At the end of my resources (Full Version)

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janidhiro -> At the end of my resources (4/14/2008 4:58:37 PM)

married 23 years; six children; progressive communication breakdown over the last 3-4 years; have been in and out of counseling (individual and joint) during this time; I cannot even bear to try to talk to her any more because it is so painful. I tell her my concerns and hurts and am typically informed that she is more hurt and has suffered more damage in the marriage than I have. Independent of what the issue is, my dw must always prove that she is right and have the last word. I am feeling mentally abused. I have been an overprotective, difficult, inflexible, loving, caring, giving and doting husband and father. I have no one else in my life apart from her- she has been my friend, my lover, my comfort, my strength, my counselor, my refuge. I am at a complete loss. Being totally consumed with raising 6 children (SAH mom, homeschooling, you name it) I have zero relationships outside of my marriage. I exist in a church that does a pretty good job of meeting the diverse needs of a large family; I can't even believe that I am posting in a forum like this but I need help. I need wisdom. I need prayer. I so desperately need her...



huckfinn327 -> RE: At the end of my resources (4/14/2008 5:17:03 PM)

Marriage is honorable and certainly worthy of all your labors to make it everlasting throughout our lives. Your words are a prayer .. it is the will of God and of His only begotten Son that yoiu and your wife (twain) are one and shall not be put asunder. The www site below explains my view of marriage.

John D. Keller



Beck34 -> RE: At the end of my resources (4/14/2008 5:20:36 PM)

It seems you have tried everything.....Have you tried laying it down before the One who made her? I know you probably feel like your prayers are hitting the ceiling right now. God knows I have had troubles with my spouse! Yet, I feel compelled to ask you if you have laid this burden at His feet? Have you tried praying together for the peace that only Her can give?
I know that seems like such a simple answer, but my parents have been married for almost 36 years! I have seen them go through a time such as yours. My mom was ready to walk away....Yet, her mother (married for 50 years at the time) simply asked her if she had laid it all at His feet. All the pain you are going through...He knows what it is. Only He can understand the exact situation you are in, and He will send friends your way who will comfort you. He will send someone along that you can talk to.
Lay it at His feet....the rest will come.

Lay it down, say, "It's all my fault, all my fault."
Say, "I believe, I believe." Lay it down.
It's the hour of Thy healing, of Thy healing hand....
-Jennifer Knapp



Liveloved -> RE: At the end of my resources (4/14/2008 7:21:39 PM)

At the end of YOUR resources is the best place to be.

You can no longer do it---as you probably have been for 23+ years.

Give it up and surrender. Let Christ do what you cannot.

Pray and believe that God can accomplish the impossible!

Trust Him to do what you cannot.

The Lord bless you and keep you! And make His face to [:)] upon you.
And be gracious to you. The Lord lift up His [:)] on you and give you peace. Bless you, brother!



deermousie -> RE: At the end of my resources (4/15/2008 12:17:09 AM)

She may be exhausted or menopausal or stuck in sin or have a medical condition. I'd recommend a visit to the doc first to rule out a physical problem. Get a counselor. Then give her a few days off and let her go sit on the beach with a book or go to a spa if you can swing the bucks. Get your pastor in on this; it's his job. And pray like a big dog.

Sorry I can't help more than that. You sound like a wonderful husband and father; may God bless you all as you trust Him and deal with the things in front of you. I am praying for you tonight.



2shaye -> RE: At the end of my resources (4/15/2008 12:38:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: deermousie

And pray like a big dog.



Agree!



Beck34 -> RE: At the end of my resources (4/15/2008 12:49:36 PM)

You know I was thinking about this...My sister is the same way. Everything is always bigger, always worse.
I recall sometimes that it almost drove me over the edge. Then, she got sick. I didn't want to believe her at first because I was going through my own illness. I just thought she was exaggerating, and I told her so.
She put off going to the doctor because of what I said, and she almost died as a result.
My mother also told me that part of the reason that her and my father had so many problems was because her hormones were out of balance at the time. A doctor's visit is a good idea. Don't pass any judgements about it until you talk to the doctor yourself. It may be that she is having health problems, and she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about it.
No doubt that you both need help, and I am praying for you!



janidhiro -> RE: At the end of my resources (4/16/2008 8:12:43 AM)

