RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (Full Version)

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Memaw. -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/2/2008 10:18:26 AM)

I absolutely agree with both Wes and Dave.



kburrow -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/2/2008 2:59:38 PM)

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. Bless you for protecting your son in the face of family pressure.

We have a similar situation with my own extended family. 7 years ago, just before my wedding, my husband's college age nephew molested his 6 year old niece. There is no doubt what happened. It was at a family reunion, and the nephew initially admitted it in front of many witnesses, but has later denied it.

I don't believe there's any real debate in my husband's family as to the fact that the molestation happened, just the response to it. Nearly all are very committed Christians, and some believe honestly that it's important to to forgive and move on. The problem in my opinion is they are using a 6 year old girl to settle their own consciences. If they want to forgive this person and associate with him, fine, but they have no right to ask a child, any child, to shoulder that risk. The 6 year old wanted nothing to do with her cousin or any gathering that included him, and her parents have respected that in the face of very ugly responses from some in the family, especially the offender's parents. The girl is a teenager now, and recovering well, no doubt in large part due to the support and protection from her parents.

This was a big todo at my wedding as well as we were pressured to invite the nephew. I didn't want him there, not only because it brought back memories of my own sexual assault as a teenager, but because there were little ones in my own family who might attend. I caved on inviting him, but also maintained that I would inform all parents of small children attending the wedding of the risk. After all, the assault happened in a bathroom during a busy family reunion. Nephew didn't show.

We do not visit husband's family, in another country. We fly his parents here to see us from time to time. I have so far been able to avoid any contact with nephew, but if the occasion ever arises and is totally unavoidable, I will tell him in no uncertain terms that I am watching him and to not come within 10 feet of my kids, and I will not take my eyes off my children for a second. My duty is to them, not to nephew.

Please inform parents of any other at risk children in the family. I am so grateful that I know of the risk from my nephew so I can protect my own kids from him.

I agree with those who said it's so important not to sweep this under the rug. I was sexually assaulted and hospitalized as a teenager by a schoolmate, and had pressure from teachers to not "mess up his future" etc. Some felt he couldn't have done such a thing. One teacher even ranted at me that she was afraid he'd kill himself if I didn't start dating him again, and if he died it would be my fault!

I nearly committed suicide when I believed (wrongly as it turned out) that I was pregnant from the assault.

My father was very angry with me for "letting the assault happen", and my mother as usual did nothing. At age 40, I am still hurt that my parents did absolutely nothing to pursue my attacker or protect me from the harassment after the assault from others at school, teachers, and the attacker himself.

Your child needs to know that you love him and would never put him at risk of harm. He needs you on his side. Bless you for doing the right thing.

Kim



WesP -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/2/2008 3:13:39 PM)

quote:

My father was very angry with me for "letting the assault happen", and my mother as usual did nothing. At age 40, I am still hurt that my parents did absolutely nothing to pursue my attacker or protect me from the harassment after the assault from others at school, teachers, and the attacker himself.


Kim,

I am sorry to hear about your situation as well. I picked this paragraph out because I wanted to stress a particular point. If the victim does not receive the necessary support, the next time they need something, they will not tell anyone. This can be crushing on the psyche. The younger the child, the more the inability to handle becomes greater (as a rule). Allowing a young child (any for that matter) to internalize and try to deal with issues such as these with no support will reap some devastating consequences later in life.



Row1 -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/2/2008 5:02:24 PM)

Attending family functions, etc.:

my opinion is:

Your son should not be made to be involved with these people any more than he wants to be. Neither should you. If that makes other people "uncomfortable," then tough. They brought this upon themselves.

If, one day, your son feels like he can attend some wedding or other family function with any of those people there, then fine. In that case, I would set up some clear signal for him to give you if during the event he feels like getting away from these people, at least briefly, such as going outside with mom or dad, or leaving the event entirely.

I say this because he does not deserve to be forced into unconfortable situations to make these people happy, or to help them gloss over a major problem.

