Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (Full Version)

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stampinlady -> Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (4/17/2008 9:50:29 AM)

I'm listening to WMBI Moody radio right now and Lisa Bevere(sp?) is on and has a new book about this. I've never read anything baout this subject and probab;y could have used some help early on because it sure doesn't come naturally to me. Any thoughts?



Hislittleone -> RE: Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (4/17/2008 4:16:52 PM)

Deb, could you define what you mean by "nurturing"?

I think I've always been very nurturing. My mom is/was the same way. Not sure if it's an ability you're born with or something that's learned. [&:]

I've never read or even heard of a book on how to be a nurturing parent.

ETA: Actually, I've read parenting books that advocate attachment parenting so maybe that was teaching me to be nurturing. They just call it attachment parenting instead of nurturing.



pbaribeault -> RE: Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (4/17/2008 7:06:01 PM)

"Nurturing" is about doing what's right for kids, so that they can grow up well. People who are maybe less inclined to cuddle, kiss and coo over kids are not choosing not to nurture. They are choosing to nurture more the traits that they value highly (independence, reliability, sense of self) and less those they tend to take lightly (expressing affection, building relationships through touch, family inter-reliance).

While we need to be careful not to let our children's needs in either field go unmet, I'm not sure that the idea is that people who are not 'cozy' are not nurturing is either accurate or helpful. (Unless their child is seeming to miss the cozy factor and the parents do not respond.)

I'm not so 'cozy' in my parenting behaviour, but I'm doing just fine nurturing my child who is not so 'cozy' either (maybe because she was raised by me, maybe just the way she is). I wouldn't say that nurturing does not come naturally to me, I just nurture through methods that reflect who I am.

I'm not comfortable with a child continuing (past infancy) to seek to have their personal needs met exclusively by mom. I nurture them by helping them find personal strength in a variety of (age appropriate) ways. Not to say I'm not 'there for them' I just think that it is a gift to give them this type of skill set. Even if I had a child with high coziness needs, I would begin to 'wean' them towards a lower level of dependence on that kind of thing - so it too would be a gift, not a necessity. To me, that's nurturing.



bzirk -> RE: Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (4/17/2008 11:19:14 PM)

I love what pbaribeault wrote.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (4/18/2008 6:34:49 AM)

On the physical side, it comes easily to me. Probably because for me, cuddling/hugging/feeding/serving people gives me an immediate reward and good feelings.

But the kind of nurturing that takes something out of me and is unselfish, mostly emotional nurturing, giving up something I'm doing to deal with someone's emotional need, etc--I definately have to work on that and die to self on a daily basis.



lexie -> RE: Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (4/18/2008 1:41:57 PM)

I also love what pbaribeault wrote.

I get criticism in certain parenting circles (real life ones) for not following the attachment parenting methods and ideas. But I am very nurturing towards my daughter. She is well-adjusted, bright, happy and outgoing. More recently I have noticed that she is extremely caring, beyond what is typical for her age. I don't think that any one parenting style can claim to produce that in a child, it is part the personality of the child and part parenting.

What I am extremely careful of doing is "reading" my daughter. I've made sure to invest my time in learning her personality, her play style, her interactions etc, so I know how to best parent her. What I do for her may not work with my next child(ren).

So like what pbaribeaut said, to me nurturing is about doing what's right and best for your child. Did that come naturally to me? I think so. I had pretty much no close experience with children until I had my daughter, and I haven't read any parenting books, so while I may not have been great at it at first, it has definitely developed naturally for me over time.



stampinlady -> RE: Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (4/18/2008 1:52:14 PM)

quote:

Nurturing" is about doing what's right for kids, so that they can grow up well.


Well said. I was curious if anyone has read the book yet?

Lexie, I like what you said about "reading" your daughter. My dd(14) is not touchy feely and has never been. Ds(13) is. I make sure I still give dd hugs and kisses, but when she wants them, well .... most of the time.[:)] Ds always comes to me for hugs and kisses.



WesP -> RE: Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (4/18/2008 2:52:00 PM)

Can a man answer here? After all, I am a single parent of 4, and they live with me 24/7. [;)]

I find it to be pretty easy. I love nothing more than playing with my children. I strive to teach them new things everyday, and I am very giving of hugs and words of love and encouragement. I guess the downside for me would be that sometimes I feel like I need to restrain on coddling because I do not want my children to be followers. They need to be individuals and not rely on others to prop them up. I tell them that God is their prop, and I am their temporary "woobie" until they are older.

ETA: had to fix a sentence. One word changes a lot!



pbaribeault -> RE: Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (4/18/2008 6:27:38 PM)

Of course a dad can answer! This is "Parenting" not "Mommies-R-Us"

You sound like a great dad with a balanced and realistic understanding of your children's needs.

With 4, though, do you find it harder to nurture them in a way that suits their temperaments? Is it a challenge not to fall prey to a one-size-fits all kind of thing?



Mrs.Wifey -> RE: Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (4/19/2008 12:42:15 AM)

quote:

What I am extremely careful of doing is "reading" my daughter. I've made sure to invest my time in learning her personality, her play style, her interactions etc, so I know how to best parent her. What I do for her may not work with my next child(ren).


