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[Poll]
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Pre-marital counseling
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| Yes-We thought it necessary |
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| Yes-It was required |
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| No-Not available |
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| No-We did Not think it necessary |
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| No-It was not required/mentioned |
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| We thought it helpful |
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| We did Not find it helpful |
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| We recommend it |
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| We would not recommend it |
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Total Votes : 112
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(last vote on : 5/30/2008 1:02:12 PM)
(Poll will run till: -- )
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/23/2008 7:38:47 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 3837
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
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I wish we had it available but 30 years ago no one had ever heard of such a thing.
It (had it been done correctly) would have saved us years of struggle by uncovering her being sexually abused and healing those wounds and negative attitudes BEFORE we walked down the aisle.
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/24/2008 2:20:51 PM
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DaveW
Posts: 3837
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
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I am very leery of those who have it available and do not want to take it or are dragged to it kicking and screaming.
I would suggest that (excluding the situation where the counselor(s) cannot be trusted) to react negatively is a sign that your heart is not right. It might be pride (I don't need that) or a delusion (love will keep us together) or an overdeveloped sense of privacy (they don't need to know THAT) which is just another form of pride. So what if you get a little embarressed over a few things that come out? If it strengthens your marriage is that not worth it?
No matter how much you are in love, no matter how "compatable" you are, marriage takes a lot of work. Counseling (if done right) will give you recources to make that work easier and focused on where you need it most.
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/24/2008 5:48:27 PM
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Auben
Posts: 1590
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Where pines tower and cranberries float
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My answer is very similar to Tricia's and Stellaluna's.
Yes, I thought it was necessary.
No, I didn't think it was helpful.
Yes, I would recommend it.
Other than a quiz which flagged areas of possible disagreement the rest of the sessions were handing us a Kevin Lehmann (I think) video and trying to make us discuss the last Kevin Lehmann video. My fiance (now dh) would not watch the things. When I made him he fell asleep. I also found them boring, obvious, and silly.
Now one of my roommate's in college had counseling with a trained counselor/minister and that was great stuff. They went into details about chores, ideas, plans, beliefs. It was very detailed and very much like seeing a counselor. I wish I kept some of her worksheets because were really cool.
I wish there was more information for pastor's about this subject. Maybe there is now.
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~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/24/2008 8:27:27 PM
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sharonjef2007
Posts: 900
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DaveW
I am very leery of those who have it available and do not want to take it or are dragged to it kicking and screaming.
I would suggest that (excluding the situation where the counselor(s) cannot be trusted) to react negatively is a sign that your heart is not right. It might be pride (I don't need that) or a delusion (love will keep us together) or an overdeveloped sense of privacy (they don't need to know THAT) which is just another form of pride. So what if you get a little embarressed over a few things that come out? If it strengthens your marriage is that not worth it?
No matter how much you are in love, no matter how "compatable" you are, marriage takes a lot of work. Counseling (if done right) will give you recources to make that work easier and focused on where you need it most.
I don't think the counselors/ministers need to know our answers to some questions. It is fine to have the couple do work on their own. That person is not going to be there day in and day out during the marriage. So the couple needs to learn to talk to each other about that stuff.
I like it when the counselor/minister gives the couple "homework." It is the couple's responsibility to prepare for marriage, not a ministers.
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/25/2008 7:58:09 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 3837
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sharonjef2007
I don't think the counselors/ministers need to know our answers to some questions. It is fine to have the couple do work on their own. That person is not going to be there day in and day out during the marriage. So the couple needs to learn to talk to each other about that stuff. I have no qualms about homework. Absolutely necessary.
However, somewhere between 25% and 30% of brides come to the marriage with a history of sexual abuse (and that is in the protestant and evangelical church) as do 20-25% of the grooms. Porn addictions inflict a majority of young men and many young women as well. These are NOT something that can be worked thru on your own or with your future spouse. You need a properly trained counselor and a firm grasp on biblical principles to get past that junk; and that needs to be done BEFORE you get married.
