What is your parenting hill to die on? And what does that mean to you?

What is your parenting hill to die on? And what does that mean to you? (Full Version)

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[Poll]

I would seek pastoral counseling for child.

17% (9)

I would not allow minor child to remain in home.

0% (0)

I would not allow child over 18 to remain in home.

13% (7)

I would end contact and communication with minor child.

0% (0)

I would end contact and communication with child over 18.

0% (0)

I would re-evaluate the hill's "die worthiness"

21% (11)

The child would remain in home, but with VERY restrictive privileges.

13% (7)

I would allow minor child to remain in the home.

15% (8)

I would allow child over 18 to remain in the home.

7% (4)

Other (please be specific)

11% (6)

Total Votes : 52

(last vote on : 4/21/2008 11:41:56 AM)
(Poll will run till: -- )

Message

landabee -> What is your parenting hill to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 6:35:11 PM)
I got to thinking after reading another thread in this folder about ear piercing, and to a certain extent tattoing. And I wondered: What is your parenting "bridge to die on" and what does that really mean? Please feel free to include personal experience, perspectives and philosophies. Please do not feel free to engage in direct line fire postings. [;)] **MULTIPLE POLL SELECTIONS ALLOWED**

legalnicki -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 6:44:09 PM)
Not to sound dense, but what is a "parenting bridge" and why would I want to die on it?

karlie -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 6:46:07 PM)
Don't feel dense...I was going to ask the same thing [&:]

landabee -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 6:48:10 PM)
Check out the thread in this folder on allowing a child an ear piercing. That should clear things. I gotta dash out to take eldest to girlfriend's home........ but will explain more if needed when I return.

OLEEguacamole -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 6:50:04 PM)
something so important that you would fight for it/defend it even to death. death being a metaphor here most likely.

PrincessDonna -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 6:56:17 PM)
Totally depends on the issue and obviously, all issues are not the same. I voted... I would seek pastoral counseling for child...depending on what it was, or possibly a professional counselor. I would not allow child over 18 to remain in home...if it was a "hill to die on", and they were over 18, yes, they'd be out. I would re-evaluate the hill's "die worthiness"...of course...evaluation of this would be a case by case basis and I don't think there is a way to know many specific answers ahead of time. The child would remain in home, but with VERY restrictive privileges...yes, especially if it was a minor, and especially for certain behaviors (smoking, drugs, sex, etc.). I would allow minor child to remain in the home...probably, the one exception being if my other children were being put at risk by their behavior and an appropriate out of home placement was available. What hills am I willing to die on...smoking, drugs (including alcohol), sex. What hills am I willing to stand for until they are 18 and paying their own way in life...driving as a privilege not a right, no dating defined as being alone with the opposite sex, no permanent alterations of body without parental agreement (tattoos or piercings). What hills am I willing to re-evaluate...probably everything else. My parents were not willing to die on any hill with my younger brother. Today he is a 26 year old drug addict and dealer, living in their basement for nothing, coming and going as he pleases, taking no responsibility for himself or his 18 month old daughter, bringing home different disease infected "pieces of meat" every week.[:'(] There are things in life worth "dying" for, and I refuse to enable my children toward the kind of lifestyle my brother now lives. He wasn't always this way. It started small. Very small. It is because of what I have witnessed with my brother and also things that my husband and I did (separately and together) without a single parental figure telling us there was a firm line anywhere. Not happening in my house. Nor do I expect my kids will always choose what is right. I guess I don't know how that will all balance out just yet, but I do know the boundaries we have set and know that God has led us to set them where they are for our family. If He tells us to move them at some point, then we will.

manda59 -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 6:58:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: karlie Don't feel dense...I was going to ask the same thing [&:] hahahahah - I pm'd landabee the minute I saw the post, cos I didn't "get it", lol.

pbaribeault -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 7:00:28 PM)
I think it means to post what exactly you would absolutely not allow to occur in your home, and then choose from the poll what you would do if a child defied you and did it anyways. I not completely sure where to go with that with a 3 year old... I'll think and maybe post again later.

