RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (Full Version)

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4IMPersuaded -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (2/12/2008 6:06:13 PM)

Thank you for that insight-- I'm sure that anger is not out of the realm of possibility though I haven't ever felt that-- even as a small child. I have always known that it wasn't her choice and as I heard stories of the abuse that she grew up with, it reinforced my feelings of gratitude that she chose a better life for me. I am also so grateful to a personal God who saw an infant without a mother (it took six weeks to place me in my permanent home) and arranged events so that I would be raised to seek Him. As I hear these stories, it seems surreal. It reminds me of the feelings I had as a new wife meeting my husband's extended family. I liked them very much, but they weren't mine. In this case, she is "mine", but it will just take time to feel that sense of family and ownership (?).

It just occurred to me that I have lived my life always knowing that I was different. When they talked about familial characteristics such as my sister having my mother's eyes or grandma's hips I knew that the traits that I had that were similar to my parents were learned, behavioral traits. Now, as I contemplate meeting my brother and the rest of the family, I will have some of those familial traits, but I have those learned behaviors and a completely different set of life experiences that will still make me different. This is something unique to an adoptee and I can see this being a source of disappointment simply because you look so forward to having that sense of belonging. As I have grown both in years and in my faith, however, I have applied that need for belonging to my heavenly home. I can see this earth as a temporary home in which I don't really belong, but I look forward to that day when we are all gathered together in His presence and then I will truly be home and I will have that need completely satisfied.

That may not make sense to anyone but me, but it is somewhat cathartic to get that into words! Thank you for your indulgence!



momof4 -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (2/13/2008 10:10:29 AM)

Everything you said in your last post makes perfect sense to me! My son used to tell me how he wished to know the facts of his birth, when labor started, when I went to the hosp, etc. All those little details that most kids grow up hearing from their mothers, but adoptees don't. He also wished to look in the mirror and know that he looked like someone. I was able to give him all that and more, and I will be forever grateful that I was at least able to answer some questions for him. And you're right, that heaven is our ultimate home, and we will all be "family" there. But for now, I think there is a real primal need to know who we are biologically related to. I know for me, I have always had a real interest in who my ancestors were, even tho they lived long ago and there has been no one alive in my lifetime who even knew them. It's just good to know where you came from.

As far as her being from an abusive background, I am truly sorry to hear that. I think you will gain more insight into what it could have been like growing up with her when you meet your half-brother, who is also your brother in Christ. BTW, how nice for me to hear you call him "my brother". You may feel grateful now for her placing you, but somehow that doesn't always sound nice to a birth mom. I know what you mean, you are feeling grateful, of course, but it is a mixed bag. It is quite possible that growing up with her wouldn't have been as bad as you imagine, might even have been good in a lot of ways. It's really impossible for us to know such things, and sometimes I tend to speculate a bit too much. When do, I can only say that my son would probably have had about the same kind of upbringing that he had with his adoptive family, with one big difference. His adopotive mom had cancer almost all of his life, and he can barely remember a time when she wasn't sick. His dad was overburdened with raising 3 kids and taking care of a sick wife, and working full time. I can't imagine how he did it all, and I greatly admire him. Then when my son was almost 11, his mom died, 2 days b4 his 11th birthday.

I know it is unproductive to think this way, but I can't help thinking how, if I'd kept him, at least he wouldn't have to go thru having a mom die while still a child, and living with a sick mom all his life b4 that. I met my husband just days after placing him, and I tend to think this would have happened anyway, even if I'd kept him, and we still would have gotten married, and so my son would not have grown up without a dad. We have had a nice stable, Christian marriage, a good one in which to raise kids. So all those things that make it a "good decision" to place my baby, youth, poverty, no husband, inexprience, etc, all went away shortly after placing him. So I'm left with a paradox, I guess you would say.

