention.


I agree.

Auben:
quote:

withdraw from teaching with teenage girls, enter counseling together (and your wife could really be helped with some individual counsel as well).

You may think these are drastic or unfair measures but if you value your marriage you will be above reproach until your wife can regrow the trust she had for you. Until she can do that treat her sense of trust as the delicate thing it is.


Well said. I agree.

quote:

My wife, when we got home told me that she was really upset and that she could not get the picture out of her head (of the way I looked at her).


CRSoo9, if your wife thought you were looking at this girl in a way that was inappropriate then chances are she was right. Women are much more intuitive about relational issues than men. You may want to think long and hard about whether your wife could be sensing something that's going on in your heart/thought life that's not quite up to par. This may be a good time to examine your heart and determine whether or not your eyes/mind are remaining completely pure (not ever lusting after other women) and if not, fix it the problem. This time you may not have been intentionally checking out the girl but do you do that (check out other women)? Because if you do, it's understandable your wife would be uneasy about how you "looked" at this girl.

Also, if there has ever been any porn use (by you) then it will generate bad feelings in your wife's heart, even if she never knew you were doing it. So if you're doing or have been doing these things (checking out women, looking at porn) I don't blame your wife at all for never fully healing.

But even if you aren't doing those things you shouldn't be hiding these conversations you're having with an ex-girlfriend, much less even having them in the first place! You should have told your wife IMMEDIATELY after the xg contacted you. So, it's your own fault she's upset and not trusting you.[8|]



pbaribeault -> RE: What Do I Make Of This??? (5/1/2008 9:44:40 PM)

Another marriage thread recently had an excellent post about spiritual warfare.

I think it's probably accurate to say that if you are getting back into Christian faithfulness that our adversary is really going to step up his efforts to derail you any way he can. That's why, "Just when I think things are going well, it seems like she knocks me down." Except that it is not her knocking you down, it is your enemy that has targeted her (through her insecurity) in order to destroy your marriage, your children, your faith, and all your potential kingdom impact.

It's one of his best tactics to get at a guy like you, so be on your guard and put the blame squarely on him. It's not your wife's fault that she has become a high intensity target for his lies.

Luckily, the Bible speaks a solution to this when it tells you to love her "just as Christ loves the Church" -- pray for her, protect her, support her, reach out to her and be a rock for her. Comfort her both by your words and your actions -- meaning that if you are doing something that is playing to her insecurity, you should willingly give up any 'freedom' or 'right' simply to comfort her (what is that compared to laying your life down for her?). You were the one who quoted "all things are possible through Christ who strengthens me".



Ashyah -> RE: What Do I Make Of This??? (5/1/2008 11:33:40 PM)

I just found this post.

I agree with almost all of the posts.

I wont even touch myspace too much garbage going on in there

You shouldn't be on internet late at night while your wife is already in bed.

You should get yourself a male assistant.

She may be insecure because of your past. You should not even have talked to the ex once.



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