RE: Would it be inappropriate? (Full Version)

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legalnicki -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/19/2008 7:23:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ilive4jc

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrsOliver
...My suggestion is to really have a heart to heart with your husband so he knows for future events, that he needs to make sure you are placed at his side, regardless of the event. Your husbands job is to protect your position as his wife. ...

To protect your position from a selfish kid that has limited seats and wants his dad to be among them?


MrsOliver I would have to agree with everything that you said. That's exactly how I feel.

My husband and I were in the kitchen when we got the call from his son. I was listening to what my husband was saying. Initially when my husband figured out I wasn't invited. He told his son, "Well I know Mary would like to go". He went on to say, "Why don't you call your sister to see if she is going or not going so maybe Mary can go".

Well after that call, my husband could see that whole scenario did not sit well with me. My husband and are a team we travel together. We have two children together.

(so this justifies him missing the special occasions of his pre-you kids?)

After that phone call, my husband told me he would rather disappoint his son by not going then disappoint me by going.

Sorry, but I think you are being rather immature here. Why not simply say "Honey, I know this occasion is important to (kid's name), and I really don't want you to miss it. You should go and enjoy your time with your son and celebrate this honor with him!"
My husband has made it clear to my stepchildren in the beginning of our marriage that God comes first then his wife.

Just because you as his wife comes first in his life doesn't excuse him from being a part of his other children's lives and celebrations.

Wow. If I were the kid I'd be feeling pretty betrayed that my dad didn't want to celebrate the occasion with me. Also, the fact that the Dad wanted to see if the sister would stay home to make room for you doesn't sit well, either. Why shouldn't the kid have the people he wants there, especially since he is limited to the number he is allowed to invite? This event is about the kid celebrating an honor he is receiving, wanting to be with the people he feels closest with. And now his father, one of two people who mean the most to him, chose not to celebrate with him.

I think you've got it right when you said you are being insecure about it. Unfortunately, the kid's suffering due to your insecurity, and in the end it serves to make HIM insecure as well. My husband's parents were divorced, and this type of behavior is exactly the reason his bio-dad never hears from him. Bio-dad basically replaced his old family (2 kids) with his new wife and family (He went so far to tell my DH and his brother that he'd let them take their step-dad's last name if they wanted to)

**edited mostly for length**



Sadey -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/19/2008 7:39:44 PM)

Okay I have a great idea, and you can be the hero in all of this. Call the stepson and tell him not to give away his dad's ticket because his dad will be there and that it was just a misunderstanding (Its my understanding that your husband already told the boy he wasn't coming?). Then when your husband comes home, tell him that he is going and with your blessing and it will be a great evening and you'll wait up for him so you can hear all about it. Then take the suggestion of getiing him a gift with a note from you telling him Congradulations on the award.

I promise you with all my heart that this will be a great thing to do for your husband, stepson aside for now, just do this for your husband and you will reap great rewards for it. He will be so grateful he'll be stunned.
And do it with a sweet happy attitude and be excited for him that his son is doing so well and that its because he has such a great dad.

I would bet my life on this that it would turn out so well for you. Your husband and your stepson will never ever forget what you did.

Well either way they won't forget and wouldn't you want them remembering what a great lady you were and what an impression you left for both of them?



legalnicki -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/19/2008 7:48:12 PM)

Others have expressed my points *far* more eloquently than I did, and I apologize that my post above sounds a little more snarky than it should have.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/19/2008 8:29:19 PM)

OP you said something really important i think
quote:


All of them laughing and joking with each other. "Remembering the good old days". I say that because when the 2 stepchildren are in our company they do sometimes talk about the good old days, "Remember When" ect......He has had history with this woman. She left the marriage to pursue her selfish desires. And it hurt him deeply. I feel like I should be at my husband side in this circumstance. After listening to his conversation with his son, I can see he feels the same way. But I also feel a little guilty that he's not going because he wants to please me.


just reading this paragraph makes you sound extremely jealous. what happened if your husband was supposed to run an errand for you like getting milk and his son called from the scene of a car accident. so your husband rushing off would be putting his son before you? yes this is an extreme example but you are asking about an awards ceremony for your son. this is something you should get used to because tickets are often limited in school and extra curicular activities for children. does your husband's son's mother remarried yet? seems that bickering and contention is being modeled here not any teamwork. also there is a big difference between being excluded and not being included in a limited event. keep in mind that children often have secret hopes of parents reconciling even as long as 10 years down the road, and you seem to be encouraging an in your face attitude here in a very sensitive situation.



lightshineon -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/20/2008 2:28:07 AM)

Well yes, I might have a problem, I have only ben married once to the same man, but hurtful.



manda59 -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/24/2008 2:04:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lightshineon
Well yes, I might have a problem, I have only ben married once to the same man, but hurtful.




