My husband says he's unhappy (Full Version)

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Lum -> My husband says he's unhappy (2/18/2008 11:32:34 AM)

I have been married for two years now, we dated for 6 years before marriage. We now have a 6 month old daughter also. My husband recently told me that he was unhappy, and that maybe here with us is not where he is suppost to be. I was and still am in total shock. He says it is because he is not sexually attracted to me anymore. I admit our sex life has dramatically slowed down, but I didn't think it was because he was unhappy, just thought that kind of happens over time. He said he still loves me and dosen't want to leave, but that part of the reason is because I gained weight after our baby was born, even though I am now back to my pre-pregnancy weight. When he told me this Iwas very hurt, and angry at how shallow that is. Now I don't know if I want to be with him because I can't stop thinking about it. I'm ashamed to take my clothes off in front of him now. I keep praying about it, but I don't know what to do.



dianetavegia -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (2/18/2008 11:46:01 AM)

Wow. This must hurt you so very much. I'd love to give him a good talking to.

I'm not sure what's going on, but I do know from some college studies that some men have a hard time finding their wives sexually attractive after a child is born. It's called 'The Madonna Complex'. You might read up and see if that gives you any clues.

Only thing I can suggest is that you try to have time just for hubby. He could actually (childish as it is) be jealous of all the time you give to baby. Do you have a relative who could babysit while you go out on a date?

Flirt with him. Dress up for him. Don't bring up what he's said. He may have just said the first thing that came to mind, trying to put the blame on you instead of himself.



DenimDiva -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (2/18/2008 12:34:12 PM)

((((Lum))))

Welcome to the boards! I don't have any advice, but I will pray for you and your family.



TMeeks -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (2/18/2008 12:54:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lum

I have been married for two years now, we dated for 6 years before marriage. We now have a 6 month old daughter also. My husband recently told me that he was unhappy, and that maybe here with us is not where he is suppost to be. I was and still am in total shock. He says it is because he is not sexually attracted to me anymore. I admit our sex life has dramatically slowed down, but I didn't think it was because he was unhappy, just thought that kind of happens over time. He said he still loves me and dosen't want to leave, but that part of the reason is because I gained weight after our baby was born, even though I am now back to my pre-pregnancy weight. When he told me this Iwas very hurt, and angry at how shallow that is. Now I don't know if I want to be with him because I can't stop thinking about it. I'm ashamed to take my clothes off in front of him now. I keep praying about it, but I don't know what to do.

You and your husband have only been married for two years. So, neither of you have enough time under your belts to recognize that marriages can go through periods of closeness and distance. The important thing is that neither of you consider this a permanent situation.

Try this exercise. Take a piece of paper and draw, freehand-- no ruler-- a vertical line from top to bottom. Now, draw a second line right beside it. If you have as much trouble as I do at drawing straight freehand lines, you should see that as you look down the parallel lines, there are times when one line starts to drift away from the other line and then comes back toward the other line. This happens with either line... with one or the other drifting apart and coming back.

Emotional drifting, like these lines, is common in almost ALL marriages. Sometimes both feel emtional closeness and at other times one or the other might not feel as close. It's easy to see when looking back over a 40 year marriage than it is to see when you are in it. [:)]

What is bad is when BOTH lines drift apart and DON'T come back. That is what you both really want to avoid.

If your husband is a Christian, then you need to turn TOWARD each other with understanding and kindness to ask God to rekindle your love for each other. But, the first step is for each of you to rekindle your love for God. Our relationship with our Father is the basis for our relationship and commitment for each other. And, that commitment is a CHOICE to follow God's command to love and respect.

Lord, we lift up this young couple and ask that you move in each of their lives to bring them into the center of Your Will. Open their eyes, Lord, to see that you want them to live lives abundant in love, joy and peace.



Sadey -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (2/18/2008 1:03:16 PM)

Don't let your husband's words decide your value as a person. You are God's child and thats where your value is.
I hope you will get some counseling. Even if he's jealous of the baby, it just shows his lack of character and to attack you for gaining weight after you've lost it is just plain nuts. He is grasping at straws. Ask him whats really going on because this is not about you, its about him. Don't you let him destroy your self confidence. Don't grovel or beg, if you could get your hands on Tough Love by Dr. Dobson its might help you walk through this. I hope everything works out but I pray that you won't put up with his nonsense and I'm not talking about separation or divorce, I'm talking about standing up to him and telling him to knock it off, that you won't be treated that way.
God bless you and knock some sense into him.



