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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/27/2008 12:53:27 PM
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Grace-N-Mercy
Posts: 6128
Joined: 5/2/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
Me too.
I have so many friends who aren't this way and I always said I was a bitter person because I've been burned soooo many times that trust just doesn't come easy for me.
Do you guys feel this is the reason, or you're just guarded by nature?
I've gone through a variety of emotions over the years, so I'm sure bitterness has come into the picture here or there. I think that for me right now, I've ended up hurting other people unintentionally, so I figure if I don't get close, I don't affect them. I now know that's faulty thinking because we affect people whether *we* get close or not.
Like Lisa, I can't fathom that they would have feelings for me, even though I have feelings for them. Again, faulty thinking. But then it's kinda embarassing when we approach someone who doesn't have the same level of feeling that we do, but I'm sure that goes for both guys & gals.
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/27/2008 2:46:29 PM
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rgod
Posts: 1555
Joined: 4/25/2005
Status: offline
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Thought I'd dash this off pretty quickly before I run to the library ...
You know ... reading these forums have helped me to think through so many things, particularly the topics that have been responded to in the singles folder. I appreciate all of you guys so much, even though I don't know you.
IRL, I'm not an open person. I'm surprised at how much I reveal here, actually. Maybe because in a sense it is still a bit anonymous. I must admit that I do worry about one day hearing on CNN:
"And now for shocking new news about the woman at the center of the controversy. She has been posting online under the screen name 'rgod.' Particularly disturbing are her responses to the threads on 'marrying a smiley' and the meaning of the derogatory term 'goober.' What gives? Lou Dobbs reports."
It is irrational, I know. Lou Dobbs never reports, he just makes editorial comments :)
Anyway. I open up to my family though - am pretty transparent with them and I can trust them. I have a few others that I'll be open with - but not too many people. Interestingly enough, people tend to be open with me. Although it doesn't happen every day, people do tell me things about themselves and about their lives that can be pretty private. I should probably be a counselor because people just tell me things (I don't know why). I grew up listening to people's problems - probably too much. So, I really don't want to make a living doing this for that reason. But I don't mind listening to people and asking questions that might help them to look at things a bit differently and feel that this is one of ways in which God uses me.
I'm not open because of hurts and also because of fear of rejection. While people generally tend to like me, I often run into the "hazing" period when I first meet them if I'm just myself with no walls up. I'm the type of person is happy if strangers succeed or that will try to help - even if I don't know you. I have a lot of faults to be sure, but I just feel like God has given me a lot of compassion - because I asked Him for it. Of course, to get compassion you have to have pain, and I've had that -- in abundance.
But, if I'm open and loving, the first reaction for many is to try to take advantage of me or to be snarky or mean. It is like people see it as being weak or they think that I'll put up with any kind of behavior (which is soooo not me). So, when I "flip the script" - which I can do quite suddenly after I've been pushed past a certain point - and become much more serious, cooler, distant, and assertive - I get lots respect (because they finally realize that I was being kind to them because I wanted to, not because I'm naive or had some ulterior motive), but by then I've walled them off completely. So, more often than not, to spare myself all of that agony, I tend to be closed from the start.
But, I don't think this is the way that God would have me to be - because a lot of it is rooted in prejudgement, unforgiveness, or is me trying to take care of me. I struggle because I know that there has got to be some way for me to be able to reconcile compassion and assertiveness - between being walled off and totally open. I guess a good metaphor would be the screen door - the door is closed, but you can still sort of see in. I'd like to learn how to be like that and then be able to let people into me, step by step. I do feel that as I learn that I'll be able to connect a lot more with people in general.
I also think too that I'm so different from a lot of people (or at least I perceive myself to be that way) that I'm afraid of being rejected. I've never fit into any sort of "box." I think we all feel that way at times. Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone who will accept me exactly the way that I am. I know intellectually that they will - but somewhere deep down I worry about that. I think it has prevented me from being open.
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/27/2008 3:04:43 PM
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rgod
Posts: 1555
Joined: 4/25/2005
Status: offline
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OK - I'm trying an experiment. Really long posts are often not read. But shorter ones are. I'm long winded so I'm continuing here with a caveat to my last post.
A couple of people mentioned some things about rejection and I thought I'd share some thoughts. I've read many books on rejection, and they always say the same thing - that once you are rooted in God's love and acceptance, you can overcome rejection. But I've never heard why this is - and if I don't know the "why" it is hard for me to apply it. So, I knew that God loved and accepted me, but didn't know how this was going to help me with overcoming the results of rejection.
