Sister In Law Over Reacting? (Full Version)

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CarlaJames -> Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/21/2008 10:22:20 PM)

Here is the thing. My husband invited his nephew to go to a paintball tournament with him. He is 14. His mom asked if he could spend the night the night before so it would be easier than having to go out and pick him up in the morning. Our son is 13 and they get along fine. (In case anyone is wondering....our son doesn't like paintball.)

Then his mom calls hubby and asks if our nephew can bring a friend (one we don't know) Hubby says that's fine, but the house isn't big enough for all those teenage boys so he'd just pick them up in the morning, no big deal. She gets all upset and call us later in the day saying if they can't spend the night the night before just forget it. She's not letting them go, if "WE ARE GOING TO BE THAT WAY" Thing is..it's not even HER weekend! It's his dad's weekend so why is she even concerning herself with it?

Why is this upsetting her? I've been married to her brother for 14 years and I've yet to figure her out. There is no way I can call and talk to her. Hubby tried and she wouldn't listen. She has somehow taken this as a personal thing against her son. Hubby told her he had no problem with him staying, he didn't invite this other kid to play paintball much less spend the night (how awkward for our son to have a kid over he don't know anyhow) He didn't mind at all for the friend to go or to pick them up in the morning. I guess she doesn't understand her son is the only one that gets the bad end of the deal here.

Am I just blind or am I missing something here? If you were her, would this offend you?



lightshineon -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/21/2008 10:25:22 PM)

Well SIL, wanted some reason to get rid of son and friend. More to the story?????



CarlaJames -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/21/2008 10:29:36 PM)

NO, that's the strange thing. It's not even HER weekend with her son. It's his weekend to go to his dad's house. What's it any business of her business when it's his dad's weekend? Doesn't matter if he spent the night or not, he wasn't going to be with her anyway.



lightshineon -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/21/2008 10:37:28 PM)

Is she bi-polar? seriously. Whatever she is, I would not want strange teens spending the night either. That is a strange request, not to mention rude of her.
quote:

ORIGINAL: CarlaJames

NO, that's the strange thing. It's not even HER weekend with her son. It's his weekend to go to his dad's house. What's it any business of her business when it's his dad's weekend? Doesn't matter if he spent the night or not, he wasn't going to be with her anyway.



manda59 -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/21/2008 10:37:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CarlaJames
NO, that's the strange thing. It's not even HER weekend with her son. It's his weekend to go to his dad's house.



Just to clarify, are you saying that she is divorced from her husband?



CarlaJames -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/21/2008 11:02:42 PM)

Well to be honest...she IS Bi-Polar. That's strange that you asked. She gets upset easily and you have to walk on egg shells around her and I'm just over it. I'm sick and tired of her being able to act anyway she wants to people while the rest of the family says "you just have to ignore her, she's bi-polar" She causes too much drama.

To answer the other question...she was NEVER married to her son's father. He was a one night stand and she never really even dated him.

Yeah...she has a lot of issues, but she needs to leave my family out of it. Hubby was being nice by asking her son to go paintballing, now it's a mess, he's not going, and she's mad at everyone, and I'll be honest...she's got me upset too.



lightshineon -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/21/2008 11:05:06 PM)

Let it go, if not with her issues, you will be upset all the time. Consider the source.
quote:

ORIGINAL: CarlaJames

Well to be honest...she IS Bi-Polar. That's strange that you asked. She gets upset easily and you have to walk on egg shells around her and I'm just over it. I'm sick and tired of her being able to act anyway she wants to people while the rest of the family says "you just have to ignore her, she's bi-polar" She causes too much drama.

To answer the other question...she was NEVER married to her son's father. He was a one night stand and she never really even dated him.

Yeah...she has a lot of issues, but she needs to leave my family out of it. Hubby was being nice by asking her son to go paintballing, now it's a mess, he's not going, and she's mad at everyone, and I'll be honest...she's got me upset too.



lightshineon -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/21/2008 11:06:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lightshineon

Let it go, if not with her issues, you will be upset all the time. Consider the source. The more the drama the more the pay off for her, trust me on this one.
quote:

ORIGINAL: CarlaJames

Well to be honest...she IS Bi-Polar. That's strange that you asked. She gets upset easily and you have to walk on egg shells around her and I'm just over it. I'm sick and tired of her being able to act anyway she wants to people while the rest of the family says "you just have to ignore her, she's bi-polar" She causes too much drama.