peculiar_lady2 -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 7:01:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PrincessDonna Totally depends on the issue and obviously, all issues are not the same. I voted... I would seek pastoral counseling for child...depending on what it was, or possibly a professional counselor. I would not allow child over 18 to remain in home...if it was a "hill to die on", and they were over 18, yes, they'd be out. I would re-evaluate the hill's "die worthiness"...of course...evaluation of this would be a case by case basis and I don't think there is a way to know many specific answers ahead of time. The child would remain in home, but with VERY restrictive privileges...yes, especially if it was a minor, and especially for certain behaviors (smoking, drugs, sex, etc.). I would allow minor child to remain in the home...probably, the one exception being if my other children were being put at risk by their behavior and an appropriate out of home placement was available. What hills am I willing to die on...smoking, drugs (including alcohol), sex. What hills am I willing to stand for until they are 18 and paying their own way in life...driving as a privilege not a right, no dating defined as being alone with the opposite sex, no permanent alterations of body without parental agreement (tattoos or piercings). What hills am I willing to re-evaluate...probably everything else. I don't want to have to retype everything again....so I will just "ditto" what Donna said.

landabee -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 7:03:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pbaribeault I think it means to post what exactly you would absolutely not allow to occur in your home, and then choose from the poll what you would do if a child defied you and did it anyways. I not completely sure where to go with that with a 3 year old... I'll think and maybe post again later. Exactly. Good explanation. [:)]

karlie -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 7:19:49 PM)
Drinking, smoking, and drugs would not be allowed in our home under any circumstances. Nor would bringing a guy home for overnight visits. Our oldest is married and on her own, but our youngest is still in college and lives at home part time. She knows she is more than welcome to stay at home until she is through college and on her feet. We love having her here. But she also knows that we would never, ever tolerate drinking, smoking, drug use, or premarital sex under our roof, and should she decide those things are for her, she will be finding a new place to live. Minors are different to me. I personally don't believe in asking a minor child to leave the home unless they are placing the other kids(or parents) at risk or have issues so deep that they can't be handled in the home. But for just general disrespect/rule breaking, no. We were more the type of parents that would have insisted a minor follow the rules even if we have to sit on them or babysit them 24/7 to ensure that! When they were teenagers, the big one was they weren't going to date as minors, nor would they go off loitering at night with friends(the smoking/drinking/drugs went without saying as minors). Those two issues were never pushed because they knew it would be a pointless venture. They were non-negotiable when they were teenagers at home.

Sunnymom -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 7:28:14 PM)
I don't know how to vote exactly. It would depend on what they did and why they did what they did. Sometimes kids do things out of rebellion, sometimes under peer pressure, or confusion over how to apply a principle to that situation.... I think we need to be merciful when our kids are foolish and make mistakes, and as parents we can discern their spirit and what they are going through, and minister to them. If they disobey 'on purpose', they would receive a very severe punishment/restriction, and we'd ask the pastor for counsel, because by that time there are more serious issues at stake. Also IMO, a rule is a rule- I don't re-negotiate any rule that has been established with supporting reasons and principles. I don't care if it is who takes out the trash- if they disobey ANY rule with a rebellious spirit, they will be dealt with accordingly. I don't see sin as color-coded, with blowing off curfew as a baby blue sin but having sex as The Scarlet Letter. The little rebellions lead to the big ones, so I plan to defend every parenting hill I create. And I ain't the one doin' the dyin', ladies and gentlemen. These kids will reap what they sow. On a side note, in the Bible, young people weren't considered 'adult' until 20. In America, they are legally on their own at 18, but if my kids 'need' me for a couple more years, they are going to be given every opportunity to receive help, but it will be within the boundaries my dh and I have set up in our home.