Well, in our lives, we will be rejected, but when we are rooted in God's love and acceptance that we can overcome it for two reasons. First, people's opinions are often in flux. They love you one day, are angry with you the next, lukewarm on still another day. If your sense of love and of well-being comes from people, you will always be off-kilter. People are also often wrong about many things. Think of all of the people who loved Hitler (he was popular for a long time) or who followed Jim Jones. We are faulty beings and often make wrong judgements - often because we don't have all of the information. But, the only one who makes perfect judgements is God because he knows everything about us - our motives, our hurts. So really, his opinion of us is all that truly matters because it is the only one that is complete.
I heard a sermon on Sunday that gave me further insight and brings me to my second point. God has called us to love one another, but He has not guaranteed any outcome. So, we love people, but they can still reject us. If they reject us, it doesn't feel good (it never does), but that doesn't mean that we are wrong or have done something wrong. We just follow what God told us to do - commit our way unto the Lord - and let Him worry about the outcome. This was tremendously freeing to me as I've been praying a lot about love and about how to walk in love. I am closed often because I am afraid of the outcome. But if I give the outcome to God and if I run to him when I am hurt and let him heal me, I think it will free me up to help me better walk in love with openness. There is still the balancing act between being totally open and totally closed, but I think maybe this will help me to be more open and to weather hurts better.
I would love to hear other's thoughts on this.
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/27/2008 3:04:44 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5125
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline
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quote:
What I don't understand is how to change something that is so ingrained. Ask God to forgive you for believing the lie and then for him to speak His truth in place of the lie.
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/27/2008 3:05:54 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5125
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline
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quote:
Really long posts are often not read. But shorter ones are. So that is why few people read my post LOLOLOLOL
Good post rgod.....
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/27/2008 3:33:06 PM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 7770
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
Status: online
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I've probably told this story a hundred times, but it really fits here.
For a couple of years I went with no friends. Casual acquaintances, but no true friends. I was speaking to my mum about it and she saw what was going on and told me, 'to have friends you have to be a friend'. Well, hmph. I took that to mean I wasn't being nice, or courteous or whatnot. That wasn't the case. I wasn't allowing someone to care about me and kept myself from caring about other people.
So I made small changes. I picked (yes, you truly can pick you friends) certain people I would trust with things. I slowly started talking to them, opening up to them, seeking their advice. Lo and behold those people are my closest friends. I'm still that way. As much as I love just about everyone I come in contact with, there are only a few people I trust. *shrug*
I had to take the step...I had to go out there and put myself in harms way only to be proven right. It was worth it.
It's like everything else in this world; if we wait for something to drop in our lap then we'll be waiting forever. We have to make some effort and those worth the effort will meet us in the middle.
Robb...I have to say I'm a little disappointed in you. I consider you a friend and would hang out with you all the time if we lived closer to each other. Because I was able to see something worthwhile in you does that make me wrong?
I don't agree that if you don't love yourself that others can't love you as well. I have HORRIBLE self esteem and I have GREAT friends who love me.
Let me say it again: I have HORRIBLE self esteem and I have GREAT friends who love me.
_____________________________
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/27/2008 3:40:31 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5125
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline
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My pastor once said the hardest thing for Christians to do is receive..........I think he is right.
I agree with Tink......being a friend is not as much about who you are to them as who you allow them to be to you.........
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/27/2008 3:41:01 PM
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rgod
Posts: 1555
Joined: 4/25/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
So that is why few people read my post LOLOLOLOL
Noo ... :) Actually, I love reading your posts!!!
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/27/2008 3:55:13 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8004
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
(yes, you truly can pick you friends)
And you can pick your nose. Just don't try to pick your friend's nose 
(Great post Tink)
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/27/2008 4:17:47 PM
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rgod
Posts: 1555
Joined: 4/25/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
(Great post Tink)
I agree!!!!
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/27/2008 5:58:30 PM
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LabGuy
Posts: 3288
Joined: 9/22/2007
From: NW Pennsylvania
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
Robb...I have to say I'm a little disappointed in you. I consider you a friend and would hang out with you all the time if we lived closer to each other. Because I was able to see something worthwhile in you does that make me wrong?
Thanks Tink. No, it doesn't make you wrong. I know I'm the one whose wrong because of my inability to see what's worthwhile about me.
As for the rest of your (really good) post, that's pretty much what I started to do about four years ago. I really reached out to some of my better acquaintances, even made a couple new ones. Connected. And it helped tremendously. But one by one they all moved away, and now the last and best of those friends is gone, so I'm back where I started. (Almost - this place is still a bright spot.)