Feeling hurt is one thing, taking it personally and allowing it to become a problem is another.

Sometimes we need to just rise above our hurt feelings, and put others first.



Memaw. -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/24/2008 2:38:12 PM)

I just found this thread and read it all.

Rick and I have 5 kids.
Three are mine from my first marriage and 2 are his from his first marriage.
I would expect him to go, even if he was seated right next to his ex wife.
He has gone to places where she has been and I haven't, and I have gone to places where my ex has been and Rick wasn't.

It is called being a grown up.[:)]



stellaluna -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/24/2008 3:01:32 PM)

I'd kind of like to know how it all turned out.



buckifn -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/24/2008 5:01:32 PM)

quote:

This should teach your stepson a lesson not to exclude you from important events. He should know you and your husband are one in God's eyes and you should go together especially to important events. It's good that your husband puts your desires and feeling first rather than the children.


God also said "honor your PARENTS" the boy invited his mother, and his father, NOT his stepmother. IMO that is the honor God expects children to have, precisely in that order. For any adult to think of their own selfish desires and insecurities over the joy of a child's achievement is not honoring God.

I don't see the son as likely to want to go anywhere with anyone who can't appreciate the fact a son wants to spend time celebrating a special event with both his MOM AND DAD.



crankius -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/24/2008 5:17:45 PM)

quote:

If you cannot put yourself aside for the sake of the children, then there is a lot more going on than a special dinner for a boy who needs his dad to show up.



Agree.



crankius -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/24/2008 5:20:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon

This child had a limited number of invitations to extend.

It's not like he invited the whole world and excluded you. He had to choose the 5 people that he would most like to be there and/or who have helped him achieve this honor. That would be his dad, his mother, his sister and 2 of his teachers. There's nothing hard to understand about that.

It seems to me that your biggest worry is that your husband will be someplace with his ex-wife. Big deal! Your jealousy and insecurity have no place in this issue. Put the child and his father first. That is the right and appropriate thing to do.


Great post!



OLEEguacamole -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/24/2008 6:01:33 PM)

there is a God ordained relationship here that should not be weakened or put on the back burnner in adult world.

father/son.



Galilee -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/24/2008 6:03:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ilive4jc

I don't appreciate some of the comments made. I feel like I'm being attacked. Being told to (grow up, suck up, and shut up) is not very nice.

I'm going to pray about this situation and let God help me. He knows what's best.


I don't mean to pick on you, but I see on a lot of threads that people "don't appreciate" responses that are not what they want to be told. Like nobody wants to be told anything except "Yes, you did the right thing."

Personally I think you need to not just let, not just encourage, but insist that your step-son's Father attends this event. All parties will be better for it. And, if he does go, ask your husband how it went, but do not, even for a minute act like he ruined your life for a few hours by being there.



dradynsmom -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/26/2008 7:03:04 PM)

I am also in a StepMom - child relationship. We've talked to our pastor about it and he has always said First God, then your Spouse, then your children, then whatever else. My question I guess is would there be the same problem if you hadn't been invited (or was unable to attend) to a dinner if the child had been ur's biologically. Is the problem really that u weren't invited to be with your step-son or that you don't trust ur husband to spend an evening around his ex. If it is the later i encourage you to remember YOU are the one ur husband lays his head beside at night, Not his ex. Sorry if this post also offends you but GOd just laid it on my heart that i should write this.



ladyingrace1979 -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/27/2008 1:49:15 AM)

I agree with the other posts that say encourage your husband to go. It also seems to me that you were looking for validation for your point of view rather than advice. A question for you, are you so insecure in your relationship with your husband that his going out for a few hours without you is a crisis? I don't mean to be mean here but you two seem a bit too joined. You meet at the dentist, you don't go to appointment without eachother? You can still be individuals with individual interests and lives and be a united family.

I'm sorry if this offends but I do hope you will think carefully about what you and your husband are doing.
Kim Q



csl7037 -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/27/2008 8:38:27 AM)

I don't think live4jc is still here.



manda59 -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/28/2008 7:24:57 AM)

I so hope she has decided to encourage her husband to go and be with his son. The poor lad - it's always the children who suffer most in these situations.



blessednw -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/29/2008 7:31:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ilive4jc

My husband's son who is a freshman in high school is being honored for an academic event. His son is only allowed to invite 5 people to this event. Well, I wasn't invited. He invited his father my husband, my husband's ex-wife, his sister and two of his teachers. It's a dinner event with all of them sitting together at a table.

I guess it doesn't sit well with me. I'm not comfortable with my husband having dinner with his ex-wife and other children. Also, it hurts me that I wasn't invited. I have always gotten the feeling that his son doesn't really like me.