Of course, there was no way to know how it all would pan out b4 it happened, and I imagined the worst: a life of poverty, being shunned by "nice" people, other parents not wanting their kids to play with my son b/c he was"illegitimite", teachers in school treating him "differently" b/c they assumed he came from a bad background. I had not ever seen an example of a single mom successfully raising a cild, actually hadn't seen a single mom at all, if you can imagine that. All the young single women I had heard of growing up did one of 2 things when they found themselves pregnant: they got married very quickly, even at as young an age as 16, or they placed their babies, and never spoke of them again, as if the child disappeared. In health classes, and Sunday school classes, we girls (never the boys, we were always seprated for these things) would have classes concerning "what happens if you would get pregnant". The above options were presented, and then a very dark picture of what life as a single mom would be like, including all the details, and more, that I listed above. It was really ingrained into us that the worst possible thing you could do would be to keep your baby and raise it as a single mom, that you would be doing a huge disservice to your baby, and the only thing you could do that was at all loving wold be to place. Of course, the best possible thing would be not to become sexually active at all, and not have to make that choice, and the classes were always designed to "scare" us into keeping to a pure lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, of course I am very strongly of the belief that sexual purity until marriage is the best possible way, b/c it is God's way, but I would never "teach" kids the way I was taught. And I have seen many examples of single moms who are stable and able to raise their kids quite well, even tho it is more difficult. It is not impossible, as I was taught.



4IMPersuaded -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (2/15/2008 12:18:27 AM)

You are right, there-- I think there are many things that I was taught with shame and fear as a threat. I hope there is a more productive and healthy way to teach our daughters to make productive choices. I am sorry that you felt so pressured. In response to your speculation, I can only say this and I mean it sincerely even though it will sound cliche... All things work together for good for those who love Him. I think we are going to be rewarded for our intentions and clearly, you made the best choice you could with the information you had at the time. As you said before, single and pregnant were looked on differently then.

I have to hope that she understood that my gratitude is not for sparing me from being raised by her. Far from it-- my gratitude is two-fold. Even though abortion was not legal then, it was still available and she could have made that choice. Also, in our case, she lived in an abusive home and this is where she would have been forced to raise me -- at least at first. She was told that she would not be in the parenting role. My gratitude toward her stems from the fact that she put her feelings aside at that tender age and made a choice based upon what she felt were my best interests. It is a profound feeling to know that someone made a sacrifice like that for me (as a former pastor says, "there's a sermon in there somewhere!")

Momof4, my heart goes out to you. Your pain is such a burden and I am sorry that you have to bear it. I know that through prayer, at some point you are going to have peace-- either to accept the relationship with your son as is, or through the full reconciliation that you crave. I can't tell you what God has in store for you there, but I do know this. God is a parent who has been separated from his Child-- He has experienced this kind of pain and hurts with you. You also have to know that he is working in your son's life. You never know what tomorrow brings.

I was asking God why this had to happen so late in my life. I have already had my wedding, my pregnancies, given birth to two children and how I would have loved to share this with her. My answer was so humbling and had to do with my adoptive mother who is a dear Christian. He whispered to me, "Child, do you think that my perfect timing has only to do with you? I care for her the same way that I care for you." The tenderness of that answer caught me off guard and as I think of my 60-something mother as His precious child, the tears still come. What an amazing and faithful God we serve.



Ephesians4_32 -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (2/15/2008 12:38:16 AM)

I haven't read the entire thread, but maybe this will help.

My father's mother walked out on him during the Depression. He was in high school, but he had no place to go. His father had died when he was a little boy. He slept on park benches at first. He found a job where he worked for meals instead of money. Later a family took him in. His relationship with his mother deteriorated to nonexistence over the years. She had started asking him for money. As an adult, I found my grandmother. She had had a very difficult life and it was no wonder she didn't know how to be a mother. When I met her, she blurted out that she had always wanted a daughter but only had two sons. I was kind of shocked at that statement on our first meeting. At this point in her life, my father did not want her to know where he lived. He never forgave her for failing as a mother. Several months after she died, he wrote to me and said, "Your grandmother died." I had been informed of her death only a few days after she died because we had been corresponding. My father was very bitter towards her and only referred to her by her first name. I thought it was incredibly sad. As parents, we make some terrible mistakes. Sometimes we are blessed more than we deserve in that our children forgive us. I think it is best to forgive people even if we can't be really intimate with them. My father and I were never close, but I knew he hadn't had good role models.