However, in the future, you have to worry about beign too protective, like if he gets afraid to do other things, such as change in middle school locker room, etc. This is just some of the damage molestation does, that really will never be erased.

when those things com up, as someone has said, first he needs to be able to know he can talk to you about it. second, he needs to be encouraged but not forced to try things or else he will get afraid and hesitant to try anything.

Finally, in my opinion:
some people will say he must be in counseling. I disagree. Saying he has to attend counseling is basically saying he has something wrong that needs to be treated.

Yes, counseling could help, but only if he is at least somewhat willing, and understands what the purpose might be. Such as: to give him an impartial person to reveal his memory and feelings with; someone to provide education such as telling him he may have nightmares or may have fears of locker room, sleep-overs, and other educational things just so he can accept them if they do happen.

There are websites with info about child trauma and abuse. One bit of evidence is that if you acknowledge, but get back to everyday life and routine, things may be just fine, but dwelling a lot on the problem, such as with counseling, can make things worse.

Have prayed for ya!! -Row1



karlie -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/2/2008 8:55:22 PM)

quote:

Yes, counseling could help, but only if he is at least somewhat willing, and understands what the purpose might be.

I have to disagree with that. Kids at the age of 8 don't have any clue what's best for them. I work with kids all the time who haven't been in the counseling they need and the issues are never dealt with and they take those problems with into adolescences and adulthood. They shouldn't be forced to talk about it until they are ready, for sure, and no reputable counselor who knows what they are doing with children will force that. But, we can't let a child dictate when treatment is sought and when it's not. We wouldn't let a small child decide if they get medical treatment or not, and this can be every bit as serious in the long run.

quote:

Saying he has to attend counseling is basically saying he has something wrong that needs to be treated.


The way to approach sending a child to counseling is not to tell them they have problems or issues or that there is something wrong with them. You most definitely do not want to make a huge deal of it. You tell them it's so they have someone to talk to who they can be very honest with about anything they want to. If they want to talk about school or their birthday or the new leggo building they just made, then that's fine. What and when the child chooses to share and talk about is then up to them. A counselor has to build up trust anyway...he/she won't just jump in and ask them about the abuse. If the child asks specifically if there is something wrong or if it's because of the abuse. Then you tell them something like " There is nothing at all wrong with you...you're perfect! But, that was scary thing that happened to you and we just want to make sure you have someone to talk to if you have questions and you don't feel like talking about it to anyone else yet. If you don't want to talk about it with them, then you can talk abaout other things and that's okay too".

quote:

when those things com up, as someone has said, first he needs to be able to know he can talk to you about it.

Sadly, that is not usually the way it works. Most kids have an easier time opening up to a counselor than their parents in situations like this. Not because they don't trust their parent, but because of the child's instinctive need to protect their parent. They know (most of the time) that what makes them sad makes their parents sad and they don't want to make their parents upset. They internalize it and feel that it's them causing the pain and upset and not the situation itself, therefore, they often decide not to speak of it at all so Mom and Dad don't have to be upset. Also, most kids go through a blame period when they blame themselves for the abuse. You can tell them it's not their fault til you are breathless, but until they work through that, and come to the place of really believing it, they will blame themselves. Many kids blame themselves to the point that they fear if their parents hear the ugly details, they may think differently of them and many will avoid that possibility until they get some coping skills and understand deep down that they aren't at fault.

Some kids do open up to a parent right away, but most have a process to go through before they feel they can do that. A good child counselor will help facilitate the openness between the child and parent.



McGuinessMagee -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/3/2008 7:36:37 AM)

Protect your son.

You can do nothing to help the other child at this point because those who should be helping him are not acknowledging that there is need for help.

As someone who was abused as a child I can honestly say that as a young adult Christian I found it much harder to forgive my parents for not protecting me from being around my abuser after they knew of the abuse than it was to actually forgive the person who abused me.

Right now your greatest duty of care is to the protection of the child God has put in your care. Family harmony is secondary to that. And if it has to be a choice between the two, there is no choice!

