RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you?

RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (Full Version)

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[Poll]

What is your parenting hill to die on? And what does that mean to you?

I would seek pastoral counseling for child.

17% (9)

I would not allow minor child to remain in home.

0% (0)

I would not allow child over 18 to remain in home.

13% (7)

I would end contact and communication with minor child.

0% (0)

I would end contact and communication with child over 18.

0% (0)

I would re-evaluate the hill's "die worthiness"

21% (11)

The child would remain in home, but with VERY restrictive privileges.

13% (7)

I would allow minor child to remain in the home.

15% (8)

I would allow child over 18 to remain in the home.

7% (4)

Other (please be specific)

11% (6)

Total Votes : 52

(last vote on : 4/21/2008 11:41:56 AM)
(Poll will run till: -- )

Message

PrincessDonna -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 9:33:32 AM)
There's 18 and then there's adult. I don't believe an 18, 19, or 20 year old living at home and letting Mom and Dad pay all the bills is truly an adult, and would not be treated as such in my home. I also don't believe we would allow a child over 19 or so to remain living in our home and not contributing financially, unless of course, they were in school. I would be a bit more lenient with tattoos and piercings at that age, however, than I would be as a legal minor. I would still want to be consulted in the decision if the child was still living at home though, and would still offer input on a case by case basis. That's why that topic is not included in my "hill to die on" list.

Memaw. -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 10:16:26 AM)
I read this yesterday and have been thinking about the "bridge to die on". For me it would be homosexuality. I have already made it through (with MUCH prayer) the drug use, alcohol, smoking cigarettes, premarital sex, piercings, tattoos, curfew violations, and many others that escape my mind right now, but that would be the one that I would never accept or tolerate.

relady -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 10:45:57 AM)
quote: but that would be the one that I would never accept or tolerate. Do you mean just having a child that says they are homosexual or one that lives an active lifestyle? And what would you do, exactly, do you think?

Memaw. -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 11:04:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: relady quote: but that would be the one that I would never accept or tolerate. Do you mean just having a child that says they are homosexual or one that lives an active lifestyle? And what would you do, exactly, do you think? Good questions. I would never ever disown any of my children, for any reason. They will always be loved and accepted in our home. To answer your first question, One that lives an active homosexual lifestyle. I could not welcome their "partner" in our home, I could not accept this as their "life choice". There would be much prayer over a situation like this and if the child was underage, counseling would be required. I understand that many people struggle with this particular sin and struggling with it (fighting against it) and partaking in it (living the lifestyle) are two different things.

Leslie_JnJs_mom -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 12:57:50 PM)
Having a teenager that is almost 16 I have thuoght about this myself. Thanks to the grace of God I have a really good boy. He is fairly easy to raise. I have talked to him about living at home longer then 18. I actually wish him to remain home for a little longer and slowly venture out. I do not think that just becuase a kid hits 18 then htey are suddenly ready for the adult world. He plans on attending a trade school close to home so I told him how it was in his best intrest to live at home while going to school. He is torn becuase on one hand he wants to have a place of his own where he can come and go as he pleases yet he is also unsure if he can work full time to support himself plus go to school full time. He struggle with school work so that is a valid concern for him.

Ellie-Mae -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 2:40:52 PM)
I haven't answered the poll yet. I really hate the sayings about bridges or hills to die on when it comes to my kids. It really has an adversarial fee to them to me. I would rather not think of my kids as adversaries to do battle with. My eldest is only 12 and we live harmoniously when it comes down to it. Not that they are perfect, far from it, but they aren't rebellious. they know that they can talk to me. They also know that not everything that we don't allow are not allowed because they are immoral. We tell them that. We are honest about it. Some times it is like many TV cartoons... some aren't allowed simply because they already have more than enough shows to choose from. They don't need more shows vying for their attention. They also know that when they have their own home that they can do those things, and we are not going to look down on them for it. As for those extra TV cartoons, if they watch them we won't care once they are grown. We might make sure that they are conscious of the time that they spend watching them though. It is hard to say what would be a deal breaker for staying in our home. I don't think that it would be anyone thing. We all have lapses in judgement and do stupid things, but I would be looking at their character overall and be watching to see how it is affecting the other kids. Furthermore... When we "punish" a child it is with the intent on bringing them back to where they should be. If I were to kick a "child" out it would be in the hopes that in doing so that they can grow and come back to having a close relationship with us again. Whenever we put restrictions or whatever on our kids it is to help reign them back in... not to make them feel so bad that they wish they had never done such and such.