-Robb
P.S. Hey mods - how about stars for Tink's post?
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/27/2008 6:36:13 PM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 7770
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LabGuy
quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
Robb...I have to say I'm a little disappointed in you. I consider you a friend and would hang out with you all the time if we lived closer to each other. Because I was able to see something worthwhile in you does that make me wrong?
Thanks Tink. No, it doesn't make you wrong. I know I'm the one whose wrong because of my inability to see what's worthwhile about me.
As for the rest of your (really good) post, that's pretty much what I started to do about four years ago. I really reached out to some of my better acquaintances, even made a couple new ones. Connected. And it helped tremendously. But one by one they all moved away, and now the last and best of those friends is gone, so I'm back where I started. (Almost - this place is still a bright spot.)
-Robb
P.S. Hey mods - how about stars for Tink's post?
Awww...thanks Robb!!!
You know, referring to the bolded statement, you don't HAVE to see what's good about you, you know. That's what your friends are for. How many times do you tell me that I am a nice person, or I don't need to sweat turning 30 because I don't look 30? *sweating*
But the fact that you TRUST me with what you've shared with me says more to me than how you feel about yourself...you know? *huggles*
_____________________________
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/27/2008 7:52:05 PM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 12571
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rgod
OK - I'm trying an experiment. Really long posts are often not read. But shorter ones are. I'm long winded so I'm continuing here with a caveat to my last post.
A couple of people mentioned some things about rejection and I thought I'd share some thoughts. I've read many books on rejection, and they always say the same thing - that once you are rooted in God's love and acceptance, you can overcome rejection. But I've never heard why this is - and if I don't know the "why" it is hard for me to apply it. So, I knew that God loved and accepted me, but didn't know how this was going to help me with overcoming the results of rejection.
Well, in our lives, we will be rejected, but when we are rooted in God's love and acceptance that we can overcome it for two reasons. First, people's opinions are often in flux. They love you one day, are angry with you the next, lukewarm on still another day. If your sense of love and of well-being comes from people, you will always be off-kilter. People are also often wrong about many things. Think of all of the people who loved Hitler (he was popular for a long time) or who followed Jim Jones. We are faulty beings and often make wrong judgements - often because we don't have all of the information. But, the only one who makes perfect judgements is God because he knows everything about us - our motives, our hurts. So really, his opinion of us is all that truly matters because it is the only one that is complete.
I heard a sermon on Sunday that gave me further insight and brings me to my second point. God has called us to love one another, but He has not guaranteed any outcome. So, we love people, but they can still reject us. If they reject us, it doesn't feel good (it never does), but that doesn't mean that we are wrong or have done something wrong. We just follow what God told us to do - commit our way unto the Lord - and let Him worry about the outcome. This was tremendously freeing to me as I've been praying a lot about love and about how to walk in love. I am closed often because I am afraid of the outcome. But if I give the outcome to God and if I run to him when I am hurt and let him heal me, I think it will free me up to help me better walk in love with openness. There is still the balancing act between being totally open and totally closed, but I think maybe this will help me to be more open and to weather hurts better.
I would love to hear other's thoughts on this.
Very wise words spoken here, my friend. 
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/27/2008 8:49:11 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2629
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: The little house in the prairie
Status: offline
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Lately, I'm re-reading the books, Safe People and Hiding from Love from the authors of the Boundaries series, Townsend and Cloud. Very good books for someone who's dealing with trust and other relational issues. There's a part there that I just read last night which really spoke to me. It's about helpful and harmful hiding pattern. They noted that not all types of hiding is harmful. There are clearly some people that we need to hide from; people who, even if we tried to love, we just can't and don't have to be around them. Because being open to them would harm us more, and when there's no balance of love and justice in our relationships, it's not healthy.
Very good book in determining how open and trusting we should be.
_____________________________
The Lord is near to those who have a brokern heart.
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.........Psalm 34:18
<<<a change, finally!
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/27/2008 9:42:51 PM
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Grace-N-Mercy
Posts: 6128
Joined: 5/2/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
Lately, I'm re-reading the books, Safe People and Hiding from Love from the authors of the Boundaries series, Townsend and Cloud. Very good books for someone who's dealing with trust and other relational issues. There's a part there that I just read last night which really spoke to me. It's about helpful and harmful hiding pattern. They noted that not all types of hiding is harmful. There are clearly some people that we need to hide from; people who, even if we tried to love, we just can't and don't have to be around them. Because being open to them would harm us more, and when there's no balance of love and justice in our relationships, it's not healthy.