Kylie[sm=silly.gif]



W.O.F. -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/3/2008 3:17:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Row1

.

Finally, in my opinion:
some people will say he must be in counseling. I disagree. Saying he has to attend counseling is basically saying he has something wrong that needs to be treated.



I have to disagree with this statement....people go to premarital counseling...not because something is wrong, but to enable them to have the coping mechanisms to deal with difficult times.

Having been raped as a teen....I WISH someone would have gotten me counseling before I finally found it on my own. Not because something was wrong with me...but because it would have given me coping mechanisms that would have prevented some of the LATER fallout I went through. Counseling is simply teaching someone to talk about what happened and how to deal with all of it...and to realize that being in counseling does not mean something is wrong with you, but that you take all of your health seriously.

We go to the doctor for checkups, not just when we are sick..and counseling is the same thing.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/3/2008 4:42:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: W.O.F.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Row1

.

Finally, in my opinion:
some people will say he must be in counseling. I disagree. Saying he has to attend counseling is basically saying he has something wrong that needs to be treated.



I have to disagree with this statement....people go to premarital counseling...not because something is wrong, but to enable them to have the coping mechanisms to deal with difficult times.

Having been raped as a teen....I WISH someone would have gotten me counseling before I finally found it on my own. Not because something was wrong with me...but because it would have given me coping mechanisms that would have prevented some of the LATER fallout I went through. Counseling is simply teaching someone to talk about what happened and how to deal with all of it...and to realize that being in counseling does not mean something is wrong with you, but that you take all of your health seriously.

We go to the doctor for checkups, not just when we are sick..and counseling is the same thing.

That's true, but to get a child to understand that is a different story, especially if the child goes to school. They may hear of 'crazy people' who have to go to counseling and not know or understand the difference.

Not saying they don't need counseling, but that it's easy to see how a child could see it as him having a problem.

I pray that you are able to make a wise decision. Dealing with this can't be easy. *huggles*



W.O.F. -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/7/2008 2:53:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_

That's true, but to get a child to understand that is a different story, especially if the child goes to school. They may hear of 'crazy people' who have to go to counseling and not know or understand the difference.[

Not saying they don't need counseling, but that it's easy to see how a child could see it as him having a problem.
but that is where as parents you choose a counselor who is able to help that child realize the truth of the matter is that they are simply talking to someone they can trust. It is very important to choose someone who is a pediatric counselor, has sexual abuse counseling experience, as well as preferably being Christian.

Kids are a lot more open to counseling these days...because there is a postive bent put on it at school, church, etc. Very few talk about the "crazy" people who need counseling...but rather more talk about the "crazy" people who won't get it....

quote:


I pray that you are able to make a wise decision. Dealing with this can't be easy. *huggles*

Amen and amen!



Row1 -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/7/2008 3:38:16 PM)

good points.
there is a saying that...well, just look at WOF's signature.



W.O.F. -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/7/2008 10:15:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Row1

good points.
there is a saying that...well, just look at WOF's signature.

LOL



vicbhe -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/14/2008 11:18:17 PM)

I was married to someone who was molested at a very young age by a cousin and then again as a teenager by a closer family member. She hid this even from herself and it eventually destroyed her mentally and emotionally. When it came out many years later, I also learned it was one of those "family secrets" that went back for many generations.
Now I am learning from others that "family secrets" are very well hidden, covered up, swept under the rug, and passed on from generation to generation. That is how so many deal with it. Cover it up and let the guilty go on and make the innocent one suffer in silence.
I assure you from what I have seen many families are very good at hiding these things and making their family appear so normal to the outside world. In fact they convince themselves that it really isn't happening, it's somehow all ok since its "in" the family.
Protect your son. I know what it did to my kids mom to have covered it up all those years.



woodwind228 -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/15/2008 12:16:59 PM)

My heart goes out to you!! My daughter was molested too. I called the DA's office, who referred me to a detective, who referred me to The Georgia Center for Children (specialize in abuse). The intake counselor interviewed her (and taped the interview) and, as a result, got an arrest warrant for the abuser on 5 counts.

quote:

about 4 months later i received a letter from cps saying "this happens to a lot of kids... etc. they didn't feel the need to go further" i called them and told them i disagreed with that, and that the boy who did this needs help, as he is not getting any.


