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My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 1/3/2008 7:04:16 PM
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4IMPersuaded
Posts: 424
Joined: 11/17/2007
From: Florence, KY
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I am in my late thirties, and I have known that I was adopted as an infant since I was a small child. I was raised in a Christian home and have been truly blessed. I attempted to find my birth mother twice (many years ago) and hit dead ends. My search was supported by my parents-- my mom even helped. Yesterday, out of the blue, my birth mother found me! We are now embarking on the delicate business of building this new relationship. My parents are understandably conflicted, though they are mostly thrilled for me to finally make that connection with her.
I have observed while two friends have experienced this in my early adulthood. One was healthy and positive and one was a sad situation.
Has anyone done this? Any good advice? In the absence of advice, I'll take prayers!
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 1/3/2008 8:52:07 PM
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emmkay2
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i have 2 siblings i've yet to meet who were adopted out when i was growing up. you will certainly have my prayers. i'm sure it will be a very delicate process, as you have stated.
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 1/3/2008 9:41:44 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1680
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I'd be very, very guarded; it could be the thing that caused her to adopt you out has ruled her life ever since. Maybe she is OK now and maybe she thinks you're a new source of drug money or free housing. Not to spoil your time, but be guarded and pray that God will use you to bless. I wouldn't make any commitments to her until you get to know her better.
Your stomach must be tied up in knots. I am praying; God bless you all.
Go give your adopted parents a hug; they are the ones who walked the floor with you when you were little. I'm sure you've already reassured them of your love and gratitude for them.
< Message edited by deermousie -- 1/3/2008 9:48:15 PM >
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 1/3/2008 10:14:23 PM
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buckifn
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Yes, I did. When she called and said this is your "mother" I said no it isn't my mother has been dead over 10 yrs. It gave her the shock she needed I think.
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 1/4/2008 8:53:58 AM
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Sadey
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Be tenderhearted to your adopted mom, she sounds like an amazing woman who is trying to do what is best for you, her beloved daughter. I hear about these reunion stories and not much is mentioned about the adopted parents feelings. Your mom loves you and it never hurts to remind her of your love and devotion to her and to assure her of her place in your heart. What a blessing you must be as a daughter, you sound terrific.
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 1/5/2008 11:33:01 AM
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4IMPersuaded
Posts: 424
Joined: 11/17/2007
From: Florence, KY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sadey
Be tenderhearted to your adopted mom, she sounds like an amazing woman who is trying to do what is best for you, her beloved daughter. I hear about these reunion stories and not much is mentioned about the adopted parents feelings. Your mom loves you and it never hurts to remind her of your love and devotion to her and to assure her of her place in your heart. What a blessing you must be as a daughter, you sound terrific.
Thank you... And you all are quite right about my adoptive parents. I hate even using that term because they ARE my parents... They are amazing, Godly people. I think I have told my mom "I love you" more this week than ever before. She finally told me that they would never doubt my love. We have been open on the subject all of my life and I have always told them that the job of "mom" and "dad" is already taken.
I have always wanted to thank my birth mother for her selfless act all those years ago. It wasn't her idea, and I knew that from the agency that handled the adoption.
As for being cautious... I have been, but from everything that I have gathered so far, she is living a productive, healthy life with a doting and adoring husband. Her motivation seems pure. So far, this has been a dream, but I realize that we are in the first stages of whatever this is. I think I will remain cautiously optimistic.
Thank you all for your prayers-- I would love to hear from anyone else about their story.
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 1/6/2008 4:03:05 PM
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4IMPersuaded
Posts: 424
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From: Florence, KY
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Thank you... We (Adoptive parents, birth mother, and my family) have sheduled a meeting in early February in a completely neutral city. It was important that my parents be included in this first, important meeting and we will go from there. I'll let you know!
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 1/6/2008 8:07:55 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1680
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 4IMPersuaded
Thank you... We (Adoptive parents, birth mother, and my family) have sheduled a meeting in early February in a completely neutral city. It was important that my parents be included in this first, important meeting and we will go from there. I'll let you know!
Thank you. I shall eager await what happens. May God use this for great blessing for all of you!
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 1/6/2008 9:18:52 PM
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mbgb
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Best of luck with everything! I pray that ig goes well for you.
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 1/12/2008 3:50:51 PM
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4IMPersuaded
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From: Florence, KY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
Thank you. I shall eager await what happens. May God use this for great blessing for all of you!