Very good book in determining how open and trusting we should be.
Hmph! I'm mad... I just pulled those two books off my shelf to make that recommendation... and you beat me to it.  Ok, just kidding... I'm not mad! Another good book by Henry Cloud is How People Change. I haven't read that one fully, but Robb, your post made me think about that one. Maybe I need to pick it up because I'm going to work on this issue.
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/28/2008 12:25:57 AM
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rgod
Posts: 1555
Joined: 4/25/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
Lately, I'm re-reading the books, Safe People and Hiding from Love from the authors of the Boundaries series, Townsend and Cloud.
I was just reading Hiding from Love the other day - Jenny and Officer Josef!!! It is a classic. I'll check out Safe People and also How People Change (mentioned by Grace and Mercy). Great recommendatoins.
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/28/2008 7:15:07 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8004
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Grace-N-Mercy
Another good book by Henry Cloud is How People Change.
I normally change from the top down and from left to right. That is the shirt comes off left arm first and then right arm and goes back on left arm then right arm. Left leg leads for trousers also.
Why did you want to know how people change again?
As to the OP. This is still an area I have trouble with. I'm great at revealing myself (has nothing to do with changing as above) but knowing when people are interested to see who I am is the question.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/28/2008 9:03:03 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2629
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: The little house in the prairie
Status: offline
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quote:
This is still an area I have trouble with. I'm great at revealing myself (has nothing to do with changing as above) but knowing when people are interested to see who I am is the question.
I'm different in a way that I'm good at asking people questions about themselves and trying to get to know them, and I find that hardly anyone asks questions in return. Maybe I show my interests to people who are so caught up in themselves, that they never see the courtesy of asking how I am, or anything about me. During my last trip, the person I went with talked on an on about her life, and I can't remember a question she asked me about my life or my daughter. I did get a bit hurt by that. Sometimes, I think it's me. I appear so independent and capable, no one in my circle of friends and family ever thinks that i might be needing something too.
However, most guys that I've been with, whether hiking, or working on a project, commented that i have great conversational style. So, that's one reason I seem to hit it off with male friends better than female friends.
_____________________________
The Lord is near to those who have a brokern heart.
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.........Psalm 34:18
<<<a change, finally!
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/28/2008 9:14:37 AM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 12571
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
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quote:
I appear so independent and capable, no one in my circle of friends and family ever thinks that i might be needing something too.
My problem too! I'm not allowed to have feelings or needs or wants - at least that's the impression I get from people. And when I do - it means there are real problems around me that need fixed.
Go figure.......
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/28/2008 10:00:12 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2629
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: The little house in the prairie
Status: offline
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quote:
My problem too! I'm not allowed to have feelings or needs or wants - at least that's the impression I get from people. And when I do - it means there are real problems around me that need fixed.
Go figure.......
Lise, if you check out my thread in the men's section about being a tomboy and being called a man, this is exactly what the impression I get. Maybe you and I have internalized the thought of not finding anyone and being single for life that this is how we orient our lives on a relational level. I know I find it very difficult to ask for help and I'd rather pay someone than have someone do it for me for free. Things like this really build a wall between people and I'm slowly realizing that I have a wall that automatically goes up when it come sto being close to anyone.
_____________________________
The Lord is near to those who have a brokern heart.
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.........Psalm 34:18
<<<a change, finally!
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/28/2008 10:21:49 PM
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rgod
Posts: 1555
Joined: 4/25/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
Very wise words spoken here, my friend.
Thanks Lisa!!!
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RE: Singles, do you make yourself known? - 8/28/2008 10:23:43 PM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 12571
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
quote:
My problem too! I'm not allowed to have feelings or needs or wants - at least that's the impression I get from people. And when I do - it means there are real problems around me that need fixed.
Go figure.......
Lise, if you check out my thread in the men's section about being a tomboy and being called a man, this is exactly what the impression I get. Maybe you and I have internalized the thought of not finding anyone and being single for life that this is how we orient our lives on a relational level. I know I find it very difficult to ask for help and I'd rather pay someone than have someone do it for me for free. Things like this really build a wall between people and I'm slowly realizing that I have a wall that automatically goes up when it come sto being close to anyone.
I read it - sounds exactly like me! Thanks for pointing me to it....I don't normally go in there.
Once I'm finished with this project, then I'll focus on how I need to change in this area. I do have someone who will tell me like it is - and I'm going to let him do it.....so.....we'll see what happens.
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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