faroukfarouk -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 3:38:08 PM)
quote: There's 18 and then there's adult. I don't believe an 18, 19, or 20 year old living at home and letting Mom and Dad pay all the bills is truly an adult, and would not be treated as such in my home. That's understandable. quote: I also don't believe we would allow a child over 19 or so to remain living in our home and not contributing financially, unless of course, they were in school. Understandable also. quote: I would be a bit more lenient with tattoos and piercings at that age, however, than I would be as a legal minor. I would still want to be consulted in the decision if the child was still living at home though, and would still offer input on a case by case basis. That's why that topic is not included in my "hill to die on" list. [/color] Again, understandable. But remember also that the idea of getting tattooed under the age of 18 is usually not realistic anyway because most tattooists refuse to do it to the under 18s. The ID card with the d.o.b more than 18 years ago does change a lot (though not everything, you are right to say). Take care.

landabee -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 4:16:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ellie-Mae I haven't answered the poll yet. I really hate the sayings about bridges or hills to die on when it comes to my kids. It really has an adversarial fee to them to me. I would rather not think of my kids as adversaries to do battle with. My eldest is only 12 and we live harmoniously when it comes down to it. Not that they are perfect, far from it, but they aren't rebellious. they know that they can talk to me. They also know that not everything that we don't allow are not allowed because they are immoral. We tell them that. We are honest about it. Some times it is like many TV cartoons... some aren't allowed simply because they already have more than enough shows to choose from. They don't need more shows vying for their attention. They also know that when they have their own home that they can do those things, and we are not going to look down on them for it. As for those extra TV cartoons, if they watch them we won't care once they are grown. We might make sure that they are conscious of the time that they spend watching them though. It is hard to say what would be a deal breaker for staying in our home. I don't think that it would be anyone thing. We all have lapses in judgement and do stupid things, but I would be looking at their character overall and be watching to see how it is affecting the other kids. Furthermore... When we "punish" a child it is with the intent on bringing them back to where they should be. If I were to kick a "child" out it would be in the hopes that in doing so that they can grow and come back to having a close relationship with us again. Whenever we put restrictions or whatever on our kids it is to help reign them back in... not to make them feel so bad that they wish they had never done such and such. I've actually been waiting for a response similar to this since starting the thread. It gets to the heart of WHY I started the thread. I didn't necessarily think that everyone (parents here) had a standard formula or response for difficult parenting issues that can/may arise. I just REALLY wanted folks to think (make that Pre-think) how seriously to take some issues... or not... or to take more seriously, and therefore how to deal with them. I too, have been guilty of saying "xyz" was a parenting hill to die upon. But I have been challenged to pray and really consider what my response in that stressful time would look like. It was much easier to know that I would not approve, encourage or allow certain behaviours...... than to actually and proactively pray and search the scriptures for how the relationship with the child and family would look in the face of the trial. It was much easier to know that I was "against" something than to identify EXACTLY how I'd deal with it. So, this thread is a challenge to get us (inclusive us) thinking and praying about those issues that we deem "rigid" and "boundaries". In no way was I hinting that boundaries were bad.... or incorrect. Just that they are (and must be) different for each family, and consequently the handling of them. [;)] Therefore, I have no bridges... if I'm honest. I have only those things that will necessitate action. I must pray and study to be ready. quote: I would rather not think of my kids as adversaries to do battle with. I have been through some deeply trying, painful times with my eldest. And the battle I did was spiritual. I haven't always liked the behavior... but I have always loved him through, as it sounds like all those here would. But I did throw down the gauntlet and utilize some of the measures in the poll. In fact, one year.... I yanked him out of public school and placed him in a private military school... It got his attention. (temporarily.... but I digress. LOL [;)]) But it worked in conjunction with other behavior modifications and restrictions. Those that know us IRL are rejoicing with our family that he just completed high school and has registered for college. That is God!

PrincessDonna -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 4:31:32 PM)
quote: It was much easier to know that I was "against" something than to identify EXACTLY how I'd deal with it. Of course it was! It's nearly impossible for any of us to say exactly what we would do in a situation until we are there. I think it is good to have a small list of things we absolutely would not put up with though, and then you come up with the consequences as they fit the situation. Sidenote...Lisa, you surprised me. Only because I know you are MORE strict than we are! I totally agree with you on getting to the heart issue though and maintaining relationship, if possible. That would always be the goal for us too, no matter which hill our kid chose to challenge us.

landabee -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 4:36:41 PM)
quote: Of course it was! It's nearly impossible for any of us to say exactly what we would do in a situation until we are there. I think it is good to have a small list of things we absolutely would not put up with though, and then you come up with the consequences as they fit the situation. I don't think I'm being clear enough...... Ugh! I hate when I cannot seem to find the right words. [&:] What I'm saying is: I had to think about how drastic an action I would be willing to make for some issues. Granted, we do have to respond as each situation warrants. That is a bit of a given. But I, like many parents (I suspect) never really gave thought of about when push comes to shove: how far we would actually go to get through to our children and what that may look like. [:)] I have a better idea of that now. I guess that is what I'm saying. Not just:"Not in my house... or over my dead body..." KWIM?