4IMPersuaded -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (2/17/2008 6:27:15 AM)

Thanks, Eph... I know that this whole thing is hard on men-- most of the men I know who are adopted are very angry about the situation and have little or no interest in their birth families. It sounds like your grandmother and your father had it rough. As a mother, myself, I cannot understand a mother choosing to abandon her child, But then, it sounds as if your grandmother may not have been capable of caring for a child. It is heartbreaking to hear of a family suffering in such a way.

I am blessed to not have to deal with anger as I navigate this new path with my birth mother-- so far. I knew the general circumstances of my adoption from a very young age and I have always been grateful to her for her decision to place my interests before hers. What a tough spot for a mom...

I pray that your father, even though he has reason to be angry, can set aside his bitterness and find a way to forgive his mother. That is very likely a very heavy burden for him to carry alone. I hope he is saved. God is capable of healing him if he will ask.

Blessings.



4IMPersuaded -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (2/18/2008 12:57:35 AM)

OH, the plot thickens... Birthmom has found Birthdad and told him about our reunion. I didn't think I wanted to meet him, but now that it is a real possibility, I find that I really do. It seems he is interested in knowing me and here's the kicker: He lives in the same small town where I went to college (and incidently, where I was born). My parents live in the area as do most of my husband's family. I currently live in the Eastern time zone, but we go back "home" to the West Coast regularly. This will take a little processing simply because I really have never given him much thought-- it was always about my birthmother and the decision that she made on my behalf!



mrowe02 -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (2/18/2008 3:50:32 AM)

4IMPersuaded now on top of the world. The way in which you faced the situation should be appreciated.



Roberta_ -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (2/18/2008 12:54:44 PM)

4IM-

I was adopted and reunited with my birthmom. We had a year and a half together before she passed away from a brain tumor.

She was saved. I was in a different situation though because my sister and I were removed from her because of abuse/neglect issues. I am thankful that I got to know her, but I could never call her anything other than her first name.

I'm glad that we were reunited. If we hadn't been then I would just remember the trauma that she put us through and have never gotten to know what a nice lady she turned out to be. Now when the bad memories surface, I can forgive her because I remember the lady who turned her life around and really was a nice person. I can counteract some of the negative memories with some positive ones.

She passed away in Nov of 2001.



4IMPersuaded -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (2/18/2008 7:00:17 PM)

Bless your heart-- Praise God for the miracles he can perform in people, huh? I am so glad that you had that time with her. I can only imagine the ambivalence that you felt in contemplating a relationship with her all those years later. I commend you for embracing forgiveness and seeing that the relationship could enrich both of you-- many would have chosen bitterness and resentment.



Mr.Cup -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (2/19/2008 2:16:11 AM)

Hey, this may be a good thing. But I agree with everybody else don't forget your adopted parents and what they have done for you. My Dad left my Mother, sister and me when I was 16 months. Of corse my Mother remarried when I was 8 and I lived and was raised by a Man who I knew was not my father. Now as a small boy I always though and wished my father would come back one day. Now I grew to love my step father very much and still do to this day. Their was one thing bothering me, I didn't know my father. So when I was 35, yes 35 I got my little tail on a plane and flew to go meet him. I initiated the whole thing called him, had to call information and get the operator to tell him who was calling and so forth. So we met and it was good he wanted to get together once a year after and everything. I did this to ask one question. Why didn't you have anything to do with me and my sister. The answer I got was lame but I didn't say anything. Now I told him I came to meet you and get to know you, if you want this to continue the ball is in your court. I haven't heard from him yet I'm now 46 and I realized just how much I love my stepfather, Or I should say my father he is the only one I know, the other one I gave a chance and he turned it down. So be very careful of your adopted parents feelings. And pray pray pray, God will show you the right path. Thoughts and prays are with you.



Ephesians4_32 -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (2/19/2008 2:28:46 AM)

My dad passed away a few years ago. He never forgave his mother and he was an agnostic. :(



momof4 -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (2/19/2008 10:28:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 4IMPersuaded

I was asking God why this had to happen so late in my life. I have already had my wedding, my pregnancies, given birth to two children and how I would have loved to share this with her.