I agree. We are "AP" in some ways and I did just join an AP mom's group but DH prefers to call it "Intuitive Parenting" which I think is really the best way to describe what we do. We go with the flow and follow our instinct and Gabby's "lead".

But yes, I think that DH and I both nurture Gabby in different ways that suit her personality and ours.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (4/19/2008 3:16:55 AM)

I am very naturally nurturing and maternal, but I don't have kids[:(]. I did find it hard in the setting of the preschool to be as nurturing and patient as I wanted to be, because there were hoards of kids, and my boss was difficult, so I had pressure from above and below. I also had a harder time being patient with the very disruptive kids. I was disappointed in myself about that.

When I worked at in home preschool, there was less kids per teacher, and I had a nice boss, so nurturing there was much easier.

When it comes to the countless kids I've babysat for, I probably did better with some than with others.



legalnicki -> RE: Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (4/19/2008 8:05:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pbaribeault

"Nurturing" is about doing what's right for kids, so that they can grow up well. People who are maybe less inclined to cuddle, kiss and coo over kids are not choosing not to nurture. They are choosing to nurture more the traits that they value highly (independence, reliability, sense of self) and less those they tend to take lightly (expressing affection, building relationships through touch, family inter-reliance).

While we need to be careful not to let our children's needs in either field go unmet, I'm not sure that the idea is that people who are not 'cozy' are not nurturing is either accurate or helpful. (Unless their child is seeming to miss the cozy factor and the parents do not respond.)

I'm not so 'cozy' in my parenting behaviour, but I'm doing just fine nurturing my child who is not so 'cozy' either (maybe because she was raised by me, maybe just the way she is). I wouldn't say that nurturing does not come naturally to me, I just nurture through methods that reflect who I am.

I'm not comfortable with a child continuing (past infancy) to seek to have their personal needs met exclusively by mom. I nurture them by helping them find personal strength in a variety of (age appropriate) ways. Not to say I'm not 'there for them' I just think that it is a gift to give them this type of skill set. Even if I had a child with high coziness needs, I would begin to 'wean' them towards a lower level of dependence on that kind of thing - so it too would be a gift, not a necessity. To me, that's nurturing.

I love this post. I was just about going to post about how I'm not a naturally "nurturing" type of person, but your post hit the nail on the head. I'm not a cuddly-kissy person. In fact, my DH calls me "****ly", and when my kids play a game of "the-first-one-to-touch-Mom-wins", my smart-alecky 11 year old says "Mom doesn't like to be touched". Its not really true - I *DO* dispense kisses and hugs and physical affection, but not as often as others, and I don't care to be hugged (except by the kids - who wouldn't like that?). I guess I'm a little awkward socially, but I wasn't always like that.



legalnicki -> RE: Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (4/19/2008 8:07:17 PM)

OK - I did *not* just type a swear word in that post up above. The word that is censored is what you would call a cactus.



pbaribeault -> RE: Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (4/19/2008 8:14:06 PM)

I was wondering what exactly might have been in there!



legalnicki -> RE: Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (4/19/2008 8:22:58 PM)

LOL... after seeing it censored I understood why that part of the word was edited, but in the context of my post the word is not "bad". [:D]



Christian30 -> RE: Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (4/20/2008 12:53:23 AM)

I'm a dad who is extremely nurturing, but both of my parents were very strong nurturers, so I was blessed in that way. Parenting younger kids came much easier to me than when they became teenagers, at which time they wanted more distance from me. I'm a "huggy" person, and while it is not a moral issue, I like that about myself. Other things I do not like.



bzirk -> RE: Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (4/21/2008 8:00:43 PM)

I'm a toucher myself, but I don't necessarily equate nurturing with touching. It can be part of it. But I've known people who nurtured quite a bit and never laid a hand on anyone. They did it with their words.



2by2 -> RE: Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (5/2/2008 10:05:10 PM)

I had one nurturing parent and one that was not-so-nurturing. I nurture my children every chance I get. Not just with hugs and "at-a-boys", but by taking the time to explore and learn about new things with them (lady bug eggs are fascinating!), and to share my thoughts and values one-on-one with them. I am finding it hard to nurture my teenager, because he is resistant to nurturing at this stage of life, but it doesn't stop me from trying. I even consider "life lessons" such as doing laundry, working in the yard, etc. a nurturing experience because I am making him a better person and instilling in him ideals and values he will need when I am no longer there to lead the way.



locomom -> RE: Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (5/5/2008 2:19:56 AM)

I would have to say yes and no to your question. I don't talk baby talk with any sense of ease, so I didn't. I don't get all gushy and mushy in words nor do I get all bubbly and excited like others do. However, like any parent I wanted the best for my child. I wanted to show love and approval so that my daughter would always know that she is loved.

Truthfully, I made plenty of mistakes, I got questioned by people who thought I should do differently occasionally, and somehow we got through. What I had to do was to acknowledge/discover my style and accept that it wasn't anything like typically sweet media moms either on TV or as in magazines. I simply had to develop my style and accept it. After all God made us all different. Vive la difference!



sunshine4God -> RE: Nurturing, does it come naturally for you? (5/5/2008 12:56:20 PM)

I am a very nurturing person and because of this Children just love me.Its a gift that I have,relating to kids and being so good with them.



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