PrincessDonna -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 4:39:46 PM)
quote: But I, like many parents (I suspect) never really gave thought of about when push comes to shove: how far we would actually go to get through to our children and what that may look like. I understand what you're saying. I think the deciding in the moment exactly what you will do is normal though. We can't possibly think of all the itty bitty details of a situation before it happens. You can still have that "not in my house" list, but when something on that list comes up...you have to decide based on THAT situation how you will deal with it. Am I making sense?[8D] BTW, [sm=thumbsup.gif][sm=thumbsup.gif] for you, especially as a single mom, for doing whatever it was your boy(s) needed. And congrats on the upcoming graduation!!![:D]

landabee -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 4:43:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PrincessDonna quote: But I, like many parents (I suspect) never really gave thought of about when push comes to shove: how far we would actually go to get through to our children and what that may look like. I understand what you're saying. I think the deciding in the moment exactly what you will do is normal though. We can't possibly think of all the itty bitty details of a situation before it happens. You can still have that "not in my house" list, but when something on that list comes up...you have to decide based on THAT situation how you will deal with it. Am I making sense?[8D] BTW, [sm=thumbsup.gif][sm=thumbsup.gif] for you, especially as a single mom, for doing whatever it was your boy(s) needed. And congrats on the upcoming graduation!!![:D] Yeah..... you are making sense. [:)] And thank you for the congratulations. [:)]

Tinkerbell_ -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 4:53:19 PM)
I saw this thread and thought long and hard about it. I'm a single mum with two boys. They're both pretty good boys but occasionally they do like to test the waters. I cannot think of anything in particular that would aboslutely cause me to lay the law down hard and heavy. I don't oppose piercings and tattoos at an older age, I have no problems with certain types of medias, and I don't shelter them from everything 'evil' in the world. I guess what would do it for me would be something that they did once, (come in drunk, drugs) and didn't learn from the first time and repeated it. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has moments where their judgment lapses. That's understandable and while I would be completely disapproving of it, they would have plenty of discussion about it. My girlfriend had a wonderful thing happen to her when we were in college. She came into her parents drunk after being out all night. Two days later her father loaded her in the car and without a word took her to the nearest hospital. They visited the morgue area where she was shown victims of drunk driving. Mind you the sight was quite horrifying to her and she sobbed the whole way home. That night her parents came to her room and basically told her they didn't want her to look like that. Ever. She didn't stop drinking but she was definitely more safe about it. Always had a designated driver, always made sure her friends did, and if none were available she did it herself. She even helped start a campus designated driver program. As long as my children are willing to learn from their mistakes, and are willing to admit they were wrong I honestly don't see anything that would cause me to turn them away. Although, I say this now when they're 11 and 8. Ask me in 10 years if I change my mind. [;)]

shadowspring -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 5:07:19 PM)
quote: When we "punish" a child it is with the intent on bringing them back to where they should be. If I were to kick a "child" out it would be in the hopes that in doing so that they can grow and come back to having a close relationship with us again. Whenever we put restrictions or whatever on our kids it is to help reign them back in... not to make them feel so bad that they wish they had never done such and such. I love that statement! Well put.

Mrs.Wifey -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 5:27:11 PM)
quote: We will never reject our children, nor put "serious restrictions" on them as a condition for living in their home. We will never reject them because our Father will never reject us. We will never put "serious restrictions" on them because I don't think "serious restrictions" work. Faith, hope and love, that is what works. Love never fails. If I err (and no doubt I will) I would rather err on the side of love. As the Newsboys sang once, "Don't want to spend this life bitter and tainted..." This. Exactly. quote: I've tried not to give my kids a reason to sneak away to break rules. And I think that has been mostly successful, even while establishing boundaries and rules for us. And this. After the last thread we had a rather long conversation about this with my BIL and His wife. BIL(Micah's brother) was kicked out of his home at 17 for smoking cigarettes and has since ceased to have much of a relationship with my IL's[:(] We pretty much came to the conclusion that our rules will look something like this- 1) No one on one dates with the opposite sex, with the exception of a few occasions. 2) No smoking until your of age, and then it can be done in the yard but not in the house. 3) No drugs. 4) Piercings other then the ears must be ok'ed by us. 5) Tattoos are permissible after the age of 16 as long as they are in a place where they can be covered by clothing. 6) If you aren't sure then ask before you act[;)] 7) You will not be forced to attend church but if you choose not to you must have a well thought out, clear reason why you will not attend or do not believe in God. As for what we are willing to die over, I can't say there is much of anything that I would be willing to sacrifice my relationship with my children over... Even premarital sex or drugs. I would much rather help them get the help/treatment/guidance that they need then to kick them out of our home or alienate them. I have seen far to much of that in my life already and I don't think that alienating our children would result in them coming back to Christ. Obviously each situation would have to be dealt with on a case by case basis...