Hoiw wonderful for you to say this! When my son found me, he was only 21, but had a serious enough GF that they were contemplating marriage. He told her that they could not even plan anything until after he found me, b/c "You have to be there", at least that's what he said when we met. That relationship fell apart, and he found a new girl, but not till after he had backed away from me. At first he said me and my fam would be invitied (we were talking o n the phone regularly at that time, but not seeing each other in person much). But b4 the wedding, he let me know that he had "probably" changed his mind, and I should judt wait and seeif an invitation comes or not. No invbitation came, but I still held out hope that he would invite me at the last minute, even 1 hr b4 the wedding, so I prepared for that possibility. After all, that's what would happen on the perfect TV movie, wouldn't it? Can't you just see it? We see the bride and groom enduring hours of preparation and photography, the groom a little distracted, and then he makes a quick phone call to his birth mom, who is eecstatic, forgives him, and hurries to get ready and get to the wedding, just b4 the processional.... And the movie ends with a warm fuzzy feeeling... Ahhh... During the end credits we see the greoom and his birh mom dancing at the reception... Now we can go to bed all happy! But that didn't happen...

And then when they were expecting their first baby, in 2001, again he led me to believe that I would be invited to visit the baby, and have some type of relationship with him, not the same as the other grandparents, but I would have a regular visiting time, not as often as the other grandparents, but the child would grow up knowing me and who I am to his dad and him. But that didn't happen either. Now they have 3 kids, and he is very good to send me lots of pictures thru email, but I have yet to actually see these kids in person, and I seriously doubt that he has told them I even exist!



Roberta_ -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (2/22/2008 1:37:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 4IMPersuaded

Bless your heart-- Praise God for the miracles he can perform in people, huh? I am so glad that you had that time with her. I can only imagine the ambivalence that you felt in contemplating a relationship with her all those years later. I commend you for embracing forgiveness and seeing that the relationship could enrich both of you-- many would have chosen bitterness and resentment.


If you go over the the Women's Only February Chat Thread, you'll see where I posted about my sister and the baby she placed for adoption 18 years ago.



MrsTracy72 -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (2/22/2008 2:21:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 4IMPersuaded

Has anyone done this? Any good advice? In the absence of advice, I'll take prayers!



YES!!! But I am on the other side of it. When my husband was 19 he and his girlfriend had a baby and decided to put the baby up for adoption. While I know it bothered him all these years (I could always tell when his son's birthday was because of the horrid mood my husband would be in for about a week around it) he kept his distance. While they were going through the adoption, the social worker accidently mentioned the adoptive family's name not knowing that my husband was nearby. From that day on, he kept tabs on them and his son. Not like psycho tabs, but just where they were living and stuff.

So one of the agreements they made was that the adoptive parents could communicate via Lutheran Social Services, but no direct communication was allowed, and as far as everybody but my husband and I knew, they didn't know his last name and he didn't know theirs.

Last year, we got an envelop of pictures and drawings, and a letter from the mom who adopted him. She said that she didn't want to write earlier because she didn't want to tell my husband that her and her husband were divorced when his/their son was about 8, and that his son had aspbergers (sp)

But this kid looked exactly like my husband. It was so weird to see that. So there was very little contact for about a year, and around this last Thanksgiving, she asked if my the three of us could meet for lunch. (her, my husband and I) We live in Wisconsin, and they were in Illinois, so we had no problem driving down there. We spent 5 hours in the resturaunt just talking and her and my husband were sort of catching up, but her and I spent most of the time talking. She didn't bring her son though.

So a week after lunch, she called and invited us to stay with them for a couple of days so that my kids could get to know their brother, and we could get to know him too. While it was nice, we decided on a day trip instead because we didn't know what to expect. It went so great that I would have stayed. So over the Christmas break we did end up staying there for a couple of nights and we spent time with him in Chicago at the museum.

They came up here to meet the rest of the family, but that was just a dinner. Now they plan on being here so that they can come to church with us. My daughter is singing a solo and her oldest brother doesn't want to miss it.