My question is, and I want other people's opinions, is it appropriate for my husband to attend this event without me at his side?

yes, its totally appropriate to have his mom and dad. Most kids of "divorce" have enough issues with their parents that they don't want to deal with "another parent's jealousy".

You cannot expect all the people you listed to accept and elevate your position when there is still a kid who was birthed by these original parents. If you want to make points with this young man, best to let him choose who to be where he is going to be honored. A hard thing, but within his bounds to decide.



Brooke313 -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (5/1/2008 4:39:14 PM)

I have to jump in here and say that this is a tough situation no matter how old a child is. My parents were divorced when I was 29 years old. They had been married 29 years. My father remarried about 6 months later, and even though we are all adults, it is hard to deal with his wife coming to events that are designed to be for his children that he had with our mother. It makes my mother uncomfortable as well. My brother is getting married in about 4 months and I know that my dad's wife will be there. We wish that she would stay away, but we know that we must be gracious and accept her presence and help our mother do so as well.

I think the way your situation is being handled is totally appropriate. It think that you can handle your husband eating with his ex wife for one night and that it won't create any hardship between you and he. However, I believe that the need of the son is the most important thing and that the father son relationship could suffer if dad does not attend this event. Curl up with a good book that night and a cup of tea. Later on take your step son and your husband out to celebrate by doing something that your step son likes to do. This is not about you! It is about a son and his mom and dad, and whether you like it or not, they were together first and that means that you need to step back and let them take care of business.



Ashyah -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (5/1/2008 11:40:00 PM)

If I was in your shoes I would be hurt too.

Did you and his mom not get along? Did you and your husband get involved at a time that hurt his former marriage?

I think one of the teachers should get eliminated and you invited.I am sure that the teacher would understand.

Your husband should speak up. You both could have just left early is it was uncomfortable.



mckystade -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (5/4/2008 4:45:02 PM)

i agree with Cynthia!

The boy did not ask for his parents to be divorced even if is was what was best for the family. He deserves to be able to have his mom and dad at this special event in peace, not for each other but FOR HIM! My husband's parents were divorced and did not get along and it really effects a child when they know that their parents care more about feeling comfortable than they care about just being there for their child! The more uncomfortable/comfortable you make it now, the more it will be in the future.....you have to think that this is your husband's son for LIFE........think graduations, wedding, grandchildren........... There are many more events that I'm sure you want to be included in, so please, don't isolate your husband now or you both will be isolated in the future. Trust me!



April75 -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (5/5/2008 11:31:25 AM)

I think you should try what Sadey said above. It sounds like a good idea.

I completely understand how you feel and I would the same. If you can, because you are the adult , do this for his son. Your understanding is far greater than that of a child. It will be hard but you can do it.

I know you are insecure and I would be also. Sometimes feelings are just what they are and have no basis. Try and put your feelings in perspective. In this situation you can use the love, loyalty and respect your husband has for you as your confidence.

When the children talk about old times and even when you think of your husband sitting at the table laughing with his ex you should know what you have tops that. It's not a competition but when you think about where your husband heart is that should say it all.

It's very important for your husband to be there for his son especially because he's a child. Just allow him to be there. I usually take a long to get to what I'm trying to say but I hope this helps. You are not wrong in feeling the way you do but it's what you do that determines who you are. Being in this situation(step families) period has to be hard on everyone. Being the bigger person will make you stronger.



lightshineon -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (5/5/2008 11:46:20 AM)

Yes, I agree, but does not mean, this person should not be hurt. I think many have attacked her on this thread. If she is hurting, why pour salt in the wound. I admit, not an expert on step- families, but anytime someone feels excluded and we all have, it just hurts your spirit.
quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59

quote:

ORIGINAL: lightshineon
Well yes, I might have a problem, I have only ben married once to the same man, but hurtful.




Feeling hurt is one thing, taking it personally and allowing it to become a problem is another.

Sometimes we need to just rise above our hurt feelings, and put others first.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (5/5/2008 12:30:39 PM)

Duh guys? Not sure she's even following this thread anymore since she hasn't posted in 3 weeks. She may have heard all she could take on the issue and hopefully she took it to heart.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (5/5/2008 12:46:57 PM)

I would also be upset if my stepson didn't invite me, and I wouldn't be totally comfortable with my husband there without me either (and NO, I was not the one who interfered in any marriage...my husband cheated on me with my stepson's mother after we were already married).

But...I would encourage him to go and try to keep my disappointment to myself, or share with a close friend I could trust. I would also probably make plans to do something with a friend that night...dinner and a movie or something.

Being a step-parent is HARD, even in the best of circumstances. But we have to put the child's well-being before our own wants sometimes, and it would appear to me this is one of those times. It's one night. One event.



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