Talk to pastor's wife??? (Full Version)

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small_creation -> Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 10:05:22 AM)

Hello all. I think I need to go and offer some sympathy to our pastor's wife, but I don't know how to do it. You see, our church board is in the process of asking the pastor to leave. I know this because I am the chairman's wife and privy to much behind-the-scenes information.

Pastor's wife is in her 50s and I am in my 30s, so first of all there's a generation gap, which doesn't help matters. While I do have sympathy for their situation -- they have kids in school and don't appear to have cultivated many casual friendships over their 9-year tenure, I just don't know what to say to her.

See, I think their time has come and they should move along. The primary reason I want to offer support is so they aren't left with the impression that no one prays for them -- that we don't think they deserve love. But really, in my head I'm just hoping that they will indeed be moved along.

I am double-minded in a way and need help discerning correct thoughts and turning them into action.

Anybody?



sisrev -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 11:12:32 AM)

This sounds like more of a "Here's your hat, where's the hurry" kind of thing to me.

Also---if you are not on the board, how is it that you are privy to so much "behind-the-scenes" information? Your husband should not be sharing anything confidential with you, especially given your eagerness to hurry things right along.

You don't want them to think that they "don't deserve love"? We love you, we just don't want you here anymore.

What kind of praying are you doing for them, anyway? Lord, please make them move. They're time is up here.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Sounds like Job's "comforters" to me.



small_creation -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 11:16:55 AM)

Thank you for your reply. I am hurrying to my bible to read Job...

j



funny_girl -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 11:33:23 AM)

I think you need to take this to the Lord in prayer. Your pastor's have many years of experience ahead of you and whatever it is that you have to offer will be best coming through private prayer. Going to her to relieve your mind is not a benefit to her but to yourself. Perhaps had you been supportive of her before you decided that it was time for her to leave I could agree with you to go and minister to her, but it's evident that the church body hasn't been supportive of this family by what you are writing in the form of
quote:

they have kids in school and don't appear to have cultivated many casual friendships over their 9-year tenure, I just don't know what to say to her.


I pray that in the future you will form a prayer group to uphold in prayer your pastors rather than taking on the thinking that they are only there to serve you. It goes both ways.



groovymovieman -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 11:33:41 AM)

quote:

This sounds like more of a "Here's your hat, where's the hurry" kind of thing to me.

Also---if you are not on the board, how is it that you are privy to so much "behind-the-scenes" information? Your husband should not be sharing anything confidential with you, especially given your eagerness to hurry things right along.

You don't want them to think that they "don't deserve love"? We love you, we just don't want you here anymore.

What kind of praying are you doing for them, anyway? Lord, please make them move. They're time is up here.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Sounds like Job's "comforters" to me.


Yeah, I have to agree with that. It sounds like religion is getting in the way of what it means to be a follower of Christ. That's not walking in love, that's just being religious. It sounds more like you're wanting to ease your guilt over the situation than walk in love. If you really love them you'd confront this very unloving move by the board.



funny_girl -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 11:35:42 AM)

Are you also on these committees where your husband is serving? If not, I suggest that he not share with you the details of the 'behind the scenes' as it is non of your business. Being a pastor's wife, I can't tell you how hard it is to not get the people to come and share things with me that I have no business knowing and I am constantly pointing them back to the pastor. I don't want to know. I'm there to support my husband in love and prayer and he is the head.

I sure hope I'm completely wrong and have a great misunderstanding of what you have written. Let me warn you in love that the scripture says "Do not lift your hand against my anointed." Having pastored some of the most difficult churches I can tell you that it is not safe to come against pastors. I pray that you are being led by the Holy Spirit and that your husband is receiving guidance from the district covering to move in this direction.



funny_girl -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 11:37:04 AM)

I pray that you are not acting in your own will but have sought out counsel by those spiritual leaders over this pastor.

If you have sought counsel and it was recommended by the district officials to let them go. Simply write her a card thanking them for their time and bless them as they go. Blessing them is the greatest gift you could give to a departing pastor.



doinkdom -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 12:16:36 PM)

This is NOT an admonishment to you small_creation...it is an observation to a situation that happens throughout the body of Christ.

Why do we wait until we are ready to hand them their hat and open the door to show love to someone?

If someone would take the time and get over their personal fear of man, and love on those in crisis, or in stubbornness, or in whatever quagmire they might be in...how much more would the love of Jesus impact their life and spur them on to love and good deeds?

Anyway, small_creation, if you genuinely love this woman...tell her
and don't make it contigent on anything else



small_creation -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 12:21:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: funny_girl

I think you need to take this to the Lord in prayer.... Going to her to relieve your mind is not a benefit to her but to yourself. Perhaps had you been supportive of her before you decided that it was time for her to leave I could agree with you to go and minister to her....