To answer the other question...she was NEVER married to her son's father. He was a one night stand and she never really even dated him.

Yeah...she has a lot of issues, but she needs to leave my family out of it. Hubby was being nice by asking her son to go paintballing, now it's a mess, he's not going, and she's mad at everyone, and I'll be honest...she's got me upset too.




crankius -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/21/2008 11:07:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CarlaJames
It's his weekend to go to his dad's house.


Does your husband know the dad? Do they have any kind of friendly relationship? Maybe your husband could arrange a future paintball outing through the dad. Especially if the son is in the dad's custody during the time your husband wants to spend time with him, it makes sense that he would have to ask the boy's father about it, not the mother.



manda59 -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/21/2008 11:12:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CarlaJames
To answer the other question...she was NEVER married to her son's father. He was a one night stand and she never really even dated him.



Well, if this was due to be his weekend with his dad, maybe she wanted him out of the way the night before as well as for the weekend. Perhaps she has plans. [8|]

Or maybe she wanted the son not to be there when the dad turned up to collect him - maybe she hadn't told him he had plans.

Sounds like a lot of drama either way. Too much drama. Keep well away.



CarlaJames -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/21/2008 11:20:26 PM)

You're right. I need to let it go. I'm just having a hard time.

How do you deal with people like that? Do you just let them treat you like dirt and ignore it so they don't get pay offs with the drama?

There is no telling what she's telling our nephew. I sent him a Myspace message telling him I'm sorry he can't go and we didn't mind him staying at all, but we have one kid and we're not used to a house full. Maybe I should have left it alone, but I didn't want him to think bad of us. He read it, but didnt' reply. Don't know how to take that.

And yeah.....hubby said he should just call the dad and ask if he can come pick him up for paintball. They are friendly with each other. It's his weekend so his decision, but I think that would bring more drama.



crankius -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/21/2008 11:22:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CarlaJames
And yeah.....hubby said he should just call the dad and ask if he can come pick him up for paintball. They are friendly with each other. It's his weekend so his decision, but I think that would bring more drama.


Tough cookies.

It's dad's time with the son, so the dad gets to decide, and the dad gets to give the permission. The SIL is not the sole parent to the son. If she is going to be so disagreeable, it makes sense that your husband would work with the reasonable parent.

I'm guessing that the son benefits from the relationship he has with your husband. What a good uncle!



pbaribeault -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/22/2008 12:01:18 PM)

Whether she is genuine-diagnosis-and-medication bipolar or just erratic you had it half right when you said, "Do you just let them treat you like dirt and ignore it so they don't get pay offs with the drama?"

You can let this person say and do anything she likes as long as she doesn't do it to you. So that's not exactly letting her treating you like dirt, it's just refusing to get bothered.

(If she does treat you like dirt, say in a level headed way, "I don't like how you are treating me / speaking to me. I'm leaving / hanging up the phone for now. We can talk again another time. Goodbye")

With the paintball thing, all that you (or dh) needed to say was, "That's unfortunate. I think Billy would have really enjoyed himself. Call me if you change your mind. Goodbye."

For now, if you are going to go to the dad, out of courtesy you (or dh) should call her and say, "I wanted to let you know I'm going to give Billy's dad a call to see if we can make some paintballing arrangement this weekend after all." (Insert drama here) "Well, I just wanted to let you know. Goodbye."

The bottom line is, no matter how she behaves, just stand straight, speak courteously and act like a normal person yourself. She's odd, but you don't have to be upset about it. You don't have to think about it or respond to it. It's between her and her illness, you just happen to be watching from the outside.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/22/2008 12:13:58 PM)

After I read your post (and before I had a chance to read lightshineon's post), my first thought was this sounds like something my ex (who happens to be bipolar) would do (lol).



crankius -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/22/2008 12:18:37 PM)

quote:

The bottom line is, no matter how she behaves, just stand straight, speak courteously and act like a normal person yourself. She's odd, but you don't have to be upset about it. You don't have to think about it or respond to it. It's between her and her illness, you just happen to be watching from the outside.


I think this is very wise advice. You should print this out and remember it.



CarlaJames -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/22/2008 8:09:25 PM)

Thanks for all the kind words and good advice guys. I dunno what hubby plans on doing about it. It's his sister so I'll let him deal with it, I guess. We actually are going out for a birthday dinner for mother in law the night before the paintball tournament so I'm sure it will come up again. I'm dreading it actually. She will prolly start an arguement and then end it by saying he can go.



pbaribeault -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/22/2008 9:04:28 PM)

It takes two to argue. You don't need to say anything to this situation. Instead say things like, "Yes, that's what you told me before." and "I don't have a problem with it either way." and "I've already told you why that's not going to work for me." Until she runs out of steam.

