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RE: My husband says he's unhappy - 4/4/2008 3:59:37 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 2834
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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{{{Lum}}} I am so sorry. You must be devastated.
One thing that jumped out at me was this:
quote:
I asked him why has he never mentioned this before (I had no idea), and he said because he can't talk to me. I started to cry and he said "see, this is why I can't ever talk to you." and then he left
I think that what he said is such a cop out. What a stupid excuse not to communicate.
*However*....I suggest you not give him that excuse any longer. Be strong! Save your tears for later and have conversations with him that are not emotionally charged, instead of: he says something, you cry, talking stops.
When I was newly married I cried all the time. And I was genuinely hurt about things, and rightly upset. But the crying didn't benefit me at all. My husband just completely shut down, and eventually stopped talking to me. The same happened with the issue of disagreeing. At some point he came to the conclusion that having discussions was worthless because if he disagreed with me, I would either cry or get angry.
Once I got my emotions under control and was able to talk things through completely calmly and rationally, the ball was in his court, and the responsibility was all his.
_____________________________
"Children are durable and don’t necessarily wilt under adversity, just as our children don’t necessarily thrive under luxury and comfort." Garrison Keillor
Shameless Self Promotion
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RE: My husband says he's unhappy - 4/4/2008 8:10:46 PM
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TMeeks
Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/27/2007
Status: offline
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Lum,
Based on the little we know, it seems that this is not about you. It's about him. And, perhaps that's the problem, it's ALL about him.
There is something deep inside him that is gnawing at him. I suspect that he didn't have a great childhood or something where he feels others are the problem in his life. Others are suppose to give him something to make him feel better about himself.
The back and forth of your relationship through dating and marriage is certainly an important indication that the instability and his inability to maintain a stable relationship for very long runs deep. The sad thing for him is that he's never going to find what he's looking for where he's looking. 
Lord, something is troubling this young woman's husband that only you can fix. She says that he is one of your children. I ask you that you move Lum and her husband, individually, into the very center of Your will for each of them. The real goal is that both of them come to love you with all their hearts and souls. Then, and only then can this marriage be fixed. So, lord, we ask you now. Bring peace to this young man's heart so that he might realize your love and your acceptence. And, bring peace to the heart and mind of Lum, that she might rest in you and the knowledge that while she may feel abandoned, you will never abandon her. Never.
_____________________________
Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
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RE: My husband says he's unhappy - 4/4/2008 8:42:12 PM
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Lum
Posts: 6
Joined: 2/18/2008
Status: offline
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Thanks to everyone for your words of wisdom. I truly do appreciate it. And, TMeeks, Thank you for your prayer.
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RE: My husband says he's unhappy - 4/4/2008 8:55:46 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 810
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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I'm really sorry your husband is putting you through his immaturity...
he shouldn't have gotten married because he's not really into full time commitment
through thick and thin - not until something better comes along or I think there's a better opportunity for me elsewhere.
You can only help yourself and your child - continue counseling and staying very close to the Lord.
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RE: My husband says he's unhappy - 4/5/2008 11:05:37 AM
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Liveloved
Posts: 1072
Joined: 1/22/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
but when do I draw the line, this isn't fair to me.
Lum,
I know you are hurting and I do not want to inflict more hurt. But helping another is sometimes painful. It's kind of like cleaning the house. Sometimes we make a BIGGER mess before things are clean. So bear with me.
The idea of drawing a line and fairness has no place in godly love. Laying down our lives, giving up our rights, looking out for others and putting their needs ahead of our own is godly love.
It is a very different message than taught by many counselors---even ones who profess to follow Christ. So I would ask you, who do YOU want to follow, Christ and His teachings on what loving your husband means? or on the counsel of the world?
If your answer is Christ, then I would go to the scriptures and look up every reference to love, what love is and what love does. Begin with I Cor 13. Put your name in those verses. And remind yourself that this is what Christ says to do---how He commands you to love, even your husband who is not very appealing right now.