peculiar_lady2 -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 7:30:52 PM)
our house rules basically have no exceptions for any age on these things.... no drinking no illegal activity no smoking in our house or in our yard no dating (boy/girl situations where they are alone) no tattoos no piercings other then lobe earrings for girls...not for boys...no cartilage *no practicing other religions other then Christianity all of those for us are "cross's to die on"...any child of ours over the age of 18 not willing to follow those rules will not be allowed to live with us. We have at times had others living with us (my cousin for almost a year, and my nephew on and off for a few years when he was a teen). The basics were kept, except with my nephew...we referred him back to his mom and her rules on a few things. One thing was that we do not like tattoos... the reason he was living with us was because he came off drugs and alcohol and needed to get a clean start away from where his mom and dad lived. he had been clean and sober for a year when he turned 18, and wanted to get a tattoo for personal reasons of his own accomplishment in knowing how far he had come. We do not personally like them, nor would we allow them for our kids, but we referred him back to his mom on this one and she allowed it...so we let him have that. Another one we gave in a little bit on with him was smoking...he had come off of so much that he wasn't ready to quit smoking too yet...so we put restrictions on where he could smoke, he had to change when he came in and wash his hands, etc. I am highly allergic to cigarette smoke, so that's why that one was a major one for us. Also we refused to buy them for him (he was under 18)...he had to find a way to get them himself or give it up. He went back and forth on this one of beating himself up over not being able to quit, but we felt that it just wasn't God's timing yet...he had already put his body through so much with years of drugs and alcohol that he just wasn't ready yet. In the last year that he was with us he gained about 75lb and was getting back into good shape...then when he turned 18 and felt he could handle things better on his own he moved in with his brother and they now share a "bachelor pad". He lived with us for a few years before we went to Germany though (we were trying to adopt him so that he could go with us, but it never went through in time)...again to get out of the drugs and alcohol, and we were more strict on our rules then (he was much younger)...we were gone for three years and came back and he moved back in with us. At that time he was older, so we were much more lenient on some things like I described above....there were however still very strict restrictions on him just like we will put on our kids when they are older. It was a weird situation with him though because we referred a few things to his mother's decision out of respect for her being his mother.

shadowspring -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 8:01:12 PM)
Drugs would not be allowed in my home, but then again, if I found out my child was using drugs they would not be punished. They would receive treatment, along with the rest of the family. Yes, we would all go to counseling, twelve-steps, whatever. We would stand together as a family to bring healing to us all, as we would all be affected by it in some way. I wouldn't let them continue to use and live in my basement, because that is not love. But I would sure take the baby in, and I would never stop loving a child caught up in drugs, no matter their age. I would follow the advice of drug treatment professionals as to how to best show this love. Almost everything else can be worked out. If (when) my child partakes of any other kind of foolish behavior, there will always be consequences. But we will do our best to fit them as close to natural consequences as we can. If you don't get your schoolwork done because you were playing video games, you lose the video game for a day. If you didn't do dishes before bed, you have to get up early in the morning and do them. If you are late getting out the door and make people wait on you, you need to apologize and offer to make it up to them some way- clean the car, make lunch, something that blesses the people who had to wait. We don't ground our children. We home school, and they are home all the time anyway. Why punish myself if they do something wrong?[;)] We believe consequences should not only be relevant, but also quick- quickly dealt out and quickly over with. The longest any consequence has ever gone on is thirty days, and it was meted out very matter of fact and as if it was no big deal. We didn't use the long consequence time to shame our daughter on a daily basis for thirty days. Like our father in heaven, we believe we are called to forgive our children when they repent. This means we are called to give them new opportunity to succeed and trust them that they will not repeat the same foolishness again. And if they do, we are again called to forgive our children when they repent. And we are called to give them new opportunity to succeed and trust them that they will not repeat the same foolishness again. [:D] As you might have guessed, we are very mindful of the 70 X 7 rule. So even if they fail in the same way more than once, and again repent, we do not lose faith in them or refuse to forgive them. The Lord knows I fail the same way more on numerous occasions, and since I am in desperate need of his mercy, I cannot refuse it to others. There are some parents who think it "realistic" to hold grudges against their children, especially teens. They make foolish edicts against their teens, like "if you EVER do that again..." even over simple errors like being late for school or not doing their chores right away. Of course your children will sin in the same ways over and over, just like you do every day, Mom and Dad! Honestly, I do not understand how so many parents of teens get so self-righteous with their young adults. Like chain-smoking parents who freak when they find out their son has been smoking. Or parents who freak out over their child missing the bus, but then think nothing of it when they are late getting home from work. We all seem to be blind to our own sin, but the story Jesus told about the mote and the beam was meant for parents too! We will never reject our children, nor put "serious restrictions" on them as a condition for living in their home. We will never reject them because our Father will never reject us. We will never put "serious restrictions" on them because I don't think "serious restrictions" work. Faith, hope and love, that is what works. Love never fails. If I err (and no doubt I will) I would rather err on the side of love. As the Newsboys sang once, "Don't want to spend this life bitter and tainted..."