Thanks to all who have offered advice and prayer support. She would never concede that there may be something wrong with her physically and, to be honest, I do not think this is the case (perhaps excepting normal peri-menopausal stuff). She is in excellent physical shape and (cruising in on fifty and after 6 children) still has the looks of a thirty something kid. I have told her I think she is depressed and she only responds with anger and tells me I am depressed. Of cource, I already know this and have acknowledged this to her over the years. Admission of depresion (at least for me) was the single most effective tool in recognizing it when it surfaces and recovering from it. We are in day three of a stand-off with a family vacation looming next week. Many times I feel I have seven children.



jaimestarcross -> RE: At the end of my resources (4/16/2008 1:27:04 PM)

Do you all have relatives and friends that can watch the children so you and your wife can have time away?

Suggestions:
Would it be helpful to the marriage if some of the older children went to public school?
Are there others around your area that do homeschooling? - perhaps your family could get together with others who home school (combine forces so to speak).
Spending so much time at home with children can be stressful when there's no one else to relieve either one of you from doing home school teaching, on top of being parents to 6 children 24/7. You all sound overwhelmed with all the activities/duties... figure out ways to schedule in time for mini getaways so you and your wife can be a couple and don't forget personal time so either of you can have some time off to do something alone... even if it's only for a few hours.

I also encourage making friendships.



janidhiro -> RE: At the end of my resources (4/16/2008 2:31:34 PM)

Have already given up homeschooling. All younger kids are now in private Christian schools. One in college. One in grad school (married).
Get-aways are very dangerous because then we are alone and the conflict can just escalate insanely. I physically cannot deal with the conflict any longer. I often feel that I am going to drop dead in the middle of the insanity. My only solution is to avoid her and stay out of her way. This gives me some temporary respite but just makes her more angry. She interprets this as rejection. I see it as self-preservation. I need to be there for my kids. This also makes her angry as I once told her that the only reason I live is to care for them. She is very jealous of my kindness towards the children and frequently insinuates that I would not do the same for her. All of these things I mention are recent. I no longer live with the woman I married.



TMeeks -> RE: At the end of my resources (4/16/2008 2:57:28 PM)

In 23 years, there is a lot of time to build up hurts, one at a time, until they consist of a big pile of things to throw at each other every time some little disagreement arises. So, todays arguments are really just extensions of all the previous arguments, in a never ending cycle. This, it appears to me, is what has to stop for both of you.

But, the difficulty is that, usually, one or the other has problems letting go of the past.

Why?

Each past hurt carries not only the memory of the hurt; but, the pain and emotions of that hurt. And, it also carries with it a sense of 'rightness' by the person that is hurt, that ends up being something that is viewed as a bit of investment. We hold onto the past because we are owed something... an apology, groveling, penance. But, usually, when the other tries to offer an apology it is dismissed because of that long held sense of investment or entitlement keeps saying, "I AM THE RIGHT ONE!"

The problem is that people rarely understand the cost of always havng to be "The Right One" in a relationship until it is too late.

While you can come to better understand your wife and the roots of her issues, you cannot change her. You can only change yourself and I have never met anyone in a difficult marriage situation that didn't need to work on something in their own lives. And, quite often, that ends up leading their partner to do likewise. I sound like a broken record; but, if you really want to get to the ROOT of these issues, you will have to understand that where you are now was slowly built up on foundations of toxic memories. And, the toxicity of these memories will have to be taken away by the power of Jesus Christ by transforming your mind to the RENEWING of your mind.

Perhaps, one or the other of you had a painful childhood or were children (or grandchilrdren) of alcoholics. If so, you need to wipe away the power of years of negative memories has over both of you. And, the most practical and Biblical way that I have seen this demonstrated is in "Who Switched Off My Brain" by Dr. Caroline Leaf.

