Goals and Rewards (Full Version)

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csl7037 -> Goals and Rewards (4/25/2008 2:15:35 PM)

Do you set goals and use rewards for your kids? For what kind of things? I am talking to dh about setting some goals for dd for the rest of the school year. This may be a topic for the school section but I think it's a bigger question and homeschoolers might have this same situation with school or other areas so I'm putting it here.

Dd is difficult to motivate. She's just one of those strong-willed ones. Dh blurted out one day in the Fall that she could have a cell phone if she got straight As. She's in 3rd grade!! My jaw dropped across the room! I don't think he thought that through. But she worked really hard and ended 5% total away from straight As (two Bs that were 87% and 88%). So we know she can when she wants to - making her want to is the trick.

The third nine weeks she almost got straight Bs. And this fourth 9 weeks got off to a really rocky start (I had a thread a while back about her being accused of cheating on a spelling test, I wont go into that now). I'm looking at her midterm report trying to guage where we are and what she needs to do to finish out the 9-weeks well. By my calculations...

To get 1A and 5Bs would require her doing great on the rest of the spelling tests and decent on the rest of the math (that's to keep those two from dropping to Cs)

To get 2As and 4Bs she would need to work a little harder in Language and/or Reading

To get 3As and 3Bs she would need to work pretty hard all around

To get 4As and 2Bs would require a near miracle plus extra credit (Spelling teacher I know would give it if she asked; Bible teacher I think would give it). It's doable but she'd really have to want it!!

She also gets Behavior marks all throughout the week. This was a nightmare at the beginning of the week but she's really been on a roll lately. We need to keep that going. And she wants a bearded dragon desperately (dh doesn't). But this is what I have in mind....

Some small reward for 2As/4Bs, something a little bigger for 3As/3Bs, and a bearded dragon for 4As/2Bs (which would be costly! and dh might not be talked into it - makes way more sense than a cell phone, IMO). With behavior marks, if she finishes the year with NO marks, she could bump up one level on whatever grades she ends up with - like get a bearded dragon with 3As/3Bs or the middle level reward with 2As/4Bs. I'd need another reward if she just keeps behaviour marks down (<4/week).

Does that sound fair? I also worry about setting a precedent - can't top a bearded dragon next year! I might see one or two of her teachers at Bunco tonight and chat with the about the idea too.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: Goals and Rewards (4/25/2008 2:19:37 PM)

Bearded dragons are a lot of work. Is she mature and responsible enough for that?

I homeschool, but I have never rewarded the kids for doing well. I want to them to find inner motivation for that. It is actually one of the reasons we homeschool. I hope some other parents have ideas for you.

One thing, though...to go back on your word if you have already told her something, that could do some damage.



csl7037 -> RE: Goals and Rewards (4/25/2008 2:33:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair

Bearded dragons are a lot of work. Is she mature and responsible enough for that?

I homeschool, but I have never rewarded the kids for doing well. I want to them to find inner motivation for that. It is actually one of the reasons we homeschool. I hope some other parents have ideas for you.

One thing, though...to go back on your word if you have already told her something, that could do some damage.


We've talked about (and been talked to about) bearded dragons for about a year! She brings in lizards from the patio - frankly I'd rather have one real domsticated lizard in a cage than five wild ones loose in my house. She's obsessed with animals - but not normal animals - bugs and lizards. What's a mom to do? I think it would be a great tool for boosting maturity as well. She kept two wild frogs alive for months...bearded dragons are way cuter!

I'd love to teach her to find "inner motivation" but this has been our struggle. She's strong willed and unconcerned with what anyone thinks. She's not a people pleaser at all which I love but it can be exhausting. She's our constant challenge. I'm hoping if I can keep her on track the next few years, she'll internalize it, realize she CAN do it and eventually realize that to meet her goals, she needs to do it.

A big gripe of mine is that she's taken from a TV show she likes to watch that she's the "cool" one and her brother's the "nerd" because he likes school. He's picked this up (he's in 1st) and is identifying himself now as the one who likes school. He's my straight A people-pleaser child. But I want to nip this in the bud with her. She can torment me with arguments over fashion till she moves out but being "cool" is NOT going to be at the expense of her grades. Sheeesh!



Jenny-Fair -> RE: Goals and Rewards (4/25/2008 2:38:47 PM)

quote:

She brings in lizards from the patio - frankly I'd rather have one real domsticated lizard in a cage than five wild ones loose in my house.

That cracks me up. I have two boys and I so totally understand where you are coming from. One just bought a tomahawk throwing kit[&:]

If you were homeschooling, I would tell you to direct all her studies towards her natural inclinations, since she really DOES have inner motivation--and if it's connected to exotic animals she probably would eat it up faster than you could keep up.

Since you are doing PS...I would be likely to find her a summer opportunity to use as a reward. Maybe not this year, but if next year you can say, 'if you do your best, and your father and I feel that you really have tried hard this year, then this summer you can go to Science camp' or whatever, that might be nice. It's so hard at her age, though.