Love your spouse as you love Christ. That is His desire for you. Put him first, his needs, his desires. Lay down your own. Give up. Give in. Relinquish. Rest. Let the Lord work---in you and in your spouse.
Bless you, Lum! If you allow Him, He will do a mighty work for you.  LL
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RE: My husband says he's unhappy - 4/13/2008 10:22:14 PM
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Lum
Posts: 6
Joined: 2/18/2008
Status: offline
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Well, I have hit rock bottom. My husband moved out Friday night. He said he won't go to marriage counseling with me, I've begged, it must not mean that much to him. This hurts so bad. I have an 8 month old daughter to raise by myself and my best friend dosen't love me anymore, nor does he want to be married. I'm a wreck. Sometimes I cry so hard I get to where I can't breathe and I get dizzy. I told him that I hope he dosen't regret his decision down the road and he said he hopes he dosen't either, but he knows he dosen't now. Oh, that hurt soo bad. I took my marriage vows seriously and I didn't want to give up, but it looks like I don't have a say in the matter anymore. How will I get past this?
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RE: My husband says he's unhappy - 4/16/2008 6:04:51 AM
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Eliana
Posts: 676
Joined: 7/27/2005
From: Norway
Status: offline
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(((((Lum))))) I'm so sorry. I pray that you're able to lean on the Lord and trust in His strength to carry you through.
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RE: My husband says he's unhappy - 4/16/2008 8:26:21 AM
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RHardin15
Posts: 258
Joined: 4/14/2008
From: Greenville, SC
Status: offline
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It's amazing to me that he is acting this way! I'm just at a loss for words, and I'm so sorry that he's putting you through this. I'd say give him a few days, and pray. Continue to seek advice from your Pastor and possibly from somewhere else too. Do not get bitter, because I just hope and pray he will come to his senses and realize how stupid this is of him.
Does he have a really close friend that you can talk to? It seems like his friends would side with you on this if they have any maturity. They could try to talk a little bit of sense into him. Stick with it, because it's NEVER worth giving up.
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RE: My husband says he's unhappy - 4/16/2008 6:41:41 PM
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momma07
Posts: 69
Joined: 8/15/2005
Status: offline
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Oh my dear...I went through something similar when I had my daughter. My husband said the same things, unhappy yada, yada. Didn't want to leave because of our daughter. Then I found that he met an old friend from highschool for drinks. Imagine the hurt! I don't want to put unnecessary thoughts in your head, but our situations feel so errily similar. He basically started talking to this other person because he felt she listened to him and he could talk to her. He found some happiness that was lacking in our relationship. I was lucky that he stopped before something more happened. He has done an about face with his attitude and become the husband and father I always wanted. We had been through so much in our relationship and when that situation threw me over the edge, I had one foot out the door. I think it scared him, that he would lose me, our daughter and everything we had together as a family. I am not suggesting that you not stay with him. After the pain has subsided and you have a chance to step back from this situation, you need try to stay strong for your baby. There are consequences to every action. He can't just jerk you and your daughter around and think that is ok. You need to get off the rollercoaster you are on. The back and forth, coming home and then leaving again is just way too much for anyone to handle, especially a woman who is trying to care for an infant. There has to be boundaries. Why make it soo easy for him to come back the next time without some real change on his part? Sadly, if you set that pattern you are in for a lot more years of heartache and in the process your daughter will lack the stability of a healthy relationship with her father. Thats not fair for her. Frankly, I would not let him come back without some real change and a renewal of committment to both you and your daughter. You both deserve that!! Tough love is just that...tough. You deserve better and so does your daughter. It may hurt to face that you may have to be without him for the moment, but it may only be for a moment. The wonderful thing is God is right there with you all the time. He will never leave you. God can restore your marriage and change your husbands heart. I am proof that he can do that for you. Always remember the last 1/2 hour before your blessing is always the hardest. You keep praying and believing. No matter what the outcome, I pray God's will be done. I pray you find comfort and shelter in the lord. I pray you find strength to weather the times ahead.
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