I know that you have been told to read you Bible and Pray and everything will straighten out. And, I'm going to say that very same thing. Except that this time, if you read Dr. Leaf's book, you are going have a better idea HOW to apply the Scriptures so that they work quickly as God intended them to do. And, you are going to know what to pray for in a more targeted sense. It's just practical application of Scripture along with a full explanation of how God mades to be changed and how change happens... by actually transforming the physical structure of our thoughts to take them from fear thougts to faith thoughts.



janidhiro -> RE: At the end of my resources (4/16/2008 3:52:46 PM)

TMeeks has articulated the core of our issues. We are experiencing the cumulative effect of years of hurts. I have recognized this. She has acknowledged this. I ask if we can start anew. She consents. Rewind. Same old same old. Actually, not same old, worse as each year passes.
It is true that I can only change myself and not the other. This must become my focus. Many thanks for the wise counsel.



skigirl -> RE: At the end of my resources (4/16/2008 4:05:04 PM)

I've been married for 9 years and for the first 6 years my husband was an unbeliever. I was a believer and desperately wanted him to come to Christ. It took years of waiting and praying and he finally came to Christ. It wasn't easy, and it took a ton of hurt, confusion, and tragedy to get there. My husband also struggles with addiction and he is an avoidant. It sounds like you're wife has some strongholds in her life which can be pride, resentment, or lack of faith. Typically those of us who are married to avoidant types will continually chase while our avoidant spouses will continue to push away. I have found that dealing with our own past hurts and issues, for me it was love addiction, is the only way that we can have a healthy marriage is if we are healthy as individuals. Anything negative in the past will only build on our marriage in the future. This could even be childhood traumas such as: alcoholic parents, addictions such as sex addiction, love addiction, co-dependancy, lack of intimacy as a child, neglect, etc. Almost all of us have some type of past traumas in our life.

For myself, I have struggled with anxiety and depression over the things that I did as a teenager and then as a back-slidden Christian, even up until recently. I have made myself sick with the memories, the "would have, could have, should haves" and the shame that I feel from my past mistakes. The thing that I have discovered, however, is that I am free from condemnation because I am in Christ Jesus. I say all of this because both my husband and I have our own past hurts that affect our marriage now. If you try to "fix" you're wife, you are only becoming a part of the past trauma that is causing her to behave or feel the way that she does. The only way to deal with this is to make you're life with Christ stronger. The void in you're heart can't be filled by you're wife or children. Trust me, I have tried to fill that void for the past 15 years, even while proffessing to be a Christian. Like my husband, when you're husband sees the change in you, and you're committment to Christ, she will change by osmosis. If you nag her, she will only get defensive. Any type of communication on important subjects in regard to you're feelings on the situation should be used in the "I". For example, "When I heard you say that you don't want to spend time with me apart from the kids, what that triggered for me (or brought up for me, or what I made up about that is) is memories of my past when my parents didn't pay enough attention to me. And about that I feel ______________(sad, angry, scared, frustrated, etc.). Whenever we say "when you do this", "when you did that", we put the other on the defensive. No one causes us to feel any certain way then the way we make ourselves feel. You need to choose what you take in as you're truth's. Filter everything that comes into you're head by giving it up to Christ.

Here is an example of what I'm doing in the effort to heal my marriage...

I am watching the DVD's that TMeeks has suggested titled "Who switched off my brain". I already can tell that Dr. Lief knows her stuff because I went to a week long workshop on Love addiction with the worlds best psyhciatrists, counselors, writers and speakers. They taught the same things except they talked about a higher power as opposed to the biblical background that Dr. Lief describes. Change you're thinking. She teaches you 13 steps to detox you're brain. I am a firm believer that our thought life greatly affects our health as mine has for years.

I am reading everything I can when it comes to surrendering to God's will. "All things work for the good of those who love the Lord." Celebrate Recovery has been great for me because it is teaching me to let go of all of my past hurts, habits, and hang-ups. I am spending time talking to Christian's who practice the act of giving everything up to the Lord. It sounds as if you already have a gret starting place.

I'm reading "The Sacred Romance". You can find it on Amazon.com. This is a book that will draw you closer to the heart of God. It talks about lifes arrows that have hurt us and keep us from what God desires to have with us...pure intimacy. If we don't have intimacy with God first, we can't have true intimacy with anyone else.

If you're wife is not too much into church, would she go away to a sunny week in Arizona to the Meadow's Center? This is a 12 step based facility that offers week-long workshops like the one I attended. They have a marriage workshop and it costs $2300.00. This is group therapy for 5 days from 8am to 5pm and it includes 3 really good meals a day. You will probably even see a celebrity or two there. The marriage workshop focuses on communication, building intimacy, and really breaking through to find the love you once shared. They address issues from the past that will impede on intimacy, and I can tell you will not leave the workshop unchanged. This would be a nice get away for you both, but you won't have much time to fight because they will give you home work to work on. Then you can apply you're Christian beliefs to it as I did. I was able to take what I learned on the love addiction / love avoidant cycle and apply it to my life.