That is just one example. There may also be issues of physical abuse, substance addictions, spiritual abuses and addictions; bad doctrines, unbiblical attitudes toward authority, finances, social responsibilities, etc.
While it is true that the counselors and pastors may not be there at 3 am on some Wednesday when you have a major blowup, properly trained counselors/pastors will have given you already the tools to be able to settle it yourselves.
< Message edited by DaveW -- 4/25/2008 8:04:45 AM >
_____________________________
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/25/2008 8:20:05 AM
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YZGUY
Posts: 263
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Some Pastors take it pretty hard when the counsel couples, marry them, and then later on thee couples get divorced. There is a sense of failure (though, realize it's the couples responsibility to work on their marriage) because certain issues were not talked about before hand or discovered. The issues about something not being the Pastor's or counselor's business (agreeing with DaveW), shows some level of anger and possible guilt, or a family history of keeping all things private. The Pastor or counselor (hopefully) is not asking these questions (like your physical relationship) for his own curiosity, but that you approach marriage correctly, getting rid of sin, and entering into marriage God's way. He is responsible to God to explore all areas and to do all he can to help you. He is for you. Therefore, I believe it is his business, because his business will take him B4 the throne of God where he will answer for his actions and motives. He is responsible for the spiritual care for the flock and your relationship with your fiance is part of that care. If he is just asking for curiosity sake, then his motives are not right and it would not be his business.
When I did pre-marital counseling, the pastor asked my fiance (now wife) about our physical relationship. I too was angry about that, saying the same thing - not his business. We answered vaguely, with some anger inside, but knew that this was because we went further than we should have - it was anger stemming from guilt. So, my heart was not right in this area. He didn't ask for details (which I thought was right) and we didn't volunteer any, but he did ask us if we were having pre-marital sex, which we were not. He then explained more about how God views sex and physical intimacy and God's intended purpose for sex and the reasons why it is important to follow Him in our physical relationship. Looking back, I appreciate his care and concern for us to follow God's plan for our lives and relationship - knowing that this is what he cared about, as our shepherd. 
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/25/2008 9:49:35 AM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 878
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
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Though I can understand it, I am sometimes curious why couples have such a difficult time with the idea of counseling or classes. I know couples who say it's not necessary and want to "learn by doing" and face their challenges together when they come. They also feel no outside help or guidance is necessary.
Yet these same couples take parenting classes to prepare for having children or classes to help with their finances. Isn't anything that helps deal with life's challenges beneficial?
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/25/2008 10:10:58 AM
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laura...
Posts: 2712
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DaveW
I wish we had it available but 30 years ago no one had ever heard of such a thing.
It (had it been done correctly) would have saved us years of struggle by uncovering her being sexually abused and healing those wounds and negative attitudes BEFORE we walked down the aisle.
It is very unlikely that her history of sexual abuse would have come out in premarital counseling. And, even if it had, her issues would not have been "healed" in premarital counseling.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/25/2008 11:19:12 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 3837
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
Status: online
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quote:
It is very unlikely that her history of sexual abuse would have come out in premarital counseling. And, even if it had, her issues would not have been "healed" in premarital counseling. Our current sr pastor (who also has an independant acredited biblical counseling ministry) has an extensive questionare covering every possible sexual angle that each fill out during premarital counseling. Not just history but delves into deep attitudes, etc. It has many questions like "How will you respond if your husband/wife asks for xxxxxxx?" or "How will you react if you ask for xxxx and your spouse refuses?"
He will not approve the wedding until that stuff is all dealt with. Couples coming to him must NOT have a set date beforehand because he cannot tell how long the counseling will take.
BTW, none of that stuff is discussed with the fiancee. Both are given the files with his or his wife's (who handles the brides) notes at the wedding to take and discuss during the honeymoon.
< Message edited by DaveW -- 4/25/2008 11:26:22 AM >
_____________________________
Avatar is Saphira 5 months and Louvena at 23 months!
