I can't seem to heal from his infidelity (Full Version)

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spitfire -> I can't seem to heal from his infidelity (4/14/2008 1:05:59 AM)

I'm 22 years old and will have been married three years this coming July. Last May, my husband confessed to me of having had sex with one of our friends several months prior, and then texting explicit pictures to them the night before his confession. He told me he didn't love her, never had, that he's always loved only me, but that night he had sex with her he was so mad at God he just wanted to do something wrong. He didn't have an explanation for the pictures. Long story short, I forgave him, he did some counseling (though we haven't done couples counseling; it's pretty much impossible with our work schedules) and I felt like we were really healing. He was sweeter, gentler, and kinder after that, much like he had been before we even got married (I suppose cheating made him rough, as he was before his confession).

Lately, though, I've been having a hard time. Life seems to have settled back into routine as much as possible (barely a month after his confession, we found out I was pregnant; she just turned two months old), but for me it hasn't. Every time he acts a little strange, I find myself wondering if there's something I don't know. I miss the way I could love him with total abandon, without suspicion. The smallest things make me jump out of my skin, and I'm so afraid of him falling again. I told him if it ever happened again, I would leave, and I wasn't coming back. I hate living in fear, but it seems to have me totally entrapped. I want to love my husband like I did before, without reservations, without holding back, without always wondering when the next time he'll hurt me is.

I love him so much. I'm just so afraid. Advice?



maddog4god -> RE: I can't seem to heal from his infidelity (4/14/2008 6:22:29 AM)

Infidelity is a tough thing to deal with on a "good day" You are coming up on the one year anniversary of when you found out that is a tough time frame (not unusual for anger to follow). Your idea of a perfect world has been turned upside down.

You can not trust your spouse behind your pain, but you can trust God. Instead of looking at and towards your husband to fix this - look towards God. Every time those feelings creep up on you, remind yourself to pray - he is your provider and will meet all your needs.

journalling may also help as a way to sort our your feelings and what not.

I am truly sorry you find yourself here.



mary0965 -> RE: I can't seem to heal from his infidelity (4/14/2008 7:48:49 AM)

Spitfire

Go to the thread "How Do I Put Adultery In The Past" - it's long but there are a lot of people there going throught he same thing you have or are - it's a tough road but hopefully some of the inspirational and success stories will help.



moonbeam87 -> RE: I can't seem to heal from his infidelity (4/14/2008 8:56:31 AM)

When calamity falls on a marrige im always curious as to how long the couple dated before tying the knot. If you married him quickly when infatuation was in the air, it's possible you may have overlooked his flaws... Length of courtship is no guarantee however, someone could date someone for years and they could still exhibit horrible behavior like this, but rule of thumb is people tend to be on their best behavior when you first date them, but they can't keep that facade up forever. In my "personal" opinion you should date someone atleast 2 years before considering marriage, because that's how long infatuation lasts.

quote:

but that night he had sex with her he was so mad at God he just wanted to do something wrong


That's scary; He didn't fall into sin, he "deliberately" wanted to lash out at God because he was mad at him?

What he did sounds very impulsive. Does he have a history of being impulsive? Does he have a history of cheating in prior relationships? (that would speak of his character)

And what were the circumstances surrounding the confession. Did he tell you this because he was caught? (not a good sign) Did he seem sorry or defensive.

quote:

Every time he acts a little strange, I find myself wondering if there's something I don't know. I miss the way I could love him with total abandon, without suspicion. The smallest things make me jump out of my skin, and I'm so afraid of him falling again
\

The way you feel is totally natural. Trust has to be earned it isn't given for granted. When he betrayed you like that it destroyed your trust and now you wonder well, if he had the guts to do something like that once, will he do it again? There is a saying "past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior."

If you can put his infidelity behind you I think you will be okay. If you can't get over it and everytime you look at him you feel suspicious and hurt--that's no way to live--and you will probably be forever miserable. And without trust you can never be free to love someone. If you can't trust him it would probably be best to move on.