Unfortunately, it does happen a lot. A lot more than people realize. And your son needs help (and God's healing). I am appalled that cps responded in the way they did. They should've taken the abuser into custody and made him get help. It is also appalling that your family members don't feel it's a big deal. IT'S A VERY BIG DEAL! Your son is not likely the only kid he's molested. And the abuser was also likely molested.

You could contact the cps office at the state level and complain. Perhaps they would reopen the case and actually do something. Also, where I live, my daughter was able to get free counseling at The Georgia Center for Children because she was a victim in the county where the center was located. Check into that and see if there's a similar program. If you don't get results at the state cps level, go to the governor, as the governor typically oversees the dept of health/human services (DFCS).

I would keep your son away from the abuser at all costs and if your family didn't like it...tough. You are merely protecting your child from more danger, not only physically but emotionally as well.

I apologize if I'm getting a little excited here...I'm really sensitive to this type of thing. After I learned of this happening I did a lot of research on the subject. It's horrid. I found out what the symptoms are of child sexual abuse. Have mercy! My daughter had a lot of the symptoms and I didn't even know it! I felt horrible and felt that I had failed her. After doing the research and learning of the symptoms, I was able to protect my younger daughter. I think every woman should get information on child molestation as part of their prenatal care so that they are aware and can better protect their children. Molesters have no face. They can be the sweet looking grandpa down the street, teachers, church members, or the skaliwag lingering at the next corner. It could be anyone. And, unfortunately, more times than not, it's someone close to the child that the child knows well.

I'll get off my soapbox now. I'd definitely keep your son away from the abuser and get psychological help for your son. (Maybe even consider a restraining order?) Be very supportive and reinforce that's it wasn't his fault. Don't talk about it constantly but let him know that you're available if he should ever want to discuss it.



AlwaysR8chel -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/15/2008 3:04:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: McGuinessMagee

As someone who was abused as a child I can honestly say that as a young adult Christian I found it much harder to forgive my parents for not protecting me from being around my abuser after they knew of the abuse than it was to actually forgive the person who abused me.

.
.
.
.
........... There is power in your statement. I didn't want it to go un-noticed.

...

My oldest was abused by her step-father.

The entire case fell through the cracks in the system. He disappeared, we think to the west coast.

Once I was getting gas at the gas station... there was a man across from us... and from the back, he looked exactly like the abuser.

My daughter was shaking so bad... I thought she was literally going to have a complete physical and emotional breakdown.

I confronted the person.... just to make sure it wasn't him.

It wasn't, thank the LORD.


Our children are GIFTS to us.... we must protect them.



whoz-it -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/15/2008 4:07:56 PM)

My husband's nephew began molesting his sister when he was 12 1/2 and she was 8. He molested her for several years and then one day out-and-out raped her when she was 12.

Skipping details...three years later their parents found out...several weeks of shock, arguments and silent treatments with their son...then the excuses of why he somehow could not be helded responsible began.

Skipping even more details...my husband's brother...after much prayer with his wife and with my husband and me...made the decision to tell the authorities.

We have been shunned...lied about...our lives have been threatened...

...WHY?...

...because we spilled a dirty little family secret.

We were told that this happens alot. We were told that in these situations the perpetrator is surround by family protection and excuses while the ones who told are treated with contempt.

My husband's family is full of "family secrets"...my husband and each of his three siblings were molested...his mother and each of her three sisters were molested...her mother and several of the aunts on her mother's side were molested...her female cousins on her daddy's side were molested...her aunts on her daddy's side were molested...and on and on.

How far back does the ugliness go? What if someone...generations ago...had done what my brother-in-law, his wife, my husband and I did? What if generations ago someone had NOT kept it a family secret, but instead said...THAT IS IT...NO MORE!

