Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (Full Version)

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Keabird -> Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/10/2008 9:24:44 PM)

Hi all, been a while since I posted in this forum.

Some of you know some of the history, and that my hubby POSSIBLY has Aspergers. He does not believe so.

There is an issue that I am finding really difficult to handle and would appreciate feedback.

My hubby, although a Christian, does not like my 15 yr old daughter having friends over (has never liked my kids having friends over.) He can handle it for short periods, such as an afternoon, sometimes a night (always with a moan) but it is obvious to me that he would rather they did not come at all. In fact, it is obvious to me that he would prefer my daughter not to be here either, although he won't say so. But he shows his relief when she goes to stay with a friend.

She is a good kid, really very little trouble at all. Sometimes her friends' parents allow her to stay, so I feel it is only fair to sometimes have their kids over. It is no bother to me at all. They are all very well behaved kids.

Now, a girl's parent has asked me if we can board his daughter for 2 weeks later in May, while he goes to visit his wife overseas who is studying there for a year. I told him I would have to check with hubby. Spoke with hubby and got a VERY negative reaction.

There is no physical reason why we cannot have her here except that hubby just doesn't want her here. I find this really hard to take, since we are both Christians, and I am also very embarrassed by his attitude. I asked him to think about it, so am waiting for his answer.

Oh - an important note - his kids' friends are made welcome. None of his kids live with us, but when they do come, they are made to feel welcome, andhe has also invited his son's friends to weekend away stuff with his hobby. My kids' friends are not made to feel welcome. He is polite, sometimes not even quite that, but that's about it.

How do you think I should approach this? To me, hospitality is a given for Christians, especially when there is no real reason why they shouldn't be made welcome. When I pointed that out though, he just got annoyed and said "don't play the God card". I'm not trying to play a "God card", I just can't understand why he treats other people like this.

Sherri



pbaribeault -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/10/2008 9:36:31 PM)

I'm wondering if his difficulty might be more about living closely with young females who are not related to him - rather than being about general inhospitality or a double-standard within your blended family. Are your daughter's friends perhaps nice looking young women?

In any case, I'd definitely respect his discomforts and his boundaries in this area. In my opinion, it's fine to say, "I'm sorry, my husband is just not comfortable spending that much time around young women who are growing up. I wish we could help you, but it would just be too close of quarters."



YZGUY -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/10/2008 9:45:50 PM)

Good points pb -

Also, do we assume that his kids are boys? Perhaps his role is clearer with the boys, showing them how to do guy things, being the man and all that. He may not be sure what to do with the girls, if anything, or what his role should be (as is often the case in blended families). Maybe if he was the griller or active in serving them or cooking for them, to do things for them behind the scenes but w/o and uncomfortable interaction. Just some thoughts.



jaimestarcross -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/11/2008 1:12:17 AM)

There are some questions you need to ask your husband and the one about why he doesn't have a problem with his children and their friends staying over is definitely one I'd be bringing up!

*I wouldn't entertain having another child staying in your home until the matter of him not wanting your daughter or her friends around is resolved.



Hislittleone -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/11/2008 1:36:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pbaribeault

I'm wondering if his difficulty might be more about living closely with young females who are not related to him - rather than being about general inhospitality or a double-standard within your blended family. Are your daughter's friends perhaps nice looking young women?

In any case, I'd definitely respect his discomforts and his boundaries in this area. In my opinion, it's fine to say, "I'm sorry, my husband is just not comfortable spending that much time around young women who are growing up. I wish we could help you, but it would just be too close of quarters."


I agree with this except I wouldn't tell the parents that my husband isn't comfortable being around young women. I'd just say, "I'm sorry but it's not going to work out for us to keep (insert child's name)". I'm a somewhat private person and wouldn't want anyone other than my husband and children to live with me for 2 weeks. Fortunately my husband is the same way. [:D] (Of course if someone had a great need for help we would take that into consideration but that isn't the case in this situation.)

But it sounds like there could be several issues going on here.



mbgb -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/11/2008 6:28:21 AM)

Keabird,
Pbaribeault brings up an interesting point. I've mentioned before, I sometimes think my husband has Asperger's. I also found interesting the point mentioned earlier about the fact that he may not be able to relate to young ladies. If he has Asperger's...the second could definitely more likely be the case. Aspies tend to be traditionally "manly" and not very emotionally able to "connect" which is how women often connect in general. And also they are very straightforward, with very little inflection in their tone of voice. So, i've had to watch out for that with my husband, I kind of ignore my innate human nature to pay attention to voice tone and body language, because he has nearly none of this. He could just be telling you how he feels, but is not able to expand on it, so it just comes across as harsh. I'm sure you have probably dealt with all of these issues, but maybe me reminding can offer a little relief hopefully. :)

But if it has nothing to do with Asperger's, and he doesn't want give you any information as to why he doesn't want your daughter's friends over, if it were me, I'd definitely have to find out a good reason. I've found with my husband when he's so difficult, it's good to catch him when we're in a regular routine type of situation, and speak in a low, soft tone and I can get pretty much anything out of him. I'd ask your husband why he doesn't want your daughter's friends over. If he doesn't answer, I'd just have them over anyway to be honest. Those people need a place for their daughter to stay and it's the right thing to do in my opinion to have her over. Explain to your husband that she will be staying for 2 weeks, it's only appropriate for y'all to keep her since they do so much for your daughter, and it will only be for 2 weeks, and you hope you and he can make the best of it. After this situation, if he was really mean towards your guest, I'd probably in the future try to tell others that it probably isn't best if their children come over for an extended time.