How do you get over something like this? Well think about whether he has done things that would make you trust him.

Biblically you do have grounds for divorce--he committed adultery and broke your vows. You're still young--don't think you have to play the matyr and put up with something like this. Me personally--if my husband betrayed me like that I would leave him and move on. I would never be able to look at him the same way.



Liveloved -> RE: I can't seem to heal from his infidelity (4/14/2008 9:43:56 AM)

quote:

The smallest things make me jump out of my skin, and I'm so afraid of him falling again. I told him if it ever happened again, I would leave, and I wasn't coming back. I hate living in fear, but it seems to have me totally entrapped. I want to love my husband like I did before, without reservations, without holding back, without always wondering when the next time he'll hurt me is.

I love him so much. I'm just so afraid. Advice?


You've put yourself in a very tough place, spitfire. I'm sorry you've been hurt (no blame here). A trust violation is tough. But by your saying "if it ever happens again, I'm leaving", you've placed a HUGE burden on your shoulders that you are now carrying. It is THAT burden that is weighing you down.

That statement, that thought, that threat is NOT love. The Lord is allowing the weight of that to bear down on you in such a way as to make it painful for you so that you will give it up, release it, and surrender to Him.

Your husband's fidelity is NOT your responsibility. It is his.

You are being trained in what love is. Love is believing the best. Love is not self concerned (as in concern re: being hurt or having broken trust) but puts the concerns of the other first (your husband).

Love your husband. (Read I Cor 13 or Phil 2 to remind yourself of what true love, Jesus style love is and does.) And give up the burden of your husband to the husband of your soul, Jesus. Pray for your husband and ask the Lord to carry this burden. He will.

Bless you.[:)]



spitfire -> RE: I can't seem to heal from his infidelity (4/14/2008 1:25:30 PM)

Liveloved, I think you are right. What you said struck me. I hadn't thought of it that way before.

Moonbeam, we didn't date for very long before we were engaged (about six months) and we were engaged for nine months. Whether you regard that period of time as short or not, I dont' know, but I can assure you the infatuation wasn't a problem for me at that point. I was aware of his flaws. He had a tendency toward impulsivity in the beginning, but it has slowed to nothing now. And he was very sorry, not in the least defensive. No matter what I said to him when he first told me, he didn't try to defend himself or his actions. And no, I didn't catch him. He told me of his own volition. I realize I have grounds for divorce, realized that the moment he told me, and I'm young and fairly attractive, but I WANT to work this out. I don't want to divorce him. Despite it all, he is truly a good man, and an excellent father. I dont' plan on playing the martyr.

What I need most is advice on how you move past the fear and mistrust into learning to heal and love fully again.



Ellie-Mae -> RE: I can't seem to heal from his infidelity (4/14/2008 1:35:56 PM)

You need to both go to marriage counseling. I would be honest with him... You love him and want to be able to love him with abandon again, but the wounds from the infidelity aren't going away the way you wish that they would, and you don't know how to handle it. You would like help getting back that trust in your marriage that you once had.

Don't make it about him so much (although he is obviously a part of the issue), make about you needing help getting through this and also needing his support.

ETA: I might even go so far as to tell him that you would like a fresh beginning and tell him that you would like to take back the ultimatum as you don't want words hanging over the two of you (esp. when he seems repentant and hopefully won't be that stupid again). If such things happen, they wil have to, of course be seriously addressed and dealt with, but that you don't want to hold him in place with a threat. You want him to do the right thing out his devotion to God and you and not because of an ultimatum.