RepentanceIsRequired -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (2/18/2008 1:19:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TMeeks
If your husband is a Christian, then you need to turn TOWARD each other with understanding and kindness to ask God to rekindle your love for each other. But, the first step is for each of you to rekindle your love for God. Our relationship with our Father is the basis for our relationship and commitment for each other. And, that commitment is a CHOICE to follow God's command to love and respect.


Very wise advice here. Pray with eachother, for eachother. Communicate with you husband to find out what his needs are. Having a baby changes so many things. It took me seven years to finally listen to my husband. He asked me in so many ways what would make him happy (and yes my physical appearance was a big one). Listen to his needs. Being open to what he is asking for is important.

Diane has some good advice as well. Dress up for him, take time to fix yourself up like you did when you were dating. Find someone to watch the baby so that you can have some time with your hubby. We like to call it mommy/daddy time. And be aware that if you two are unhappy, your daughter will be able to pick up on it (kids are amazing little sponges) so MAKE the time for the TWO of you.

Take heart sister, remain in the Lord and ask Him to open your heart to your husbands needs.



TMeeks -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (2/18/2008 1:28:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sadey

Don't let your husband's words decide your value as a person. You are God's child and thats where your value is.
I hope you will get some counseling. Even if he's jealous of the baby, it just shows his lack of character and to attack you for gaining weight after you've lost it is just plain nuts. He is grasping at straws. Ask him whats really going on because this is not about you, its about him. Don't you let him destroy your self confidence. Don't grovel or beg, if you could get your hands on Tough Love by Dr. Dobson its might help you walk through this. I hope everything works out but I pray that you won't put up with his nonsense and I'm not talking about separation or divorce, I'm talking about standing up to him and telling him to knock it off, that you won't be treated that way.
God bless you and knock some sense into him.

Guys that participate in initiating a pregnancy and then use the effects of that pregnancy as an excuse for rejection, in ANY form, drive me as crazy as they do you. That can only be described as sinful and selfish. It's certainly NOT the kind of commitment that he made in his marriage vows. He's crossed a boundary.

All relationships require boundaries to be healthy. But, how we set the boundaries and communicate them is equally important. This is where a professional counselor would really be helpful in this case. In our culture feelings are king. But, feelings, as was pointed out, can come and go. In a Christian marriage COMMITMENT should be king. And, ones feelings can and should be brought into subjection to the Word of God.



Tawanna92008 -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (2/18/2008 1:28:57 PM)

Your husband says he's unhappy you gained weight after his baby after you conceive his child that you made with him. He should think twice God is the that him a wife and child.[>:]



Tawanna92008 -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (2/18/2008 1:37:14 PM)

My made husband low about weight after my family died in 2002 and it me feel like I can't do anything but God step in and with the problem it was me it him he didn't himself.That why I left him in 2005 he was making my health go bad and weight going up so that told I don't need to abused me because I beautiful the way God made to be.



NoDumbBlonde -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (2/18/2008 2:50:16 PM)

When it comes down to it happiness is found within. Chances are that your husband's unhappiness is based upon his own issues and has little to do with you. You are not responsible for his happiness, he is. If there is an area where he feels inadequate, insignificant or less than he should be then I suggest encouraging him. Lift him up and help him to see what you see in him. Men have fragile egos and they often need reinforcing. ALso, pray for him that God will reveal his identity to him in such as way that he cannot overlook it.

You can also encourage him to pursue some hobbies or interests he enjoys. Maybe something he used to have time for but with job, wife and child that he doesn't find time for. Encourage him to explore a passion and rediscover himself. Often times we get caught up in our roles: employee, spouce, parent, child, student, etc. Remind him that he is an individual too. Maybe even something the two of you can share.

Good luck!



TMeeks -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (2/18/2008 3:26:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tawanna92008

My made husband low about weight after my family died in 2002 and it me feel like I can't do anything but God step in and with the problem it was me it him he didn't himself.That why I left him in 2005 he was making my health go bad and weight going up so that told I don't need to abused me because I beautiful the way God made to be.

Many, many people are looking for affirmation from others to the point where they are easy prey to manipulative people. Some of these people tear us down and some use flattery to get their way. The only person that can give us total affirmation without manipulation is the God of the universe that loves us unconconditionally.

