Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (Full Version)

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aarw1969 -> Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/10/2008 2:58:01 PM)

Okay, we have been friends with this family at our church, well they have a son who likes playing with our son. Well my husband has been hiking with her and her son along with our son.

He says that they are our CHRISTIAN friends its no big deal. So I'm polling other Christians, would you feel like its okay for your husband or wife to go out along with children with another husband or wife?

My husband seems to think its no big deal, but my gut is telling me that he is filling some sort of something that she can't get in her marriage. They also have this way of picking on each other, kind of flirtatious and she doesn't do this with any of the other church spouse.

What is your opinion or advice?




Jenny-Fair -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/10/2008 3:07:03 PM)

Why don't you go hiking with them?

See, I had a friend, from childhood, who was married to a woman who, when he proposed to her, had just hiked up a mountain with him. However, she apparently still did not realize that outdoor activities meant a lot to him. As the years went by, she separated herself from his hobbies, and then of course, restricted his participation in them somewhat. When my boys were young and he saw that they needed a male influence in their life (his father had died when he was young, and my boys' dad had left when they were young) he offered to take them on various outings. Being someone who enjoys that sort of thing myself, I sometimes went along. Nothing inappropriate, just hiking, swimming at his mom's (his wife refused to swim), etc.

Eventually, though, even though I had known this man from the time I was TWELVE, a mutual attraction did develop (as is common when people spend time together enjoying things). Neither of us ever acted on it but his wife picked up on it and then we realized it (because she threw a fit and pointed it out--until then I think neither of us was willing to admit we felt anything beyond the friendship we'd always had), and our friendship was ended by mutual consent.

Nowadays, he doesn't get to go do the things he likes, because she won't let him. A lesser man would have left her long ago. But, a better woman would have gone hiking with her husband, and would have had nothing to worry about.




aarw1969 -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/10/2008 3:09:05 PM)

Jenny, I would but they conveniently go during the week while I'm at work and he husband is also at work. So that is part of the problem.




momma07 -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/10/2008 3:26:36 PM)

Mitzi:

I would serioously sit down with your husband and have a heart to heart. Just the fact that it bothers you should be enough for him to rethink whether it is wise to spend so much time with this other friend of the oposite sex. We have to be so careful to guard our hearts and our marriages. The Devil is alive and he comes like a roaring lion seeking who he may devour. He is attacking the very foundation of a healthy and moral society and that is family (marriages). As a wife that has gone through something similar as you (but was able to nip it in the butt)...act now don't wait. No matter how innocent he may say it is, for appearances sake he should be concerned. Just the appearance of anything inappropriate is not good. Please read this article (click on link)...share it with your husband. God bless and if you need to talk (I know exactly what you are going through) you can Pm me.

http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/avoiding-emotional-adultery-02-874.php




JimboFletch -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/10/2008 3:31:45 PM)

quote:

...No matter how innocent he may say it is, for appearances sake he should be concerned. Just the appearance of anything inappropriate is not good...

I was thinking the same thing.




Butterflytearz -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/10/2008 3:33:45 PM)

If it is an occassional hike like maybe once a year ,, I wouldn't worry to much,, since both your sons are along. But if it is regular hikes,, I would wonder what they could possibly have in common to talk about that much.

Ask you husband if they wouldn't mind going hiking on weekends so you could go along,,

If there is a problem better to face it head on than let it stew and grow bigger. Your husband and you need to talk.




aarw1969 -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/10/2008 3:39:42 PM)

We have, he thinks I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I've printed off scripture and continue to pray putting it in Gods hands.

Last night sent me over the edge. Our 14 yr old son has asthma he has been out of school all week. We have Bible Study on Wed. nights well I left him and my DH at home and went to the store, I get a call and DH has left to go to BS and left son at home, well he can stay there but what if something happened.

Then today they went hiking today. I feel like my trust is really in crisis.

How do you Pm, I need to do that thanks so much [&o]




lastblast -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/10/2008 4:19:08 PM)

Mitzi,

No it is NOT ok. A man who is truly focused on the Lord AND understands the workings of the flesh would KNOW this. Jenny gave a great example of what not to do when one is married. If your husband enjoys hiking, then he should find a MALE buddy to go hiking with.