legalnicki -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 8:19:02 PM)
I guess the battles that we'd choose to fight are those involving sex, drugs, alcohol, violence, and smoking. These issues would likekly warrant getting kicked out of the house/loss of financial support after the age of 18. I can't imagine a situation that would warrant kicking out a minor (aside from juvenile detention or rehab). All issues would warrant individual evaluation, and depend on the severity and my kids' level of repentence v. rebellion, so I really can't go clicking buttons in the poll.

2shaye -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 9:01:21 PM)
I answered as if my "hill to die on" was drugs. We'd go for pastoral counseling, the child would go for counseling and perhaps even a "program". If the child was a minor and had a very bad drug problem (which would likely include stealing, drinking and sex), then we would kick them out (after lot's of discussion and making sure they understood what was coming). Over 18, absolutely out! Now, after reading all the other replies, I've thought of other things. When my son was 20, we doubled his rent (he was not in school). He had a temper tantrum like he used to have when he was two - no joke! Dh and I just looked at him, looked at each other and said, "wow". He got over it and decided to stay and pay rent and abide by our house rules. Now he is engaged and his fiance lives about 1.5 hours away. They see each other on weekends, but she is not allowed to sleep over here (my dd has a trundle, so technically, we have room). Ds threw a fit over that one too, but again decided that he'd rather abide by our rules then move out. Dh has problems with alcohol. Ds knows that there is not to be any alcohol in the house. He has, in the past, asked if he could "store" some wine in the garage frig and I said no. He asked a few weeks ago if I would be offended if he and his finace had a glass of wine while we were all at my moms. I told him that I was uncomfortable with that and they didn't have any (mom had wine). I have no idea what we will face with our daughter. All we can do is pray every day for wisdom and discernment to train her up in the way SHE should go. I know we've got some bumpy years ahead!

landabee -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 9:40:51 PM)
Shadowspring, I enjoyed reading your perspective and how you put to practice consequences. I particularly am impressed by the grace that you extend while setting boundaries.

landabee -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 9:43:02 PM)
2Shaye, great post. [:)]

landabee -> RE: What is your parenting hill to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 9:56:43 PM)
quote: Also IMO, a rule is a rule- I don't re-negotiate any rule that has been established with supporting reasons and principles. I don't care if it is who takes out the trash- if they disobey ANY rule with a rebellious spirit, they will be dealt with accordingly. I don't see sin as color-coded, with blowing off curfew as a baby blue sin but having sex as The Scarlet Letter. The little rebellions lead to the big ones, so I plan to defend every parenting hill I create. And I ain't the one doin' the dyin', ladies and gentlemen. These kids will reap what they sow. I also do not rank sin. I agree with you on that for sure. I have however, renegotiated those issues that were rules, but not sin issue. It hasn't happened often, but it has happened. Boy, that was wrenching. It required much soul seeking, prayer and at times fasting. God's assignment to me to parent my oldest child has done a good work in me. LOL And it wasn't all fun times for sure. But... I must say that my kids are grounded in the faith, yet are allowed some wiggle room in issues that are matters of preference and not sin. The much bigger issue in my home is communication. I would rather a rational discussion (s) with possible flexibility than a shut down of communication and creating a possible weak area for peer pressure to wreak havoc. I don't want my kids to say that I would not even talk about a rule and it's enforcement. I've tried not to give my kids a reason to sneak away to break rules. And I think that has been mostly successful, even while establishing boundaries and rules for us. When it hasn't been, we have had to shore up the banks on our communication and there have been consequences to disobedience. Some quite "attention getting", if you know what I mean. [8D] Sunnymom also pointed out that the kids will reap what they so. I agree with that definitely as well. Part of my parenting is to love them through, while letting them experience the consequences of their choices. Sometimes what isn't sin, isn't necessarily good for you. And sometimes... it is simply a preference: and the world doesn't come to an end. LOL[:D] And as someone said a bit earlier: It is a bumpy ride. [;)]