One thing I have had to learn myself, as a natural-born perfectionist, is not to expect perfection from my kids. Do you feel her attitude is getting in the way of her abilities, or could it just be that her abilities right now don't match up to what you want them to be?



csl7037 -> RE: Goals and Rewards (4/25/2008 2:49:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair
If you were homeschooling, I would tell you to direct all her studies towards her natural inclinations, since she really DOES have inner motivation--and if it's connected to exotic animals she probably would eat it up faster than you could keep up.

Since you are doing PS...I would be likely to find her a summer opportunity to use as a reward. Maybe not this year, but if next year you can say, 'if you do your best, and your father and I feel that you really have tried hard this year, then this summer you can go to Science camp' or whatever, that might be nice. It's so hard at her age, though.


This is something I'll have to think about. I consider myself an "after schooler" because we do a LOT extra just to keep her motivated and on top of things. I need to get creative and find ways to steer her other subjects toward creepy crawly things whenever possible. We're in a private Christian school so I do feel like I can work with her teachers really well. They would probably even let her tailor assignments or encourage her to tailor assignments, especially writing that way. Things like Bible and math and history would be more difficult. But I think you're on to something!

I think camps are more expensive than a bearded dragon! But probably not in the long run. Our zoo camp is supposed to be cool but expensive and probably an hour's drive but maybe I could find someone to carpool with. Good idea.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair
One thing I have had to learn myself, as a natural-born perfectionist, is not to expect perfection from my kids. Do you feel her attitude is getting in the way of her abilities, or could it just be that her abilities right now don't match up to what you want them to be?


I struggle with this because she and I are such opposites. But I think ds and I are the more driven perfectionists in this house here dh and dd are "free spirits" (as her 2nd grade teacher always said) but they're also much more intelligent than ds or I. It bothers dh to think she'll do what he did and wake up one day in college and realize how much he could've accomplished with half an ounce of effort.



pbaribeault -> RE: Goals and Rewards (4/26/2008 4:20:33 PM)

You might want to put some thought into effort-driven rewards rather than results-driven rewards. I'm difficult to motivate myself, so I'm thinking about when I was a kid.

I hated the rewards-for-grades system my parents had... I'm not sure why, because I was successful and gained plenty of rewards, but I felt, I think, kind of diminished, undervalued and reduced to one dimension ("All they care about is my grades, as if they've forgotten I'm a person.")

Now that I'm a grown up, I know what works for me when I'm under-motivated - and that's routine-oriented short term goals that I can say to myself, "I've had a good morning. If I do every morning mostly this way, I'll have my housekeeping under control all the time." This is based on the idea that good habits yield rewards - real rewards that come naturally in adult life, but in a parenting scenario you can provide artificial reinforcement.

What occurs to me on a practical level is to decide what is a reasonable amount of effort (and a specific amount of time) to be putting into education on a daily basis. Then set up a routine to attack it - set up desk, unpack backpack, list out assignments and set priorities, place to-do books on the floor on the right in priority order, move current assignment to the desk, decide to complete all or half before a break, set a timer, stop the timer for the break (food, water, quick walk), return to desk, complete and repeat until time is up or until assignments are completed (if assignments are completed with extra time, the last book in the to-do stack should be a free-reading book to take up that time, or she can choose to work ahead or do something long-term).

I'd advise rarely making her go beyond her dedicated time, unless you feel she has been less-than-dedicated. Instead, you might write a note to the teacher requesting that she be allowed to complete it the following evening. (If this happens often, it might be better to increase the amount of time you feel is reasonable until she completes her work the vast majority of days.) Major projects might be an exception, but in that case you could support her through a double-work day or two, without making it feel like a punishment.

Each day as she does this, you should reward her with smiles, hugs, snacks, stickers, expressions of approval for her attitude, dedication and orderliness. On a weekly basis you can reward her by enhancing her study experience (fancy pens, erasers, fresh crisp paper, a cushion for her desk chair, a pretty lamp, new backpack, lunch bag, arts & crafts stuff) and by discussing how easy it is to be a good student. You can also enrich her life in other ways (outings, special times, videos, favorite meals) and emphasize how a good life flows from focusing on her tasks in their turn, which leads to lots of time to enjoy herself.

At the end of the semester, you can reward her attitude and dedication to her studies, rather than her grades, or you can show her how her study choices created such good grades for her - but my idea is all about being proud of HOW she did it (so she will continue doing it) rather than a focus on grades as a one-time accomplishment. (This might also help out when in the future you are tempted to compare her results to those of her possibly more academically inclined brother - they are both expected to study hard, but that might not yield the same results.)

These habits are likely to begin to carry over to when she is doing work in the classroom, because they will become her preferred method of study that works for her (do be flexible and set up something that does work for her).



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