As for mentoring children who need a father figure, that is fine, but the mother of the kids should not go along if that man is married. That is why so many affairs happen, because many will not guard their marriages and honor their spouses in the things they do.

Also, I do think it a good thing to do as many things together as a couple, as that breeds intimacy, yet we don't all like what the other does. My husband skydived when we first met. Sorry, I would NOT do that with him, nor would he expect me to. If I were into something like scrapbooking or such, I would NOT expect him to sit there with me and do it, if it were something he hated...............nor would I find a male companion to do it with me.

I hope your husband will acknowledge what he is doing is wrong and desire to spend time with you...........




buckifn -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/10/2008 6:21:07 PM)

Your husband is playing with fire and thinking for some reason he will be the one who can do that and will never get burned. Tell him to read the Proverbs and see what the Bible says on the subject.

You have more than enough reason to be concerned. If you already confronted your husband about it and he is not listening I think the next step would be have the pastor set up a meeting with all four of you and you lay it on the line about how this is affecting you.

I would NEVER under any circumstances put my marriage at risk in a situation such as you describe.




csl7037 -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/10/2008 7:08:26 PM)

I started a similar thread recently ("Where do you draw a line?") with a very similar issue with my dh. In our sitution it's a business deal that has them spending so much time together so I do think that's a little bit different. I trust my husband's intentions 100% I just don't know how much I can trust his judgement. He thinks only a certain kind of person cheats. I think that's naive. It's hard to question him on this, though, without coming across as accusatory or jealous.




SHIFT -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/10/2008 7:15:49 PM)

He should understand your concern and for the sake of your comfort should stop. If there is truly nothing going on, he should say "well if you say so, no biggie". If he has ulterior motives then he'll put up a fight to keep going.




csl7037 -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/10/2008 9:04:42 PM)

Check out the article "momma07" just linked over in my thread "Where do you draw the line?" It's a great article by Dennis Rainey that speaks to exactly this situation.




evryknee -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/10/2008 9:53:19 PM)

quote:

You have more than enough reason to be concerned. If you already confronted your husband about it and he is not listening I think the next step would be have the pastor set up a meeting with all four of you and you lay it on the line about how this is affecting you.


I agree, but just to have the meeting with you and your husband and the pastor. If he refuses to go, then meet with the pastor alone before bringing in the other couple.

Does anyone think it a good idea to talk directly to the Christian woman "friend?"




lightshineon -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/10/2008 10:55:45 PM)

No, it would not happen in my marriage, this is just me but would not feel alright with it.




granolagirl -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/11/2008 9:38:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: YZGUY

Does anyone think it a good idea to talk directly to the Christian woman "friend?"


OH YEAH! I would be the first one to do this. Of course, I'm the type of person that has no problem with confrontation even if it means I would lose this friend in the end. She's not a good friend anyway if she doesn't respect your marriage and have your best interests in mind.

That being said, I just want to add that I agree with the rest of the posters. It is NOT o.k. for him to be alone with her (regardless if the kids are there or not I would still consider this being alone). This is dangerous, looks bad, and is sending the wrong message to the kids.




momma07 -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/11/2008 11:29:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: granolagirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: YZGUY

Does anyone think it a good idea to talk directly to the Christian woman "friend?"


OH YEAH! I would be the first one to do this. Of course, I'm the type of person that has no problem with confrontation even if it means I would lose this friend in the end. She's not a good friend anyway if she doesn't respect your marriage and have your best interests in mind.

That being said, I just want to add that I agree with the rest of the posters. It is NOT o.k. for him to be alone with her (regardless if the kids are there or not I would still consider this being alone). This is dangerous, looks bad, and is sending the wrong message to the kids.



Yup...talk to her...




jaimestarcross -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/11/2008 12:01:26 PM)

It is inappropriate behavior and it's time to have a heart to heart with your spouse and this "friend" who's not respecting boundaries in marriages.

Since you've spoken to your husband about the matter and he has no problem with the week day hikes - I would call the minister and have him have set up a consultation with all parties involved because it's just too much at stake to allow this type of relationship to go on when the other spouse(or you) isn't there and these hikes are scheduled when you and the other friend's husband is at work.




campfan -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/11/2008 2:11:30 PM)

I know a couple of people who were really good Christian people and what started out as innocent ended up in an affair. It's not right and your husband should honor you enough to tell this woman to take a hike on her own. If you can't get through to your husband...then definately talk to the lady friend. Maybe she will understand as where your husband doesn't.




earthless -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/11/2008 2:16:44 PM)

Um... has anyone asked or brought up about what does the other woman's husband have to say about this? Does he know?