peculiar_lady2 -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/19/2008 10:44:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shadowspring Drugs would not be allowed in my home, but then again, if I found out my child was using drugs they would not be punished. They would receive treatment, along with the rest of the family. Yes, we would all go to counseling, twelve-steps, whatever. We would stand together as a family to bring healing to us all, as we would all be affected by it in some way. I wouldn't let them continue to use and live in my basement, because that is not love. But I would sure take the baby in, and I would never stop loving a child caught up in drugs, no matter their age. I would follow the advice of drug treatment professionals as to how to best show this love. Almost everything else can be worked out. If (when) my child partakes of any other kind of foolish behavior, there will always be consequences. But we will do our best to fit them as close to natural consequences as we can. If you don't get your schoolwork done because you were playing video games, you lose the video game for a day. If you didn't do dishes before bed, you have to get up early in the morning and do them. If you are late getting out the door and make people wait on you, you need to apologize and offer to make it up to them some way- clean the car, make lunch, something that blesses the people who had to wait. We don't ground our children. We home school, and they are home all the time anyway. Why punish myself if they do something wrong?[;)] We believe consequences should not only be relevant, but also quick- quickly dealt out and quickly over with. The longest any consequence has ever gone on is thirty days, and it was meted out very matter of fact and as if it was no big deal. We didn't use the long consequence time to shame our daughter on a daily basis for thirty days. Like our father in heaven, we believe we are called to forgive our children when they repent. This means we are called to give them new opportunity to succeed and trust them that they will not repeat the same foolishness again. And if they do, we are again called to forgive our children when they repent. And we are called to give them new opportunity to succeed and trust them that they will not repeat the same foolishness again. [:D] As you might have guessed, we are very mindful of the 70 X 7 rule. So even if they fail in the same way more than once, and again repent, we do not lose faith in them or refuse to forgive them. The Lord knows I fail the same way more on numerous occasions, and since I am in desperate need of his mercy, I cannot refuse it to others. There are some parents who think it "realistic" to hold grudges against their children, especially teens. They make foolish edicts against their teens, like "if you EVER do that again..." even over simple errors like being late for school or not doing their chores right away. Of course your children will sin in the same ways over and over, just like you do every day, Mom and Dad! Honestly, I do not understand how so many parents of teens get so self-righteous with their young adults. Like chain-smoking parents who freak when they find out their son has been smoking. Or parents who freak out over their child missing the bus, but then think nothing of it when they are late getting home from work. We all seem to be blind to our own sin, but the story Jesus told about the mote and the beam was meant for parents too! We will never reject our children, nor put "serious restrictions" on them as a condition for living in their home. We will never reject them because our Father will never reject us. We will never put "serious restrictions" on them because I don't think "serious restrictions" work. Faith, hope and love, that is what works. Love never fails. If I err (and no doubt I will) I would rather err on the side of love. As the Newsboys sang once, "Don't want to spend this life bitter and tainted..." EXCELLENT POST!!!! I would star you if I could star!!!! as far as house chores...we reevaluate those all the time...if it isn't working, then we try to redo it til it does work. At our kids ages (8, 7, 3, and not quite 2 yet) we are still trying to find where they can clean best and still trying to stretch them into what they are growing into...so we change chores up all the time with abilities. I don't consider chores to be a "rules" issue....well, unless you count "If you live here you will do chores". I completely agree though about the part with expecting more out of kids then we ourselves are willing to give....I mean, it's true...I have seen parents freak out over missing the bus when they themselves can't get to the church pew every week on time!!!! I don't count that in the "rules" category either though...that to me is just common decency that you treat others how you want to be treated, and you put them first in your thinking. I mean....not to the point of abusing yourself, cause I have seen that taken too far too, but you know...in an appropriate way. One of the things iin our house that we are about to make a "rule" is food....we aren't that picky with our kids and we choose to not make food a battle. Our kids eat a well balanced diet, but sometimes they are more hungry then other times....sometimes they just simply are hungry when it isn't a designated "meal time". We found some opened food packages in the kitchen last night when we were cleaning up, so we are having to talk to our oldest two about that we don't mind them eating, but they still need to come to us first because some food may be for specific purposes or meals. It's the "snkeaing" food though that we want to do away with....we will let them eat, and teach them what to eat if they truly are hungry and need to eat....but we don't want them feeling like they should have to sneak food..that can lead to some major food issues!!!