Hope that helps a little bit!



CarlaJames -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/11/2008 10:38:07 AM)

Let me ask you this...Do you spend a lot of time with your daughter or her friends? Maybe he is jealous.
I had a friend in a similar situation. When her teens where around (or her teen's friends) she spent a lot of time haning out with them, going out to eat, to the movies, things like that. The kids loved having her around with them, but her husband hated them getting all the attention while he got none. He started to hold it against the kids and didn't like for anyone to come around.
Maybe he needs extra attention when they kids are around.



legalnicki -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/11/2008 10:47:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pbaribeault

In my opinion, it's fine to say, "I'm sorry, my husband is just not comfortable spending that much time around young women who are growing up. I wish we could help you, but it would just be too close of quarters."


I would definitely *NOT* say this. At best it makes him sound a little creepy, and at worst it makes him sound like some kind of pervert.



legalnicki -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/11/2008 10:51:21 AM)

I wanted to add that I am a SAHM to 2 (7 and 11), and I don't like having other kids over, either (but the kids do anyways). For me, there are 2 issues. One, all the clutter in the house embarasses me. That's easy enough to fix, though. Two, the noise issue. I really just can't handle the extra noise.



Keabird -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/11/2008 11:52:03 PM)

Wow there is some good food for thought here. Some I guess I was kind of aware of but didn't take too seriously, as I really didn't think that many people were like that, but seems lots don't like extra people around! [:)]

My hubby has a girl in her early 20s and two older teen boys. He has ALWAYS coped better with his boys than his daughter, and yes, loves doing "man" stuff with his sons. But while he loves his girl, their relationship is sadly lacking in togetherness respects.

It's not so much that he feels uncomfortable around young women, but more that he can't handle the "giggling" and texting etc. I do keep a tight rein on that, but he still moans.

Hubby does sometimes resent me spending a lot of time with my kids (my kids and I are all very close) so I do make it a priority to spread the time, with hubby getting the lion's share.

Well, he did get back to me and said he would accept her coming, but asked me to put strict rules in place about no giggling after 9.30pm etc, and no loud stereos banging. I would have done that anyway, as there is only so much I can cope with too! [:)]

The general attitude still bothers me though - it's a very negative one, and definitely only directed at my family. His friends and family are treated like kings and queens.

Oh well. I am praying about it all. Thanks for the feedback - was very helpful!



shadowspring -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/12/2008 10:13:03 AM)

Well, we're all growing, Keabird! [:)] I think all of us handle growing up in the Lord about the same as your dh is handing this "growth" situation.

First we say "NO". [:(]

Then we say "YES, but I'm not happy about it!"[&:]

Finally, "YES! I delight to do your will Father. You always know what's best!" [:D]



ladyingrace1979 -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/14/2008 1:57:45 PM)

I'm just going to make a general comment here. It seems a bit presumptuous of anyone to ask a non-family member to board their child for 2 weeks. Just me, but I wouldn't dream of asking something like that. So I think your husband is being really good about it. One thought though, what happens if a week into this, he gets overwhelmed with it and just can't handle it? Where is this young lady going to go?

As far as the family issues it does sound like all of you need to sit down with a Christian councelor and sort this out. It needs to be a neutral setting and really should be resolved.

Just my little thoughts, I hope this all works out for you guys,
Kim Q



Keabird -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/15/2008 3:45:39 AM)

Thanks for responding Kim. [:)]

For reasons I won't go into, a counselor is not the answer for our marriage.

I admit am surprised at the number of people who aren't willing to have someone's child to stay like this for very long. My first response in my own life was, would Jesus take this girl in? And I believe He would. As said, there is no physical reason why we can't. We have a big house, the girls will be at school during the day, and we have plenty to eat etc. My husband has his own "den" (and a large one it is too with his computer and TV) where he goes to retreat from everyone. So I don't see any real reason why this should be so hard.

I have known this girl and her dad for a while now, and they have my daughter over there to stay the night often at weekends. So I don't feel it is presumptuous for him to ask this of us. His wife is overseas doing a special course, and he wants to go and stay with her for 2 weeks. The least I can do is return his kindness by taking care of his girl for that time.