If you're really dreading the conversation, just say, "I don't want to talk about this." and then refuse to participate in the 'conversation' at all.



lightshineon -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/22/2008 9:13:25 PM)

Just smile,,change subject, and that will have to do for her.[;)]



Focusing -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/25/2008 9:55:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ

After I read your post (and before I had a chance to read lightshineon's post), my first thought was this sounds like something my ex (who happens to be bipolar) would do (lol).

Ditto ... my ex is also bipolar. [&:]

There really is no reasoning with someone like her, and nothing you personally can do ... short of being courteous.

Just deal with his dad, that's the best thing to do, and confirms that he is welcome to join your hubby and son for a day of fun.

Poor kid! I imagine life at home with mom isn't too fun for him.



lightshineon -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/25/2008 2:56:21 PM)

Since alot of bi-polar relationship, and borderline personalities are so self focused. when she argues. Self gratifaction is you responding back so she can be the center of attention. this is why BPs argue, throw tantrums, so much. Disclaimer: I said most bi-polar, and I guess I should have stated, most relationships I have had ( almost everyone I know, for some reason) behave in this way.



dradynsmom -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (4/28/2008 2:32:33 PM)

Who has custody and who has visitation? If the dad only has visitation (and especially if it's not through the courts) be very careful. Even if you have dad's permission it may not be enough. In my state if the mom and dad were not married (like in this case) the dad has absolutly no rights if it isn't through court. My hubby was never married to the mom of his daughter and has not been able to pay a lawyer to get it to go through court. We have to walk on egg - shells constantly cuz she is very moody (i hate to day bipolar when its not medically proven). If the paintball place is across state lines be especially careful. When ever we take my dsd out of state we get a notorized not from the mom stating it's alright. If we don't we could get in big trouble for kidnapping if the mom changes her mind mid trip. Just something to think about.



mostofall -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (5/2/2008 1:22:09 PM)

I think what would be nice is for you to shift the focus of the situation from your sister in law to your nephew. I can't imagine what it must be like to be raised by a parent who behaves that way, but I doubt it's a lot of fun. If I'm putting myself in his shoes, I would think it would be nice for you and your husband to deal with his mother on her terms, if that's what is necessary to accomodate the situation so that your nephew can spend time with your family. My dad was a very unpleasant and difficult person to deal with, and my aunt (my mom's sister), who lived nearby, repeatedly bit her tongue and bent over backwards to accomodate his ridiculousness so that I would be able to spend time with her family. I will never forget those sacrifices that she made on my behalf. It isn't that huge of an imposition to have an extra kid spend the night, and as kids are generally pretty good at adjusting, I am sure your son would manage to deal with getting to know someone new. For your nephew's well-being, put your feelings about your sister in law aside - regardless of whether you are justified in how you feel - and make concessions for your nephew. This isn't about being right. It's about being kind, patient and loving. (For the fruit of the spirit is Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-Control. Galations 5: 16-25)



lightshineon -> RE: Sister In Law Over Reacting? (5/3/2008 8:13:14 PM)

This almost brought me to tears.
quote:

ORIGINAL: mostofall

I think what would be nice is for you to shift the focus of the situation from your sister in law to your nephew. I can't imagine what it must be like to be raised by a parent who behaves that way, but I doubt it's a lot of fun. If I'm putting myself in his shoes, I would think it would be nice for you and your husband to deal with his mother on her terms, if that's what is necessary to accomodate the situation so that your nephew can spend time with your family. My dad was a very unpleasant and difficult person to deal with, and my aunt (my mom's sister), who lived nearby, repeatedly bit her tongue and bent over backwards to accomodate his ridiculousness so that I would be able to spend time with her family. I will never forget those sacrifices that she made on my behalf. It isn't that huge of an imposition to have an extra kid spend the night, and as kids are generally pretty good at adjusting, I am sure your son would manage to deal with getting to know someone new. For your nephew's well-being, put your feelings about your sister in law aside - regardless of whether you are justified in how you feel - and make concessions for your nephew. This isn't about being right. It's about being kind, patient and loving. (For the fruit of the spirit is Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-Control. Galations 5: 16-25)



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