Maybe it's part guilt that I want to go talk with her, but the idea was put into my head last night by my hubby who said that a certain respected and upright church woman went and talked to pastor's wife to offer her support (although I understand she also thinks it's time for them to go). I'm trying to take a cue, I guess. I suppose I thought I could go and listen to her, giving her a shoulder to cry on, but you're right, there's no history of friendship here. Just a church heierachy I'm attempting to respect.

quote:


I pray that in the future you will form a prayer group to uphold in prayer your pastors rather than taking on the thinking that they are only there to serve you. It goes both ways.
Thank you for this idea. It's a good one.

j



2shaye -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 12:27:59 PM)

Small creation, I admire your teachable spirit. From what you've written, I agree with the others.

quote:

ORIGINAL: funny_girl

Simply write her a card thanking them for their time and bless them as they go. Blessing them is the greatest gift you could give to a departing pastor.


I agree with funny girl here - a note of blessing would be most appropriate.



Focusing -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 12:31:09 PM)

Has the board already asked them to leave? If not, you definitely cannot say anything to anyone, including the pastor's wife, as you are privy to very private and confidential information.

I think it would be very kind of you to offer her a card before they leave, with a hand-written note that includes words of encouragement - scripture of course, as well as a personal prayer to let her know you are praying for her.

I think what needs to be remembered is that sometimes we need to move along in our journeys in life. Rather than viewing it as something horrible to be ashamed about, why not provide a positive and encouraging word that she can keep in her heart as she and her husband find a new calling? Who knows if they are being called to a place that needs them in a way they cannot be used in their current positions?


Father, thank You for Janie's heart of compassion. Please help guide her words and provide the proper time for her to share encouragement with a sister. Amen.



small_creation -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 12:42:19 PM)

Anyone else, please chime in. I am reading and hopefully learning... God grant me discernment. I don't want this family to leave with a sour taste in their mouth...I think the pastor could minister elsewhere successfully, just maybe not in a pastoral setting.

I've always wanted to tell him that he would make a great hospital chaplain. He's faithful to the sick, I believe he has a heart to serve, and his personality would best be utilized where he could meet, greet, minister, pray and move on.

How do you say that to a person?!?!?!

j



small_creation -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 12:44:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: doinkdom


If someone would take the time and get over their personal fear of man, and love on those in crisis, or in stubbornness, or in whatever quagmire they might be in...how much more would the love of Jesus impact their life and spur them on to love and good deeds?


Yes, yes...I have lately been feeling convicted of fear of man. Thank you for pointing this out yet again.

j



Focusing -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 12:44:14 PM)

Exactly like you did ... Pastor, I believe you have servant's heart and it hasn't gone unnoticed.

What a beautiful thing to say!



sisrev -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 12:52:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: small_creation
I've always wanted to tell him that he would make a great hospital chaplain. He's faithful to the sick, I believe he has a heart to serve, and his personality would best be utilized where he could meet, greet, minister, pray and move on.

How do you say that to a person?!?!?!

j


Be very careful that you are not trying to give direction to another person which is not yours to give---that job belongs to the Holy Spirit.

Certainly pray that the pastor will be open to the guidance of the Holy Spirit, but for you try to tell this pastor that in your opinion he is not gifted as a pastor, but as a chaplain, would probably not come across as kind and caring.



small_creation -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 12:56:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: funny_girl

I pray that you are not acting in your own will but have sought out counsel by those spiritual leaders over this pastor.

If you have sought counsel and it was recommended by the district officials to let them go. Simply write her a card thanking them for their time and bless them as they go. Blessing them is the greatest gift you could give to a departing pastor.


Various members of the church have indeed written letters and pled on behalf of the church that this man is just not the right fit here, so yes, many have sought council outside our church walls. Recently, district agreed and gave my husband the impression that they agree, too.

As for inside our church, I can tell you that there are numerous letters from the laypeople wanting pastor to move along. These were brought to light in a recent pastoral relations committee meeting.

Hey, I have sins, too. And I want to be convicted of them. I want a teachable spirit and am attempting to get some wise counsel. I'm trying my best not to gossip, but ratherI think I am giving details that will help others understand the position I'm in. I'm a pretty small player, by the way. But I'd love to make a big difference if it means these people are not dispirited by the time they leave our church. I realize we all have a role to play in God's kingdom.

j



small_creation -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 1:00:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sisrev

Be very careful that you are not trying to give direction to another person which is not yours to give---that job belongs to the Holy Spirit.