relady -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/20/2008 11:01:07 AM)
quote: I would rather a rational discussion (s) with possible flexibility than a shut down of communication and creating a possible weak area for peer pressure to wreak havoc. I don't want my kids to say that I would not even talk about a rule and it's enforcement. I've tried not to give my kids a reason to sneak away to break rules. And I think that has been mostly successful, even while establishing boundaries and rules for us. When it hasn't been, we have had to shore up the banks on our communication and there have been consequences to disobedience. Some quite "attention getting", if you know what I mean. This is pretty much my parenting style in a nutshell. Which, of course, came out of my experience of being in a family where the "communication" was all "top down". Being the independent sort, you can imagine I didn't do well under a regime like that and I rebelled. Was I wrong? Probably, but I was 16 and a child. Did my parents contribute? Most certainly, and they were old enough to know better. I decided very early in life that I did not want to parent that way. And what I also learned as a parent is that IF you want your kids to communicate WITH you, you have to be prepared from time to time to hear things you don't agree with without judging and punishing. Is it hard? Oh, yes, sometimes. Because there will be times that no matter how little reason you have given for them to break a rule.....they will, LOL! It is the nature of children to push boundaries, no matter where they are set. But I have an adult son who still confides in me and respects and covets my input most of the time. He's very responsible, has a great job and is going to school FT and getting his own funding for doing so. So, I feel I did ok, all things considered.

landabee -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/20/2008 12:21:45 PM)
quote: We found some opened food packages in the kitchen last night when we were cleaning up, so we are having to talk to our oldest two about that we don't mind them eating, but they still need to come to us first because some food may be for specific purposes or meals. It's the "snkeaing" food though that we want to do away with....we will let them eat, and teach them what to eat if they truly are hungry and need to eat....but we don't want them feeling like they should have to sneak food..that can lead to some major food issues!!! Prior to 2002, our little family was quite poor. So, the kids never really had snacks. It was a rule, and a necessity. But the Lord blessed us and that changed. LOL........ having two teen boys, I have dealt with this issue. However, instead requiring the boys to come to me every time...... I initiated a system. I have two sets of storage containers. Leftovers meant for another designated purpose go in the ones with the clear top and gray rubber ring. All other leftovers go into re-used margarine containers and re-used mashed potato containers. The second group is for snacking. For stored (unopened) foods: One cupboard is the meal cupboard. The other is the snack cupboard. They may partake as much as desired from the snack cupboard. Both sons cook, so the snack cupboard is stocked also with some food staples. Same idea for fridge: One crisper drawere is for meal purposes........ the other for them as they desire. I don't want to play gatekeeper with my teens. I want them to feel more free in the kitchen. I think we started this method when they were 9 and 10. Prior to then, it wasn't an issue. But for younger kids... the system would have been tweaked slightly. My girlfriend has a "snack drawer" in the kitchen for the kids and uses a fruit bowl and one drawer for refrigerated snacks, too. Her kids are 5 and 7. They do have to ask if "They can go get a snack" Because she wants them ready for family meals. All in all, our family was blessed to move from the no snacks rule to guided snacking with independence.