It's wrong.




car2ner -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/11/2008 2:17:59 PM)

This is why m'love and I have decided from the start, don't do anything with the opposite sex unless our spouse is going along, too. We both have been burnt and we both enjoy each other's company. We trust each other but we also know about tempation. If you have talked to her and to him and they both think they are fine, eeek. They can schedual these hikes for the weekend so that you can join. That seems very reasonable.




armydude -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/13/2008 9:33:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MitziRWhite

Jenny, I would but they conveniently go during the week while I'm at work and he husband is also at work. So that is part of the problem.
The word "conveniently" bothers me. It looks to me as though you've already decided that he's doing things the way he is so that you can't be a part of it. Have you tried to be a part of this? It seems as though hiking is something he enjoys, so why not mention that you'd like to go along with him sometime. You never know til you ask.




keepitreal -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/13/2008 12:23:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lastblast

Mitzi,

No it is NOT ok. A man who is truly focused on the Lord AND understands the workings of the flesh would KNOW this. Jenny gave a great example of what not to do when one is married. If your husband enjoys hiking, then he should find a MALE buddy to go hiking with.

As for mentoring children who need a father figure, that is fine, but the mother of the kids should not go along if that man is married. That is why so many affairs happen, because many will not guard their marriages and honor their spouses in the things they do.

Also, I do think it a good thing to do as many things together as a couple, as that breeds intimacy, yet we don't all like what the other does. My husband skydived when we first met. Sorry, I would NOT do that with him, nor would he expect me to. If I were into something like scrapbooking or such, I would NOT expect him to sit there with me and do it, if it were something he hated...............nor would I find a male companion to do it with me.

I hope your husband will acknowledge what he is doing is wrong and desire to spend time with you...........


I don't always agree with Cindy, but this post is spot on! A big amen from me..




moonbeam87 -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/13/2008 2:35:51 PM)

Are people really that naive nowadays? Guys and guys are not exactly alike, like the feminists who want to make everything uni-sex insist. Girls and guys are biologically wired differently and do not think alike. It's a joke that girls can be one of the "guys." Guys can't be one of the girls (gay guys?) lol.

Since when can guys and girls be buddy buddy friends without that leading to more? It seems like feminist garbage to me. From my experience (I've seen this with lots of my friends) one of the "friends" is always crushing on the other secretly.




sjd2008 -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/13/2008 5:39:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: moonbeam87

Are people really that naive nowadays? Guys and guys are not exactly alike, like the feminists who want to make everything uni-sex insist. Girls and guys are biologically wired differently and do not think alike. It's a joke that girls can be one of the "guys." Guys can't be one of the girls (gay guys?) lol.

Since when can guys and girls be buddy buddy friends without that leading to more? It seems like feminist garbage to me. From my experience (I've seen this with lots of my friends) one of the "friends" is always crushing on the other secretly.



No, actually people are not that naive. A man and a woman can have a relationship without sexual overtones. This is not a matter of "feminist garbage". The female friends that I have I appreciate BECAUSE they are female. I don't expect any of my female friends to be one of the guys.They allow me to see another point of view. My wife also has male friends that she speaks with as well.


If you are wondering. Yes, I am married (25 years in less than one month). We are both aware of each other's friends. We speak to each other's friends when they call. All of my female friends are aware that I am married. As a matter of fact one of my female friends was travelling overseas. I asked her to pick up something for my wife in the country that she was going to and she did.

Please don't assume that all males and females want to have affairs because they are friends.




moonbeam87 -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/13/2008 5:55:30 PM)

I think certain people are naive because they put themselves in risky situations like this only to be surprised when it goes too far--like "I can't believe that we had an affair, that was never our intention, we were just friends!" It's like they are setting themselves for disaster (they had no boundaries) yet they were not aware of that. That's naive.

quote:

Please don't assume that all males and females want to have affairs because they are friends


I didn't say that people want to have affairs. They are naive for thinking there friendship can't progress to something more when they spend a lot of alone time with a member of the opposite sex and being surprised when it does.




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