One of the things I struggle with in regard to hubby about this is that he gladly takes advantage of the offers of other people to have my daughter to stay overnight with her friends, but he resents doing anything similar in return. AS or not, I think that is just selfishness.

It does add a certain amount of strain to me too having an extra teen in the house, but hey, it's only 2 weeks! If I can do it, surely others can too?

Sherri



YZGUY -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/15/2008 8:27:26 AM)

Sometimes it is also more of an anxiety / control thing, too. "If my world around me is (quiet, subdued, clean) and people around me do as I wish, then I am happy. If it is not, then I am anxious, angry, etc." To some extent, we all have this and are like this. We want what we want when we want it - It's a sinful nature - pride thing. Like saying "Others exist for my happiness." Who will save me from the wretch that I am - Thanks be to Jesus Christ!

Kudos to your hubby for agreeing. You might want to "reward" him in his den while the girls are giggling somewhere else[;)]



Eliana -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/15/2008 9:44:51 AM)

I agree with you, Sherri, that this is a reasonable expect from this father, especially considering he has hosted your daughter before. It's a pity that your husband doesn't see it the same way.

I don't really have any advice for you, but am just praying that you're able to work this out and that your husband will be able to see the double standard.



ladyingrace1979 -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/16/2008 1:49:40 PM)

Staying over night or even a weekend is one thing, 2 weeks seems a bit much to me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do it if asked, I'm saying I probably wouldn't ask.

As far as would Jesus do it, I'm going to say maybe. You are basing this on loving your neighbor, practicing hospitality. My thought is that we as wives are also called to honor our husbands. So I know this is an issue for my husband, right or wrong it is an issue. I'm not the Holy Spirit I can't change him. Am I honoring my husband by allowing this?

On a related note, why doesn't this man take his daughter with him? If she is the girls mother I would think she would want to go?

Once again I'm commenting as an outsider looking in.
Kim Q



DenimDiva -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/16/2008 2:12:17 PM)

I wouldn't have a problem at all with one of my dd's friends spending a few weeks with us. I would be thrilled that the parents of the other child would let me have that priviledge. However, since your dh isn't comfortable with it, you'll be better off sticking to his boundaries on this one. I would just tell the other parents that you are sorry it won't work out with out giving a reason. If they ask why then you could explain that it's a private family matter and has nothing to do with their dd.



Keabird -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/16/2008 9:13:01 PM)

quote:

My thought is that we as wives are also called to honor our husbands. So I know this is an issue for my husband, right or wrong it is an issue. I'm not the Holy Spirit I can't change him. Am I honoring my husband by allowing this?


Of course wives aren't the Holy Spirit and can't change how our husbands think. But we should be allowed to say what we think and why we think it, to our husbands. [:)] As for honouring, this is one of many, many similar incidents. Ultimately, I need to honour God first. I did honour hubby in that I asked him if we could do it, and asked him to think about it, and he eventually came back with a yes, for which I am very grateful. I would have been very embarrassed to have to tell this kind family that I could not help them, when they can see enough to know there is no reason not to - don't ask me why - just believe they know us well enough! [:)]

I don't belong to the "wives must submit no matter what their husbands ask" category. I believe we are to honour God ahead of our husbands, and a Godly husband will not ask a wife to do something which is unkind. However, that is another discussion. [:)]

quote:


On a related note, why doesn't this man take his daughter with him? If she is the girls mother I would think she would want to go?

I would imagine she would. I haven't asked, as that is none of my business, but I would guess it has to do with expense. I live in NZ, the mother is in Hawaii which is VERY expensive to fly to from here. I guess they weighed up their options, as I would probably do too. But as said, I don't know, because I haven't asked, and don't plan on asking. [:)]



karlie -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/16/2008 10:09:38 PM)

quote:

In fact, it is obvious to me that he would prefer my daughter not to be here either, although he won't say so

How sad. I sure hope your daughter doesn't pick up on that and feel unwelcome in her own home.

I personally wouldn't ask any of my daugthers friends to stay over in that situation. It's not fair to a guest to invite them knowing someone doesn't want them there(and people will pick up on that). I wouldn't want my daughter invited anywhere where she wasn't completely welcomed by both parents because I know she would be uncomfortable. Also, since it is your husband's home, he does have the right not to want guests.



Ephesians4_32 -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/16/2008 10:23:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Keabird
It does add a certain amount of strain to me too having an extra teen in the house, but hey, it's only 2 weeks! If I can do it, surely others can too?

Sherri


I don't think I could do it even though it seems like it would be the right thing to do.



Keabird -> RE: Husband doesn't like kid visitors .. advice? (4/17/2008 4:01:13 AM)

Hmm...

I think I will have to stop here, as if I continue the discussion, I will end up saying more than I would like to about hubby.

Suffice it to say the girls are well aware of what hubby is like, and tolerate it for my daughter's sake.

As for him not wanting guests - that is where I must stop. [:)]

Thank you for the feedback all, it has been helpful.



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