faroukfarouk -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 5:32:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mrs.Wifey quote: We will never reject our children, nor put "serious restrictions" on them as a condition for living in their home. We will never reject them because our Father will never reject us. We will never put "serious restrictions" on them because I don't think "serious restrictions" work. Faith, hope and love, that is what works. Love never fails. If I err (and no doubt I will) I would rather err on the side of love. As the Newsboys sang once, "Don't want to spend this life bitter and tainted..." This. Exactly. quote: I've tried not to give my kids a reason to sneak away to break rules. And I think that has been mostly successful, even while establishing boundaries and rules for us. And this. After the last thread we had a rather long conversation about this with my BIL and His wife. BIL(Micah's brother) was kicked out of his home at 17 for smoking cigarettes and has since ceased to have much of a relationship with my IL's[:(] We pretty much came to the conclusion that our rules will look something like this- 1) No one on one dates with the opposite sex, with the exception of a few occasions. 2) No smoking until your of age, and then it can be done in the yard but not in the house. 3) No drugs. 4) Piercings other then the ears must be ok'ed by us. 5) Tattoos are permissible after the age of 16 as long as they are in a place where they can be covered by clothing. 6) If you aren't sure then ask before you act[;)] 7) You will not be forced to attend church but if you choose not to you must have a well thought out, clear reason why you will not attend or do not believe in God. As for what we are willing to die over, I can't say there is much of anything that I would be willing to sacrifice my relationship with my children over... Even premarital sex or drugs. I would much rather help them get the help/treatment/guidance that they need then to kick them out of our home or alienate them. I have seen far to much of that in my life already and I don't think that alienating our children would result in them coming back to Christ. Obviously each situation would have to be dealt with on a case by case basis... Interesting post. BTW, do the tattooists in your area ink ppl who are 16? I appreciate you were talking about what you would allow at 16 but I guess if the tattooists won't do it under 18, then it's a bit of a moot point. Re. piercings, often for even simple, popular ear piercings, the piercer will ask for parental signature for under 18s. Nice post anyway.

Mrs.Wifey -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 6:21:43 PM)
quote: BTW, do the tattooists in your area ink ppl who are 16? I appreciate you were talking about what you would allow at 16 but I guess if the tattooists won't do it under 18, then it's a bit of a moot point. Re. piercings, often for even simple, popular ear piercings, the piercer will ask for parental signature for under 18s. You can get inked under 18 if you have parental consent. As for piercings, I am well aware of the laws but I also know what a teen and a safety pin can accomplish[;)] I pierced my own cartilage with one.

faroukfarouk -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 6:29:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mrs.Wifey quote: BTW, do the tattooists in your area ink ppl who are 16? I appreciate you were talking about what you would allow at 16 but I guess if the tattooists won't do it under 18, then it's a bit of a moot point. Re. piercings, often for even simple, popular ear piercings, the piercer will ask for parental signature for under 18s. You can get inked under 18 if you have parental consent. As for piercings, I am well aware of the laws but I also know what a teen and a safety pin can accomplish[;)] I pierced my own cartilage with one. Thnx. Interesting; I guess parlors differ from one place to another as to what their policies are, anwyay. And I guess as well that the difference in policy from one area to another might correlate to families living in different areas having differing no-nos or customs deemed acceptable. Take care, and thanks for the response.