I am working very hard on my relationship with Christ, and getting over the fact that I don't keep close relationships with others because I don't have the time. You need to break away from that co-dependance to you're wife and be only dependant on God. I could never survive alone without someone to be there with me and give me attention. This led me to horrible decisions that almost ended my marriage. Now my husband and I are working through it. I would say that he is more like you're wife in that he just seems comfortable with how things are. Another book I recomment is "The power of a praying husband" by Stormy O'Martian. If you start reading this book and earnestly seeking God, praying the prayers that are in the book, you will see changes! The book also teaches you everything you need to know about women's needs. You're wife will see you reading these books and she will start getting the picture more clearly. Actions speak louder than words. You can look up any of my previous posts and see the horrible things that I have done to my husband. He's still here! I'm still trying...but it took me all of these years to sum it all up: I need to change myself and depend totally on God, everything else will fall into place!

God Bless you and PM me if you need to talk.



TMeeks -> RE: At the end of my resources (4/16/2008 6:32:06 PM)

Amen, SkiGirl.

The tips on communication are excellent. Nothing is impossible with Jesus Christ in our lives as long as we realize that it is ME that He wants to change. He will do the rest with regards to our spouse, when we are faithful to do His will and strive to learn how to be the best wife or husband we can be.

Thank you for that. Turning from being the hurting one to the helpling one is a huge step forward. God is blessing your faithfulness and if you were my daughter, this old guy would just say, "I'm very, very proud of you!" You're doing so well. [sm=dance.gif]



TMeeks -> RE: At the end of my resources (4/16/2008 6:46:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: janidhiro

TMeeks has articulated the core of our issues. We are experiencing the cumulative effect of years of hurts. I have recognized this. She has acknowledged this. I ask if we can start anew. She consents. Rewind. Same old same old. Actually, not same old, worse as each year passes.
It is true that I can only change myself and not the other. This must become my focus. Many thanks for the wise counsel.

It is NOT imposible. But, it's going to start with you. And, the first step is to truly invite Christ to begin working in YOUR life to do wahtever it takes to move you closer and closer to the center of His will for you today and everyday.

And, that means staying away from the verses in the Bible that tell wives what to do and focus entirely on the verses of the Bible that tell YOU how to feel and act toward your wife. And, the core of that is to Love her as Christ loved the church and present her to yourself as pure. What???? That's right, recognize that in order for Christ to have saved her, He had to cleanse her. And, while she may have gotten a toe or elbow smudged here or there when Christ looks at her He sees his own shed blood. Love her. Make it a decision. And, as God honors that decision it will turn into genuine and deep emotional love of the kind that CARES for her well-being.

Take heart at what SkiGirl said about Dr. Leaf's DVDs, this truly is just the kind of resource that you need right now... so that you can change your fear thinking into faith thinking and quit living a defeated life and start living an abundant life full of love, peace and joy. You both need the RENEWED minds that are so close for you to reach when you understand how to let God transform your mind in His Holy Spirit.

Here is a short prayer that I believe will radically change your life as you pray it every day.

Lord, I ask you right now to begin moving me closer and closer to the very center of your will and that <<wife>> will be moved closer and closer to your will for her. I will praise your name and your goodness as I grow in my love and devotion to you... for you are Worthy of Honor and Glory and Praise. I love you Lord.



buckifn -> RE: At the end of my resources (4/17/2008 3:39:00 PM)

I would just like to encourage you by saying it is a very joyful thing to realize you are at the end of your resources...that means you are finally ready to realize you can't work it out and give it all to God. We so often give things to God, but take them right back...Cast your cares on Him and leave them there.

pray with your spouse daily, commit your marriage to God and wait on Him to guide you.

I would also recommend you find another godly man to fellowship with...how close are you with your pastor?



UBarW -> RE: At the end of my resources (4/17/2008 5:45:48 PM)

To all of you on this thread...

I am in a similar situation as the starter of this thread... I came to this site looking for guidance. I am so moved by the love and concern of all here. For janidhiro who loves his wife and needs her, for those who have responded.

I have been working on how to phrase my situation, to lift it up for guidance. Reading this has helped me, by knowing that I am not alone in my concerns, that I am not alone in the hope for a better day, and by knowing that there are so many good people out there...

janidhiro, I will pray for you and your family.



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