The fact that you are up here encouraging people shows that we CAN rise above those things that people try to do to us. [:)]



Hislittleone -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (2/20/2008 5:45:19 AM)

I can't believe your husband is treating you this way. If after only 6 months you've lost the pregnancy weight you are doing GREAT!!! Kudos to you!!! It's supposed to be 9 months up and another 9 months down (you've heard that saying, right? perhaps you should enlighten your husband). We all change as we get older.......get a spare tire, go bald, gain weight etc. Your husband is being overly focused on outward appearances when that's not even what making love is about. The first thing I wondered when reading your post was if your husband has a problem with porn. Guys who look at porn become very focused on outward appearances. They objectify women and separate intimacy from the sexual experience. I'm so sorry you are being treated this way. This is certainly not the way God wants His daughter to be treated. Also, just because your dh's "feelings" aren't exactly what he thinks they should be doesn't mean it's okay for him to run out and get a divorce. Marriage takes work. It's not always fun and games. [8|]

quote:

Now I don't know if I want to be with him because I can't stop thinking about it. I'm ashamed to take my clothes off in front of him now. I keep praying about it, but I don't know what to do.


That's a completely normal reaction for you to have. Your husband is being selfish and insensitive. He's only thinking about himself, not his wife and daughter. Of course you hesitate to take your clothes off and make yourself vulnerable to him. He took your heart and trust and crushed it. He should be so lucky for you to invite him into your bed any time soon!



timf -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (2/20/2008 10:30:12 AM)

My husband recently told me that he was unhappy, and that maybe here with us is not where he is suppost to be.

This is almost a code phrase often used by people who want to disentangle themselves from a relationship because they are seeking the excitement of something new. The implication is that you have failed to make them "happy".

If you were to measure life and put happiness at one end of a spectrum and pain and suffering at the other end of the spectrum, you would find boredom in the middle. Many people mistake the excitement of fantasy and the anticipation of pleasure as happiness. What happens is that when people become bored, they often pursue pleasures that bring pain and then they work their way back to boredom. In a way, they oscillate in the lower half of life.

The upper half of life is where real happiness is found. Jesus is the only real way into this life because it requires selflessness. The response to boredom with selfish pursuit only brings a person lower. The response to boredom with acts of selflessness and giving to others raises a person past boredom into real happiness and closeness to the Lord.

When he says, "I am not happy with you". What you are hearing is that you don't look attractive any more. What he is really saying is that, "I do not really know Jesus and I am lost in my own selfishness".

This is more common with people who do not know Jesus. It is possible for a Christian to walk in the flesh and act in a way similar to those who are not Christian. However, your real problem may be that you are married to someone who worships himself and not Jesus.



Christian30 -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (2/22/2008 5:19:41 PM)

If your hubby happened to be my buddy and he said this to me about you, I'd give him a kick in the butt and tell him to quit acting like a teenager. I'd also tell him that he needs to LOVE (using as a verb, not feeling) his wife as taught in scriptures and not modern culture. This makes me mad just thinking about it. Is he a Christian? I don't know if you ever said.



captainfraulein -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (2/26/2008 2:52:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: timf



The upper half of life is where real happiness is found. Jesus is the only real way into this life because it requires selflessness. The response to boredom with selfish pursuit only brings a person lower. The response to boredom with acts of selflessness and giving to others raises a person past boredom into real happiness and closeness to the Lord.




Your whole post was excellent but this part really stood out to me. This is such an awesome way to put this thought! The sense of entitlement that many people have, the "I deserve it!" that commercials push...it is so unsatisfying since the flesh only craves more and more, it is a bottomless pit, no satisfaction in it. That is why so many tabloids are sold...the people that have everything want more and we just can't believe it reading about that in our own livingrooms.

Joy comes from pursuing Jesus. It is a fleeting joy one gets when buying a new car, bling, etc.

Knowing that God knows us because of Who He is, not because of who we are, is the most wonderful, freeing feeling a person can have.



bluestone -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (2/26/2008 7:58:25 PM)

How old is your husband? Marriage means dumping any self centered components you have in you before the vows are said.

Remember that HE is the one with the issues. Not you! Don't buy into his plan to put his problems off on your weight.