Our experience has positives and negatives, but unless you try, you will never know. And who knows, if your mom is not a Christian, you may be able to bring her to Christ. How cool would that be?



momof4 -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (2/22/2008 2:54:35 PM)

Mrs Tracy, I placed my son with LSS back in 1973! What a coincidence!



MrsTracy72 -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (2/22/2008 3:53:56 PM)

How weird. And that was a year after I was born. They were great when I had to deal with them because eventhough I was not the birth mother, they still talked to me since my husband works out of state and is like never home. And it was just so cool to meet his son and have all of the kids get together. It is also great to see some of the personality traits that he shares with my middle daughter. But he connects with the little one in such a different way. But it is so cool. Are you looking for your son or did you find him?



captainfraulein -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (2/23/2008 8:55:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrsTracy72

How weird. And that was a year after I was born. They were great when I had to deal with them because eventhough I was not the birth mother, they still talked to me since my husband works out of state and is like never home. And it was just so cool to meet his son and have all of the kids get together. It is also great to see some of the personality traits that he shares with my middle daughter. But he connects with the little one in such a different way. But it is so cool. Are you looking for your son or did you find him?


Your husband's story really touched my heart. It sounds like you were patient and kind about the whole thing...and that it is going to be the best situation it can.



MrsTracy72 -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (2/23/2008 9:04:43 PM)

Thank you. It was amazing because I have dreamed of the day that we woud meet him. I didn't meet my husband until his son was about 8 years old, but once I had my daughter and knew that he now had a sister, I just really daydreamed about the meeting.

I will admit that I did push very hard for him to make contact. They (the adoptive parents) were keeping in touch with the birth mother and she was sending things to my husbands mother who would pass them along to my husband. My husband has had no contact with the birth mother in quite a few years. The last thing from her was a Christmas card she sent to my husband about 10 years ago.

She has no contact with the adoptive parents, and I think that for now, that makes me feel more comfortable. I would like my family to build a relationship with him before we throw other people into the mix. And since the adoptive parents are now divorced, we have not been in contact with the dad. My husband's son doesn't really like him much so he asked that we not meet him and since he is 17 years old, we respect that. Plus I know the feeling because my 11 year old is starting to go through the same thing with my ex husband.

But I can only say that it was and is amazing, and I really think that it was a God thing. This is something we wanted before, but I don't think that my family was healthy enough to put another family into the mix. But I am happy and so are the kids and my husband. It is just that I am them most emotional of my family so I think I am taking it more to heart than they do.

He and his mom are going to come to church with us on palm sunday because my daughter is singing a solo and it is her first. She wanted her other big brother to be there.

We are blessed because we live in southern wisconsin and they live in northern illinois so it is about an hour and a half to get there. Since my husband already works in waukegan, it is not too much out of the way to go there.

But I am glad that his story touched someone. But I can't really say that I was patient because I got on him every day to send that letter until he did. But it was well worth it.



MrsTracy72 -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (2/27/2008 9:25:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 4IMPersuaded

I am in my late thirties, and I have known that I was adopted as an infant since I was a small child. I was raised in a Christian home and have been truly blessed. I attempted to find my birth mother twice (many years ago) and hit dead ends. My search was supported by my parents-- my mom even helped. Yesterday, out of the blue, my birth mother found me! We are now embarking on the delicate business of building this new relationship. My parents are understandably conflicted, though they are mostly thrilled for me to finally make that connection with her.

I have observed while two friends have experienced this in my early adulthood. One was healthy and positive and one was a sad situation.

Has anyone done this? Any good advice? In the absence of advice, I'll take prayers!


How are things going? Today was my daughter's birthday so she called her brother in IL to say thank you for the card he sent and I thought of you.



momof4 -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (3/9/2008 10:46:53 PM)

Yes how is it going? We havent heard from you in a while. Any news to report?



Roberta_ -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (3/10/2008 1:12:27 PM)

I was just thinking about this thread yesterday.



momof4 -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (4/22/2008 7:13:56 AM)

Is this thread still alive? I had to find it thru my own posts, couldn't find it listed in the "Relationships" foloder.



Roberta_ -> RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? (4/22/2008 12:06:35 PM)

As long as people are interested in posting in it, I guess it's still alive. [;)]



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