shadowspring -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/20/2008 2:15:27 PM)
[sm=icon_smile_blush.gif] Thanks, landabee and peculiar. I totally agree with the food and the sneaking, but I am not as organized as landabee! I have certain foods that don't require permission- apples, milk, yogurt, ramen, PB sandwiches. Everything else you should ask fist, like peculiar wrote, because that might be for a designated purpose. The neighbor kids can also have apples without asking. We go through a LOT of apples! I think we buy at least two bags of apples from Sam's Club every week. [:D]

peculiar_lady2 -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/20/2008 2:39:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: landabee quote: We found some opened food packages in the kitchen last night when we were cleaning up, so we are having to talk to our oldest two about that we don't mind them eating, but they still need to come to us first because some food may be for specific purposes or meals. It's the "snkeaing" food though that we want to do away with....we will let them eat, and teach them what to eat if they truly are hungry and need to eat....but we don't want them feeling like they should have to sneak food..that can lead to some major food issues!!! Prior to 2002, our little family was quite poor. So, the kids never really had snacks. It was a rule, and a necessity. But the Lord blessed us and that changed. LOL........ having two teen boys, I have dealt with this issue. However, instead requiring the boys to come to me every time...... I initiated a system. I have two sets of storage containers. Leftovers meant for another designated purpose go in the ones with the clear top and gray rubber ring. All other leftovers go into re-used margarine containers and re-used mashed potato containers. The second group is for snacking. For stored (unopened) foods: One cupboard is the meal cupboard. The other is the snack cupboard. They may partake as much as desired from the snack cupboard. Both sons cook, so the snack cupboard is stocked also with some food staples. Same idea for fridge: One crisper drawere is for meal purposes........ the other for them as they desire. I don't want to play gatekeeper with my teens. I want them to feel more free in the kitchen. I think we started this method when they were 9 and 10. Prior to then, it wasn't an issue. But for younger kids... the system would have been tweaked slightly. My girlfriend has a "snack drawer" in the kitchen for the kids and uses a fruit bowl and one drawer for refrigerated snacks, too. Her kids are 5 and 7. They do have to ask if "They can go get a snack" Because she wants them ready for family meals. All in all, our family was blessed to move from the no snacks rule to guided snacking with independence. yeah eventually we will probably work up to something like that, but at this time our kids a)don't cook...b) are too young to not ask for permission because they don't get "portion control" yet... c) our daughter is allergic to corn syrup and reacts to things like sugar in things (even natural sugar sometimes) so we have to keep an eye on what she eats and when)...d) we do not have the room required for such a system (we have a small pantry with limited space and our refrigerator is very very small...we need to replace it but haven't had the money to do so yet. the biggest reason though is B....they really aren't yet old enough to understand how much they need to fix of whatever "snack" or leftover item for themselves. We are working on that one with them now....so maybe within a few years. Thanks for the ideas though...I will keep those in mind when we get to that point.

faroukfarouk -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 9:27:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: peculiar_lady2 The basics were kept, except with my nephew...we referred him back to his mom and her rules on a few things. One thing was that we do not like tattoos... the reason he was living with us was because he came off drugs and alcohol and needed to get a clean start away from where his mom and dad lived. he had been clean and sober for a year when he turned 18, and wanted to get a tattoo for personal reasons of his own accomplishment in knowing how far he had come. We do not personally like them, nor would we allow them for our kids, but we referred him back to his mom on this one and she allowed it...so we let him have that. I guess for the over-18s, especially if he or she isn't one's own kid (I say kid, but they are supposed to count as adults at 18), it's hard to prevent them getting a tattoo, if that's what they've been planning and pay for themselves. You know, a lot of 18 year olds have as a sort of rite of passage their first visit to the tattoo parlor for their 18th b-day: not saying I agree with it, but it's out there. Some youngsters want to 'make a differnce' and even get some ink that is faith related. Again, I guess we may think there are better ways to express one's faith, but then at 18 they are supposed to be adults. Take care and God bless.

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