Lum -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (4/1/2008 11:42:55 AM)

My husband is 25. He is a christian. Several weeks have gone by, and I have tried to act as normal as I can be to see if anything has changed. I have asked him several times if his feelings are any better (if he is still unhappy, etc.), he said that he is happier now. Well, a few days ago, he told me that the feelings are worse now for him and apparantly he had just been lying to me to avoid conflict. He left for a night to "clear his head and think." He came back the next day and told me he couldn't leave because of our daughter, but not one word was said about me. I'm so confused. I've tried several times for him to agree to go talk to our preacher with me, but he refuses, saying that it is ultimately him that has to change and he dosen't think that anyone can help him. This is very frustrating because it seems like he dosen't even want to try. I also think he is embarassed about telling anyone how he feels. And at night (at least 5 nights a week) he will stay in the living room on the couch and watch TV, and after I go to bed, he will wait at least an hour or two before coming to bed. I don't feel like I have a husband anymore, I feel like I have a roommate. This has been going on for almost 3 months now. I know you can only help people that want to be helped, but it is still very hard. I don't want to give up on our marriage, but when do I draw the line, this isn't fair to me.



crankius -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (4/1/2008 11:56:02 AM)

Has he been looking at porn? Check the computer.



LoyalFriend -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (4/1/2008 12:09:10 PM)

Lum,

I am very sorry you are going through this, but it appears that there is alot more going on here than he is saying. Where exactly did he go to clear his head overnight?



Lum -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (4/1/2008 3:26:47 PM)

When he left the other night he went to stay at his brother's house, and I think he was really there, he called me from there anyway. I don't think there's anyone else, I just think he wants the freedom of the possibility. When we dated, we had been together about 3 years when he broke up with me saying he was unhappy. Well it didn't take him too long to move on. I started dating someone also. We were broke up about 10 months when he "realized he had made a mistake." He said he was sorry, I thought he was sorry, I took him back and he proposed 7 months later. Well, here we are about 3 years into this, and I guess he has the 3 year itch again.



csl7037 -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (4/1/2008 4:04:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Christian30

If your hubby happened to be my buddy and he said this to me about you, I'd give him a kick in the butt and tell him to quit acting like a teenager. I'd also tell him that he needs to LOVE (using as a verb, not feeling) his wife as taught in scriptures and not modern culture. This makes me mad just thinking about it. Is he a Christian? I don't know if you ever said.


More men need friends like this - I guess more women probably do too. He needs to grow up.



crankius -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (4/2/2008 3:01:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crankius

Has he been looking at porn? Check the computer.


Are you sure he isn't looking at pornography?



jollof -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (4/3/2008 10:07:06 AM)

I'll feel bad too if i were in your shoes, but i think it doesn't mean the end has come for your marriage. Its good you're praying, but i'll say look back to those first days/weeks of your marriage, what are those things you do that turns him on, makes him happy? Try applying those things, believing God for DIVINE HEALING for your marriage, remember, Faith without works is dead!



lilyofthefield -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (4/3/2008 12:56:18 PM)

Unfortunately, I don't think there is much anyone can do until your DH realizes that he is expecting the impossible. You just can't make other people responsible for your own happiness. He's never going to be happy with anyone if he is thinking that way. Only God can give us true joy. The best thing you can do for him is pray that God will open his eyes. (((hugs)))



Lum -> RE: My husband says he's unhappy (4/4/2008 3:40:50 PM)

I finally went to talk to our preacher 2 nights ago (by myself, after I begged for him to go for days.) He said no one can help him because he dosen't have problems. Well, I'm really glad that I went. I tried talking to my husband about what we discussed, but he didn't seem real interested, because that meant improving something about him. Well, he decided to go the next night to talk with our preacher, even though he said as he was leaving that he didn't want to go. When he returned, he said he was glad he went, and then he started packing a bag. He said that he was unhappy about where we lived, because it was my house, not his. He sold his trailer after we were married and moved here (same town though.) He said he wished he'd never done that because that makes him not feel like a man. But moving here was his idea because he was paying a note, and we wouldn't have to living here. We hoped to save and build a bigger house one day on some land we purchased together. I am just devastated, everyday it seems like its something new that hes disappointed in about me or our life together. I asked him why has he never mentioned this before (I had no idea), and he said because he can't talk to me. I started to cry and he said "see, this is why I can't ever talk to you." and then he left (to go clear his head for a few days?)



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