Certainly pray that the pastor will be open to the guidance of the Holy Spirit, but for you try to tell this pastor that in your opinion he is not gifted as a pastor, but as a chaplain, would probably not come across as kind and caring.


No, I do not want to come across as unkind or uncaring, nor is it my will to be so.

j



funny_girl -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 1:04:58 PM)

I must admit that I too am very pleased to see her teachable spirit.

From what you wrote
quote:

I've always wanted to tell him that he would make a great hospital chaplain. He's faithful to the sick, I believe he has a heart to serve, and his personality would best be utilized where he could meet, greet, minister, pray and move on.


I don't think there is a nicer way to say it. Sometimes, the truth hurts but it's for the benefit of all. These are not my husband's strengths. He's an amazing charismatic preacher/teacher. Those that need or want the hospital/home visits will be very critical of him because he wasn't wired to do that. On occasion yes but it's completely unnatural.



funny_girl -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 1:13:27 PM)

My concern for you is coming against the Lord's anointed because you can reap curses on yourself for it. You've admitted that you haven't completely done your part but be so careful here. Is your church affiliated with a denomination? Is that what this means?
quote:

Recently, district agreed and gave my husband the impression that they agree, too.



small_creation -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 1:17:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sisrev

This sounds like more of a "Here's your hat, where's the hurry" kind of thing to me.

Also---if you are not on the board, how is it that you are privy to so much "behind-the-scenes" information? Your husband should not be sharing anything confidential with you, especially given your eagerness to hurry things right along.

You don't want them to think that they "don't deserve love"? We love you, we just don't want you here anymore.

What kind of praying are you doing for them, anyway? Lord, please make them move. They're time is up here.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Sounds like Job's "comforters" to me.


Can I still be like one of the friends if he is not like Job? I'm not sure it's directly relational to the situation, but thank you for making me read it again. All scripture is good for teaching and rebuking, right?

j



funny_girl -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 1:18:11 PM)

If you've spoken to the district than you are doing the right thing. Now, I'm 'assuming' the board w/guidance of the district is presenting the pastor with a 'realization' that he needs to move on for the benefit of the the church. We've been in situations where the church board went against the district and it was disastrous. The head board member later committed suicide. It was horrible.



small_creation -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 1:28:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: funny_girl

If you've spoken to the district than you are doing the right thing. Now, I'm 'assuming' the board w/guidance of the district is presenting the pastor with a 'realization' that he needs to move on for the benefit of the the church. We've been in situations where the church board went against the district and it was disastrous. The head board member later committed suicide. It was horrible.


That's terrible, I'm sorry. Yes, I see you were a witness to a curse of going against His Annointed. Could you tell me where that scripture is?

And I have not talked or corresponded with the district -- yes we are one of many in an affiliated denomination. My husband has and thus my information. They've relayed to him what a good severance package would look like.

j



funny_girl -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 1:34:45 PM)

The life of Saul and David honey.

I didn't mean to scare you, I just want you to be protected and I think you are. Praise the Lord!

This will be hard and I know you are so eager to move on. Bless your hearts for being patient!

Back to ministering to the pastor's wife. I would encourage you and the others in the church to prayerfully consider a verbal and written blessing upon this family. Spur them on to good works in the Lord. They will be eternally grateful and even though it's painful and awkward, we grow through these times and it's for our benefit. It's good to hear it and when they can read it, they'll be blessed all over again in years to come. It's a wonderful gift and when we look back to remember we can see how much we've grown and how God's hand of protection was upon us all along. Especially during the hard times.



rcjames -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 2:05:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: groovymovieman
Yeah, I have to agree with that. It sounds like religion is getting in the way of what it means to be a follower of Christ. That's not walking in love, that's just being religious. It sounds more like you're wanting to ease your guilt over the situation than walk in love. If you really love them you'd confront this very unloving move by the board.


Hey Groovy, I kinda sorta agree with you here. The OP thinks the Pastor should move on, but wants to maybe act like she doesn't. She is putting herself in a very dicey position.

I will disagree only in the area of you saying this is an unloving move by the board. Since we know nothing of the situation I do not see how we can declare the move by the board unloving or anything else.

Thanks
RC



10SNE1? -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 2:17:02 PM)

Hi Small Creation,

One of our associate pastors recently accepted a call to another ministry. I know that they received several notes of appreciation for their service to our church. They are a young family with several children and this move will not be without some financial hardship. Several people sent gift cards and at least one person sent an anonymous cash gift. We know ( my dh and I are close friends of theirs) this was a tremendous blessing to them. The notes, of course, touched their hearts and the material blessings were much needed and appreciated. Perhaps you could ( when the time is right) do something like this and "encourage" some of the other folks to reach out with a nice thank you gesture.

Deb



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