Ultimatums aren't always bad, so please pray about that. These are just ideas to consider.



karlie -> RE: I can't seem to heal from his infidelity (4/14/2008 1:39:30 PM)

I think going to counseling together is vital at this point. I personally would do whatever I had to do to make that happen. I know schedules can be tight, but if the salvation of your marriage and bringing back full trust is to be gained, it's worth whatever you have to do to schedule that.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: I can't seem to heal from his infidelity (4/14/2008 4:37:08 PM)

spitfire - i am sorry for your pain. i've been in your shoes before and it sucks. i had a really tough time trying to recover. dr harley's surviving an affair is a great book for you and also your husband too. you can probably even find it at your library. it's okay to hurt and to grieve. however at some point it needs to truly go into the past. that is soooo much easier said than done as you know and i'm not even sure if you said he apologized to you (not all wayward spouses do). nonetheless, somehow you truly need to make a choice to put it in the past or it can hurt your present marriage. and no, it's not fair and maybe the hardest thing you'll do. i'll be praying for you and your family.



jaimestarcross -> RE: I can't seem to heal from his infidelity (4/14/2008 5:16:36 PM)

quote:

I told him if it ever happened again, I would leave, and I wasn't coming back. I hate living in fear, but it seems to have me totally entrapped. I want to love my husband like I did before, without reservations, without holding back, without always wondering when the next time he'll hurt me is.

I love him so much. I'm just so afraid. Advice?


* I understand you are hurting and said that to keep him in line. But the truth is... you didn't leave the first time he cheated... and now there's a baby in the picture.
The other thing is you aren't in reconciling mode yet... you have a lot of hurt and that needs to be dealt with --- Please seek counseling ASAP!
Re-arrange the work schedules so you two can get in marriage counseling - save the marriage even if it means finding another job so you two can be counseled as a couple.



moonbeam87 -> RE: I can't seem to heal from his infidelity (4/14/2008 5:41:10 PM)

quote:

he was very sorry, not in the least defensive. No matter what I said to him when he first told me, he didn't try to defend himself or his actions. And no, I didn't catch him. He told me of his own volition.


Ok, that's a good thing. He seems more credibly sorry and repentent since he wasn't being defensive and he came right out and told you. You still didn't mention whether or not this is the first time he's ever cheated though.

quote:

I hate living in fear, but it seems to have me totally entrapped. I want to love my husband like I did before, without reservations, without holding back, without always wondering when the next time he'll hurt me is.


Has he given you any reasons lately not to trust him?

I notice you mention "fear" a lot and you say you are afraid of losing him. I think you need to somehow develop the confident mindset that "you can live without him;" that your husband is there because " you want him to be," not because "you are insecure and you need him to feel complete because if he isn't you'll just die!" Have your own interests and hobbies, don't make him the center of your universe--that isn't healthy. If he does cheat realize that isn't the end of the world. Just think, "I'm a wonderful woman and if he can't see that, because he ignores my feelings "that's his loss, he doesn't deserve me."



Liveloved -> RE: I can't seem to heal from his infidelity (4/14/2008 7:06:21 PM)

quote:

What I need most is advice on how you move past the fear and mistrust into learning to heal and love fully again.


Then grow in your relationship with Jesus, your true lover. He will heal your hurts and be the love in you that your husband needs. He will also cast out the fear that is plaguing you. Surrender more and more to Jesus and LOVE Him and watch and pray as He works in you and your marriage. Bless you.

Seek out a godly encourager---an older, married woman to help you by speaking truth to you too![:)]



whisper -> RE: I can't seem to heal from his infidelity (4/23/2008 4:34:48 AM)

Spitfire!!

I haven't been around Crosswalk very much in the past few years, but I do remember you, and I remember your kind spirit, your wisdom, your wit, and your fire for life. And that was in the Teens folder. I've been lurking around the Marriage folder because I have been dating a man for 2 years and may one day be married to him. I am very sorry to hear about the infidelity in your marriage, though I'm glad that you've been seeking Godly counsel in moving forward and rebuilding and learning to love.

Having never been married, I have no counsel for you. But know that I will say a prayer for you, friend.



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