DM and all-- Thank you. I spoke with my biological brother on the phone for the first time, and PTL, he and his wife are saved. He confirmed my suspicion that my birth mother and her husband are not. Please pray that as we develop this relationship, I can be an effective, loving witness.
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 1/12/2008 11:31:25 PM
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deermousie
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 4IMPersuaded
DM and all-- Thank you. I spoke with my biological brother on the phone for the first time, and PTL, he and his wife are saved. He confirmed my suspicion that my birth mother and her husband are not. Please pray that as we develop this relationship, I can be an effective, loving witness.
Wow - a saved brother! That's very exciting for you, and hopefully it's exciting for him to find a saved sister. Your prayers together can go up for your mom's and her husband's salvation ("Where two or more are gathered in My name..."). I'm so happy you've found a new brother... in both ways!
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 1/12/2008 11:40:49 PM
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W.O.F.
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my advice comes from not meeting a biological parent, but a biological sister....
GO slow...build a friendship first...don't expect to feel love right away, if ever. Do be prepared for shocks..things that will show how alike you are even though you have never known each other, and for the differences that there will be based on faith and circumstances.
I would have liked to meet my biological dad in some ways...but he didn't want it.....and from what I hear about him from my biological sister....it is probably best that way.
My big shock was walking into my sister's dining room at age 19...and seeing MY china in her china cupboard.....that and the fact we could be twins facially.
Just know that God has blessed you, as he did Moses, with parents who loved you and cared for you...and that this is a great opportunity to bring your birth mother to Him as well.....just go slowly and carefully.
(and Praise the Lord about your brother!!!!)
_____________________________
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 1/22/2008 11:21:06 PM
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4IMPersuaded
Posts: 424
Joined: 11/17/2007
From: Florence, KY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: W.O.F.
GO slow...build a friendship first...don't expect to feel love right away, if ever. Do be prepared for shocks..things that will show how alike you are even though you have never known each other, and for the differences that there will be based on faith and circumstances.
The whole thing is a shock, even though I have always wanted to know her-- funny, but I've never had much interest in my biological father. We (my birth mother, adoptive parents and I) will meet in a few weeks and what seemed like "just around the corner" when we planned the meeting seems like it is dragging now. The suspense is killing me! Since I have no openings in my life for a parent, I am looking to build a friendship with her that will enrich my life as well as enhance the life of my children. She has been so good about not overwhelming me with any need on her part. My parents have been loving and supportive... I just marvel at how I have been blessed. I also understand better the angst I felt beginning last fall. I felt like God had something big for me-- I just thought that it was something that He wanted me to do. It is great to see His hand at work in the clarity of hindsight!
W.O.F., thank you for sharing your story. Continue to share as you think of anything at all!
Peace and Prayers!
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 2/6/2008 11:28:07 PM
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4IMPersuaded
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From: Florence, KY
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Please pray for this meeting-- it happens this weekend. As my mom (adoptive, who will always be "Mom") said, "this is cause for rejoicing." It is also cause for a fleet of butterflies in my gut! Exciting, scary (don't really know why)... My children are excited because the hotel has an indoor swimming pool-- oh, to be young again!
My hope for the weekend is this-- to show my birth mother a loving, functioning Christian family who has always loved her, even though we didn't know who she was. In short, to show her a representation of the love Jesus has extended to us and is available to her. I don't expect to lead her in the sinner's prayer by Sunday or anything! I guess I don't want her to simply dismiss my faith and put me in the column with all of those "other" Jesus freaks... (though it is my honor to chat with you all here!  ) I want her to know He is real to me and that He is interested in a personal relationship with her, too.
I thank you in advance for your prayers!
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 2/7/2008 4:59:09 PM
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momof4
Posts: 178
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Hi, I'm a birthmom who was found by my son in 1994. He was 21 then and we flew into each other's arms like the long lost family we were! It was wonderful... for the first year. Then it got difficult. Too much to go into here. For the record, MY feelings have not changed since the beginning. I have always and will always love him the same as my other three. I haven't seem him since Dec 2000 and have never met his three wonderful kids. We email regularly, and I'm glad we can at least do that, but I wish it coul be more. The hard part is that we live only about a 30 min drive from each other! He was married in 1997. At first they were going to invite us, but he changed his mind, and it was a terrible blow for me. This whole thing has been more than diffcult.
As far as your statement that "it was not her idea" (to place you). You may not realise that circa 1970, when you were born, things were VERY different than they are now. Single moms did not exist. If they did, they lived in extreme poverty and were shunned by polite society. It was a very, very different world than it is now. Parents of an unwed mother usually made the decision for her. It doesn't nec mean that she was truly an "unfit" mom, just the feeling at the time.