We are now grandparents TWICE!!
====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/25/2008 11:52:34 AM
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laura...
Posts: 2712
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DaveW
quote:
It is very unlikely that her history of sexual abuse would have come out in premarital counseling. And, even if it had, her issues would not have been "healed" in premarital counseling. Our current sr pastor (who also has an independant acredited biblical counseling ministry) has an extensive questionare covering every possible sexual angle that each fill out during premarital counseling. Not just history but delves into deep attitudes, etc. It has many questions like "How will you respond if your husband/wife asks for xxxxxxx?" or "How will you react if you ask for xxxx and your spouse refuses?"
I was sexually abused as a child. I can tell you that 30 years ago (when I married my first husband) there is absolutely no way I could have answered those questions with any degree of accuracy. The full impact of the sexual abuse hadn't surfaced yet. I also would have lied through my teeth (and done a good job of it) to keep any hint of the abuse hidden if the Holy Spirit hadn't already gotten on my case about revealing it to my then fiance.
I think a really good question to ask the groom in premarital counseling would be, "How do you think you would react if you were to find out that your future wife was sexually abused?" Of course, I'm not sure anyone could accurately answer that one either.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/25/2008 7:56:22 PM
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dradynsmom
Posts: 99
Joined: 4/12/2007
Status: online
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Marriage consuling was required but we also thought it was nessesary. We thought it did alot of good because it asked questions that we really hadn't thought of. We recommend to all engaged couples.
Stephanie
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/28/2008 8:49:21 PM
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Karaboo2
Posts: 1736
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
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Our premarital counselling was basically a two hour session in the pastor's office where he spewed all of the statistics about marriages ending in divorce, etc. And because we couldn't think of the word 'communication' he said our marriage would end in divorce before our first anniversary!! (we had used the term open dialogue, etc) Here we are 8 years and (almost) 5 children later ... still going strong!!! (BTW, we switched churches right after the wedding ... didn't think it prudent to stay under the guidance of someone who was looking for us to fail, instead of helping us to succeed)
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I thought a thought, but the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I'd thought. So then I thought when I think a think, I'll write it down in pen and ink.
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 5/25/2008 10:37:31 PM
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Loud-N-Proud
Posts: 54
Joined: 3/27/2006
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Well after talking and being stressed over this whole thing. My FH and I went and talked to our pastor! We got him to agree to let us split up and My FH go to him and I go to his wife! I think it worked out ok! I get along better with his wife than him! I couldn't see myself taking advice on how to be a Godly wife from a man! Well I still can't stand the sessions I find comfort in just talking to her!
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 5/25/2008 11:26:34 PM
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babbred
Posts: 568
Joined: 5/5/2005
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My husband and I had a long-distance relationship, so it wasn't really an option for us. We were older, though, and so worked through the important issues on our own. If you live in the same city or happen to be a younger couple, then I would highly reccommend it. Too many couples, even Christians, enter marriage with rosy glasses and think that love will solve everything. That's probably why Christians have a divorce rate that's almost as high as the world's. 
As for sexual abuse, from what I've seen and heard, most standard marital counseling wouldn't uncover that. Even if it did, such a traumatic event would probably require far deeper counseling to help with it.
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 5/26/2008 2:07:45 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1502
Joined: 9/26/2007
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We got premarital counseling, but didn't take it seriously. We should have, and some of the stuff we "knew" bit us because we blundered anyway.
Some other things were a problem in our marriage that totally took us by surprise, and perhaps could have be waved off if the counseling had covered it: our expectations of marriage being like our parents' marriages. Hoo, that was a big one. And not talking because there was a three year old between us... we should have hired a babysitter once a week, but just stuffed it instead. We're just now dealing with stuff as our kid goes off to college. Dumb.
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 5/26/2008 3:53:50 PM
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DenimDiva
Posts: 6076
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: CA
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We (my soon to be ex) did not think it was necessary, so we didn't do it.
I wanted to and would recommend it to anyone.
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