Ellie-Mae -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 7:01:10 PM)
quote: Sidenote...Lisa, you surprised me. Only because I know you are MORE strict than we are! I totally agree with you on getting to the heart issue though and maintaining relationship, if possible. That would always be the goal for us too, no matter which hill our kid chose to challenge us. LOL! Maybe we are more strict, but it hasn't put us at odds with the kids. We must just be better at brainwashing.[8D] Seriously though, I have found a way to be mellow and still maintain high (compared to some) standards for our kids. My main tool is to head off problems before they are problems. That involves a lot of conversations and closeness with the kids. It is a lot of work, but it has been so worth it. It helps keep us on the same page and headed toward the same goals. They are allowed to question me (respectfully) about what I ask of them, and I can show them how it helps us to reach all of our goals. I have seen how well this has worked with my brother when everyone is on the same page and everything is laid out. I am hoping that it will be even easier with my own kids because this is the way they have been brought up. This doesn't mean that everything is perfect. we are really struggling to keep them on task with daily routine type stuff. But guess what? That has always been an issue for me so we are learning together. I have one child that struggles with pride and another that struggles with impulsiveness. We are trying to keep the struggle as a struggle to reach a goal and not as a struggle with us. I want to work with them for a common goal. It is my hope that we can keep it that way.

landabee -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/21/2008 7:14:13 PM)
quote: We are trying to keep the struggle as a struggle to reach a goal and not as a struggle with us. I want to work with them for a common goal. It is my hope that we can keep it that way. LOVE this!

lexie -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/22/2008 2:50:24 PM)
My bridge to die on - dreadlocks. Seriously. I mentioned it in the other thread. In the culture we are raising our children, dreadlocks have a certain religious affiliation that we will not have our children affiliated with, even if it is just the outward symbol. Anyone in our house who begins growing dreadlocks will have them shaved off in the middle of the night. They will not be able to convince us otherwise. As for house rules, since our daughter is almost 1.5 we haven't really decided yet. What I do know now is: -no smoking. Even if they are of age not in or near my house. -no drugs. -no alcohol consumption outside of the house until they are 19, no excessive consumption of alcohol inside the house before 19 (they are permitted to drink small amounts with us before 19). -if you fall asleep in my house on a Saturday night, you will be at church on Sunday morning. These aren't things I wouldn't kick my children out of the house for, but there would be restriction of priveleges. As for dating, we haven't decided yet. I'm waiting to see how mature enough our children will be. Dating and curfews in our house were different between my sister and I. We always had an open relationship with our mother. My sister's dating and curfews were restricted because she announced at the age of 16 that she wanted to be put on birth control. That wasn't an issue with me as a teen, so I didn't have as many restrictions as my sister. I won't give my children complete freedom like I had, but I'll wait a bit before I put my foot down on the dating issue.

shadowspring -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/22/2008 5:17:15 PM)
quote: since our daughter is almost 1.5...but I'll wait a bit before I put my foot down on the dating issue. Good idea, Lexie![sm=thumbsup.gif][;)]

shadowspring -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/22/2008 5:31:48 PM)
One of the teens living with us was kicked out over the smoking issue- and both of those parents chain smoke! [:o] He'd been smoking a year before they even caught him, because the smell was a normal part of that household in the first place.[sm=shakinghead.gif] Bad for them, good for us. We love having the young man here, and thank God for the opportunity to mentor him for Christ. He still smokes a little (behind the fence and out of sight), but he's working on it. [&:] My dh is a missionary kid. He was caught smoking at boarding school. His father had to fly 900 miles for the parent-teacher conference. When he arrived, he went on a walk out in the jungle with my dh (16 at the time). Dh was expecting a royal chew-out. Instead, his Dad told him something along the lines of: "Wow, you sure did grow up fast, son. Obviously, you're old enough to be making decisions for yourself now. You already have. I could forbid you to smoke, but what good would that do? You will do what you will do. BUT, I really hope you'll reconsider this decision, because I love you so much and it's such a bad choice..." He then went on to remind my dh of his grandmother, with stinky breath, yellow hands and heart disease. He reminded him of how much grandma wanted to quit, and just couldn't. Then he reminded his son of school policy, and that he would be expelled if he was caught again. And then he talked about how they would handle that if it came to it- go to the US to live with grandparents or his GED. Basically, my father-in-law kept it all factual and kind-hearted. My dh was shocked. It was the opposite of what he was expecting. The kindness led him to repentance. He did more than quit smoking, he rededicated his life to the Lord and was baptized. He has been living wholeheartedly for the Lord ever since. Now I don't know if my in-laws had thought out ahead of time how they would handle the issue of smoking. But I am sure happy that they chose to handle it the way they did. [:D] It worked wonderfully.

peculiar_lady2 -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/22/2008 5:52:55 PM)
quote: -no alcohol consumption outside of the house until they are 19, no excessive consumption of alcohol inside the house before 19 (they are permitted to drink small amounts with us before 19). is that the legal drinking age in Toronto Lexie?

lexie -> RE: What is your parenting bridge to die on? And what does that mean to you? (4/22/2008 8:29:06 PM)
The legal drinking age across Canada is 19, with the exception of Quebec where it is 18.

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