My son will turn 35 on Feb 9, at 6:23 pm. I will call him at that time and we will have a nice conversation, but I stilll won't be able to see him. I am always praying that someday that will change. I will be praying for you to have a blessed reunion.
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 2/7/2008 5:04:09 PM
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momof4
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One more thing...She is your mom, maybe she didn't walk the floor with you, but she lost sleep over losing you. Maybe she didn't get you ready for your first day of school... but she wished she could. She sacrificed for you in ways you will never realize. Your adoptive parents are also your parents, but she is your parent as well. There is room for more than 2 parents, you just have to realize that you are twice blessed!
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 2/7/2008 8:35:39 PM
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4IMPersuaded
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From: Florence, KY
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Thank you for sharing your story, Momof4... I am sorry to hear that your relationship with your son has not worked out as you had hoped. I can imagine how hard it is after being found-- I'm sure it was different before you were reunited. The pain of the separation was of a different nature.
Yes, I do realize how difficult it was for her, especially now that I have children of my own. I have always known that it was not her wish to give me up and I have always been grateful to her for her bravery and selflessness in giving me a chance at a life that she couldn't provide. I am acutely aware that she could have made some very different choices that could have been disasterous for me. I was so blessed to be able to tell her that in our first telephone conversation. This meeting is taking place nearly six weeks after our initial contact so that my adoptive parents could express their gratitude to her in person as well.
I do look forward to her participation in my life, though I cannot see her as a parent in the same ways that I see my Mom and Dad. I don't know that there is a word for what she will become to me (birthmother sounds so clinical). I do understand, though, that the relationship that we share is different from her perspective. For her, this is not our first meeting. I am thrilled, though, at the prospect of getting to know a woman who would put my needs before her own. I am absolutely twice blessed. I just wish there was a better vocabulary in our language to express the nuances of this burgeoning relationship.
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 2/8/2008 10:58:56 AM
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momof4
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How about "extra mom"? It's good for us to realize that other cultures may have "other moms" in their lives. I have a friend from Liberia, and I went to her wedding. In the program were these listings: "Mothers of the Bride" followed by 2 names. Then there was a listing for "Mothers of the Groom" and "Fathers of the Groom". The reason the bride had 2 moms was b/c she gave her Grandmother the honor of beign a mother as well as her mom. The reason the groom had 2 moms and 2 dads was because he chose to honor the couple who had sponsored him (to come to the US from Liberia) by calling them his parents, as well as his real parents. Now, these people didn't call all these other people "mom and dad". The bride called her Grandma "Grandma" and the groom called the couple by their first names. But for their wedding, they chose to honor these people who meant so much to them, and had done so much for them during their lives, by giving them the status of "parents", not to replace the actual parents, but just to honor them. It's something they do in their culture, and we would do well to learn from this custom. There CAN be more than one set of parents! It was a good thing for me to see.
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 2/12/2008 12:58:14 AM
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4IMPersuaded
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That is a neat idea-- we are still so new in all of this, I don't even know how to refer to her husband to introduce him...
We had our meeting this weekend and it was truly amazing and surreal. My parents and my birthmother and her husband got to sit, chat and bond. It was awesome to witness. I am grateful that I didn't go through boxes of kleenex. I tried to follow the stories of this new family that I have... a whole different set of experiences than what I knew growing up in an "Ozzie and Harriet" sort of home.
I had an opportunity to tell a sales clerk that I was her daughter (she asked our relationship) and that was interesting. We certainly have some physical similarities, but not enough that you'd assume our relationship-- we are a lot closer in age than typical mothers and daughters...
Momof4-- she said something that made me think of you. She shared how difficult it was to answer the question of how many children she had. She didn't ever feel right saying that she had only one, but then if she said that she had two, it opened a whole conversation that she wasn't always ready to have... That must be so difficult.
I look forward to the next step-- meeting other members of the family and developing those relationships.
Thank you for your prayers.