And what about my niece and nephew? She lied to the police about the rape...and no I don't blame her. He is not only walking the streets, his parents are actually allowing him to live at home...with his sister and younger brother...one more thing...my nephew identifies himself has bi-sexual...no one is safe.



whoz-it -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/15/2008 4:31:55 PM)

Advice.?

Our niece hated us for several weeks after the authorities were involved. I'm sure that hate was fueled by many emotions, including her mother who has serious and deep anger issues stemming from her own molestation.

Now though, I get the strong impression that my niece just feels guilt because the family is split apart over the way we were treated...as if it is her fault...how very sad.

My niece...Liz...please left her name up to the Lord...has alot to bare on her 16 year old shoulders.

So my advice would be...protect your child/children...and in the process watch that they don't carry any needless guilt because of family splits.



kernsfamily -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/15/2008 6:15:38 PM)

quote:

I think you all did wrong. This should have been handled better from the get-go. But, no, I would not make my child see him again and the family that cared more about glossing things over than irreperable harm to my child could go take a hike.


absolutely....

"glossing it over" and pretending it "never happened" is what they did back in the "good old days", when it only SEEMED like incidents such as this just did not occur...along with many, many other "sinful acts".

Just don't let anyone else in "the family" tell YOU how to handle this situation....or have them convince you to "sweep it under the rug"...

just stay away from them permanently, if that's what it takes.



redzinnia -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (6/4/2008 1:01:01 PM)

Hi, I am so sorry to read about your son. My 6 year old son was recently molested at his daycare by a 12 year old boy who my son believed was a close friend. (the whole story is very long) Anyway, the police, CPS and state licensing bureau are involved. After the forensic interview, the detective believed the molestation happened. He went to the other childs school and arrested him, brought him in for questioning and of course, the 12 year old lied and denied the whole thing... Going forward with our young boys. You need to get your son in counseling immediately! This is not an advertisement, but ChildHelp USA can get you going in the correct direction. You need to keep your son away from the child who hurt him at all costs, for his sake. Your son needs you to show him that you care for him by taking him to see a counselor who can help him feel good about himself again and help him to "re-set" his personal boundaries. A good counselor will help your son and your family deal with the violation and help make your family whole again.



locomom -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (6/5/2008 3:34:11 PM)

Your relatives are nuts! I would not let any of your kids anywhere around your son's abuser. Imagine if you were raped or groped and fondled by someone. One what day would you say,"Sure, let's go socialize with him or to dinner with him." That day would be never!

Next time any of your extended family pressures you for the sake of their mental comfort and fantasy family harmony, ask them the question I asked above. Challenge them to guarantee it will never happen to any of the kids there. Make them explain what has been done to get help for the boy who did the molesting.

I think my response would be something like the following, "You are completely out of your cotton-pickin' mind. Don't ever ask me to betray my child. I am so shocked you would even suggest it. You have lost your mind!" click



DenimDiva -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (6/6/2008 11:35:15 PM)

Advice- keep your son away from the 12 year old.

Keep the 12 year old in your prayers. I'm not belittling what he did at all. It was wrong. However, he learned the behavior somewhere. Most likely it was through being molested himself. He needs prayers, guidance and everything else that your son needs.

I know that people want to look at the 12 year old as being a bad kid. What he did was incredibly wrong, there is no way around that. However, he's been hurt, he's hurting others and he'll continue to hurt others and himself until he gets the help, prayers and support he needs.



crh737 -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (6/7/2008 10:04:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: luvmyboys
However, some say he needs to see him, to move on.



Tell them to go blow Bologna! This is not a true statement and it will only confuse and devistate your child again.

I had to live with my molester and I can and will tell you do not put your child at risk.
I believe he will evaluate what happened to him to not be important enough and may start having guilt and shame feelings which is in appropriate, because it is not his fault.

Your so called relatives are trying to downplay the severity of this other child's actions and behavior.

Safe guard your child and keep him far away from this little perpatrator.

CRH



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