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 2/12/2008 11:19:08 AM
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momof4
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Yes it is difficult to say how many kids I have! I remember when we met back in '94, and when I was showing him pictures of my 2 kids (youngest hadn't been born yet), he looked at my other son and asked, "Is this your first one?" and I said, "No, silly, he's my second!" I hadn't realized how bad I had felt until that moment to have gone for 21 yrs lying aout how many kids I had. It felt wonderful to be able to tell the truth finally. Tehn when my family and I went to a football game where he was playing, at the same college that my dad and 2 older brothers had attended, and he had free tickets for me to pick up, the woman at the box office asked me if my son was a football player, and I said "yes", and gave his name, it felt, oh I can't describe it! But it was then that I realized how much damage continual lying does to a person. I felt so free to finally be able to tell the truth! I could literally feel a pile of bricks fall off my shoulders! That was one thing I hadn't expected, but it was a very pleasant surprise. Now that we don't see each other, I'm back to lying, and I hate it. sometimes I don't say how many kids I have, but I just give their names and ages, and then silently, to myself, add my firstborn. I'm still lying, but to me it doesn't feel as much like lying as just saying I have 3 kids, and leave it at that.
Thanks for the update. There was an interesting story on the news here the other nite. It was about this brother and sister from Korea who had been adopted as toddlers. Their birth parents saved 11 months worth of wages to come to the states to visit them! The kids are now in their 30's. Just think of the motivation to be barely subsisting on your wages, but taking yrs to save enuf to come to the US to see the kids you gave up long ago. Is there any doubt that they love those kids more than anything? They spoke to each other thru an interpreter. The girl said, "We never thought we'd feel such a bond with them, like we've always known them." or something like that. It sure is a bunch of emotions that come at a time like this, and I don't think you are ever prepared. It's always a surprise. I have head people say "I would feel..." and then imagine feeling a certain way, and then not feeling that way at all, in cases like this. Be prepared for a range of emotions. You might feel real anger at some point, but realize where that is coming from. It's b/c the infant in you still rages against losing her original mommy, the one whose movements and voice she got used to while in utero. Then you're born, and wham! that mom is gone, and you have to get used to a different mom, not better, not worse, just DIFFERENT. The baby can't understand this, so she is angry with mom for leaving her. I know this all sounds stange, but if you read up on this , it will make sense to you. Look for a book called "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier. She has written other books, but that is her first on the subject. She is, interestingly, an adoptive mom who noticed differences in how her adoptive daughter relates to her vs how her "born" daughter does, and did tons of research to find out why. I think if you can read some of her stuff, you will be better prepared. It's never as cut and dried as we would like it to be, and this is where my son has so uch trouble. He wanted to find me in theworst way, but after he did, he couldn't handle the emotions, so it was easier just to keep me at a distance. He won't read any books I suggest to him, b/c he says he "knows" what is wrong, and it's nothing that's in any of those books. He can't let me go completely, so that's why we can still communicate thru email, keeping up on "news" etc, but never delving into all the emotional stuff like we did when we started. He has a big thing about his "comfort zone" and it's been this way for yrs. What he won't admit is that sometimes the right thing to do is to go outside your comfort zone.
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 2/12/2008 11:37:19 AM
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momof4
Posts: 178
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From: an urban paradise!
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Another thing: My son and I are both Christians, but diff denominations, but still both protestant Christians, and not "nominal" Christians. We're both committed Christians, active in our churches, I guess that's what I was trying to say. Anyway, that should make it easier, but somehow, it doesn't. If we were more diff in that area of our lives, I would be tempted to chalk up the difficulties to our differences in ideology, or spirituality, or something, you know? But no, in that area, we are strikingly similar. When I met his family, even his extended family, I was overwhelmed with how "at home" I felt. If I closed my eyes, I felt like I was at Thanksgiving dinner with my extended family. They way they talked, the things they discussed, etc, all felt like the same kinds of things my family would talk about when we all got together. So it's not like we are all from "different worlds" or anything. We are very similar, in how we were brought up, how we live our lives, what is important to us, etc. It's uncanny how similar those things are. So the problems we have have nothing to do with us being "different", it just has to be b/c of the emotional toll breaking the bond takes on a baby, just like Nancy Verrier and others have said.
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RE: My birth mother found me yesterday... Any thoughts? - 2/12/2008 5:55:36 PM
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momof4
Posts: 178
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From: an urban paradise!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 4IMPersuaded
I have observed while two friends have experienced this in my early adulthood. One was healthy and positive and one was a sad situation.
I just noticed this statement. Could you elaborate? What do you think made the one "positive" and the other "sad"? If you'd care to get into it, that is. Just curious about what this means. Does any of what I said in my last post make any sense, or does it sound like so much psycho-babble? Can't blame you for thinking the latter; it sounded strange to me when I first read it, but the more I read, and self-anylyze, the more sense it made.
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